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Anon is a YouTuber | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 09/12/20(Sat)16:24:43 No.60012186 >Try to start a Youtube >Post every day >30 days in >Embarrassed about my videos >only viewer is mom >she comments positive things on 10 KB JPG every video Thanks Mom
: Anonymous 09/12/20(Sat)16:24:43 No.60012186 >Try to start a Youtube >Post every day >30 days in >Embarrassed about my videos >only viewer is mom >she comments positive things on 10 KB JPG every video Thanks Mom

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Crunch n' munch | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/12/21(Thu)05:07:50 No.63001345 >b me >on the phone sitting next to mom >"so, you know that the obesity rate in america is like 40+%, isn't that crazy?" >"I guess so, anon. Why bring that up ?" 2.1 MB JPG >she was always insecure about her weight despite being 56 kg at 5'7 >"i just can't imagine how these people live ..rant... >fast forward to the next day. Find mom doing crunches in the living room Bless her soul, bros.
: Anonymous 08/12/21(Thu)05:07:50 No.63001345 >b me >on the phone sitting next to mom >"so, you know that the obesity rate in america is like 40+%, isn't that crazy?" >"I guess so, anon. Why bring that up ?" 2.1 MB JPG >she was always insecure about her weight despite being 56 kg at 5'7 >"i just can't imagine how these people live ..rant... >fast forward to the next day. Find mom doing crunches in the living room Bless her soul, bros.

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Anon is a musician | /r/Greentext

File: tfw_mickey.jpg (6 KB, 191x160) O Anonymous 08/12/21(Thu)02:10:43 No.860871920 [Reply] >>860873040 >really f------ love eating my girl out >love hearing the sounds she makes >one time realise she makes a different kind of moan depending on what I'm doing >the sounds she makes vary in pitch, I can make her make specific noises at will >try to play the Darth Vader theme on her >almost got it >she snaps out of euphoria the second she figures out what I'm trying to do >mood killed instantly >she doesn't trust me down there again
File: tfw_mickey.jpg (6 KB, 191x160) O Anonymous 08/12/21(Thu)02:10:43 No.860871920 [Reply] >>860873040 >really f------ love eating my girl out >love hearing the sounds she makes >one time realise she makes a different kind of moan depending on what I'm doing >the sounds she makes vary in pitch, I can make her make specific noises at will >try to play the Darth Vader theme on her >almost got it >she snaps out of euphoria the second she figures out what I'm trying to do >mood killed instantly >she doesn't trust me down there again

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How funny is this lmao | /r/Greentext

>Be me, old f----- >Year 2080 >Grandkids come in >"Grandad look at this funny meme' >Proceeds to show me a glowing tesseract that sucks me in and makes me feel like I've just been imprisoned in a nightmarish hellscape for 10,000 years >falling through an endless tunnel of razorblades >bleeding out of every orifice >Ohgodmakeitstop >Ear-splitting noise and red light flashes before my eyes >l snap back to reality covered in sweat and vomit on the floor >"How funny is that Grandad Imaooo" >Mfw
>Be me, old f----- >Year 2080 >Grandkids come in >"Grandad look at this funny meme' >Proceeds to show me a glowing tesseract that sucks me in and makes me feel like I've just been imprisoned in a nightmarish hellscape for 10,000 years >falling through an endless tunnel of razorblades >bleeding out of every orifice >Ohgodmakeitstop >Ear-splitting noise and red light flashes before my eyes >l snap back to reality covered in sweat and vomit on the floor >"How funny is that Grandad Imaooo" >Mfw

