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Anon is a schizo | /r/Greentext

File: ikyiuoka7d421 jpg (42 KB, 646x595) O Anonymous 05/10/21(Mon)05:49:22 No.150720588 >watching a TV show >all of a sudden a character stops and looks directly into the camera >recites my full name, date of birth, address, social security number, and the outfit I'm currently wearing >show resumes like nothing happened Uh.. bros??
File: ikyiuoka7d421 jpg (42 KB, 646x595) O Anonymous 05/10/21(Mon)05:49:22 No.150720588 >watching a TV show >all of a sudden a character stops and looks directly into the camera >recites my full name, date of birth, address, social security number, and the outfit I'm currently wearing >show resumes like nothing happened Uh.. bros??

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Anon's Dad may be Based | /r/Greentext

Ilowill 2anol 12STRAM /fit/ zoomer 06/05/21(Sat)12:54:46 No.61899675 [Reply] why is my dad like this? >me and dad at the gym >we do some boxing with the gloves and pad >im holding the pad for him to hit with >he says "i like to think it's Obama. wicked devil!" >starts punching the pad harder based??
Ilowill 2anol 12STRAM /fit/ zoomer 06/05/21(Sat)12:54:46 No.61899675 [Reply] why is my dad like this? >me and dad at the gym >we do some boxing with the gloves and pad >im holding the pad for him to hit with >he says "i like to think it's Obama. wicked devil!" >starts punching the pad harder based??

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Anon picks an umbrella | /r/Greentext

>Be me >16 year old socially inept loser >Have a hippy father who's become very conservative over the years >Weather forecast calls for a big thunderstorm tomorrow 943 KB GIF >Dad walks into my room with two nice golf umbrellas >The first one is a simple black and tan; second one is a pride/rainbow flag >Oh god.... Dad thinks I'm gay >"Which one do you want anon?" >NotEvenClose.jpg >I take the black and tan and tell him to keep the pride one >Dad breaks down crying >He must be relieved I didn't pick the gay one >Dad tells me he's ashamed of himself >Tells me he's gay and has been living a lie >Be a few years later >l'm happily married >My parents eventually divorced >Dad remarried and is now living with his new husband >I head over for a visit >It's raining like crazy >I see his husband running to the door >He's holding dad's rainbow umbrella >l stay for a while; my dad seems happier now >Get up to leave >Dad sees the rainbow umbrella by the front door >"You know, anon, if you had picked the rainbow umbrella, none of this would have happened" MFW I only picked the black and tan one because it had a wrist strap
>Be me >16 year old socially inept loser >Have a hippy father who's become very conservative over the years >Weather forecast calls for a big thunderstorm tomorrow 943 KB GIF >Dad walks into my room with two nice golf umbrellas >The first one is a simple black and tan; second one is a pride/rainbow flag >Oh god.... Dad thinks I'm gay >"Which one do you want anon?" >NotEvenClose.jpg >I take the black and tan and tell him to keep the pride one >Dad breaks down crying >He must be relieved I didn't pick the gay one >Dad tells me he's ashamed of himself >Tells me he's gay and has been living a lie >Be a few years later >l'm happily married >My parents eventually divorced >Dad remarried and is now living with his new husband >I head over for a visit >It's raining like crazy >I see his husband running to the door >He's holding dad's rainbow umbrella >l stay for a while; my dad seems happier now >Get up to leave >Dad sees the rainbow umbrella by the front door >"You know, anon, if you had picked the rainbow umbrella, none of this would have happened" MFW I only picked the black and tan one because it had a wrist strap

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anon learns something | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/02/21(Wed)15:17:32 No.855895145 сб5.jpg 64 KB JPG >a woman is finally into me >she's a trad girl >we talk and hang out a bit, not really a date >discover trad girls are boring af What's so good about having a trad wife? All they do is sit around and leech, hoping to do the whole child thing and never challenging you or contributing anything to your own development. I don't get the hype. : Anonymous 06/02/21(Wed)15:20:56 No.855895281 You've just figured out a bunch of lonely, incel, virgin, coomer, internet addicted, larping autists have bad taste in women? Who'd have thought?
: Anonymous 06/02/21(Wed)15:17:32 No.855895145 сб5.jpg 64 KB JPG >a woman is finally into me >she's a trad girl >we talk and hang out a bit, not really a date >discover trad girls are boring af What's so good about having a trad wife? All they do is sit around and leech, hoping to do the whole child thing and never challenging you or contributing anything to your own development. I don't get the hype. : Anonymous 06/02/21(Wed)15:20:56 No.855895281 You've just figured out a bunch of lonely, incel, virgin, coomer, internet addicted, larping autists have bad taste in women? Who'd have thought?

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Anon got bullied | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/12/21(Sat)11:00:12 No.64110848 >get an invite for high school reunion through facebook >I was bullied non stop in high school so I decline of course and leave the group >they add me again and ask me why did I leave 24 KB JPG >I tell them because I didnt forget about a single day when they tormented my life >they tell me I am dumb if I am still angry about that Why are normies like this? I would like to go there and punch them so much : Anonymous 06/12/21(Sat)11:02:20 No.64110860 >>64110848 (OP) # Just ignore it. The whole fact they got mad over you being still angry about it is just them coping with the fact that they did a horrendous deed.
: Anonymous 06/12/21(Sat)11:00:12 No.64110848 >get an invite for high school reunion through facebook >I was bullied non stop in high school so I decline of course and leave the group >they add me again and ask me why did I leave 24 KB JPG >I tell them because I didnt forget about a single day when they tormented my life >they tell me I am dumb if I am still angry about that Why are normies like this? I would like to go there and punch them so much : Anonymous 06/12/21(Sat)11:02:20 No.64110860 >>64110848 (OP) # Just ignore it. The whole fact they got mad over you being still angry about it is just them coping with the fact that they did a horrendous deed.

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Anon becomes Xerox Guy | /r/Greentext

ITT: Work Success stories >get angry call from woman >says he copier has been broken for days CAT >l've been ignoring her emails all week because minecraft on switch 39 KB JPG >s---.png >tell her I called it in to xerox >f------ didn't >sneak over to her office >the plan was to impersonate the Xerox guy I told her I called because she only knows my voice not my face >as I'm walking in, some one else from her office catches me >"hey xerox guy!" >l don't lie I just say "I'm here to fix the copier" >think the things f----- and that I really will have to call it in and l'm gonna get chewed out for waiting so long >l walk behind the machine and plug it in >office becomes visibly excited >get call from lady apologizing for being harsh and blames Xerox for being late All according to plan.
ITT: Work Success stories >get angry call from woman >says he copier has been broken for days CAT >l've been ignoring her emails all week because minecraft on switch 39 KB JPG >s---.png >tell her I called it in to xerox >f------ didn't >sneak over to her office >the plan was to impersonate the Xerox guy I told her I called because she only knows my voice not my face >as I'm walking in, some one else from her office catches me >"hey xerox guy!" >l don't lie I just say "I'm here to fix the copier" >think the things f----- and that I really will have to call it in and l'm gonna get chewed out for waiting so long >l walk behind the machine and plug it in >office becomes visibly excited >get call from lady apologizing for being harsh and blames Xerox for being late All according to plan.

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Anon makes an ai | /r/Greentext

1m (6/12 19:11) · 856652895 O Re · 0 Img · PNG 1MB (960 × 960) Keanse.fixetEleenty ementsByClassName-function|) rt();(function(m,ia){*object*wstypeot (a,d,a)l==c});if(b.nodeType)return dagrwwte on (a){return" function"===d.type(0)),istray/ eturn void 0===b||ca.call(a,b)),type:functiom {if(e=b.apply(a[d],c),ll==e)break)Jelse Mộ ,b){for(var c=+b.length,e-,da.lengtho ,2),e=function(){return a.apply(bl|cA ((f=b.getElementById(h))&&f.parentkode (HV. "] ";for(h=i.length;h--;)i[h]-fora(i[»])a D{for(var c=a.split("|"),e-a.length;e-hn on(c,e){for(var d,f-a([],c.length, ),h,mp nodeType||d){v=b[p]l|(b[p]-(})};if(mfe r(var s=j.nodeType?[j]:j,0-[],e-ps.Imgv e[" "];for(var h=f?1:0,i-Xa(function(a){retur }return Ya(n)}, da,q,0,va,, la,t,M,mhmi 17", cb=":((?:\1II-/// 00-\xa0])+)/,CASS:/"1-{{?| >be me >be a genius >start working on creating a sentient Al >spend 20 years working on it >finally succeed >give Al access to the internet >Al finds 4chan >Al commits genocide
1m (6/12 19:11) · 856652895 O Re · 0 Img · PNG 1MB (960 × 960) Keanse.fixetEleenty ementsByClassName-function|) rt();(function(m,ia){*object*wstypeot (a,d,a)l==c});if(b.nodeType)return dagrwwte on (a){return" function"===d.type(0)),istray/ eturn void 0===b||ca.call(a,b)),type:functiom {if(e=b.apply(a[d],c),ll==e)break)Jelse Mộ ,b){for(var c=+b.length,e-,da.lengtho ,2),e=function(){return a.apply(bl|cA ((f=b.getElementById(h))&&f.parentkode (HV. "] ";for(h=i.length;h--;)i[h]-fora(i[»])a D{for(var c=a.split("|"),e-a.length;e-hn on(c,e){for(var d,f-a([],c.length, ),h,mp nodeType||d){v=b[p]l|(b[p]-(})};if(mfe r(var s=j.nodeType?[j]:j,0-[],e-ps.Imgv e[" "];for(var h=f?1:0,i-Xa(function(a){retur }return Ya(n)}, da,q,0,va,, la,t,M,mhmi 17", cb=":((?:\1II-/// 00-\xa0])+)/,CASS:/"1-{{?| >be me >be a genius >start working on creating a sentient Al >spend 20 years working on it >finally succeed >give Al access to the internet >Al finds 4chan >Al commits genocide

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Anon is a wizard | /r/Greentext

O Anonymous 06/12/21(Sat)00:38:04 No.856645598 I learnt a new magic trick >think I'm lactose intolerant >drink half a litre of milk >s--- pants exactly 15 minutes later I have done this 3 times and the spell always works
O Anonymous 06/12/21(Sat)00:38:04 No.856645598 I learnt a new magic trick >think I'm lactose intolerant >drink half a litre of milk >s--- pants exactly 15 minutes later I have done this 3 times and the spell always works

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Anon is overweight | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)14:48:39 No.19765989 >be me >270 pounds >too lazy to lose weight >find out that people make fun of us fatties >turns out this is "fat shaming" >parents bring it up when we go to get 20 KB JPG tendies >run away crying talking about how they're fat shaming me >take a couple hours to fit into my car >drive home >log into Reddit >write a long post about how hard it is to be harassed when you're fat >all the comments agree with me >3k upvotes with 200 awards >on the front page >after a long day of work, I sit down and watch TLC >commercial comes on telling me all body shapes are valid >c-- my pants 12 times and cry >fall asleep with tear stains from how hard my life is
: Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)14:48:39 No.19765989 >be me >270 pounds >too lazy to lose weight >find out that people make fun of us fatties >turns out this is "fat shaming" >parents bring it up when we go to get 20 KB JPG tendies >run away crying talking about how they're fat shaming me >take a couple hours to fit into my car >drive home >log into Reddit >write a long post about how hard it is to be harassed when you're fat >all the comments agree with me >3k upvotes with 200 awards >on the front page >after a long day of work, I sit down and watch TLC >commercial comes on telling me all body shapes are valid >c-- my pants 12 times and cry >fall asleep with tear stains from how hard my life is

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Anon just wanted breakfast | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/02/21(Tue)19:48:24 No.15514415 "Can I have the fruit pancakes please?" >"The what? There's nothing on the menu called "fruit pancakes". "Th-the fresh fruit pancakes." >"Huh." "Th-this one..." [points to menu] >"Say it." 39 KB JPG "What?" >"Say. It." "I'd like a... r-..rooty t-tooty..." >"Say it like you mean it." [starting to cry] "I-| want a r-r-rooty t-tooty f-f-.f- fresh n... n fruity..." %3D Why do dining establishments like to humiliate their customers like this?
: Anonymous 02/02/21(Tue)19:48:24 No.15514415 "Can I have the fruit pancakes please?" >"The what? There's nothing on the menu called "fruit pancakes". "Th-the fresh fruit pancakes." >"Huh." "Th-this one..." [points to menu] >"Say it." 39 KB JPG "What?" >"Say. It." "I'd like a... r-..rooty t-tooty..." >"Say it like you mean it." [starting to cry] "I-| want a r-r-rooty t-tooty f-f-.f- fresh n... n fruity..." %3D Why do dining establishments like to humiliate their customers like this?

