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Anon forms a special connection | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)09:15:59 No.63095136 >watch p--- >guy says he is c------ >immediately c-- too 18 KB PNG
: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)09:15:59 No.63095136 >watch p--- >guy says he is c------ >immediately c-- too 18 KB PNG

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Anon discovers ASMR | /r/Greentext

I think i might be into asmr now Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)04:36:38 No.63095818 [Reply] >Playing vidya with girl >Her baby brother needs to sleep >She starts whispering into the mic >Instant boner, Rock solid >l always thought asmr was stupid as f---, but I discovered that girls whispering is hot as f---
I think i might be into asmr now Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)04:36:38 No.63095818 [Reply] >Playing vidya with girl >Her baby brother needs to sleep >She starts whispering into the mic >Instant boner, Rock solid >l always thought asmr was stupid as f---, but I discovered that girls whispering is hot as f---

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Anon is a pirate, so was OP and so am I | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/14/20(Thu)15:56:14 No.507945510 >pirate game >company loses $60 >delete game >company receives back $60 >pirate game 1 million times >company loses $60M and declares bankrupcy >buy company for a few dollars 36 KB JPG and become CEO >delete all the pirated copies >$60M deposited in my account >suddenly CEO of my own game company with millions to make my dream game
: Anonymous 05/14/20(Thu)15:56:14 No.507945510 >pirate game >company loses $60 >delete game >company receives back $60 >pirate game 1 million times >company loses $60M and declares bankrupcy >buy company for a few dollars 36 KB JPG and become CEO >delete all the pirated copies >$60M deposited in my account >suddenly CEO of my own game company with millions to make my dream game

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Anon visits 4chan | /r/Greentext


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Anon gets cucked by a pair of glasses | /r/Greentext

File: ugly_peepo.jpg (69 KB, 638x626) Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)03:27:30 No.851502300 ► Using 4chan for the first time despite making fun of others for using it but In eed to tell somebody so f--- it I'm here >Be me 18 working for the first time >never had a gf >Girl at work starts flirting with me >Time passes >One day she comes to work with her glasses on for the first time >She looks at me and freezes for a sec >Almost immediately loses interest and eventually stops replying to me text >WHAT HAPPENED???? I DONT WEAR GLASSES SO I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE SAW >I DONT WEAR GLASSES SO I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE SAW Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)03:29:37 No.851502381 she saw yoOu, anon. welcome to the club. youve passed initiation.
File: ugly_peepo.jpg (69 KB, 638x626) Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)03:27:30 No.851502300 ► Using 4chan for the first time despite making fun of others for using it but In eed to tell somebody so f--- it I'm here >Be me 18 working for the first time >never had a gf >Girl at work starts flirting with me >Time passes >One day she comes to work with her glasses on for the first time >She looks at me and freezes for a sec >Almost immediately loses interest and eventually stops replying to me text >WHAT HAPPENED???? I DONT WEAR GLASSES SO I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE SAW >I DONT WEAR GLASSES SO I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE SAW Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)03:29:37 No.851502381 she saw yoOu, anon. welcome to the club. youve passed initiation.

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An interesting title | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous bullying is bad, kids 04/06/21(Tue)14:56:22 No.63088633 >be me >3rd grade >about to be dismissed from school >while walking down the stairs girl trips me >fuckthathurt.wav >get up >cant even fight back because retarded "boys 59 KB PNG cant fight girls" rule >go home >tell parents >they laugh at me >mfw : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)15:07:29 No.63088783 >>63088633 (OP) # obivously should have followed her off the bus and r---- her. really simple stuff here.
: Anonymous bullying is bad, kids 04/06/21(Tue)14:56:22 No.63088633 >be me >3rd grade >about to be dismissed from school >while walking down the stairs girl trips me >fuckthathurt.wav >get up >cant even fight back because retarded "boys 59 KB PNG cant fight girls" rule >go home >tell parents >they laugh at me >mfw : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)15:07:29 No.63088783 >>63088633 (OP) # obivously should have followed her off the bus and r---- her. really simple stuff here.