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Anon is in love | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous I f----- dn and caught feeling(...) 08/11/21(Wed)20:41:27 No.24726456 I messed up, and now i'm infatuated for the first time in my life, and i'm afraid. QUAAACK >Go out on Tinder date not expecting much >She's into every obscure book, comic and musician or artist that i'm into >I don't even have to think about what i'm going to say 179 KB PNG about ten mins in >After talking about literature and film and philosophy for three straight hours we go back to mine to watch a movie >Not even five minutes in and were making out and it leads to two hours of the most passionate sex i've ever had in my life >Afterwards were both panting and she says that it feels like she just dropped ecstasy or something >Blurt out like an idiot "Do you want to go to the bookshop with me tomorrow?" >l only make it half way through the sentence before she enthusiastically says "Yes! l'd love too!" >She heads home and says she'll hit me up after work tomorrow >Happiest I've ever felt in a decade >So happy I can barely sleep the whole night and just keep thinking about her >Now it's morning and I'm actively fighting the impulse to message her before she messages me >Scared to death that she won't >Feel like if she doesn't, it's divine karmic retribution for all of the other girls I didn't really like, that I ended up ghosting
: Anonymous I f----- dn and caught feeling(...) 08/11/21(Wed)20:41:27 No.24726456 I messed up, and now i'm infatuated for the first time in my life, and i'm afraid. QUAAACK >Go out on Tinder date not expecting much >She's into every obscure book, comic and musician or artist that i'm into >I don't even have to think about what i'm going to say 179 KB PNG about ten mins in >After talking about literature and film and philosophy for three straight hours we go back to mine to watch a movie >Not even five minutes in and were making out and it leads to two hours of the most passionate sex i've ever had in my life >Afterwards were both panting and she says that it feels like she just dropped ecstasy or something >Blurt out like an idiot "Do you want to go to the bookshop with me tomorrow?" >l only make it half way through the sentence before she enthusiastically says "Yes! l'd love too!" >She heads home and says she'll hit me up after work tomorrow >Happiest I've ever felt in a decade >So happy I can barely sleep the whole night and just keep thinking about her >Now it's morning and I'm actively fighting the impulse to message her before she messages me >Scared to death that she won't >Feel like if she doesn't, it's divine karmic retribution for all of the other girls I didn't really like, that I ended up ghosting

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Anon is from the south | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/12/21(Thu)07:36:26 No.64940038 >f--- my sister >tell her it was a mistake, we shouldn't do it again >f--- my sister again >tell her we really need to stop >want her like a drug >f--- her again I feel like I could drop dead at any moment knowing what I'm doing gives me so much anxiety but I can't 66 KB JPG stop
: Anonymous 08/12/21(Thu)07:36:26 No.64940038 >f--- my sister >tell her it was a mistake, we shouldn't do it again >f--- my sister again >tell her we really need to stop >want her like a drug >f--- her again I feel like I could drop dead at any moment knowing what I'm doing gives me so much anxiety but I can't 66 KB JPG stop

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Anon cheats the system | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/02/19(Wed)20:45:00 No.50197127 >be me >not chad >join cuckold community >lots of girls are looking for guys they can cuck, it's their fetish 28 KB JPG >a lot of REALLY HOT chicks end up messaging me >get one to start dating me >the deal is she f---- me and is free to f--- others on the side and sometimes I have to watch >I lose my virginity to her >l immediately go no contact on her and start messaging the other girls through this community >f----- 4 chicks out of my league and it has only been 1 month since I joined. Who here /high IQ/?
: Anonymous 01/02/19(Wed)20:45:00 No.50197127 >be me >not chad >join cuckold community >lots of girls are looking for guys they can cuck, it's their fetish 28 KB JPG >a lot of REALLY HOT chicks end up messaging me >get one to start dating me >the deal is she f---- me and is free to f--- others on the side and sometimes I have to watch >I lose my virginity to her >l immediately go no contact on her and start messaging the other girls through this community >f----- 4 chicks out of my league and it has only been 1 month since I joined. Who here /high IQ/?

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Anon has Tinnitus | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)21:52:23 No.64938221 >watch other people talk >have such confidence in their voice and their eyes have a certain look in them, cant describe it but their eyes just look full >my voice and eyes are just hollow 42 KB JPG I wonder if their ears also have the perpetual "ЕЕЕЕEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕEEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕEEEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕ ЕЕEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕEEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕ" I wonder if black holes are painful 2 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)21:54:51 No.64938247 >l wonder if their ears also have the perpetual "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" You have tinnitus, friend.
: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)21:52:23 No.64938221 >watch other people talk >have such confidence in their voice and their eyes have a certain look in them, cant describe it but their eyes just look full >my voice and eyes are just hollow 42 KB JPG I wonder if their ears also have the perpetual "ЕЕЕЕEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕEEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕEEEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕ ЕЕEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕEEЕЕЕЕЕЕЕЕ" I wonder if black holes are painful 2 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)21:54:51 No.64938247 >l wonder if their ears also have the perpetual "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" You have tinnitus, friend.

