I just thought I’d share a somewhat lengthy story with you, KYM.
When I was a kid, I wanted to join the military more than anything. I was almost positive that there wasn’t anything else I wanted to do with my life for years and I certainly never thought my family would need me around to keep even the most basic things in order – but unfortunately that is the case. My mom has all kinds of medical problems and needs a lot of help with things and my dad is getting old. Having to take care of my grandma and my older brother who refuses to do anything helpful for anyone and spends most of his time angrily playing Mass Effect 3 online doesn’t make things any easier. By the time things changed I thought I’d most likely be too old to enlist or too deeply engrossed in another occupation (if not both).
Somehow though, I had been able to put the idea of enlisting out of my mind and I’ve been really proud that I made the decision to help my family instead. but you can’t exactly go a few seconds without being reminded of the military in America and it’s a real nad smasher wanting to get in on that shit when you can’t.
So I decided to talk things over with my family, and thankfully my brother decided he was sick of Bioware nerfing every cool new thing he got every week, wiped the Oreo crumbs from his shirt and said he’d pick up the slack for me while I was gone but that I should be “careful!” In the voice of the playable Turian characters.
So I went to the recruiter’s office. When I got there, the recruiter – a stern, Asian fellow with an eye patch looked at me like he thought any toddler would last longer in battle as I sat down and introduced myself. He took a long drag on his big ass cigar and asked me why I thought I belonged in the military – which as you know is because I doesn’t afraid of anything.
He looked at me and said “A little welp like you must be afraid of something” in perfect english.
“Actually, yeah, there’s one thing.” I said, as I choked back a lump in my throat the size of Mitt Romney’s ego.
“The only thing I fear…is that I won’t be good enough for my country”.
He got up and walked over to the window – looking all deep in thought like he was the goddamn batman or something.
“dammit to balls I’m not about to sit here and wait for this guy to search all of his Vietnam flashbacks for something relevant to what I just said” I thought as I looked for a nameplate or something on his desk because the man never told me what he goes by. Most likely It was something awesome. Something that dropped loads in the pants of gods upon utterance. Eventually I found what I was looking for on a plaque next to a medal of his that he probably earned for making a whole enemy armored division his bitch or something.
So I got up, walked over to him and said “uh… sargent… Yoo Suk Dong?”
And he said "What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo".