Notes:

The fanfic:

Narrated by Thurston -- the wisest zebra in the Pride Lands ("if I do say so myself") -- the story opens on a chaotic morning. Kion is torn between Fuli and Rani, unable to choose, while the Pride Lands are busy hosting the first-ever Savanna Capitalism Conference, an event proudly launched by Timon and Pumbaa.

Meanwhile, Kiara, portrayed as extremely naive and prone to long speeches about "following your heart even when it makes no sense," finds herself falling for… Nuka. According to Thurston, the spark ignites when Nuka trips over a rock, rolls down a hill, and proclaims, "Just showing you my special hunting style, babe."

Simba tries to intervene but is tragically crushed under a runaway merchandise cart from the conference. ("SavannaMart: Shop Now, Roar Later!") His death is mourned briefly -- three sentences, to be precise -- before the narrative quickly shifts back to the real drama: Timon, overwhelmed with emotion, proposing marriage to Shenzi in the middle of the conference. Everyone acts like this is perfectly normal.

Meanwhile, Ed meets his own sad end, slipping and falling into a gourmet bug stand, barely noticed by anyone.

The story's biggest twist comes when Rafiki reveals an ancient scroll proving that Scar was never evil -- just extremely clumsy. ("The fire? He tripped over a torch. The coup? He was trying to climb a mango tree.")

Finally, Thurston explains that this whole saga isn't just about love, but a deep allegory about capitalism -- how even the purest hearts (like Kiara's) can be manipulated by clever marketing and flashy but empty promises.

The End.