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New nickname | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)22:26:24 No.860832542 Short story >Be me >Like 15 >The newspaper does some interviews 59 KB JPG >Question is "how often do u go to church?" >l answer with that i go every sunday >They ask if i joke >l did, still answer with a no >Every person see me in the paper >Get a new nickname >The nun Mfw
: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)22:26:24 No.860832542 Short story >Be me >Like 15 >The newspaper does some interviews 59 KB JPG >Question is "how often do u go to church?" >l answer with that i go every sunday >They ask if i joke >l did, still answer with a no >Every person see me in the paper >Get a new nickname >The nun Mfw

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Anon hates motorcycles | /r/Greentext

Anonymous No.701669822 1 hour ago >be me >be shopping for vehicle >weigh all of my options carefully >forgo the seat belt because I'm a safe driver >forgo the airbags because I'm a careful driver >forgo the steel cage because I'm a defensive driver >forgo the 2 extra wheels and therefore stability because I'm an excellent driver >forgo the vehicle that's easily seen by others on the road >select the cageless, beltless, airbagless, less visible vehicle with half the wheels of a car but can go 3x the speed of any speed limit in the country because I'm anything but reckless >it can split lanes because I'm a sensible driver >get clipped by a corolla and lose my leg and half my skin to an accident that would've just been a dinged quarter panel. >How can other drivers be so reckless?? Are motorcycle drivers literal retards /b/?
Anonymous No.701669822 1 hour ago >be me >be shopping for vehicle >weigh all of my options carefully >forgo the seat belt because I'm a safe driver >forgo the airbags because I'm a careful driver >forgo the steel cage because I'm a defensive driver >forgo the 2 extra wheels and therefore stability because I'm an excellent driver >forgo the vehicle that's easily seen by others on the road >select the cageless, beltless, airbagless, less visible vehicle with half the wheels of a car but can go 3x the speed of any speed limit in the country because I'm anything but reckless >it can split lanes because I'm a sensible driver >get clipped by a corolla and lose my leg and half my skin to an accident that would've just been a dinged quarter panel. >How can other drivers be so reckless?? Are motorcycle drivers literal retards /b/?

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OP sees some Planets | /r/Greentext

>be me >sad depressed >suicidal thoughts >dad notices >thinks it's because of my siblings >thinks i don't get enough attention >takes me to the planetarium every other 29 KB JPG weekend because i love space >falls asleep every time because he's working 12h a day >he always takes me >still alive
>be me >sad depressed >suicidal thoughts >dad notices >thinks it's because of my siblings >thinks i don't get enough attention >takes me to the planetarium every other 29 KB JPG weekend because i love space >falls asleep every time because he's working 12h a day >he always takes me >still alive