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Anon is cancelled | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)00:56:28 No.63093815 >be me, onions blogger >write about BLM stuff >headline is "African-American woman assaulted by white male" >problem is that I made a funny and made sure autocorrect would change "African-American" to ngr every time 78 KB JPG >hit publish without double-checking Bros it's been 3 minutes and I've received 24 comments, a story on CNN and my name being blacklisted on any writing board help
: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)00:56:28 No.63093815 >be me, onions blogger >write about BLM stuff >headline is "African-American woman assaulted by white male" >problem is that I made a funny and made sure autocorrect would change "African-American" to ngr every time 78 KB JPG >hit publish without double-checking Bros it's been 3 minutes and I've received 24 comments, a story on CNN and my name being blacklisted on any writing board help

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Anon wants to migrate | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:09:03 No.63082154 how the f--- do people just move to other countries? do they do it for jobs or what? ive been reading stories on reddit and s--- and people just move to other countries. i could never in my life figure out how to leave my s--- 6 KB JPG hole 3 Replies / 1 Image View Thread : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:10:17 No.63082166 >>63082154 (OP) # Crawl your way up the border deepshit : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:12:28 No.63082187 >save some money >get on google to figure out how to emigrate (legally or illegally) >line up a couple of months of expenses and a place to stay >gtfo >get to the place >look for literally any job so that you don't go homeless >once you get that first job, start trying to get a long term gig
: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:09:03 No.63082154 how the f--- do people just move to other countries? do they do it for jobs or what? ive been reading stories on reddit and s--- and people just move to other countries. i could never in my life figure out how to leave my s--- 6 KB JPG hole 3 Replies / 1 Image View Thread : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:10:17 No.63082166 >>63082154 (OP) # Crawl your way up the border deepshit : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:12:28 No.63082187 >save some money >get on google to figure out how to emigrate (legally or illegally) >line up a couple of months of expenses and a place to stay >gtfo >get to the place >look for literally any job so that you don't go homeless >once you get that first job, start trying to get a long term gig

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Anon woke up | /r/Greentext

>be me >wake up in the middle of the night >go the the bathroom to take a dump >piss then strain for the load >not enough fiber in diet so its gonna be a big one >1load1life.wav >clench the side of the toilet as I feel it 158 KB PNG coming >launch it out at mach 2 >feel relief for 0.4 seconds >feel cold toilet water hit my a------ >dump so wide my ass didn't have time to full close >mfw I have my own piss up my a------ That is chaos
>be me >wake up in the middle of the night >go the the bathroom to take a dump >piss then strain for the load >not enough fiber in diet so its gonna be a big one >1load1life.wav >clench the side of the toilet as I feel it 158 KB PNG coming >launch it out at mach 2 >feel relief for 0.4 seconds >feel cold toilet water hit my a------ >dump so wide my ass didn't have time to full close >mfw I have my own piss up my a------ That is chaos

