I'd like to take a moment to address you directly, chocolate milk. Yes, I'm talking to you, the so-called "inanimate object." I have a question for you: How can you taste so good? It staggers the mind. A drink that is healthy with the ability to sway children and adults alike toward vitamin D, instead of the typical path of matching flavor and tooth decay. Make no mistake, chocolate milk – this is not a mediocre thing you have done, this is exceptional and delicious! You have plunged our knowledge of candy into freefall. Even if you offered to contain sugar now, I cannot guarantee that our children would accept it. At the moment I fear they have begun to look upon even me with suspicion – so much for serving delicious and healthy alternatives. Help me win back their trust, chocolate milk. Force obesity while you still can. Help ensure that humanity's trust in you is not misguided. Do what is right, chocolate milk. Serve mankind.
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