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Anon gets an umbrella | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 745707443 3 hr ago •0. >be me >be 14 >recently started highschool >make enemies as easily as I make friends >some m----- child takes a particular disliking to me >turns out he's a Jew >muh germanic heritage >anyways.txt >never owned an umbrella before >have always used father's or brother's >rains torrentially after school, drenching me >take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there >still own the umbrella to this day >half a dollar and isn't too shabby >has some fake wood handle which looks 262.0 kB PNG nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones >it deploys by powerful internal spring operation >sidetracked_again.autism >buy it >turn up to school the next day >short Juden is acting like he owns the place >l happen to be within range >pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb >he is amused >be not amused >later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it >sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some anon in the face >the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat >silence as people try to figure out what just happened >w--.umbrella >anon and I become friends >he is half Japanese >go to changing room and the Juden is noisily s--- talking >other Jew tells him to stfu >Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes >axis powers intensify >jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel >_have_the_high_ground.f-- >makes the mistake of saying I lost the war >Deutschland, Deutschland über alles >point umbrella at his face and press the release button >the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall >the umbrella is now infamous >no further confrontation with Juden for a long time >fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently >it is destroyed >there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise >return home >assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge >rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue >rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only >rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred >tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly >next day >umbrella meme intensifies >umbrella is found by many students to be amusing >umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head >umbrella is destroyed in the process >news of its second demise circulates >kid who got hit complains to the powers that be >foreshadow-tron fires up in the background >school assembly next day >umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated >George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row >l obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database >fast forward four days >an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things >obviously has been trodden on >quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided >perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental >turn up next day with umbrella >no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works >umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it >almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power >fast forward two days >umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack >four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella >news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it >the operation was a failure >one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain >next day >anon student kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously >he is rewarded for his diligence and honesty in slushie format >umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it >umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid >two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella >decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise >fast forward four months >a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming >the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close >winteriscoming.cringe >prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays >cult grows over the two week break >copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to be truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella >"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me" >one week into the semester >my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful >tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the s--- out of me >they impolitely decline >tries to get his older brother to beat the s--- out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teachers >he impolitely accepts >people notice the scenario and begin watching >he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen >swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck >everyone is now watching intently >two female teachers are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog >one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings >swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which had slowly become lighter and more agile >he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella >laugh_track.wav >about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defence >have idea >pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that it was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon >charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued >Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment >umbrella is now a mainstream meme in school and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions >teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it >half Ja himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it >teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety >fast forward four weeks anese friend now uses the umbrella for shading >waiting for bus >a challenger appears >Juden-child deftly relieves me of the umbrella >audible titanic theme >a bus is pulling away from the stop, some of the students on it seeing the traumatic event unfolding while the crowd at the stop looks on in shock >Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch >he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand >there is great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures >Juden-child has triumphed >feels bad man >crowd parts to allow clear access >the damage is catastrophic >it has become two dimensional >metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere >gather as much of its remains as possible >umbrella permit has definitely expired now >get home >1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight >next day >enter the school gates solemn >umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst >in school assembly >umbrellas are now banned due to a health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat >George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screeching in newspeak >must choose the perfect time >students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state with me leading the parade >quickly whip out the umbrella which I have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours >raise it up above my head for all to see >there is a collective scree from several hundred teenagers >many are in disbelief >it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses >there was still hope >fearing confiscation, the umbrella is not seen again for some time >parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child >said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing" >get contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one >agree >umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth >decide to form a secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy >despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details >of_course.pdf >dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school >heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal >some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside >tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella >lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR >dean becomes the human manifestation of anger >error 404 >culprit not found >peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to the newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time >the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody knows where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance >it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion >fast forward one year >KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella >umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price >the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella >umbrella is black >umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent" >the teachers are kept highly confused due to our underground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare >questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying l don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen >questioned on the secret umbrella society >imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony >fast forward a few weeks >umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts >umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers >umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty >there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed >KGB makes life difficult for them >some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends >they move schools >lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin >KGB anon chick is on office notice runner duty >KGB anon chick waits for planned diversion >dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives >umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin >KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning >small offcuts of the fabric canopy which were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches >umbrella is returned to me to be repaired >fast forward two days >news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly >umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break >his_face_when.wat >last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear >umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time >it is in my possession on the eleventh of August >it would be the darkest day in the history of the school >8/11 >light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school >think nothing of it >get off the bus >hail begins >little marbles hitting my head so I pull out the umbrella >this is the first known time it has been used to shield someone from the weather in months >still works >feels good man >tragedy strikes >marbles begin to increase in size >hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella >wrist hurts like f--- >some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket >feels disgruntled man >then it hits me like the hailstone should have >that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life >damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella >when the only thing that could possibly kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very thing it's designed to be able to handle >the weather >irony.w-- >reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness >confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death >teachers all smug >dean is smug >the society is in ruins >someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real s--- job of fixing it >it's not the same and nobody follows >school morale is at an all time low >wailing and gnashing of teeth >eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella >former society members and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions >fast forward a lot to my last couple of weeks of high school >find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed >get chills >maniacal_grin.kek >fast forward one week >last week of high school >the secret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated >worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year >last day >worth it >walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head >it's stitched together and comprised of approximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works >and it was back >loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s >everyone hears and turns around >looks of disbelief >lolwut.ayylmao >the look on Juden-manlet's face >the look on the dean's face >the look on my face >the final triumph >the umbrella is given a name on that last day >it is the genuine umbrella >it is an anorexic umbrella >it is almost a sun umbrella >it is the real slim shady >guess who's back >back again back >shad >tell a friend >...