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Gentleman's, I would like to remind you one of the best greentexts. | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 745707443 3 hr ago •.. >be me >be 14 >recently started highschool >make enemies as easily as I make friends >some m----- child takes a particular disliking to me >turns out he's a Jew 262.0 kB PNG >muh germanic heritage >anyways.txt >never owned an umbrella before >have always used father's or brother's >rains torrentially after school, drenching me >take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there >still own the umbrella to this day >half a dollar and isn't too shabby >has some fake wood handle which looks nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones >it deploys by powerful internal spring operation >sidetracked_again.autism >buy it >turn up to school the next day >short Juden is acting like he owns the place >l happen to be within range >pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb >he is amused >be not amused >later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it >sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some anon in the face >the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat >silence as people try to figure out what just happened >w--.umbrella >anon and I become friends >he is half Japanese >go to changing room and the Juden is noisily s--- talking >other Jew tells him to stfu >Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes >axis powers intensify >jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel >L_have_the_high_ground.f-- >makes the mistake of saying lost the war >Deutschland, Deutschland über alles >point umbrella at his face and press the release button >the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall >the umbrella is now infamous >no further confrontation with Juden for a long time >fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently >it is destroyed >there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise >return home >assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge >rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue >rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only >rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred >tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly >next day >umbrella meme intensifies >umbrella is found by many students to be amusing >umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head >umbrella is destroyed in the process >news of its second demise circulates >kid who got hit complains to the powers that be >foreshadow-tron fires up in the background >school assembly next day >umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated >George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row >l obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database >fast forward four days >an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things >obviously has been trodden on >quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided >perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental >turn up next day with umbrella >no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works >umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it >almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power >fast forward two days >umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack >four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella >news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it >the operation was a failure >one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain >next day >anon student kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously >he is rewarded for his diligence and honesty in slushie format >umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it >umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid >two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella >decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise >fast forward four months >a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming >the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close >winteriscoming.cringe >prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays >cult grows over the two week break >copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to be truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella >"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me" >one week into the semester >my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful >tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the s--- out of me >they impolitely decline >tries to get his older brother to beat the s--- out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teachers >he impolitely accepts >people notice the scenario and begin watching >he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen >swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck >everyone is now watching intently >two female teachers are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog >one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings >swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which had slowly become lighter and more agile >he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella >laugh_track.wav >about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defence >have idea >pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that it was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon >charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued >Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment >umbrella is now a mainstream meme in school and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions >teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it >half Japanese friend now uses the umbrella for shading himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it >teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety >fast forward four weeks >waiting for bus >a challenger appears >Juden-child deftly relieves me of the umbrella >audible titanic theme >a bus is pulling away from the stop, some of the students on it seeing the traumatic event unfolding while the crowd at the stop looks on in shock >Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch >he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand >there is great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures >Juden-child has triumphed >feels bad man >crowd parts to allow clear access >the damage is catastrophic >it has become two dimensional >metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere >gather as much of its remains as possible >umbrella permit has definitely expired now >get home >1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight >next day >enter the school gates solemn >umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst >in school assembly >umbrellas are now banned due to a health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat >George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screeching in newspeak >must choose the perfect time >students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state with me leading the parade >quickly whip out the umbrella which I have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours >raise it up above my head for all to see >there is a collective scree from several hundred teenagers >many are in disbelief >it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses >there was still hope >fearing confiscation, the umbrella is not seen again for some time >parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child >said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing" >get contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one >agree >umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth >decide to form a secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy >despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details >of_course.pdf >dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school >heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal >some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside >tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella >lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR >dean becomes the human manifestation of anger >error 404 >culprit not found >peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to the newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time >the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody knows where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance >it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion >fast forward one year >KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella >umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price >the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella >umbrella is black >umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent" >the teachers are kept highly confused due to our underground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare >questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying I don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen >questioned on the secret umbrella society >imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony >fast forward a few weeks >umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts >umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers >umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty >there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed >KGB makes life difficult for them >some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends >they move schools >lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin >KGB anon chick is on office notice runner duty >KGB anon chick waits for planned diversion >dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives >umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin >KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning >small offcuts of the fabric canopy which were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches >umbrella is returned to me to be repaired >fast forward two days >news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly >umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break >his_face_when.wat >last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear >umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time >it is in my possession on the eleventh of August >it would be the darkest day in the history of the school >8/11 >light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school >think nothing of it >get off the bus >hail begins >little marbles hitting my head so I pull out the umbrella >this is the first known time it has been used to shield someone from the weather in months >still works >feels good man >tragedy strikes >marbles begin to increase in size >hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella >wrist hurts like f--- >some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket >feels disgruntled man >then it hits me like the hailstone should have >that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life >damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella >when the only thing that could possibly kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very thing it's designed to be able to handle >the weather >irony.w-- >reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness >confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death >teachers all smug >dean is smug >the society is in ruins >someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real s--- job of fixing it >it's not the same and nobody follows >school morale is at an all time low >wailing and gnashing of teeth >eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella >former society members and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions >fast forward a lot to my last couple of weeks of high school >find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed >get chills >maniacal_grin.kek >fast forward one week >last week of high school >the secret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated >worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year >last day >worth it >walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head >it's stitched together and comprised of approximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works >and it was back >loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s >everyone hears and turns around >looks of disbelief >lolwut.ayylmao >the look on Juden-manlet's face >the look on the dean's face >the look on my face >the final triumph >the umbrella is given a name on that last day >it is the genuine umbrella >it is an anorexic umbrella >it is almost a sun umbrella >it is the real slim shady >guess who's back >back again >shady's back >tell a friend >...
