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In this thread you must post a picture of an item IRL and give them a magical name and stats.

I'll lead by example:

Magical Enhance Adult Potion
+100% Hyperactiveness
-50% Somnolence.
+50% Reaction time
Passive: Each time you drink this potion it increases the need to go to the bathroom, this stacks infinitely (unless you die).

Cartridge of Playing Roles
-Requires Device of Playing Cartridges to use
+25 Creativity
+5 Dexterity
+20 Technological Skill
-20 Magic
-50% Productivity with non Technical items

The Back Scratcher
+25 damage bonus
+50% health from packs on wearer
-75% from healers on wearer

Snickers Bar
+1,000,000% Satisfaction

Acer Laptop

+100 Creativity

+1 internet

+88 Anonymity

+69 Trolling capabilities

-10 fitness

Dial-up Faxmodem

+1 Internet

+50 retro points

-73 speed

-100 time

-63 capacity

AP US History Textbook

+ 200 History
+ 5 pounds
- 10 free time
- $89 dollars

Water Bottle

250% greater chance of being selected in object-to-your-left games
+2 Hydration
+1 Concentration
Reduces effect time of debilitating enemy spells (eg: hangover) by 50%
10% increased computer sitting endurance
0% more nutritional value compared to normal tap water
10% risk of destroying keyboard

Metallica CD

+25 Metal
+5 air guitar
+5 headbanging
+1 badassery
50% resistance to annoying pop songs
10% chance of whiplash
20% chance of annoying neighbors

justin bibier
+infinty annoyance
+5 imaging an knife thru ear
+5 concision
-10000000 awesomeness
50% evil
10% chance of vomiting
20% that bibier girls are gonna to held an consert

The grammar, it burns.

Seaweed:

50% Sea
50% Weed

Plankton

1% Evil
99% Hot Gas

Wooden Graphite-Forged Scholar's Quill of Ticonderoga (+1)

Single-handed weapon
+1 Piercing Damage
+20% critical hit

+0 Literacy
+1 to looking literate for appearance's sake

0.01 lb. Weight

May be destroyed by fire.

Pique Charges – 3 charges (2 remaining).

Enchant Scroll – 60 charges (47 remaining) – Transform a blank papyrus into a scroll of any spell that the user desires. Activation also requires and spends one Pique Charge. Time spent is (spell level) * hours. The enchantment is successful if the player rolls a d20 above 40 + spell level – (Wisdom + intelligence).

Restore Pique – Restore (1d4-1) Pique Charges. This also spends (1d4-1) enchantment charges, or (1d4+1) if the player fails a Wisdom roll. The caster must have a small dagger equipped in his weapon hand and the Quill equipped in his free hand. This requires one quarter hour.

Disenchant Scroll – 20 charges (7 remaining) – Remove the enchantment on any scroll. Roll a d20 when activated; the scroll becomes a blank scroll on a roll of 18 or above, otherwise the scroll is ruined. This is an instant.

Elusiveness – Roll a d20 whenever the player attempts to retrieve the Quill from his inventory. When the result is 1, the quill cannot be found for the rest of the day.

Energy Drink
Doubles speed
+5 Agility
+3 Intelligence
+2 Wings

On kill: A small health pack is dropped
25% explosive damage vulnerability on wearer

Videogames
Key item: Escape reality world and go to a fantasy plane of your own choosing for a limited time.

The Ink Master of McGraw-Hill

Item Description:
A quill used by the famous Scribes, McGraw and Hill. The quill will grant you the ability to create magical scrolls and write important information onto any of your spare paper. The downside is that, if you make a mistake, it can NOT be erased.

Item Stats:
+1 Writing Ability
+2 Grammar
+2 Handwriting
60% Resistance to Fire
40% Resistance to Frost
20% Weakness to Lightning

Item Perks:
Whoever equips this item will immediately promote to Historian Class if player is higher than level 15.

Rickroll

50% Troll
50% Innovation

Item Perks:
Added Class: Troll