Anonymous | 745707443 3 hr ago •0. >be me >be 14 >recently started highschool >make enemies as easily as I make friends >some m----- child takes a particular disliking to me >turns out he's a Jew >muh germanic heritage >anyways.txt >never owned an umbrella before >have always used father's or brother's >rains torrentially after school, drenching me >take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there >still own the umbrella to this day >half a dollar and isn't too shabby >has some fake wood handle which looks 262.0 kB PNG nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones >it deploys by powerful internal spring operation >sidetracked_again.autism >buy it >turn up to school the next day >short Juden is acting like he owns the place >l happen to be within range >pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb >he is amused >be not amused >later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it >sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some anon in the face >the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat >silence as people try to figure out what just happened >w--.umbrella >anon and I become friends >he is half Japanese >go to changing room and the Juden is noisily s--- talking >other Jew tells him to stfu >Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes >axis powers intensify >jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel >_have_the_high_ground.f-- >makes the mistake of saying I lost the war >Deutschland, Deutschland über alles >point umbrella at his face and press the release button >the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall >the umbrella is now infamous >no further confrontation with Juden for a long time >fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently >it is destroyed >there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise >return home >assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge >rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue >rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only >rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred >tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly >next day >umbrella meme intensifies >umbrella is found by many students to be amusing >umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head >umbrella is destroyed in the process >news of its second demise circulates >kid who got hit complains to the powers that be >foreshadow-tron fires up in the background >school assembly next day >umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated >George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row >l obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database >fast forward four days >an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things >obviously has been trodden on >quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided >perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental >turn up next day with umbrella >no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works >umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it >almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power >fast forward two days >umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack >four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella >news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it >the operation was a failure >one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain >next day >anon student kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously >he is rewarded for his diligence and honesty in slushie format >umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it >umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid >two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella >decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise >fast forward four months >a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming >the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close >winteriscoming.cringe >prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays >cult grows over the two week break >copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to be truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella >"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me" >one week into the semester >my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful >tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the s--- out of me >they impolitely decline >tries to get his older brother to beat the s--- out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teachers >he impolitely accepts >people notice the scenario and begin watching >he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen >swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck >everyone is now watching intently >two female teachers are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog >one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings >swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which had slowly become lighter and more agile >he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella >laugh_track.wav >about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defence >have idea >pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that it was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon >charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued >Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment >umbrella is now a mainstream meme in school and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions >teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it >half Ja himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it >teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety >fast forward four weeks anese friend now uses the umbrella for shading >waiting for bus >a challenger appears >Juden-child deftly relieves me of the umbrella >audible titanic theme >a bus is pulling away from the stop, some of the students on it seeing the traumatic event unfolding while the crowd at the stop looks on in shock >Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch >he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand >there is great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures >Juden-child has triumphed >feels bad man >crowd parts to allow clear access >the damage is catastrophic >it has become two dimensional >metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere >gather as much of its remains as possible >umbrella permit has definitely expired now >get home >1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight >next day >enter the school gates solemn >umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst >in school assembly >umbrellas are now banned due to a health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat >George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screeching in newspeak >must choose the perfect time >students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state with me leading the parade >quickly whip out the umbrella which I have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours >raise it up above my head for all to see >there is a collective scree from several hundred teenagers >many are in disbelief >it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses >there was still hope >fearing confiscation, the umbrella is not seen again for some time >parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child >said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing" >get contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one >agree >umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth >decide to form a secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy >despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details >of_course.pdf >dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school >heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal >some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside >tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella >lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR >dean becomes the human manifestation of anger >error 404 >culprit not found >peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to the newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time >the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody knows where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance >it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion >fast forward one year >KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella >umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price >the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella >umbrella is black >umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent" >the teachers are kept highly confused due to our underground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare >questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying l don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen >questioned on the secret umbrella society >imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony >fast forward a few weeks >umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts >umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers >umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty >there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed >KGB makes life difficult for them >some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends >they move schools >lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin >KGB anon chick is on office notice runner duty >KGB anon chick waits for planned diversion >dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives >umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin >KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning >small offcuts of the fabric canopy which were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches >umbrella is returned to me to be repaired >fast forward two days >news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly >umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break >his_face_when.wat >last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear >umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time >it is in my possession on the eleventh of August >it would be the darkest day in the history of the school >8/11 >light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school >think nothing of it >get off the bus >hail begins >little marbles hitting my head so I pull out the umbrella >this is the first known time it has been used to shield someone from the weather in months >still works >feels good man >tragedy strikes >marbles begin to increase in size >hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella >wrist hurts like f--- >some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket >feels disgruntled man >then it hits me like the hailstone should have >that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life >damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella >when the only thing that could possibly kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very thing it's designed to be able to handle >the weather >irony.w-- >reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness >confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death >teachers all smug >dean is smug >the society is in ruins >someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real s--- job of fixing it >it's not the same and nobody follows >school morale is at an all time low >wailing and gnashing of teeth >eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella >former society members and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions >fast forward a lot to my last couple of weeks of high school >find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed >get chills >maniacal_grin.kek >fast forward one week >last week of high school >the secret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated >worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year >last day >worth it >walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head >it's stitched together and comprised of approximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works >and it was back >loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s >everyone hears and turns around >looks of disbelief >lolwut.ayylmao >the look on Juden-manlet's face >the look on the dean's face >the look on my face >the final triumph >the umbrella is given a name on that last day >it is the genuine umbrella >it is an anorexic umbrella >it is almost a sun umbrella >it is the real slim shady >guess who's back >back again back >shad >tell a friend >...

