EqD, y u no like my story?
I already asked /fic/ for some help, but could you guys give some suggestions too?
I need to:
1) Fix the transitions at the opening of the story so they aren’t so jarring. I want the opening to still be mysterious, but it probably does need some definition.
2) Not start so many paragraphs with ‘Pinkie.’ Would I just use she? I don’t want to develop Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
I really want to get this on EqD, but I don’t want the opening to lose the mystery I think it has. Do you think that it is hard to follow?
Here’s the review:
Good afternoon! I’m Pre-reader 23-ish, and will be going over your story today. I don’t seem to have access to the comments that were made by the last reviewer, so I’ll have to start from scratch.
Let’s dig in, shall we?
Grammatically, things seem pretty solid. I’m not seeing any gross misspellings or other major issues of a typographical nature.
However, I did see some issues I will bring to your attention below.
[List of Issues]
1) Your transitions are extremely jarring. While you’re using line breaks to denote when a change is about to occur, there’s nothing to provide context TO the change. One minute we’re with filly Pinkie who got sick.. the next, we’re somewhere else. The problem there is that it takes several sentences of dialogue for us to establish what time-frame we’re actually in. While we’re trying to figure that out, we’re losing our grip on the story. You really need to smooth that out. Because of the rough transitions, it’s Clyde and the others that are coming across as bi-polar and utterly crazy. That’s jarring in and of itself, honestly.
2) Word repetition. You’re starting way too many paragraphs off with ‘Pinkie’, and many of them are in a row.
Take a look at your transitions. Try to feather them into each other; start an event in one and finish it in the other, perhaps?
Also, go back and take a look at the first section; try to find different ways to start your paragraphs.
(OMG the HTML worked!!!)
I’m trying really hard not to be an author who thinks that their work is just so genius that people who understand just aren’t right. If they don’t get it it’s likely that others won’t get it.
Buck writers block.