"Mad Pooper" Terrorizes Colorado Suburb

Look, sewer plumbing is serious business. It keeps us healthy, clean and free from the smell of human waste. Stretching back as far as 2500 B.C., when the Egyptians built sewage systems into their pyramids, the mankind has long understood the importance of indoor plumbing. Just to be clear, ancient Egyptians believed that even the dead needed a place to take a dump. That’s what makes this story out of Colorado Springs so disturbing.

According to the latest "hmm" story making the rounds on social media, a mystery jogger in a Colorado Springs has reportedly been dropping trou and going number two on her morning runs. I’ve heard of the “runs,” but this is ridiculous. (Note: Sorry, for that joke.) Residents have seen the woman poop in front of their house and--more horrifically--wiping with napkins and paper towels, before her butt trash for the neighborhood to deal with. The culprit has been photographed, confronted and asked to stop, and one Colorado Springs resident Cathy Budde has even taken on a citizen's investigation against the "Mad Pooper" after her kids saw the woman taking a crap in their yard.

"They are like, 'There's a lady taking a poop!' So I come outside, and I'm like…'are you serious?'" Budde told KKTV. "'Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids!?' She's like, 'Yeah, sorry!'"

"Yeah, sorry" is the understatement of the century.

However, an apology doesn't mean much without a change in behavior, and the Mad Pooper poops on. At least once a week for the past seven weeks, the Mad Pooper has left her brown calling card and a used napkin outside the Budde's household with no signs of slowing down. The Buddes have claimed that this is an intentional attack on their family, pointing out that they live across the street from public bathrooms and a nearby gas station, which the runner could just easily use. And yet, the Buddes are still privy to this free fertilizing.

In all seriousness, if you’ve got a poop scoop, don’t waste your time in contacting the Colorado Springs PD https://t.co/I50rKRTRq0

— Malia Griggs (@maliagriggs) September 19, 2017

Tired of dealing with looking at a pile of human shit outside their window every week, the Buddes were eventually able to snap a few pictures of the woman in her grey running gear. The pictures were given to police but have yet to produce results. (Seriously, how have the police not brought this mystery pooper to justice?) The family has taken the law into their own hands, pasting a sign outside their house, requesting that the woman stop shitting in their yard.

But that still wasn't the end of it. The Mad Pooper has extended her reign of terror to other parts of the Colorado Springs area, including other backyards and a nearby Walgreens. Is nothing sacred anymore?