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The Best Time of Day

Sorlin @Solrinsded To everyone who doesn't understand why staying up from 12-5am is such a vibe: it's because it's the one time everything's peaceful. No one expects anything from you because nothing between those hours fits into a daily routine. It feels like a waste to just sleep through it.

Sorlin @Solrinsded To everyone who doesn't understand why staying up from 12-5am is such a vibe: it's because it's the one time everything's peaceful. No one expects anything from you because nothing between those hours fits into a daily routine. It feels like a waste to just sleep through it.

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How About 18

James McKenna @JRMckennatravel LOWER THE RETIREMENT AGE TO 25!!!!!!! l'm done. I'm drained. I'm bored. 2:41 PM · 2021-12-12 · Twitter for iPhone

James McKenna @JRMckennatravel LOWER THE RETIREMENT AGE TO 25!!!!!!! l'm done. I'm drained. I'm bored. 2:41 PM · 2021-12-12 · Twitter for iPhone

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So Many Stares

Land-on Plymouth Rock @landonhowell When you walk into a rural gas station wearing your mask in the middle of a pandemic. 8:47 AM · Nov 23, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone

Land-on Plymouth Rock @landonhowell When you walk into a rural gas station wearing your mask in the middle of a pandemic. 8:47 AM · Nov 23, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone

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Taco Holder

just found out my car has a taco holder Dak @RidiculousDak I've just been putting my sunglasses up there like an idiot

just found out my car has a taco holder Dak @RidiculousDak I've just been putting my sunglasses up there like an idiot

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The Root of Self-Esteem Issues

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Money Skills

Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur When l'm near the end of a bottle of body wash, I can make a few drops miraculously last for 8 showers like it's Menorah oil, then when I start a new bottle l'm doing full squeezes like it's never going to run out. Anyway, this is the same way I am with money.

Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur When l'm near the end of a bottle of body wash, I can make a few drops miraculously last for 8 showers like it's Menorah oil, then when I start a new bottle l'm doing full squeezes like it's never going to run out. Anyway, this is the same way I am with money.

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Yikes

Austin @Austin_James74 What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you? megan @meganlewis74 3 years ago, a cute guy I worked with wanted to give me a fist bump... thought he was pretending to hold an invisible microphone sol leaned forward and said hello

Austin @Austin_James74 What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you? megan @meganlewis74 3 years ago, a cute guy I worked with wanted to give me a fist bump... thought he was pretending to hold an invisible microphone sol leaned forward and said hello

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Guilty Pleasures

Ryan North @ryanqnorth All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety 2:36 PM Mar 17, 2020 Twitter for Android 839 Retweets 2.6K Likes >

Ryan North @ryanqnorth All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety 2:36 PM Mar 17, 2020 Twitter for Android 839 Retweets 2.6K Likes >

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Unrealistic Expectations

Axe Murder O @rmccarthyjames all of my plans for the future involve me waking up tomorrow with a sudden sense of discipline and adherence to routine that i have never displayed even once in my life

Axe Murder O @rmccarthyjames all of my plans for the future involve me waking up tomorrow with a sudden sense of discipline and adherence to routine that i have never displayed even once in my life

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Funny Numbers

anja @internetanja getting bored of 69 and 420. they should release new funny numbers 4:08 PM · 2020-11-18 · Twitter for iPhone 23K Retweets 3,610 Quote Tweets 388K Likes

anja @internetanja getting bored of 69 and 420. they should release new funny numbers 4:08 PM · 2020-11-18 · Twitter for iPhone 23K Retweets 3,610 Quote Tweets 388K Likes

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My Sleep Cycle Is Cruel

Matt Buechele @mattbooshell MY BODY AT 3AM: let's wake him up for no reason MY BODY TEN MINUTES TILL ALARM: let's make him feel more comfortable than he's ever felt in his life

Matt Buechele @mattbooshell MY BODY AT 3AM: let's wake him up for no reason MY BODY TEN MINUTES TILL ALARM: let's make him feel more comfortable than he's ever felt in his life

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Impossible

maggie mull @infinitesimull Can you even imagine getting in bed and then easily falling asleep and then waking up feeling rested and then having a good day and then doing it again

maggie mull @infinitesimull Can you even imagine getting in bed and then easily falling asleep and then waking up feeling rested and then having a good day and then doing it again

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It's Fate

Amanda Nell Edgar @amandanelledgar In college I fell out of my bunk bed and broke both of my legs and one arm. Years later on a date, I made a joke about being clumsy and the dude told me I couldn't compare to this woman his EMT brother helped once .. who fell out of her bunk and broke all the bones. It was me.

Amanda Nell Edgar @amandanelledgar In college I fell out of my bunk bed and broke both of my legs and one arm. Years later on a date, I made a joke about being clumsy and the dude told me I couldn't compare to this woman his EMT brother helped once .. who fell out of her bunk and broke all the bones. It was me.

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Probably

Jesse McLaren @McJesse Starring Me Are racist people like "ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year."

Jesse McLaren @McJesse Starring Me Are racist people like "ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year."

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Livin' the Dream

abe broman @penis_hernandez when you ask how a white person is doing and they say "livin the dream" thats code for "every morning i wake up wishing i was dead" 12:06 PM 30 Jul 18

abe broman @penis_hernandez when you ask how a white person is doing and they say "livin the dream" thats code for "every morning i wake up wishing i was dead" 12:06 PM 30 Jul 18

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Burn

Chris Scott @iamchrisscott Mariah Carey beginning with "I don't want a lot for Christmas" and then revealing she wants "you" is such a good burn

Chris Scott @iamchrisscott Mariah Carey beginning with "I don't want a lot for Christmas" and then revealing she wants "you" is such a good burn

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