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Party Tips

Ted Travelstead O @trumpetcake 2d Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party. It's a conversation starter: "Ever seen a lion's egg?" A conversation avoider: "Excuse me! Hot hot hot!" A conversation ender: "Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!" Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Ted Travelstead O @trumpetcake 2d Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party. It's a conversation starter: "Ever seen a lion's egg?" A conversation avoider: "Excuse me! Hot hot hot!" A conversation ender: "Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!" Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

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An Important Clarification for Americans

4 PERSONS MAX 1000 KG OR 1 HORSE 5,050 BANANAS 6,666 HENS EGGS 2,941 PIGEONS 88 HADDOCK 10,526 NICKELS
4 PERSONS MAX 1000 KG OR 1 HORSE 5,050 BANANAS 6,666 HENS EGGS 2,941 PIGEONS 88 HADDOCK 10,526 NICKELS

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The Root Cause of Anxiety


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I Didn't Need This Today

Jake Symbol @JakeSymbol I'm sick of pointing a gun at my dad through my window at 2am as he pleas "come on Jake. Just let your old paw in. I'm tired" and replying "You're not my dad. He's asleep in the other room. I hear him snoring" then watching his expression go sour as he turns back toward the woods 3:57 AM 17 Feb 20 · Twitter for iPhone
Jake Symbol @JakeSymbol I'm sick of pointing a gun at my dad through my window at 2am as he pleas "come on Jake. Just let your old paw in. I'm tired" and replying "You're not my dad. He's asleep in the other room. I hear him snoring" then watching his expression go sour as he turns back toward the woods 3:57 AM 17 Feb 20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Attorney at Paw

soul nate ... @MNateShyamalan imagine it's your day in court for a horrible crime you didn't commit. your lawyer is late, you haven't even met them yet. then the doors swing open, and it's a fbing golden retriever in a suit. your heart sinks. you realize you are in air bud 14: attorney at paw. you weep
soul nate ... @MNateShyamalan imagine it's your day in court for a horrible crime you didn't commit. your lawyer is late, you haven't even met them yet. then the doors swing open, and it's a fbing golden retriever in a suit. your heart sinks. you realize you are in air bud 14: attorney at paw. you weep

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Honk Honk

HONK IF YOU'D RATHER BE WATCHING THE 1999 CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE THE MUMMY STARRING BRENDAN FRASER AND RACHEL WEISZ.
HONK IF YOU'D RATHER BE WATCHING THE 1999 CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE THE MUMMY STARRING BRENDAN FRASER AND RACHEL WEISZ.

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Fear of Bears


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Rooster Worship


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My New Worst Fear


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'Murica


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Make This Happen

snake plissken @orionn_ they should not give cops horses. give those horses to postal workers so i can sit out on my porch drinking iced tea and then a guy rides up on a horse and says "hey pal, got a letter for you here"
snake plissken @orionn_ they should not give cops horses. give those horses to postal workers so i can sit out on my porch drinking iced tea and then a guy rides up on a horse and says "hey pal, got a letter for you here"

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Just Take A Private Car

when we say "eat the rich," we don't mean your friend who makes 70k/year, we mean my friend's ex who had a $300 million trust fund who once asked me why I was taking the subway home from a dinner with them, then said you should always take a private car home when it's raining 9:08 AM 24 Jul 20 · Twitter for iPhone
when we say "eat the rich," we don't mean your friend who makes 70k/year, we mean my friend's ex who had a $300 million trust fund who once asked me why I was taking the subway home from a dinner with them, then said you should always take a private car home when it's raining 9:08 AM 24 Jul 20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Stop Overthinking It

Veronica @VeronicaRuckh When you're texting a dude and he seems into the convo, initiating, asking questions, but takes like 25 minutes to respond to you each time and you're like W-- DOES THIS MEAN WHAT ARE THESE GAMES? They're video games. He's texting you in between rounds of video games.
Veronica @VeronicaRuckh When you're texting a dude and he seems into the convo, initiating, asking questions, but takes like 25 minutes to respond to you each time and you're like W-- DOES THIS MEAN WHAT ARE THESE GAMES? They're video games. He's texting you in between rounds of video games.

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Are Ya Ready Kids?

Veggietales Facts @Veggiefact when you die your voice is added to the chorus of children yelling "aye aye captain" in the spongebob intro 1:52 02 Jul 19 TweetDeck 19.9K Retweets 79.4K Likes 8
Veggietales Facts @Veggiefact when you die your voice is added to the chorus of children yelling "aye aye captain" in the spongebob intro 1:52 02 Jul 19 TweetDeck 19.9K Retweets 79.4K Likes 8

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The Wrong Generation

f thot fitzgerald @dracomallfoys i was born in the wrong generation...wish i could've been created as a chain of amino acids floating aimlessly in water during the biochemical creation of living organisms 7:53 AM 06 Mar 18 >
f thot fitzgerald @dracomallfoys i was born in the wrong generation...wish i could've been created as a chain of amino acids floating aimlessly in water during the biochemical creation of living organisms 7:53 AM 06 Mar 18 >

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Pretty Accurate

Popeye's Chic-Fil-A ... Okay let me break it down for the people who haven't had a chicken sandwich from either Chick-fil-A or Popeyes. Chick-fil-A's sandwich tastes like it was cooked by a white woman named Sarah who grew up around black people. The flavor is definitely there, but Sarah cares about your cholesterol so she's carefu about the breading and grease content. Popeye's sandwich tastes like it was cooked by an older black lady named Lucille that serves on the usher board and has 12 grandkids that call her "Madea." Madea don't give a s--- about your cholesterol because God's in control. I hope this helps.
Popeye's Chic-Fil-A ... Okay let me break it down for the people who haven't had a chicken sandwich from either Chick-fil-A or Popeyes. Chick-fil-A's sandwich tastes like it was cooked by a white woman named Sarah who grew up around black people. The flavor is definitely there, but Sarah cares about your cholesterol so she's carefu about the breading and grease content. Popeye's sandwich tastes like it was cooked by an older black lady named Lucille that serves on the usher board and has 12 grandkids that call her "Madea." Madea don't give a s--- about your cholesterol because God's in control. I hope this helps.

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New Career Option


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Good Plan


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Who Relates?


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Why Were You Thinking About This in the First Place?

literary agent needing jerk @rajandelman If I were a human bone trying to escape the body, l'd probably wait until the person was eating a chicken wing, then try to slip out through the mouth. Let them think l'm just part of the wing they ate. By the time they figure it out, I'm long gone 5:16 · 01 Sep 21· Twitter for Android
literary agent needing jerk @rajandelman If I were a human bone trying to escape the body, l'd probably wait until the person was eating a chicken wing, then try to slip out through the mouth. Let them think l'm just part of the wing they ate. By the time they figure it out, I'm long gone 5:16 · 01 Sep 21· Twitter for Android

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