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So I have this fucking insane online high school class, today's assignment was to write our own obituary and to answer these questions:

Death is…
I want to die at…
I don’t want to live past…
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…
My greatest fear about death is…
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn't…
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…
When I die, I will be glad to get away from…
When I die, I want people to say…

I thought the assignment was laughably absurd (and depressing). So, write your own obituary, or turn the questions into an emo poem.

My obituary:

RIP in Peace
Richter von Zelmisburg
1257-2014
"If I don't come back, that means the rabbits ate me."
"FYIAD"

Here Lies TripleA9000
He died the way most black guys do.

Death is…ANIME
I want to die at…ANIME
I don’t want to live past…ANIME
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…ANIME
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…ANIME
My greatest fear about death is…ANIME
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t…ANIME
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…ANIME
When I die, I will be glad to get away from…ANIME
When I die, I want people to say…ANIME

Death is…exactly what it is.
I want to die at…the place I want to die at.
I don’t want to live past…the place I don't want to live past.
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…the thing I would like to have at my bedside when I die.
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…will be proud of that when I was living.
My greatest fear about death is…having great fear about death.
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t…do things that wouldn't make me glad.
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…regretting that regret.
When I die, I will be glad to get away from…the things that I would be glad to get away from.
When I die, I want people to say…the thing that they would say.

Death is…or is it?
I want to die at… does it matter?
I don’t want to live past… what guarantees are there that i'm alive now?
I would like to have at my bedside when I die… will i die in my bed? is there anyway to tell?
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I… was I living?
My greatest fear about death is… that it never begins and never ends
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t… but what if i did and didn't realize?
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be… who says i haven't?
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… who says i will get away from anything?
When I die, I want people to say… he's dead.

Say these sentences are impossible to answer because you haven't ever died so you have no point of reference.

Death is… the end of my Transformers Fandom
I want to die at… the birthplace of the Transformers franchise
I don’t want to live past… I want to live in the future of Transformers
I would like to have at my bedside when I die… is a collection of Transformers and Transformers toys
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I… loved Transformers
My greatest fear about death is… not doing anything about Transformers
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t… hate Transformers
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be… not having enough Transformers
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… anything not Transformers
When I die, I want people to say… I love Transformers

Death is… Death
I want to die at… my bed
I don’t want to live past… the day meerkats go extinct
I would like to have at my bedside when I die… a dog
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I… discovered gay yiff
My greatest fear about death is… if it would a be a awful death
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t… die
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be… not visiting meerkats at zoo
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… everyone
When I die, I want people to say… halleujah

Death is… suffering
I want to die at…were meduka is
I don’t want to live past…meduka
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…meduka…..rabu
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I… saved meduka
My greatest fear about death is… meduka die first
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t… not save meduka
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be… I no save meduka
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… coobie
When I die, I want people to say… Hameru and Meduka, best cuple.

Well everyones answering these ironicially. I guess I'll be double ironic and answer them seriously.

Death is…scary
I want to die at…my choosing
I don’t want to live past…the singularity
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…Jesus
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…was at least honest about my ignorance.
My greatest fear about death is…that God might exist, be a dick, and send people to hell for no reason.
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t…let my sadness take it all.
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…never publishing a good book.
When I die, I will be glad to get away from…the burden of living, the horror of not knowing, the fear of dying
When I die, I want people to say…He was damned clever!

Death is something that can die in strange aeons.
I want to die at my own bed, at the age of 100 or so, with a belly full of Sprite and a girl's butthole around my dick (but I'd prefer that I died after we were finished banging, because necrophilia is gross).
I don’t want to live past the heat-death of the universe, because that would be horrifically dull.
I would like to have at my bedside when I die a picture of Nicolas Cage, because why not.
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I could be remembered as "that guy who did things".
My greatest fear about death is what it feels like to stop giving a shit.
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t masturbate with sandpaper.
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be nothing, because my life was one lived without a single regret.
When I die, I will be glad to get away from people that post selfies.
When I die, I want people to say "see you, space cowboy."

Death is…some dumb shit.
I want to die at…some person's doorstep because it'd be hella funny.
I don’t want to live past…50 because living past 50 would suck ass
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…My car. I can fit that shit in a room, just watch me.
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…became a furry. Kidding, I haven't done shit yet.
My greatest fear about death is…not punching it in the face when I get there.
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t…not use a condom. Play it safe, kids.
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…not dying hard enough.
When I die, I will be glad to get away from…EVERYONE.
When I die, I want people to say…"Thank goodness that fucker is gone."

Death is… imminent.
I want to die at… any of the filming locations from Evil Dead/Army of Darkness.
I don’t want to live past… my expiration date.
I would like to have at my bedside when I die… Stocking Anarchy (somehow brought to life or cosplay).
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I… made some pretty cool drawings.
My greatest fear about death is… you never know when it comes.
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t… decompose.
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be… not being able to play any new Nintendo games.
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… trolls, haters, and just everyone that can be a douche-bag.
When I die, I want people to say… I was a pretty funny guy.

Death is… metal
I want to die at… weenie hut
I don’t want to live past… captain blubber
I would like to have at my bedside when I die… beer and cigarettes
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I… scored
My greatest fear about death is… it will happen too soon
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t… be gay
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be… not deleting my Internet history
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… 4chan
When I die, I want people to say…

Some people don't think that it be like this, but it do.

Death is…atruk fah joor
I want to die at…nid ofan zahd
I don’t want to live past… oblaan do hesbrot
I would like to have at my bedside when I die… hjotus hesbrot
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…lost kothrakaas voth hin monah
My greatest fear about death is…dinok nimaar
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t…thesk voth alduin
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…tol zu'u drey ni koraav dii ahdinaak anahlrii
When I die, I will be glad to get away from… dovahkiin
When I die, I want people to say…naal nen, tol lost zomaar!

I'm far too lazy to actually fill the thing out, but I'm sure that plenty of the answers are in here:

Here lies General Shi Gai
2014-2014
"I'll sleep when I'm de- … oh wait."
Death is dead.
I want to die in a taco bell bathroom.
I don’t want to live past age 2.
I would like to have 400 women at my bedside.
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I was alive.
My greatest fear about death is the fact that I'll become a spooky scary skeleton.
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t die… oh wait.
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be regretting having no regrets.
When I die, I will be glad to get away from deviantart fetishes.
When I die, I want people to say "That Shi Gai was a faggot." so I have a reason to haunt them.
How I want to die:

Death is…Ascension to a existence away from the material and into the EUPHORIC
I want to die at…A point in my life in which I am truly satisfied, truly relieved, and truly EUPHORIC
I don’t want to live past…The time in which I achieve true EUPHORIA
I would like to have at my bedside when I die…My lover, my soulmate, my partner, the one being who can help me truly achieve EUPHORIA
When I die, I will be proud that when I was living I…Could achieve all I could achieve, be the best that I could be, and grasp sweet, sweet EUPHORIA
My greatest fear about death is…Failing to achieve EUPHORIA
When I die, I will be glad that when I was living I didn’t…Succumb to the wants of the flesh, remained pure and devout in my journey to true EUPHORIA
If I were to die today, my biggest regret would be…Not being able to tell the world about the experiences of EUPHORIA
When I die, I will be glad to get away from…The temptations of the flesh, the material want, and the false EUPHORIA present in this plane.
When I die, I want people to say…Damn, he finally gained his EUPHORIA