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In which we discuss the Beautiful Things.

Last posted Jul 29, 2010 at 12:15AM EDT. Added Jul 27, 2010 at 05:45AM EDT
37 posts from 15 users

Hello. Do not be alarmed by my sudden appearance, for my intents are innocent.

I will tell you about the Beautiful Things, and you will listen.

In this universe there exists a number of Beautiful Things. This number is unknown, but appears to be constant. Some are as old as the universe itself. Others have only recently been born. Most can be destroyed. The rest are eternal. There is one that will destroy all life.

I cannot count them all. Some have yet to be discovered. Others merely cannot be perceived by the feeble human mind. So I will begin with the simplest of them.


Look at this sunset. It is the sunset of Earth, and the only sunset to be a Beautiful Thing. The humans often marvel at its colors, the light it casts upon the landscape. Almost as if it were a sweet parting gift from the day, before the night takes us all in its cavernous mouth. Before the land is conquered by the Unknown. Before the wild creatures come clattering out, with their bulging amphibian eyes and muculent skin, crying in their alien tongue for human flesh. Before sleep makes us vulnerable to them. Is it not death that makes last words beautiful? Thus the night makes Earth's sunset a Beautiful Thing.


Do you recognize these skeletons? You should, because they are human skeletons. The human skeleton is very much a Beautiful Thing. There are other skeletons which are Beautiful Things, but you are unlikely to recognize them. I have much love for the human skeleton. Observe the delicately curved spine. The large cranium, which serves a myriad of purposes if one were to drill a hole in it. No other cranium is so useful. It is to be noted that humans themselves are not Beautiful Things. Only their skeletons. All must love the human skeleton. Any who do not must be slain.


Lady Gaga is even more beautiful of a Beautiful Thing. Her spirit is one that will ring with the universe for eternity. You have heard her celestial voice. You may have watched her dance as she is guided by the hand of the dark gods. Yet you do not truly understand her power. Not even the dark gods do. The essence of the cosmos pulsates within her. We must watch in awe.

What do you know about the Beautiful Things?

For now it is you who will tell me about the Beautiful Things, and I will listen.

Last edited Jul 27, 2010 at 05:56AM EDT

I got to be honest with you, HOH. Knowing you, when I first saw this thread, I thought it was gonna be about the Holders series.

Speaking of which, here's an awesome spoof I found from that site called Holder of Clichés

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of"- …Actually, I don't quite remember. I'll get back to you on that. Anyways some sort of emotion should appear on the receptionist's face, probably depending on what the dude is holding. Something like that. If the expression is… not the one that you want, then run away as fast as you can because they know you are here and they know what you want. You'll eventually find out if you've escaped or not.

If the expression is the one that you do want, the receptionist will lead you through an elaborate series of hallways and staircases and stuff until you reach some deep, hidden part of the building with nobody else around. Oh yeah, and there are people chanting stuff in foreign languages too. Don't listen to them, 'cuz you'll go insane. If the chanting stops at any time, though, stop and immediately say… Er, I forgot again, sorry. But yeah… If the chanting continues after you say that phrase or whatever, just keep going. If the chanting doesn't continue, pray that your death be swift, preferably painless too, and make sure this prayer goes out to every god you've ever heard of, and a few goddesses too, even though none of them will be listening, I think.

Oh, I forgot to tell you! The walls are lined with cages containing… Demons? Beasts? Humans suffering cruel and unusual punishment and/or undergoing cruel and unusual experiments? It was something along those lines. Meh, it probably doesn't matter anyways. Just don't look at them, or you'll go insane. Or they'll come out and eat you (and/or your soul). One of those.

So, you'll eventually get to a door. Open it slowly and shut your eyes, I think. Or maybe you don't have to shut your eyes, but don't look at the writing on the walls. Wait… It could've been the Holder that you aren't supposed to look at. Or a part of the Holder. Yes, his eyes! Don't make eye contact with the Holder! No… It was the thing that he was holding that you weren't supposed to look at! Naw, I got it now; he's really sensitive about his acne, so don't stare at his face. Or possibly… You know what, it might just be advisable to shut your eyes altogether. Then again, you might actually need to look at something. In the mean time, just keep your eyes to yourself. If you look at something you're not supposed to look at, pray that your death be swift, as the next Seeker will find the room painted in your blood, if he's actually allowed to look at the room.

(note: I may be mistaken and you might just go insane if you look at things that you're not supposed to. That may or may not be good news depending on your personal preference.)

Back to the Holder dude, it'll either be the most hideous, repulsive, demon-creature you've ever seen, or a naked woman. I didn't write that detail down. Don't show any sign of repulsion, fear, lust, glee, anger, hunger, sadness, envy, or confusion (I'm sure some of them are okay, but I don't know which). Of course, if you're not looking at him/her(/it?), it doesn't really matter, but I'm not dragging that back up. You gotta ask the Holder something. Uh, ask the Holder… Jeez, it was an extremely specific question. How was I supposed to remember? But yeah, ask the dude the right question or he'll kill you. Or eat you alive. Or torture you, or torture your soul, or leave you alone to rot in that room for all eternity, or maybe you'll simply go insane. Just pray that your death will be swift, I guess. That covers all the bases.

If you ask him the right question, the Holder tell you a tl;dr story cataloging every instance of "x" in the history of the world, where "x" is some sort of bad thing related to your question. And you'll feel really bad about yourself because of all the bad stuff. You might go insane, you might mysteriously vanish, you might kill yourself, you might pray that your death be swift, but if you can endure this story, the dude will give you…

Okay, look. I haven't actually gotten this far, okay. I'm just going off of what other people said. Don't judge me, okay? This object will give you some sort of superpower or curse, yada yada yada, you wake up in front of blah blah blah, either completely unscathed or with some sort of supernatural injury or maybe just a generally disgruntled outlook on the world, et cetera, et cetera.

This object is number I-don't-give-a-crap out of 538 (or maybe 2538). Remember to take notes when being told something important, or pray that your death be swift.

Sometimes I'll be in the city. And there's all these handsome businessmen. Hello, you handsome businessmen. Looks like you're going somewhere important. It's okay, I won't bother you. But you can't see me anyway.

Skeletor-sm

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