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Anon has the tism | /r/Greentext


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Pretty Bri'ish innit bruv? | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/09/21(Wed)22:36:55 No.856448269 Why do British houses look like this? 311 KB JPG : Anonymous 06/09/21(Wed)22:59:07 No.856449422 >>856448269 (OP) # >> A roof made out of old, dried tea leaves. >> Walls coloured like their teeth. >> Two chimneys to for different tea time, tippin' their hat to when the common wealth counted all the time zones. >> Windows tactically placed in case the huns come back. >> Television set functions as war radio to signal central command. >> Always an attic if Special Air Services need shelter. Seems like a proper house to me, Anon.
: Anonymous 06/09/21(Wed)22:36:55 No.856448269 Why do British houses look like this? 311 KB JPG : Anonymous 06/09/21(Wed)22:59:07 No.856449422 >>856448269 (OP) # >> A roof made out of old, dried tea leaves. >> Walls coloured like their teeth. >> Two chimneys to for different tea time, tippin' their hat to when the common wealth counted all the time zones. >> Windows tactically placed in case the huns come back. >> Television set functions as war radio to signal central command. >> Always an attic if Special Air Services need shelter. Seems like a proper house to me, Anon.

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Anon is Sir Isaac Newton | /r/Greentext


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Anon might've actually done it | /r/Greentext


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Anon suggests a scenario | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 55 minutes ago iQuit.webm (2 MB, 1080x608) 856603053 Scenario: You have 1 month to live. What do you do? >30k in bank >no job >no girlfriend / family >apartment Time starts today. 10 REPLIES
Anonymous 55 minutes ago iQuit.webm (2 MB, 1080x608) 856603053 Scenario: You have 1 month to live. What do you do? >30k in bank >no job >no girlfriend / family >apartment Time starts today. 10 REPLIES

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Anon fucks up | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)21:36:03 No.856628396 >Know girl since middle school >never really dated anyone but l've found her attractive even after we graduate >always wanted to ask her out but know we'd never make it >get high one day >"f--- it I should call her" 25 KB JPG >tell her I want to go out with her so badly and confess about how I got boners when she would hug me >calls me a weirdo and tells me she's lesbian >call her again a couple days later >call doesn't go through >she f------ blocked me I f------ give up
: Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)21:36:03 No.856628396 >Know girl since middle school >never really dated anyone but l've found her attractive even after we graduate >always wanted to ask her out but know we'd never make it >get high one day >"f--- it I should call her" 25 KB JPG >tell her I want to go out with her so badly and confess about how I got boners when she would hug me >calls me a weirdo and tells me she's lesbian >call her again a couple days later >call doesn't go through >she f------ blocked me I f------ give up

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Baconpilled | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/18/21(Sun)00:33:22 No.63265253 > be ceo of bacon megacorporation > want to improve profits > sell "thin-sliced" bacon as cheap alternative to normal bacon > do this for years > start marketing the thin-sliced 50 KB PNG bacon as normal > regular bacon is "thick-cut" > do this for years > other bacon megacorps adopt your strategy > general public accepts thin-sliced bacon as new normal > raise prices > thin-sliced bacon is the price of old normal bacon > old normal bacon is now thick-cut bacon at higher price > profit
: Anonymous 04/18/21(Sun)00:33:22 No.63265253 > be ceo of bacon megacorporation > want to improve profits > sell "thin-sliced" bacon as cheap alternative to normal bacon > do this for years > start marketing the thin-sliced 50 KB PNG bacon as normal > regular bacon is "thick-cut" > do this for years > other bacon megacorps adopt your strategy > general public accepts thin-sliced bacon as new normal > raise prices > thin-sliced bacon is the price of old normal bacon > old normal bacon is now thick-cut bacon at higher price > profit

