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During a flood, two cats tried to swim across a river to get to safety on the other side.

The cats were named One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois.

One-Two-Three made it across the river.

However…

… =( …

Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

Several corny jokes, anti jokes and blatantly offensive jokes, most of which told to me in early highschool

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway.

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What is considered a punishment as a child but is considered a reward as an adult?

Death

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What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?

Niggas

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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian
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What do you call a Fish with no Eyes?

What's the best cancer? Breast Cancer

A Latino, Arab, Slav & Black man are in a Car, who's driving? The Cop.

What's the name of the game where you run a Concentration Camp? Holocauster Tycoon 1945

Phillip ate 195986302 Filetburgers, each filtetburger costs $5, how much did Phillip's meal cost? $40,000 because he eventually died of Cardiac Arrest & his family had to pay for Funeral Expenses.

Real one i got on a popsicle stick:

Why does a quarter fly higher than other coins?

It has an eagle on it

My life

The other day, my girlfriend accused me of being a pedophile. I was shocked. I mean, "pedophile" is a pretty big word for a nine year old.

I think that first one is great.

How many vaccinations does it take to kill a kid?

None.

Why did the little kid walk the red light?

To show he had guts.

One time I was at a party with entertainment being provided by a Spanish magician.
He said he would disappear on the count of three and he began counting,

"Uno, dos-" POOF.

He vanished without a Tres.

What do you call it when a valley girl gives a blow job for a pair of Louboutins?

Head over heels.
Stolen from Iggy Azalea

Alice: Did you drink down the orange juice?
Bob: Yeah.
Alice: What are you, a (Citrus) Nazi?

Why was the four year old kid with the anti-vaccine parents crying? Mid-life crisis

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

What do you call a Chinese cat?
Chairman Meow.