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Bert's White Christmas

No, Bert. Bing Crosby's White Christmas" is not about ethnic cleansing

No, Bert. Bing Crosby's White Christmas" is not about ethnic cleansing

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Bert's Book of Victims.

While flipping through his trophy album, Bert has a good chuckle as he comes across that victim who had soiled himself during strangulation. He had totally forgotten about that one.

While flipping through his trophy album, Bert has a good chuckle as he comes across that victim who had soiled himself during strangulation. He had totally forgotten about that one.

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Ernie is a liar.

Ernie said he took care of the snipers. But about two seconds into his run, Bert learned that Ernie was a f------ liar.

Ernie said he took care of the snipers. But about two seconds into his run, Bert learned that Ernie was a f------ liar.

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Oh my...

SESAME STREET "Elmo, what's your tattoo mean?" "It means 'if you can read this, Elmo has probably killed someone you love' in Vietnamese. Elmo can't pronounce the b------- gobblygook. but this is what it looks like: '5uin f------ language, Elmo knows." "Um, Elmo.... put that into Google Translate. It's Thai for 'I love spaghetti in my a------'."

SESAME STREET "Elmo, what's your tattoo mean?" "It means 'if you can read this, Elmo has probably killed someone you love' in Vietnamese. Elmo can't pronounce the b------- gobblygook. but this is what it looks like: '5uin f------ language, Elmo knows." "Um, Elmo.... put that into Google Translate. It's Thai for 'I love spaghetti in my a------'."

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Larcenists belong to the dark side

"I had a shoe box full of blow in my dressing room. Now it's gone, and the first a------ I run into has nose as red as Rudolph's d---!" "T-t-take it easy, Mark! l'm good for it! I was just playing a little joke, that's all! "Yeah? Well guess what, funny man? I got jokes too! l'm a REAL joker!"

"I had a shoe box full of blow in my dressing room. Now it's gone, and the first a------ I run into has nose as red as Rudolph's d---!" "T-t-take it easy, Mark! l'm good for it! I was just playing a little joke, that's all! "Yeah? Well guess what, funny man? I got jokes too! l'm a REAL joker!"

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Bertstrip

"I know you're not the Bert from this time. You traveled here from the future to kill me. You know that in six years l'll build a time machine, which I'll use to travel back in time and mastermind September 11th. But what you don't know is that I stopped here before I ventured back to 1996, to warn myself of your arrival. Grover betrayed you, Bert. He sold you out to my future self to become Emperor of the world I'll eventually build. And because of him, all the pieces are now falling into place. Any second now the front door will fling open, and a SWAT team will arrive to arrest you for the murder of Abby Cadabby. The Bert Bertinson of my time is indisposed, so he won't coming to your rescue eitherl Soon your memories and his will line up, and the errant ripple in time you created will simply cease to exist. 9/11 will happen, Bert. You'd already failed before you even started."

"I know you're not the Bert from this time. You traveled here from the future to kill me. You know that in six years l'll build a time machine, which I'll use to travel back in time and mastermind September 11th. But what you don't know is that I stopped here before I ventured back to 1996, to warn myself of your arrival. Grover betrayed you, Bert. He sold you out to my future self to become Emperor of the world I'll eventually build. And because of him, all the pieces are now falling into place. Any second now the front door will fling open, and a SWAT team will arrive to arrest you for the murder of Abby Cadabby. The Bert Bertinson of my time is indisposed, so he won't coming to your rescue eitherl Soon your memories and his will line up, and the errant ripple in time you created will simply cease to exist. 9/11 will happen, Bert. You'd already failed before you even started."

Elmo's World Crumbles Down

Elmo knew the deadbolt wouldn't keep the SWAT out for much longer. In a frenzy to reach his safe room, Elmo only managed to grab a single mag of armor piercing rounds. He didn't have a vest. Dorothy was belly up from ingesting poison, she took the easy way out. Now Elmo would have to shoot it out with the SSPD on his own.... or would he? "You know it's funny..." Elmo said as he cocked his rifle and pressed the tip against the underside of his chin. "The last thing Elmo is going to taste before he dies is a shot in the mouth... just like all those kids I r---- and murdered." In a blink the red had faded to white. A soldier had finally tired of the fight. He shed mortality for the release it avows. Dorothy and Elmo are in Heaven Now. ticht. He shed mortality for the

Elmo knew the deadbolt wouldn't keep the SWAT out for much longer. In a frenzy to reach his safe room, Elmo only managed to grab a single mag of armor piercing rounds. He didn't have a vest. Dorothy was belly up from ingesting poison, she took the easy way out. Now Elmo would have to shoot it out with the SSPD on his own.... or would he? "You know it's funny..." Elmo said as he cocked his rifle and pressed the tip against the underside of his chin. "The last thing Elmo is going to taste before he dies is a shot in the mouth... just like all those kids I r---- and murdered." In a blink the red had faded to white. A soldier had finally tired of the fight. He shed mortality for the release it avows. Dorothy and Elmo are in Heaven Now. ticht. He shed mortality for the

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That's-a for kidnapping-a my princess, you frog bastard!