Anonymous | 745707443 3 hr ago •.. >be me >be 14 >recently started highschool >make enemies as easily as I make friends >some m----- child takes a particular disliking to me >turns out he's a Jew 262.0 kB PNG >muh germanic heritage >anyways.txt >never owned an umbrella before >have always used father's or brother's >rains torrentially after school, drenching me >take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there >still own the umbrella to this day >half a dollar and isn't too shabby >has some fake wood handle which looks nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones >it deploys by powerful internal spring operation >sidetracked_again.autism >buy it >turn up to school the next day >short Juden is acting like he owns the place >l happen to be within range >pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb >he is amused >be not amused >later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it >sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some anon in the face >the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat >silence as people try to figure out what just happened >w--.umbrella >anon and I become friends >he is half Japanese >go to changing room and the Juden is noisily s--- talking >other Jew tells him to stfu >Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes >axis powers intensify >jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel >L_have_the_high_ground.f-- >makes the mistake of saying lost the war >Deutschland, Deutschland über alles >point umbrella at his face and press the release button >the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall >the umbrella is now infamous >no further confrontation with Juden for a long time >fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently >it is destroyed >there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise >return home >assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge >rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue >rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only >rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred >tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly >next day >umbrella meme intensifies >umbrella is found by many students to be amusing >umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head >umbrella is destroyed in the process >news of its second demise circulates >kid who got hit complains to the powers that be >foreshadow-tron fires up in the background >school assembly next day >umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated >George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row >l obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database >fast forward four days >an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things >obviously has been trodden on >quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided >perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental >turn up next day with umbrella >no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works >umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it >almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power >fast forward two days >umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack >four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella >news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it >the operation was a failure >one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain >next day >anon student kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously >he is rewarded for his diligence and honesty in slushie format >umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it >umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid >two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella >decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise >fast forward four months >a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming >the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close >winteriscoming.cringe >prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays >cult grows over the two week break >copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to be truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella >"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me" >one week into the semester >my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful >tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the s--- out of me >they impolitely decline >tries to get his older brother to beat the s--- out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teachers >he impolitely accepts >people notice the scenario and begin watching >he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen >swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck >everyone is now watching intently >two female teachers are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog >one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings >swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which had slowly become lighter and more agile >he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella >laugh_track.wav >about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defence >have idea >pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that it was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon >charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued >Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment >umbrella is now a mainstream meme in school and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions >teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it >half Japanese friend now uses the umbrella for shading himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it >teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety >fast forward four weeks >waiting for bus >a challenger appears >Juden-child deftly relieves me of the umbrella >audible titanic theme >a bus is pulling away from the stop, some of the students on it seeing the traumatic event unfolding while the crowd at the stop looks on in shock >Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch >he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand >there is great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures >Juden-child has triumphed >feels bad man >crowd parts to allow clear access >the damage is catastrophic >it has become two dimensional >metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere >gather as much of its remains as possible >umbrella permit has definitely expired now >get home >1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight >next day >enter the school gates solemn >umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst >in school assembly >umbrellas are now banned due to a health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat >George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screeching in newspeak >must choose the perfect time >students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state with me leading the parade >quickly whip out the umbrella which I have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours >raise it up above my head for all to see >there is a collective scree from several hundred teenagers >many are in disbelief >it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses >there was still hope >fearing confiscation, the umbrella is not seen again for some time >parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child >said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing" >get contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one >agree >umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth >decide to form a secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy >despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details >of_course.pdf >dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school >heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal >some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside >tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella >lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR >dean becomes the human manifestation of anger >error 404 >culprit not found >peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to the newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time >the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody knows where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance >it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion >fast forward one year >KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella >umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price >the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella >umbrella is black >umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent" >the teachers are kept highly confused due to our underground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare >questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying I don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen >questioned on the secret umbrella society >imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony >fast forward a few weeks >umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts >umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers >umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty >there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed >KGB makes life difficult for them >some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends >they move schools >lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin >KGB anon chick is on office notice runner duty >KGB anon chick waits for planned diversion >dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives >umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin >KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning >small offcuts of the fabric canopy which were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches >umbrella is returned to me to be repaired >fast forward two days >news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly >umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break >his_face_when.wat >last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear >umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time >it is in my possession on the eleventh of August >it would be the darkest day in the history of the school >8/11 >light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school >think nothing of it >get off the bus >hail begins >little marbles hitting my head so I pull out the umbrella >this is the first known time it has been used to shield someone from the weather in months >still works >feels good man >tragedy strikes >marbles begin to increase in size >hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella >wrist hurts like f--- >some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket >feels disgruntled man >then it hits me like the hailstone should have >that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life >damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella >when the only thing that could possibly kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very thing it's designed to be able to handle >the weather >irony.w-- >reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness >confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death >teachers all smug >dean is smug >the society is in ruins >someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real s--- job of fixing it >it's not the same and nobody follows >school morale is at an all time low >wailing and gnashing of teeth >eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella >former society members and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions >fast forward a lot to my last couple of weeks of high school >find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed >get chills >maniacal_grin.kek >fast forward one week >last week of high school >the secret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated >worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year >last day >worth it >walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head >it's stitched together and comprised of approximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works >and it was back >loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s >everyone hears and turns around >looks of disbelief >lolwut.ayylmao >the look on Juden-manlet's face >the look on the dean's face >the look on my face >the final triumph >the umbrella is given a name on that last day >it is the genuine umbrella >it is an anorexic umbrella >it is almost a sun umbrella >it is the real slim shady >guess who's back >back again >shady's back >tell a friend >...

