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Growing Apart

lauren o'neill O @hiyalauren when u were mates in schol but now one of u reviews hot sauces on IG Live and one of u is an estate agent so u don't really find u have too much to say to each other these days EAT SAS BLOCK

lauren o'neill O @hiyalauren when u were mates in schol but now one of u reviews hot sauces on IG Live and one of u is an estate agent so u don't really find u have too much to say to each other these days EAT SAS BLOCK

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Go On Brandon

Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_ ME: she's jealous of me because i can play Mr. Brightside using nothing but armpit farts WIFE: not true ME: I'll do it right now WIFE: please don't MARRIAGE COUNSELOR (visibly excited): you can express yourself freely here brandon

Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_ ME: she's jealous of me because i can play Mr. Brightside using nothing but armpit farts WIFE: not true ME: I'll do it right now WIFE: please don't MARRIAGE COUNSELOR (visibly excited): you can express yourself freely here brandon

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Pangolins

Dana Schwartz @DanaSchwartzzz Pangolins are cute because they always look like they're about to hesitantly present some bad news to their sovereign lord. "Pardon me sire... my liege if I may.. the prisoners.. they've.. well, they've escaped."

Dana Schwartz @DanaSchwartzzz Pangolins are cute because they always look like they're about to hesitantly present some bad news to their sovereign lord. "Pardon me sire... my liege if I may.. the prisoners.. they've.. well, they've escaped."

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Moving On to Better Things

Thank You Man God Bless @Senn_Spud I'm seeing a big shift in friends moving away from: - alcohol - caffeine - nicotine and towards - The bright light emanating from the woods - The voice promising all the riches the world has to offer, also coming from the woods - the delicious smell of something in the woods 12:29 PM · Apr 7, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone

Thank You Man God Bless @Senn_Spud I'm seeing a big shift in friends moving away from: - alcohol - caffeine - nicotine and towards - The bright light emanating from the woods - The voice promising all the riches the world has to offer, also coming from the woods - the delicious smell of something in the woods 12:29 PM · Apr 7, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone

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The Duolingo Owl

shell @neichelle in my most recent job interview my interviewer goes "so i saw something i wanted to talk to you about..." and paused for a long time and my stomach dropped and i really believed in that moment that she found my tweets about wanting to f k the duolingo owl 10:03 PM · 23 Jul 18 from Brooklyn, NY· Twitter for iPhone

shell @neichelle in my most recent job interview my interviewer goes "so i saw something i wanted to talk to you about..." and paused for a long time and my stomach dropped and i really believed in that moment that she found my tweets about wanting to f k the duolingo owl 10:03 PM · 23 Jul 18 from Brooklyn, NY· Twitter for iPhone

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Rockstar Lifestyle

john is toast @johnistoasted Tinject heroin into my arm that's scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me l'm on in five minutes. Let's rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume 3:51 PM · 9/28/19 · Twitter for iPhone >

john is toast @johnistoasted Tinject heroin into my arm that's scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me l'm on in five minutes. Let's rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume 3:51 PM · 9/28/19 · Twitter for iPhone >

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Just Some Advice

Dani Lyle @Danika_Lyle if I could give any advice to my 8 year old self? stop talking abt how much u like owls all the time. Ur about to get worthless owl things for every holiday until ur 20. Start talking about how much u like cold hard cash. 10:07 AM - 8/10/20 · Twitter for iPhone

Dani Lyle @Danika_Lyle if I could give any advice to my 8 year old self? stop talking abt how much u like owls all the time. Ur about to get worthless owl things for every holiday until ur 20. Start talking about how much u like cold hard cash. 10:07 AM - 8/10/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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American Welder

Nobody: Tee shirt worn by lady arguing with Walmart cashier: YES my husband is a proud AMERICAN WELDER who was born in and he will * straight up murder you v to protect me

Nobody: Tee shirt worn by lady arguing with Walmart cashier: YES my husband is a proud AMERICAN WELDER who was born in and he will * straight up murder you v to protect me

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Yikes

map of all the countries where the prime minister went for a swim and literally just f disappeared one day and was never found and none of the citizens gave a st

map of all the countries where the prime minister went for a swim and literally just f disappeared one day and was never found and none of the citizens gave a st

