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A Space Adventure of Low Quality

Last posted Dec 24, 2012 at 07:37PM EST. Added Dec 21, 2012 at 09:31PM EST
85 posts from 26 users



A lone Battleship of the United Nations Space Association has entered the Ulysses System. It just so happens that today, the 5th of November (Galactic Standard Earth Time), is this virgin vessel’s first mission. Though it was three months and six days ago that this ship left the yard, only today shall it be christened.

What will the name of this young warship be?

What will the name of this young man be?

Dec 21, 2012 at 09:31PM EST
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Ain’t no intergalactic United Nations gonna tell the intergalactic United States what to do!
>Make new ship with blackjack and hookers, call it the Freedom.
>Name self George Washington VII

Dec 21, 2012 at 09:35PM EST
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Starship: Normandy SR-3

Captain: John Shepard

EDIT: Note that I would have said “Captain: Jen Shepard” because I do prefer FemShep, but OP specifically stated “young man”, not “young captain”.

You misogynist. /sarcasm

Last edited Dec 21, 2012 at 10:24PM EST
Dec 21, 2012 at 10:04PM EST

(( A guide to the display for your convenience ))

Ah, of course!

The UNSA Enterprise, lead by Captain Calvin Adams, a most successful graduate of New Westpoint Aerospace Academy. Look at this marvelous feat of engineering. If the Loadout and Sit-Rep menus were open, there would be space boners everywhere.

However, first things first:

The Enterprise is currently en route to rendezvous with three other Battleships of similar class. A small detachment of a notorious pirate fleet has seized Titania, the first planet in the Ulysses System, a large barren world that exports many millions of tons of tungsten, uranium, and many other heavy elements. Such a planet is almost worth its weight in gold, and its loss will not go unchallenged.

Last edited Dec 21, 2012 at 10:38PM EST
Dec 21, 2012 at 10:34PM EST
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> Move to assist friendly fleet.

Dec 21, 2012 at 10:47PM EST

“>Seek stupid life forms to conquer and slave…”

Unlikely. The Galaxy is devoid of alien life, as far as anyone can tell. Besides:

This particular system is under an iron fist of law. Er, piracy not withstanding.

“> Move to assist friendly fleet.”

Righto.

The Flotilla is now in place. Time to form a line and and gather our wits, form our stratagem, and move out against our-

“>Press random buttons.”

HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE
Dec 21, 2012 at 11:23PM EST
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> be mesmerised by the blinkenlights in the star system map

> notice the blue asterisk near the friendly fleet and the brown asterisk at the outermost planet

> ask the science officer what the hell does the asterisk mean, “this planet not valid in certain star systems / some restrictions may apply”?

> ask if we can blow it up

Dec 21, 2012 at 11:52PM EST
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> Await further orders.

Dec 21, 2012 at 11:54PM EST

Use the explosive lasers.

Dec 22, 2012 at 01:20AM EST

>go towards those red x’s
>ludicrous speed GO!

Dec 22, 2012 at 03:49AM EST

>Wonder why theirs is bigger than yours.

>Press random buttons on the ‘assault’ panel. and aim whatever it is at their bigger planet

Dec 22, 2012 at 06:13AM EST
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“>Fire the quad laser”
“Use the explosive lasers.”
“>Press random buttons on the ‘assault’ panel.”

OH SHIT.

“>go towards those red x’s”
“>ludicrous speed GO!”

Yeah that.
That wasn’t you. You didn’t see anything or… anything.


“>Question the presence of a neutral ship”
A station. Not like the system is empty save you and them.

“> notice the blue asterisk near the friendly fleet and the brown asterisk at the outermost planet”
“> ask the science officer what the hell does the asterisk mean, “this planet not valid in certain star systems / some restrictions may apply”?”

Dec 22, 2012 at 01:02PM EST
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>what did that fourth laser blast hit? a cloaked ship?
>hail the red ships, claim to be a mole and offer evidence that you took out the blue fleet.
>when they trust you and have their defenses lowered, spin around like an idiot and open fire

Dec 22, 2012 at 01:59PM EST

“>hail the red ships, claim to be a mole and offer evidence that you took out the blue fleet.”
“>when they trust you and have their defenses lowered, spin around like an idiot and open fire”

“Greetings fellow space go-ers!”

“It may interest you to know that I was never a good guy! You see the way I blew them fools up, and I got me some classified-”

Fuck.

Dec 22, 2012 at 04:08PM EST
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> Retreat!

Dec 22, 2012 at 04:19PM EST

>FIRE ZE MISSILES

Dec 22, 2012 at 04:35PM EST

Activate the mirrors!

Dec 22, 2012 at 04:51PM EST

>THAT BLUE SHIP WAS CLOAKED
>CLEARLY WE ARE OF THE SAME CLASS
>ACTIVATE THE CLOAK
>DEACTIVATE THe capslock

Dec 22, 2012 at 05:11PM EST

>Request that the Vogons kindly do not destroy my home planet Earth. I sent them a cancellation form months ago.

Also, >don’t panic

Dec 22, 2012 at 07:42PM EST
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“>FIRE ZE MISSILES
“>Fire Kamikaze Missiles!”

YE ZE MISSILES.
ALSO ZE MISSILES ARE ALREADY KAMIKAZE????


“>PRESS EVERY RANDOM BUTTON

AJOEIHGWOIEujoweASDFJKL Semi-Colon

Last edited Dec 22, 2012 at 08:28PM EST
Dec 22, 2012 at 08:26PM EST
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> Helmsman, get us out of here! NOW!

Dec 22, 2012 at 10:31PM EST

Light yourself on fire and give them a hug.

Dec 22, 2012 at 10:40PM EST

>Summon Blastoise.
No, wait, wrong Choose Your Own Adventure Thread.
>Preform a pile driver and finish it up with a hay maker.
No, that’s the Wrestling Thread…
>Uh, use Surf on a wave of dicks.
Still the Pokemon thread, kinda’.
>Screw it, just activate the force field button and make a hasty-natured retreat. (That increases your Speed stat and decreases your Attack stat, you know. Which means this is still the Pokemon thread.)

Last edited Dec 22, 2012 at 11:58PM EST
Dec 22, 2012 at 11:55PM EST
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There are five floating green letters, and there are five enemy ships.
Launch the five floating letters as projectiles to destroy the enemy ships.

Dec 23, 2012 at 12:22AM EST
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American Tanker, Hell on Tracks wrote:

> Helmsman, get us out of here! NOW!

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN MOTHA FUCKAS
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH-”


HAHAHAHAH AH FUCK.”

Dec 23, 2012 at 10:46AM EST
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>surrender
>allow them to board
>activate auto-destruct sequence
>jettison yourself into space

Dec 23, 2012 at 01:10PM EST

量子 Meme wrote:

>Hold A to charge your laser

The laser charges.

The Pirates wait patiently, assured that you will once again fuck up.

Dec 23, 2012 at 01:25PM EST
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>dont fuck up
>blast ’em

Dec 23, 2012 at 01:31PM EST

Syndic wrote:

>dont fuck up
>blast ’em

Your Roll of a D12 goes in your favor, and you pass your attack throw on an 11!

Lvl 24 BattleTech: Maximum Laser Fuck"

YOUR FOES ARE STUNNED BY YOUR AWESOME DISPLAY OF MIGHT.

YOUR MAIN BATTERY IS ALSO FRIED.

Dec 23, 2012 at 02:13PM EST
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>QUICK! LAUNCH DECAYING MAIN BATTERY AS A PROJECTILE!
>Install the replacement battery that is in the storage of the ship.

Dec 23, 2012 at 02:18PM EST
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Skeletor-sm

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