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A young Space Cadet stands in his quarters. It just so happens that this is the young Cadet's first time in space. Never before has he had the opportunity to fly among the stars in the titanium shell of a star-cruiser, to explore new and unfamiliar lands, chart the uncharted, meet new cultures, expand the knowledge of the Universe for all Squares, and get a cool title like Cadet.

What shall he do on this day of excitement?

>Blow up THE EARTH!

Explain, in extreme detail, to the reader how the star-cruiser's propulsion system operates.

go to the armory and mess with space lasers until he shoots his eye out

>step on the circle

Travel to another dimension!

You step on the Circle. +3 EXP

You now recall that you are the ship's SOPHMORE CADET; REGISTERED EMPLOYEE WORKER (on) ENGINEERING DECK.

Or SCREWED.

Suffice to say it is your duty to ensure that everything is running at a sufficient level of sufficiency.

>Get to the engine room

Go to Engine Room.

This. He should know, since he's an engineer.

You approach the 64-HYDROGEN ATOMIC COMPUTER and the tank of BLUE MATTER that fuels the ship entirely. This is the extent of the Engine that you can normally access.

This is because you are not an Engineer, per-say. You are not an Engineer because you are SCREWED. Your job consists entirely of watching the computer and tank and hoping nothing goes beep, boop, bop, zippity-zow, poppy-pippy-sizzle-sazzle-frazzle, cracks, or anything-

This is everything you haven't been trained for.

Kick the computer until it does something.

Wonder why there is apparently no management structure implemented.

After that, press buttons at random.

Examine the blue plant growing next to the blue matter, and figure out why there is a caution notice about it.

use duct tape to cover the crack

>nervous breakdown

You don't know jack-shit about the stuff, but you do know that it's volatile and creates shit-tons of energy. Some nerds call it liquid time?

But enough about that, you have to

Kick the computer until it does something.

Wonder why there is apparently no management structure implemented.

After that, press buttons at random.

>nervous breakdown

A RESOUNDING SUCCESS AS YOU FLIP YOUR SHIT ON THE KEYBOARD AND KICK EVERY KEY AND THE SCREEN IN AN ATTEMPT TO CHANGE YOUR DOOMED COURSE ALL THE WHILE WONDERING WHO DESIGNED THIS VOID-BORNE DEATH-TRAP OH HOLY SHIT IT'S LEAKING OUT OF THE TANK YOU ARE GOING TO DIE SHIT FUCK HELL.

>Let the night guy handle it. Except it's space, so…

> embrace you mortality and achieve inner peace

> suddenly unlock your hidden power, which conveniently applies to the current situation

>Break the glass,letting the liquid time flow over you, melding with your very being and allowing you to exist on a plane separate from the realm of square comprehension! And turning you blue.

You’re right.

There is nothing to be gained by living out the last minutes of your life in fear. You calm down, take a death breath, and return to your quarters.

Perhaps nothing will happen. Maybe some real Engineer will stumble across it and repair it before anything happens. Either way, you meditate on your potential death, and come to grips with fate. You sit content with the idea that, even if you are doomed, you have come to accept it on a level few others can say they have achieved.

The vicious nature of this shaking is changing your mind however.

>look out the window

>grab the pumpkin and get thee to an escape pod

You have no window. Only a shitty painting of a window of Earth.

Another member of the Crew arrives at your door. He informs you that all escape pods have been launched, and nearly half the crew still remains.

It's good that we already covered the death breath thing.

Jump out the shitty painting

LIKE A BOSS!

Hit something with a wrench. You are an engineer.

Ride him down to the planet nearby and use him as a heat shield and cushion.

You tell this loser smell ya later as you crouch down for your lethal escape pounce.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAA-

What possessed you to do this.

>Wear painting as a hat, follow the other crew member

"What possessed you to do this."
Super Mario 64

Brilliant!

This HELM OF SPACIAL ART provides +6 to your Total Armor Class. You tell your fellow Crew Member to lead on as you take in the confidence this helm affords you. However, he admits to having come to you for a leader, as he is a TWAT.

(Trained Water Annalist [and] Tester)

>Tell him to get a painting helmet immediately

>Tell TWAT that there's no time to explain, but he must get into the nearest airlock
>Open airlock

>tell him that he is the leader

You are in possession of the only Painting Helm in existence.

It is your special gear.

tell him that he is the leader

The TWAT humbly suggests reaching the Control Deck, in hopes of regaining control of this out-of-wack motherfucker that you call a Star-Ship.

>look at map of starship (cmon, if he doesn't have like a futuristic projection map or something that's silly)
>locate Control Deck

Judging from your Inventory, it seems you don't have a map at all.

Only a WRENCH and a PACKET OF FREEZE-DRIED CHILI RATIONS.
Looks like you will have to either ADVENTURE to the Control Deck, or follow the TWAT who has been there before.

>Order TWAT to lead you to Control Deck

Very well. We have no time for petty adventures. You tell the TWAT to lead onwards:

Nothing like an elevator ride to sooth a soul who is likely plummeting towards some barren, hostile world.

After a short and uneventful ride, you reach the Control Deck. The TWAT cedes command back to you. Lead on Sir.

Find the Controls and land perform a horrific, Hindenburg-like crash onto the nearby planet.

Check if they're actual windows; if not, acquire new hat, if yes, bail.

>Reequip hat
>Do quantum's suggestion
>If paintings, give to TWAT
>Go to engineering station
>Inspect readouts

>Obtain level 2 suit from shop
>Buy power nodes
>Upgrade RIG at workbench

>head for the escape pods

You cannot perform the landing, as the Ship's Primary Controls are currently occupied by the Helmsman.

>Put on your goddamn hat
>Pretend hat is insigna of higher rank than helmsman
>assume command

>knock helmsman out with wrench

Then who'll pilot the ship? I say take command through subterfuge.

>Put on your goddamn hat
>Pretend hat is insigna of higher rank than helmsman
>assume command

You equip your Combat Gear, but the Helmsman sees right through your charade, as that isn't even ceremonial attire, much less the gear of SCREWED.

>knock helmsman out with wrench

The Helmsman detects your hostile intent with a well-trained eye. Do you wish to engage him, or withdraw yourself?