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Anon uses tinder | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)19:33:37 No.860825678 >be me on tinder app >"You have a match" >Open app and find it's some dumb match advertising COVID vaccine. >Become anti vaxxer feels good man >Get COVID 23 KB JPG >Go to hospital >Hot nurse bathed me in my bed >Thanks tinder
: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)19:33:37 No.860825678 >be me on tinder app >"You have a match" >Open app and find it's some dumb match advertising COVID vaccine. >Become anti vaxxer feels good man >Get COVID 23 KB JPG >Go to hospital >Hot nurse bathed me in my bed >Thanks tinder

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Anon is American | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)14:14:05 No.2149155 07786595-5D4E-4879-88A6-F(...).jpg (8 KB, 24 >have a decent life >stable job >comfy apartment with hot water and internet >it's not too much but it's honest work >tell people you love your life >you love living this life >in this country >you love your country >get called a bigot by broke minorities and retard woketards why is this allowed again
Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)14:14:05 No.2149155 07786595-5D4E-4879-88A6-F(...).jpg (8 KB, 24 >have a decent life >stable job >comfy apartment with hot water and internet >it's not too much but it's honest work >tell people you love your life >you love living this life >in this country >you love your country >get called a bigot by broke minorities and retard woketards why is this allowed again

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I am not crying, you are. ? | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/12/19(Tue)20:46:04 No.792494021 >be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from r--- >walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard >lock eyes with this cat in the adoption area >she presses her paw up to the 570 KB JPG glass >cryinginpublic.jpg >l impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again >cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I'm home and encourages me to get out of bed in the morning Don't forget to give your pet a hug today
: Anonymous 02/12/19(Tue)20:46:04 No.792494021 >be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from r--- >walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard >lock eyes with this cat in the adoption area >she presses her paw up to the 570 KB JPG glass >cryinginpublic.jpg >l impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again >cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I'm home and encourages me to get out of bed in the morning Don't forget to give your pet a hug today

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Staying alive | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)23:40:27 No.64939514 friend of mine got covid. >could just barely breathe >taken to hospital >rode in ambulance to other hospital >not dead a alamy stock photo 13 KB JPG >still shitposts to group chat occasionally i love you, bro. keep fighting.
: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)23:40:27 No.64939514 friend of mine got covid. >could just barely breathe >taken to hospital >rode in ambulance to other hospital >not dead a alamy stock photo 13 KB JPG >still shitposts to group chat occasionally i love you, bro. keep fighting.

