We’ve all gotten those e-mails that have been circulating about Teddy Roosevelt, retelling the strange feats and amazing physical prowess of our 26th president. But how many of these astonishing tales are true? Here is the answer: ALL OF THEM.
-Caught up in the spiritualism craze of the early twentieth century, Roosevelt participated in more than thirty séances: AS THE TABLE.
-Roosevelt began every day by wrestling his entire cabinet and throwing them out the window. He accidentally killed Secretary of War Elihu Root this way.
-When offered the “Presidential Option” to cover up any murder in the White House, he GUFFAWED MIGHTILY and insisted that he could easily bring Root back to life VIA STRENUOUS EXERCISE AND BLACK MAGIC.
-HE WAS RIGHT!
-When rejected by the mainstream Republican Party, Roosevelt created the “BULL MOOSE” Party. Initially, only moose were allowed to join, as Roosevelt admired their solid, stubborn nature, their hatred of trusts, and their ability to LEGALLY HAVE SEX WITH FEMALE MOOSE.
-LATER, PARTY MEMBERSHIP WOULD BE OPEN TO ANYONE WHO COULD GROW ANTLERS.
-Only JANE ADDAMS could manage it!
-TR’s daughter, the spirited Alice Roosevelt, would regularly STRANGLE PONIES for delight of the White House press corps. WHO DO YOU THINK TAUGHT HER THAT TRICK?
-The “Teddy Bear” was named after Teddy Roosevelt because of his LOVE OF BEAR MEAT and the fact that he was covered in fur.
-Teddy Roosevelt has a HOOK FOR A HAND. But then, you already knew this.
-Teddy Roosevelt originally built the American Museum of Natural History as a kind of lepidopterist’s “killing jar.” But instead of butterflies, he put dinosaurs inside and starved them UNTIL THEY WERE SKELETONS.
-He did the same thing with lepidopterists. THEIR BLEACHED SKULLS AND PATHETIC LITTLE NETS WERE KEPT AS TROPHIES IN HIS OFFICE.
-Roosevelt installed a nine-person, gold-plated hot tub in the Oval Office and filled it with scalding hot oil. HE CALLED IT A “BULLY BATH” and claimed it cured him forever of SHINGLES.
-Roosevelt was originally from New York, but he SHAT PENNSYLVANIA.
-Roosevelt once had a presidential aide who was suffering from the dread disease tuberculosis. TR organized a staring contest and STARED THE TB RIGHT OUT OF HIM.
-Together, TR and his son, Kermit, explored Brazil’s River of Doubt. When they were done with it, it was renamed THE RIVER OF UNQUESTIONABLE CERTAINTY.
-TR named his son Kermit. THAT SHOWED HIM.
-Roosevelt died fighting an old lion and was buried in Mount Rushmore, WHERE HIS GIGANTIC FOSSILIZED FACE STILL STARES OUT OVER THE COUNTRY HE BEAT INTO SHAPE TO THIS VERY DAY.
, by John Hodgman.