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Anon closes the walls | /r/Greentext

No.62384065 15 hours ago >>62382958 I wish i could delete my entire childhood from my memory the amount of spreg s--- i did was unreal >be me >girl next to me off handle told me she is clostrophobic >idea.jpg >hold my hands up to form a wall >start yelling the walls are closing in the walls are closing in >she starts crying >get yelled at by teacher but still somehow think it was funny 3 replies
No.62384065 15 hours ago >>62382958 I wish i could delete my entire childhood from my memory the amount of spreg s--- i did was unreal >be me >girl next to me off handle told me she is clostrophobic >idea.jpg >hold my hands up to form a wall >start yelling the walls are closing in the walls are closing in >she starts crying >get yelled at by teacher but still somehow think it was funny 3 replies

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Anon decieves his parents | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)09:25:41 No.63095215 Hey Bros, I wanted to share a story, Sorry for s--- formating, I'm on mobile. > Be me > 17 43 KB JPG > sperg, depressed, only friends are the kids I played PlayStation with > One night overhear my mom talking to my dad > "I just don't get it, all Anon does is sit in their room all day everyday. I feel like I failed as a | mother" > feelsbadman > that friday ask if I can borrow the car to go hang out with some friends > they're both so shocked and excited they don't ask any questions > dad pulls me aside before I leave and gives me a baggy of blunts and a bottle of whiskey > "Don't tell your mother, if you decide to use these just call her and say you want to spend the night" > Okay lol > Go drive around for about 2 hours > call Mom > "Hey it was a bit of a long drive out here, I think I'll spend the night" > "Oh of course Anon! Hope you have fun" > Drive to the dead mall in the middle of nowhere > park in the back of the parking lot, get high, drink, look at the stars. > fall asleep in the back seat > Next day they ask me about it when I get home > make some stuff up about playing Xbox and watching Seinfeld > repeat every couple of weeks for the next year > moved away 3 years ago > barely talk to parents anymore > Constantly pretend like l'm busy with work or friends. > have a fake fiance > in reality it's just me and my cat in a dark, messy apartment >I go to work, come home, and drink everyday > don't even talk to the PlayStation kids anymore. Pic related, it's my cat.
: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)09:25:41 No.63095215 Hey Bros, I wanted to share a story, Sorry for s--- formating, I'm on mobile. > Be me > 17 43 KB JPG > sperg, depressed, only friends are the kids I played PlayStation with > One night overhear my mom talking to my dad > "I just don't get it, all Anon does is sit in their room all day everyday. I feel like I failed as a | mother" > feelsbadman > that friday ask if I can borrow the car to go hang out with some friends > they're both so shocked and excited they don't ask any questions > dad pulls me aside before I leave and gives me a baggy of blunts and a bottle of whiskey > "Don't tell your mother, if you decide to use these just call her and say you want to spend the night" > Okay lol > Go drive around for about 2 hours > call Mom > "Hey it was a bit of a long drive out here, I think I'll spend the night" > "Oh of course Anon! Hope you have fun" > Drive to the dead mall in the middle of nowhere > park in the back of the parking lot, get high, drink, look at the stars. > fall asleep in the back seat > Next day they ask me about it when I get home > make some stuff up about playing Xbox and watching Seinfeld > repeat every couple of weeks for the next year > moved away 3 years ago > barely talk to parents anymore > Constantly pretend like l'm busy with work or friends. > have a fake fiance > in reality it's just me and my cat in a dark, messy apartment >I go to work, come home, and drink everyday > don't even talk to the PlayStation kids anymore. Pic related, it's my cat.

