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Anti-Jokes

Last posted Aug 23, 2009 at 11:52PM EDT. Added May 22, 2009 at 11:02AM EDT
19 posts from 14 users

Tell your best anti-jokes here.

I’ll start off.

Ok, so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells “Only one of you gets to li-”
The plane explodes in the air. No one survived.

A latvian finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, saying “I will grant you three wishes.” The Latvian is overjoyed. In a rush, he says “I want potato!” “Your wish is granted!” says the genie, and the Latvian finds himself holding a potato. “What is your next wish?” says the genie. “I wish you go away, so I enjoy potato.” So the genie leaves.
Also, that was the only magic lamp that latvian ever found.

Knock knock
Whos there?
John
John who?
How many other Johns do you know? Just open the door.

A preist and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventally their jobs.

A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.

These are from Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman

A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog.” Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

A priest, a rabbi and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

A duck goes to the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, “I need some ointment for my beak. It
is very chapped.” The pharmacist says, “We have nothing for ducks here.”

I accidentally in College in the 80’s. It goes like this:

Christopher Robin is sitting in the play room and piglet runs in. It is quite obvious that he is VERy upset. Christopher asks Piglet what the matter is and Piglet frantically beckons him to follow into the Hundred Acre Wood.

As they rush along through the towering trees he hears a strange and distant caterwauling which hastens Piglet’s pace. A cold breeze makes Christopher’s hair stand on end. They follow the calls that get ever louder as they approach.

Finally they reach a clearing where Piglet demonstrably points to the group there gathered. Kanga, Rabbit and Roo are all rolling on the floor convulsed in maniacal laughter while at the center Winnie-the-Pooh himself is fixed behind Eeyore and full-force kicking the donkey square in the testicles. This elicits a blood-curdling holler from the equine who is definitely experiencing excruciating pain.

Christopher Robin throws himself to his knees and implores: “Pooh bear?!? Why o’ why do you torture poor Eeyore so”?

To which the emboldened and proud bear replies, full of bravado: “I’m KILLING the FUCKING DONKEY!”

liiine

The original punch line was “I’m taking a Saxophone Solo”, but I’ve been telling it this way since 1988/9

I think this pre-dates the internet by a few generations. See “The Aristocrats”…
I like the Johnny Carson “I just can’t get it into my head that it’s Tuesday” Hippo joke. Also a ‘non-joke’ joke.

liiine

…Is this related to the “NOT” joke? (srry – ahd tu)

What did the blind, deaf, and dumb quadriplegic get for Christmas? Cancer.

1: What’s the difference between a toaster and an elephant?
2: What?
1: God damn you are dumb.

Let me tell you the story of “Pow” The dog.
There was that dog crossing the street. Then came a car and… POW the dog !

Variations:
- Boom the bear with a truck.
- Sproutch the potatoes.
- Splatch the tomato.
- Sproutch and Splatch together.

Skeletor-sm

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