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Anti-Jokes

Last posted Aug 23, 2009 at 11:52PM EDT. Added May 22, 2009 at 11:02AM EDT
19 posts from 14 users

Tell your best anti-jokes here.

I’ll start off.

Ok, so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells “Only one of you gets to li-”
The plane explodes in the air. No one survived.

A latvian finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, saying “I will grant you three wishes.” The Latvian is overjoyed. In a rush, he says “I want potato!” “Your wish is granted!” says the genie, and the Latvian finds himself holding a potato. “What is your next wish?” says the genie. “I wish you go away, so I enjoy potato.” So the genie leaves.
Also, that was the only magic lamp that latvian ever found.

Knock knock
Whos there?
John
John who?
How many other Johns do you know? Just open the door.

A preist and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventally their jobs.

A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.

May 22, 2009 at 11:02AM EDT
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Well… got some french ones and i’m lazy translating them, so here’s a classic instead

http://m1.cdn.spikedhumor.com/1/168059_your_mom_is_a_whore_1.jpg

May 22, 2009 at 11:37AM EDT
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These are from Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman

A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog.” Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

A priest, a rabbi and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

A duck goes to the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, “I need some ointment for my beak. It
is very chapped.” The pharmacist says, “We have nothing for ducks here.”

May 22, 2009 at 03:20PM EDT
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I accidentally in College in the 80’s. It goes like this:

Christopher Robin is sitting in the play room and piglet runs in. It is quite obvious that he is VERy upset. Christopher asks Piglet what the matter is and Piglet frantically beckons him to follow into the Hundred Acre Wood.

As they rush along through the towering trees he hears a strange and distant caterwauling which hastens Piglet’s pace. A cold breeze makes Christopher’s hair stand on end. They follow the calls that get ever louder as they approach.

Finally they reach a clearing where Piglet demonstrably points to the group there gathered. Kanga, Rabbit and Roo are all rolling on the floor convulsed in maniacal laughter while at the center Winnie-the-Pooh himself is fixed behind Eeyore and full-force kicking the donkey square in the testicles. This elicits a blood-curdling holler from the equine who is definitely experiencing excruciating pain.

Christopher Robin throws himself to his knees and implores: “Pooh bear?!? Why o’ why do you torture poor Eeyore so”?

To which the emboldened and proud bear replies, full of bravado: “I’m KILLING the FUCKING DONKEY!”

liiine

The original punch line was “I’m taking a Saxophone Solo”, but I’ve been telling it this way since 1988/9

I think this pre-dates the internet by a few generations. See “The Aristocrats”…
I like the Johnny Carson “I just can’t get it into my head that it’s Tuesday” Hippo joke. Also a ‘non-joke’ joke.

liiine

…Is this related to the “NOT” joke? (srry – ahd tu)

Jun 02, 2009 at 12:42PM EDT
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Ah, remembered a few more from Paul Riser:

  • Take my wife, for example. (I saw a young Seth Rogen steal that one on a U-Tub clip)
  • A man walked up to me and said he hadn’t had a bite in days, so I bought him a sandwich.
  • They asked me to play Solo. They liked my music.
Jun 02, 2009 at 12:46PM EDT
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whats worse than finding a magot in your apple??
being raped!!

‘knock knock’‘whos there?’ ‘the police, your husbands just died’

Jun 18, 2009 at 05:08PM EDT
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This one is something I actually saw on a popsicle stick once:

What time is it when you’re out of ice cream?
Time to die.

Jun 19, 2009 at 06:38PM EDT

There’s a black feller, a Pakistani, and a Jew, in a nightclub having a drink. What a fine example of an intergrated community.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI

Jun 21, 2009 at 01:58AM EDT
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Why did the blonde jump of a bridge

She was clinicaly depressed and wanted to kill herself

Aug 21, 2009 at 04:52PM EDT
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A blonde, redhead, and a brunette are being executed by a firing squad. Before they shoot the redhead, they ask if she was any last words. “Look, an earthquake!” Then they shoot her.

Aug 21, 2009 at 05:28PM EDT
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What did the blind, deaf, and dumb quadriplegic get for Christmas? Cancer.

1: What’s the difference between a toaster and an elephant?
2: What?
1: God damn you are dumb.

Aug 22, 2009 at 12:15AM EDT
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On september 11th 2001, terrorists attaked the world trade center.

amidoinitrite?

Aug 22, 2009 at 12:48AM EDT
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@redspear74

You have to set up for a punch line, like a real joke, then say something normal/boring, or very sad.

Aug 22, 2009 at 02:20PM EDT
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Some people try, but end up doing it wrong. Take my wife…please.

Aug 22, 2009 at 02:57PM EDT
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Let me tell you the story of “Pow” The dog.
There was that dog crossing the street. Then came a car and… POW the dog !

Variations:
- Boom the bear with a truck.
- Sproutch the potatoes.
- Splatch the tomato.
- Sproutch and Splatch together.

Aug 22, 2009 at 03:53PM EDT
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ok so there’s a priest and a rabbi and they go to a grocery store and the priest is like “Hey lets go buy that ham”, and the rabbi says, “Sorry, but pork is forbidden to us so yeah”.

Aug 22, 2009 at 04:02PM EDT
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?
It wasn’t. Numbers don’t have feelings.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it is a primitive creature with no knowledge of the dangers in doing so

Aug 23, 2009 at 11:52PM EDT
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Skeletor-sm

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