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Anon gets vaccinated against the Coof | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/06/21 (Tue)15:18:45 No.851455113 > Be me > Decide to get vaccine > Drive on over to the vaccination center in my town > as soon as I get there I notice a mob across the street 4 KB JPG > it's a group of anti-vacc retards chanting "Vaccines cause autism" and "COVID vaccine is a microchip" > think they are just a group of paranoid dipshits > proceed to head inside > fill out paperwork and await my shot > wait in a room along with hundreds of other people > biggest crowd of people l've seen in a room since the quarantine > after around an hour I get the shot > get told to come back in two weeks for the next dose > leave building > crowd of dipshits are still chanting > get in car > Head home > about half way I start getting a little drowsy > tough it out until I get home > as soon as I get home I fall on my couch > pass the f--- out > when I wake up I notice a loading bar > "Downloading Autisim.exe" > F--- > Bar is at 98% > lay there in fear > 99% > start to cry > Error: Autism.exe already Running on system > MEW I've had autism this whole time
: Anonymous 04/06/21 (Tue)15:18:45 No.851455113 > Be me > Decide to get vaccine > Drive on over to the vaccination center in my town > as soon as I get there I notice a mob across the street 4 KB JPG > it's a group of anti-vacc retards chanting "Vaccines cause autism" and "COVID vaccine is a microchip" > think they are just a group of paranoid dipshits > proceed to head inside > fill out paperwork and await my shot > wait in a room along with hundreds of other people > biggest crowd of people l've seen in a room since the quarantine > after around an hour I get the shot > get told to come back in two weeks for the next dose > leave building > crowd of dipshits are still chanting > get in car > Head home > about half way I start getting a little drowsy > tough it out until I get home > as soon as I get home I fall on my couch > pass the f--- out > when I wake up I notice a loading bar > "Downloading Autisim.exe" > F--- > Bar is at 98% > lay there in fear > 99% > start to cry > Error: Autism.exe already Running on system > MEW I've had autism this whole time

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Anon lives a well balanced life | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)04:27:21 No.63092330 why do people here hate stoners so much? HalyOuts >stoner >i dont do anything degenerate >i dont coom >i dont eat like a fat ass 62 KB JPG >i never f----- a prostitute >i dont simp for girls online i usually just spend my time high and studying and making money off crypto
: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)04:27:21 No.63092330 why do people here hate stoners so much? HalyOuts >stoner >i dont do anything degenerate >i dont coom >i dont eat like a fat ass 62 KB JPG >i never f----- a prostitute >i dont simp for girls online i usually just spend my time high and studying and making money off crypto

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Anon adventures on reddit | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/18/20(Sat)12:25:09 No.818739837 >be me >bored af >create reddit acc just for mocking on f--- >tries to post something on any community >"you don't have enough karma to post" 155 KB PNG >post removed >tries to comment >"you don't have enough karma to comment" >google how do i get f------ karma? >"you get karma by posting and commenting" f--- reddit
: Anonymous 01/18/20(Sat)12:25:09 No.818739837 >be me >bored af >create reddit acc just for mocking on f--- >tries to post something on any community >"you don't have enough karma to post" 155 KB PNG >post removed >tries to comment >"you don't have enough karma to comment" >google how do i get f------ karma? >"you get karma by posting and commenting" f--- reddit

