My Immortal Author Denies She Wrote Handbook For Mortals

The “Reclusive Author” is one of the longest-running mythos in the literary world.

Imagine, somewhere in the middle of no where, a brooding genius clacks away at their typewriter all day, spinning some of the greatest works of fiction known to man, yet we are not privy to much information surrounding him or her. Some of the most celebrated authors in modern literature fit this bill: J.D. Salinger, Thomas Pynchon, Elena Ferrante. In the world of online fan fiction, there are only a few who can lay claim to this title other than Tara Gilesbie, a.k.a XXXblodyblaktearz666XXX, the author of the most infamous fan-fiction of all time, My Immortal.

For those who aren't familiar with the work, My Immortal is a typo-laden, sex-filled interpretation of the Harry Potter universe in which the protagonist, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, goes to Hogwarts and Good Charlotte concerts and is the object of sexual desire for every male character at the school. It features some of the best prose put to paper, including classic lines such as:

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

"We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!  

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

Since its first release in 2006, people have been wondering about the elusive author and the true intention behind her magnum opus. Could it possibly have been sincere? Or was it a brilliant satire of the fanfic genre? Is Tara Gilesbie even a real person? Like many other literary legends who fit into the "Reclusive Author" narrative, all of these questions have long remained unanswered.

Then something bizarre happened this month. Out of the blue, a young adult novel titled Handbook for Mortals, written by Lani Sarem and published by GeekNation, topped the New York Times Young Adult Bestseller Chart. For many literati who had never heard of the author or the publisher before, this news begged a lot of questions, and even scrutiny.

Well, it seems the skeptics were on to something. It turns out that the spectacular rise of Handbook for Mortals had been the result of a scam in which the publisher bulk-bought copies of the book as part of a ploy to snag a film adaptation deal and the author would make her silver screen debut as the star of the movie.

Now, if you’re familiar with My Immortal, this sounds like some totally plausible shit “Tara” would pull. Considering how Ebony is a textbook case of the Mary Sue archetype, a notion that “Tara” would refine her skills and attempt to live out her dream of being the hero in a fantasy world of her own creation seems to follow a reasonable line of thought. Thus, a theory that Lani Sarem was actually Tara Gilesbie was born on Twitter.

tell me i'm wrong pic.twitter.com/4cybaBWoVw

— Preeti Chhibber (@runwithskizzers) August 24, 2017

This charge prompted a response from "Tara." Earlier this month, the internet heard from "Tara" for the first time in eleven years when she appeared on Fictionpress.net on August 2nd to thank users for their continued love of My Immortal. But as the Handbook of Mortals controversy swirled, Tara updated her Fictionpress profile with a statement that read:

Because I've received several messages asking this, and predict I may receive more, I'll answer it here. No, I am not Lani Sarem. Really bad fiction simply tends to read the same. No, I'm not on Facebook. Or Deviantart. Or MySpace. Or Youtube. (Etc.) I am on Tumblr. But I use my real name there, and it's not Tara.

Now, is this truly Tara? There’s no way to truly know, but the recent Tara updates would appear to confirm that My Immortal really was written by a very enthusiastic, horny teenager who has grown up and developed a sense of humor about the whole thing. But with dueling stories as laden with insane plot twists as My Immortal and the Handbook for Mortals fallout, it’s difficult to believe the story is over.

Maybe, just perhaps, the real author of My Immortal is…

DUMBLYDORE!!1