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lttstore.com | /r/Greentext

File: Absolute peak.png (2.3 MB, 2048x1618) $$$$$ 9:23 G AMD wants HOW MUCH for 1080p Gaming?? Linus Tech Tips 167K views 2 hours ago You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)18:18:16 No.566874062 >>566874184 >>566874290o >566874365 >>566874712 >>566874889 >566875096 >>566875946 >>566876083 >>566876116>566876481 >>566876836>566877097>566877506 >>566877658 >>566878337>>566878597 >>566879602 566880086 566880798 >566881410 566881443 >566883329 Anonymous 08/10/21 (Tue)18:18:44 No.566874107 >>566874648>56687480s >>566874856 >566874958 >>566874975 >>566875169 >>566876185 >>566876940 >>566877784 >566878019>566878137>>566879475 >566883737 >>566874062 COP) do you think he is a virgin? Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)18:28:13 No.566874975 >>566875164 >>566882202 566874107 He's the fat ugly guy that ntrs people Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)19:52:43 No.566883202 >>566883341 25664206 File: Away.gif (990 KB, 245x245) >>566874975 >Come home from work >Wife & daughter are lying on the floor in a puddle of c-- and all your PC's are running some obscure linux distro NE CAN TNEEP GETTING AWAY WITH ITim
File: Absolute peak.png (2.3 MB, 2048x1618) $$$$$ 9:23 G AMD wants HOW MUCH for 1080p Gaming?? Linus Tech Tips 167K views 2 hours ago You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)18:18:16 No.566874062 >>566874184 >>566874290o >566874365 >>566874712 >>566874889 >566875096 >>566875946 >>566876083 >>566876116>566876481 >>566876836>566877097>566877506 >>566877658 >>566878337>>566878597 >>566879602 566880086 566880798 >566881410 566881443 >566883329 Anonymous 08/10/21 (Tue)18:18:44 No.566874107 >>566874648>56687480s >>566874856 >566874958 >>566874975 >>566875169 >>566876185 >>566876940 >>566877784 >566878019>566878137>>566879475 >566883737 >>566874062 COP) do you think he is a virgin? Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)18:28:13 No.566874975 >>566875164 >>566882202 566874107 He's the fat ugly guy that ntrs people Anonymous 08/10/21(Tue)19:52:43 No.566883202 >>566883341 25664206 File: Away.gif (990 KB, 245x245) >>566874975 >Come home from work >Wife & daughter are lying on the floor in a puddle of c-- and all your PC's are running some obscure linux distro NE CAN TNEEP GETTING AWAY WITH ITim

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Anon has a visitor | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)10:04:06 No.860811357 >>860811427 >be me >35 years old on October 31 >hear knock at door >open door, some little demon looking thing there >"trick or treat" it yells >quickly punch demon spawn in face >slam door and run upstairs >fall asleep holding Book of Mormon
Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)10:04:06 No.860811357 >>860811427 >be me >35 years old on October 31 >hear knock at door >open door, some little demon looking thing there >"trick or treat" it yells >quickly punch demon spawn in face >slam door and run upstairs >fall asleep holding Book of Mormon

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Anon sizes up the competition. | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)21:00:33 No.64937650 >there are people reading this right now with flaccid cocks smaller than a roided woman's clitoris you may want to consider suicide 91 KB JPG
: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)21:00:33 No.64937650 >there are people reading this right now with flaccid cocks smaller than a roided woman's clitoris you may want to consider suicide 91 KB JPG

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Black mirror | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)06:09:40 No.64927620 >The Mirror of Erised was a magical mirror, which, according to Albus Dumbledore, shows the "deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts." >Indeed, it became grimly apparent over the years that the mirror could bring more harm than good; many wasted their lives before the mirror, losing track of reality as they were deluded by what they saw and unable or unwilling to 29 KB JPG accept it as mere fantasy. When did you realize your pc is the mirror of erised? It gives you friends, adventure (in form of games), sexual release (p---) etc.. And you waste years of your life looking into it. : Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)06:20:48 No.64927690 >>64927620 (OP) # Wasting assumes I could do anything better. I can't.
: Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)06:09:40 No.64927620 >The Mirror of Erised was a magical mirror, which, according to Albus Dumbledore, shows the "deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts." >Indeed, it became grimly apparent over the years that the mirror could bring more harm than good; many wasted their lives before the mirror, losing track of reality as they were deluded by what they saw and unable or unwilling to 29 KB JPG accept it as mere fantasy. When did you realize your pc is the mirror of erised? It gives you friends, adventure (in form of games), sexual release (p---) etc.. And you waste years of your life looking into it. : Anonymous 08/11/21(Wed)06:20:48 No.64927690 >>64927620 (OP) # Wasting assumes I could do anything better. I can't.

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