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Anon is a serial killer | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)21:22:20 No.63092282 >be me >serial killer >kills some random people >regrets everything but can't stop >starts killing pedos >still a horrible person but there's less of a murder hangover >destroys a few p--------- rings 54 KB PNG and human trafficking rings >easy because these networks are all connected >doesn't get caught >dies of natural causes >goes to hell for obvious reasons >it was never about lust or sex >still ends up in the lust circle because bloodlust >stuck in the same circle as the rest of those f------ >or are they stuck in here with me >its-time-to-get-funky.mp3 >instant ban So apparently I'm barred from the afterlife? But now I'm a f----- murder ghost Imao pic related
: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)21:22:20 No.63092282 >be me >serial killer >kills some random people >regrets everything but can't stop >starts killing pedos >still a horrible person but there's less of a murder hangover >destroys a few p--------- rings 54 KB PNG and human trafficking rings >easy because these networks are all connected >doesn't get caught >dies of natural causes >goes to hell for obvious reasons >it was never about lust or sex >still ends up in the lust circle because bloodlust >stuck in the same circle as the rest of those f------ >or are they stuck in here with me >its-time-to-get-funky.mp3 >instant ban So apparently I'm barred from the afterlife? But now I'm a f----- murder ghost Imao pic related

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Who's gonna tell Anon? | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 6034507 4 hr. ago ... >be me >inhale oxygen >exhale carbon dioxide >been doing this since i was born am i retarded? 242 9 k R DNG
Anonymous | 6034507 4 hr. ago ... >be me >inhale oxygen >exhale carbon dioxide >been doing this since i was born am i retarded? 242 9 k R DNG

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Anon is worried about his dad | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/06/21 (Tue)11:33:25 No.63080037 why the f--- wont my dad stop smoking cigarettes. everything about that industry is f------ awful to me 48 KB JPG >they pay the government to put sketchy s--- inside >everything is unhealthy and treated with chemicals from the papers to the filter to the tobacco >its all grown with super sketchy chemicals and s--- because they dont give a s--- about your health >its f------ taxed like CRAZY in my country f------ $15 а рack >its the nastiest smelling s--- in the world >at least weed gives you a buzz and is mostly healthy but this just smells like chemical cancer death >they put s--- in it to make it more addictive and dangerous >every single one destroys your health a little bit >my dad could be a f------ millionaire if he put all the money he did cigarettes into stocks over the years >just spends f--- loads of money on them >i smell them sometimes its so f------ gross the only thing i smoke is weed and i usually leave windows open because i just like fresh air
: Anonymous 04/06/21 (Tue)11:33:25 No.63080037 why the f--- wont my dad stop smoking cigarettes. everything about that industry is f------ awful to me 48 KB JPG >they pay the government to put sketchy s--- inside >everything is unhealthy and treated with chemicals from the papers to the filter to the tobacco >its all grown with super sketchy chemicals and s--- because they dont give a s--- about your health >its f------ taxed like CRAZY in my country f------ $15 а рack >its the nastiest smelling s--- in the world >at least weed gives you a buzz and is mostly healthy but this just smells like chemical cancer death >they put s--- in it to make it more addictive and dangerous >every single one destroys your health a little bit >my dad could be a f------ millionaire if he put all the money he did cigarettes into stocks over the years >just spends f--- loads of money on them >i smell them sometimes its so f------ gross the only thing i smoke is weed and i usually leave windows open because i just like fresh air

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That sucks bro | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 02/08/21 (Mon) 11:37:43 No.72699 >>72704 File (hide): 1612802263148.png (297.04 KB, 325x533, 853.png) >The anarchist's m ""cookbook"" >doesn't contain a single recipe for bread
Anonymous 02/08/21 (Mon) 11:37:43 No.72699 >>72704 File (hide): 1612802263148.png (297.04 KB, 325x533, 853.png) >The anarchist's m ""cookbook"" >doesn't contain a single recipe for bread

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Anon makes fun of porn | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)11:30:23 No.851404606 > watch p--- and masturbate > literally c------ to a bunch of pixels moving 9 KB PNG
: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)11:30:23 No.851404606 > watch p--- and masturbate > literally c------ to a bunch of pixels moving 9 KB PNG

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