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I Can't Eat Without It

KYLE @thekillakay_ l'll turn on a 2 hour movie just to eat my food in 2 minutes and 17 seconds

KYLE @thekillakay_ l'll turn on a 2 hour movie just to eat my food in 2 minutes and 17 seconds

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I Feel Called Out

Hope Rehak @HopeRehak Excited to tell my grandkids that during the pandemic l did not learn any new skills, I didn't get fit, I had no children, and I became overall slightly worse as a person 11:45 PM · 2021-04-04 · Twitter Web App 2,511 Retweets 119 Quote Tweets 20K Likes

Hope Rehak @HopeRehak Excited to tell my grandkids that during the pandemic l did not learn any new skills, I didn't get fit, I had no children, and I became overall slightly worse as a person 11:45 PM · 2021-04-04 · Twitter Web App 2,511 Retweets 119 Quote Tweets 20K Likes

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The Best Time of Day

Sorlin @Solrinsded To everyone who doesn't understand why staying up from 12-5am is such a vibe: it's because it's the one time everything's peaceful. No one expects anything from you because nothing between those hours fits into a daily routine. It feels like a waste to just sleep through it.

Sorlin @Solrinsded To everyone who doesn't understand why staying up from 12-5am is such a vibe: it's because it's the one time everything's peaceful. No one expects anything from you because nothing between those hours fits into a daily routine. It feels like a waste to just sleep through it.

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How About 18

James McKenna @JRMckennatravel LOWER THE RETIREMENT AGE TO 25!!!!!!! l'm done. I'm drained. I'm bored. 2:41 PM · 2021-12-12 · Twitter for iPhone

James McKenna @JRMckennatravel LOWER THE RETIREMENT AGE TO 25!!!!!!! l'm done. I'm drained. I'm bored. 2:41 PM · 2021-12-12 · Twitter for iPhone

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So Many Stares

Land-on Plymouth Rock @landonhowell When you walk into a rural gas station wearing your mask in the middle of a pandemic. 8:47 AM · Nov 23, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone

Land-on Plymouth Rock @landonhowell When you walk into a rural gas station wearing your mask in the middle of a pandemic. 8:47 AM · Nov 23, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone

twitter awkward party reaction covid-19 pandemic

Taco Holder

just found out my car has a taco holder Dak @RidiculousDak I've just been putting my sunglasses up there like an idiot

just found out my car has a taco holder Dak @RidiculousDak I've just been putting my sunglasses up there like an idiot

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The Root of Self-Esteem Issues

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Money Skills

Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur When l'm near the end of a bottle of body wash, I can make a few drops miraculously last for 8 showers like it's Menorah oil, then when I start a new bottle l'm doing full squeezes like it's never going to run out. Anyway, this is the same way I am with money.

Dan Wilbur @DanWilbur When l'm near the end of a bottle of body wash, I can make a few drops miraculously last for 8 showers like it's Menorah oil, then when I start a new bottle l'm doing full squeezes like it's never going to run out. Anyway, this is the same way I am with money.

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Yikes

Austin @Austin_James74 What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you? megan @meganlewis74 3 years ago, a cute guy I worked with wanted to give me a fist bump... thought he was pretending to hold an invisible microphone sol leaned forward and said hello

Austin @Austin_James74 What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you? megan @meganlewis74 3 years ago, a cute guy I worked with wanted to give me a fist bump... thought he was pretending to hold an invisible microphone sol leaned forward and said hello

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Guilty Pleasures

Ryan North @ryanqnorth All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety 2:36 PM Mar 17, 2020 Twitter for Android 839 Retweets 2.6K Likes >

Ryan North @ryanqnorth All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety 2:36 PM Mar 17, 2020 Twitter for Android 839 Retweets 2.6K Likes >

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Unrealistic Expectations

Axe Murder O @rmccarthyjames all of my plans for the future involve me waking up tomorrow with a sudden sense of discipline and adherence to routine that i have never displayed even once in my life

Axe Murder O @rmccarthyjames all of my plans for the future involve me waking up tomorrow with a sudden sense of discipline and adherence to routine that i have never displayed even once in my life

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Funny Numbers

anja @internetanja getting bored of 69 and 420. they should release new funny numbers 4:08 PM · 2020-11-18 · Twitter for iPhone 23K Retweets 3,610 Quote Tweets 388K Likes

anja @internetanja getting bored of 69 and 420. they should release new funny numbers 4:08 PM · 2020-11-18 · Twitter for iPhone 23K Retweets 3,610 Quote Tweets 388K Likes

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My Sleep Cycle Is Cruel

Matt Buechele @mattbooshell MY BODY AT 3AM: let's wake him up for no reason MY BODY TEN MINUTES TILL ALARM: let's make him feel more comfortable than he's ever felt in his life

Matt Buechele @mattbooshell MY BODY AT 3AM: let's wake him up for no reason MY BODY TEN MINUTES TILL ALARM: let's make him feel more comfortable than he's ever felt in his life

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Impossible

maggie mull @infinitesimull Can you even imagine getting in bed and then easily falling asleep and then waking up feeling rested and then having a good day and then doing it again

maggie mull @infinitesimull Can you even imagine getting in bed and then easily falling asleep and then waking up feeling rested and then having a good day and then doing it again

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It's Fate

Amanda Nell Edgar @amandanelledgar In college I fell out of my bunk bed and broke both of my legs and one arm. Years later on a date, I made a joke about being clumsy and the dude told me I couldn't compare to this woman his EMT brother helped once .. who fell out of her bunk and broke all the bones. It was me.

Amanda Nell Edgar @amandanelledgar In college I fell out of my bunk bed and broke both of my legs and one arm. Years later on a date, I made a joke about being clumsy and the dude told me I couldn't compare to this woman his EMT brother helped once .. who fell out of her bunk and broke all the bones. It was me.

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Probably

Jesse McLaren @McJesse Starring Me Are racist people like "ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year."

Jesse McLaren @McJesse Starring Me Are racist people like "ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year."

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Livin' the Dream

abe broman @penis_hernandez when you ask how a white person is doing and they say "livin the dream" thats code for "every morning i wake up wishing i was dead" 12:06 PM 30 Jul 18

abe broman @penis_hernandez when you ask how a white person is doing and they say "livin the dream" thats code for "every morning i wake up wishing i was dead" 12:06 PM 30 Jul 18

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Burn

Chris Scott @iamchrisscott Mariah Carey beginning with "I don't want a lot for Christmas" and then revealing she wants "you" is such a good burn

Chris Scott @iamchrisscott Mariah Carey beginning with "I don't want a lot for Christmas" and then revealing she wants "you" is such a good burn

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Loafers

Mike Ginn @shutupmikeginn trying to find nice loafers and my gf laughed at me for checking reddit, saying that the guys there wouldn't know. now on an 800 post thread where dudes are berating each other about leather quality. they know so much about loafers it ruined their life. i'm on the right site.

Mike Ginn @shutupmikeginn trying to find nice loafers and my gf laughed at me for checking reddit, saying that the guys there wouldn't know. now on an 800 post thread where dudes are berating each other about leather quality. they know so much about loafers it ruined their life. i'm on the right site.

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What Are Their Motives?

katie ... @socompliKATIEd do beavers even know what they're doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think "absolutely not"

katie ... @socompliKATIEd do beavers even know what they're doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think "absolutely not"

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