Grover, under the guise of a plumber, enters the home of his wife's r-----

Grover, under the guise of a plumber, enters the home of his wife's r-----

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A Big Black Dick

Usher shows Bert just how long black d---- are

Usher shows Bert just how long black d---- are

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Bort

SESAME STREET Bort was afraid at first, but with his father's encouragement he continued sliding down, and was eventually overcome by sheer excitement. Bert was right: The water was just the right temperature, and there was nothing to be afraid of in the bathtub.

SESAME STREET Bort was afraid at first, but with his father's encouragement he continued sliding down, and was eventually overcome by sheer excitement. Bert was right: The water was just the right temperature, and there was nothing to be afraid of in the bathtub.

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Jesus

"Do you remember this day, Johnson? You should. In about three minutes, the police will break down that door. They'll see what you've done, and shoot you on sight. You sick f---!", they'll shout as they gun you down. 'Kill that f------ freak!'." "No.... that was all a dream. A fantasy. I'd never do such-." "Oh, but you did! You knew you would never be a real woman, Johnson. But you wanted to know what it was like! So you stole someone's child. You wanted to 'give birth' so badly..." "I did, didn't I? I wanted to know that feeling. What it was like to have a living thing, inside of me ..." "You know as well as I do that it didn't live long once it was inside you. But I will say this much, Johnson. You looked really cute in that dress. It's very 'motherly'."

"Do you remember this day, Johnson? You should. In about three minutes, the police will break down that door. They'll see what you've done, and shoot you on sight. You sick f---!", they'll shout as they gun you down. 'Kill that f------ freak!'." "No.... that was all a dream. A fantasy. I'd never do such-." "Oh, but you did! You knew you would never be a real woman, Johnson. But you wanted to know what it was like! So you stole someone's child. You wanted to 'give birth' so badly..." "I did, didn't I? I wanted to know that feeling. What it was like to have a living thing, inside of me ..." "You know as well as I do that it didn't live long once it was inside you. But I will say this much, Johnson. You looked really cute in that dress. It's very 'motherly'."

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Adding "Stinky" on the pot, to add insult to injury.

Maria discovers Luis' shrunken, decomposing, severed head left in a flower pot for her by the Zetas cartel.

Maria discovers Luis' shrunken, decomposing, severed head left in a flower pot for her by the Zetas cartel.

sesame street stinky the plant maria cartel

Can't Breathe

"You gotta breathe sometime, Bert. And as soon as those lips open, my d---- going in!"

"You gotta breathe sometime, Bert. And as soon as those lips open, my d---- going in!"

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The Next Segment Was How to Enroll in the Illuminati

First Lady Michelle Obama demonstrates to her young viewers that it's okay to ritually-sacrifice your friends for consumption

First Lady Michelle Obama demonstrates to her young viewers that it's okay to ritually-sacrifice your friends for consumption

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Never Be This Out of Your Mind, Folks

ANDREW They have never been this high before. They scream, but their tongues flail in uselessness as their bodies refuse to move.

ANDREW They have never been this high before. They scream, but their tongues flail in uselessness as their bodies refuse to move.

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Why Didn't I Think of That!?

SESAME STREET Cookie Monster fakes being diagnosed with cerebral cancer in order to enter in the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

SESAME STREET Cookie Monster fakes being diagnosed with cerebral cancer in order to enter in the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

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The Inner Mechanisations of Drugs

"And look where you are now. A sad mess of a frog whose only future accomplishments are starring in cheesy movies for children who can't tell you where their s--- is coming from and senior citizens who take forty seconds to tell you. lI'd have told you to get rid of Piggy, but you didn't take your LSD at that time. You can still get out of this mess, you know. Just end me and that woman who bitches more than she works. That quack doctor can't tell the difference between infanticide and wet Playdoh. Just be sure to think of me when you're finally free.

"And look where you are now. A sad mess of a frog whose only future accomplishments are starring in cheesy movies for children who can't tell you where their s--- is coming from and senior citizens who take forty seconds to tell you. lI'd have told you to get rid of Piggy, but you didn't take your LSD at that time. You can still get out of this mess, you know. Just end me and that woman who bitches more than she works. That quack doctor can't tell the difference between infanticide and wet Playdoh. Just be sure to think of me when you're finally free.

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Nutella

Jimmy Falon tries to diffuse the situation when Cookie Monster repeatedly yells the N-word at onlookers.

Jimmy Falon tries to diffuse the situation when Cookie Monster repeatedly yells the N-word at onlookers.

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Telly Always Has The Worst of Days

As Telly participates in the Thanksgiving Day Parade, he realizes he is not alone in the float

As Telly participates in the Thanksgiving Day Parade, he realizes he is not alone in the float

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Hooper's Store

HOOPER'S STORE Jimmy Falon successfully avoids the FBI by giving his vendor a name change.

HOOPER'S STORE Jimmy Falon successfully avoids the FBI by giving his vendor a name change.

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