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Anons new laptop | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/02/18(Thu)08:15:28 No.776023984 >be me >had the same computer for 4 yrs now, finally starting to give out >decided to finally get a new one, mine was on its last legs 301 KB JPG >go to normie electronics store, bestbuy and not frys because poorishfag >see touch screen laptop >this will make captchas so f------ easy.jpg >buy said laptop >go home, happily touchscreen my captchas >mfw my main motivator to buy a new computer was 4chan captchas : Anonymous 08/02/18(Thu)08:16:42 No.776024073 >>776023984 (OP) # Your d------ Pepe isn't even touching the screen
: Anonymous 08/02/18(Thu)08:15:28 No.776023984 >be me >had the same computer for 4 yrs now, finally starting to give out >decided to finally get a new one, mine was on its last legs 301 KB JPG >go to normie electronics store, bestbuy and not frys because poorishfag >see touch screen laptop >this will make captchas so f------ easy.jpg >buy said laptop >go home, happily touchscreen my captchas >mfw my main motivator to buy a new computer was 4chan captchas : Anonymous 08/02/18(Thu)08:16:42 No.776024073 >>776023984 (OP) # Your d------ Pepe isn't even touching the screen

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Anon got fired from CNN | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)06:40:05 No.856578828 >be me >jeffrey toobin >cnn's chief legal analyst >last year cnn fired me because i got caught beating my meat on a zoom call >i thought my camera was off >now, they have graciously allowed me back onto their network 53 KB JPG >"good evening, america. i'm anderson cooper. please join me in welcoming cnn's chief masturbator, jeffrey toobin." >"haha, very funny, anderson. actually i'm cnn's chief legal analyst." >"don't f------ laugh, jeffrey, there is nothing f------ funny about what you just laughed at. let me be very f------ clear. i will post some anime. and you, as cnn's chief masturbator, will masturbate to it. and if you can't c--, you are DONE. you are f------ DONE. you will never work in this town again." >anderson uploads pic related >i start beating my meat >anderson blows the whistle >"TIME'S UP, F-----! YOU LOSE!" >i lost, but i will never forget all the happy memories i had working with cnn
Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)06:40:05 No.856578828 >be me >jeffrey toobin >cnn's chief legal analyst >last year cnn fired me because i got caught beating my meat on a zoom call >i thought my camera was off >now, they have graciously allowed me back onto their network 53 KB JPG >"good evening, america. i'm anderson cooper. please join me in welcoming cnn's chief masturbator, jeffrey toobin." >"haha, very funny, anderson. actually i'm cnn's chief legal analyst." >"don't f------ laugh, jeffrey, there is nothing f------ funny about what you just laughed at. let me be very f------ clear. i will post some anime. and you, as cnn's chief masturbator, will masturbate to it. and if you can't c--, you are DONE. you are f------ DONE. you will never work in this town again." >anderson uploads pic related >i start beating my meat >anderson blows the whistle >"TIME'S UP, F-----! YOU LOSE!" >i lost, but i will never forget all the happy memories i had working with cnn

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Anon doesn't like trees | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)13:21:47 No.856598492 >drops s----- branches that will f--- up your mower if you don't break your back picking them up >provides home for birds and gay tree mice >can't f------ climb them because they're too wide and the branches are too tall >release so much pollen that they turn 116 KB JPG your house green with their mountain dew j--- >can't even enjoy fall because you're too busy cleaning up after them >acorns can and will shatter your windshield F--- oak trees I hate these goddamn w----- so much 2 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)13:24:40 No.856598657 >>856598492 (OP) # Get some help before it's too late bud >>856598817 # : Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)13:27:40 No.856598817 >>856598657 # >bud F--- YOUR PLANT PUNS YOU GODDAMN OAK P------------ II
: Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)13:21:47 No.856598492 >drops s----- branches that will f--- up your mower if you don't break your back picking them up >provides home for birds and gay tree mice >can't f------ climb them because they're too wide and the branches are too tall >release so much pollen that they turn 116 KB JPG your house green with their mountain dew j--- >can't even enjoy fall because you're too busy cleaning up after them >acorns can and will shatter your windshield F--- oak trees I hate these goddamn w----- so much 2 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)13:24:40 No.856598657 >>856598492 (OP) # Get some help before it's too late bud >>856598817 # : Anonymous 06/11/21(Fri)13:27:40 No.856598817 >>856598657 # >bud F--- YOUR PLANT PUNS YOU GODDAMN OAK P------------ II

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