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Studying Is Important

3 i 8:21 PM 00 Tweet Rich Brian O @richbrian if u dont study you'll be dumb and one day ur gonna have a son & hes gonna come home super late & when u yell at him to try to discipline him he'll be like what's 7 + 8 haha thats right u dont even know goodnight Dumb ass s @Shoeminshoe · 1d Replying to @richbrian Give me motivation to study pls a Tweet your reply

3 i 8:21 PM 00 Tweet Rich Brian O @richbrian if u dont study you'll be dumb and one day ur gonna have a son & hes gonna come home super late & when u yell at him to try to discipline him he'll be like what's 7 + 8 haha thats right u dont even know goodnight Dumb ass s @Shoeminshoe · 1d Replying to @richbrian Give me motivation to study pls a Tweet your reply

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The Joys of Fatherhood

Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.

Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.

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Wine Gun

ol d tom @YuckyTom ... when u have guests over for dinner it's an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, "honey where's the garlic thumper" and ur husband or wife can yell back "it should be right next to the wine gun" and ur friend will be like "w-- i want a wine gun"

ol d tom @YuckyTom ... when u have guests over for dinner it's an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, "honey where's the garlic thumper" and ur husband or wife can yell back "it should be right next to the wine gun" and ur friend will be like "w-- i want a wine gun"

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Idea: Sitcom about a tech start-up that puts out an ad for 'ML experts'

scientism @mr_scientism · Jul 6 Idea: Sitcom about a tech start-up that puts out an ad for 'ML experts' and accidentally ends up hiring a team of Marxist-Leninists rather than machine learning engineers. 27 66 13 349 scientism @mr_scientism - Jul 6 The running gag is that the CEO is always says "right now our results are partially human generated but we expect to have completely Al generated results in a few months" and then it cuts to the Al department full of Marxist- Leninists arguing about dialectical materialism. t7 4 1 69 scientism @mr_scientism - Jul 6 ... The CEO visits the Al department from time to time and asks them how it's going. "Do you think we'll be ready in six months?" The Marxist-Leninists think he's talking about the revolution. "Absolutely", they say, pointing to a white board full of indecipherable diagrams. 1 t7 5 72 scientism @mr_scientism · Jul 6 Long conversations where the CEO thinks they're talking about an Al app and the Marxist-Leninists think they're talking about the revolution. CEO: "This is going to change the world." Marxist-Leninist: "It'll end want and hunger for all." CEO: "Nothing will ever be the same." t7 4 79

scientism @mr_scientism · Jul 6 Idea: Sitcom about a tech start-up that puts out an ad for 'ML experts' and accidentally ends up hiring a team of Marxist-Leninists rather than machine learning engineers. 27 66 13 349 scientism @mr_scientism - Jul 6 The running gag is that the CEO is always says "right now our results are partially human generated but we expect to have completely Al generated results in a few months" and then it cuts to the Al department full of Marxist- Leninists arguing about dialectical materialism. t7 4 1 69 scientism @mr_scientism - Jul 6 ... The CEO visits the Al department from time to time and asks them how it's going. "Do you think we'll be ready in six months?" The Marxist-Leninists think he's talking about the revolution. "Absolutely", they say, pointing to a white board full of indecipherable diagrams. 1 t7 5 72 scientism @mr_scientism · Jul 6 Long conversations where the CEO thinks they're talking about an Al app and the Marxist-Leninists think they're talking about the revolution. CEO: "This is going to change the world." Marxist-Leninist: "It'll end want and hunger for all." CEO: "Nothing will ever be the same." t7 4 79

machine learning marxism-leninism mr_scientism

Ikea Bags

angery foosh e @teaandrobots apparently @IKEA bags are a great way to restrain angry swans. I would like to suggest the bags be given a new name to reflect their true usage. something like BYRDKONTAIN or HÖNKHALT Secint WorlersWNS.com

angery foosh e @teaandrobots apparently @IKEA bags are a great way to restrain angry swans. I would like to suggest the bags be given a new name to reflect their true usage. something like BYRDKONTAIN or HÖNKHALT Secint WorlersWNS.com

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Bonky

brand new sentence weird tweets

You're Not a Hive Insect

Spookybritches Jules @SQLPI Reminder that you are an omnivore, a predator, and a pretty big one at that. You are not a bee or an ant. It is, in fact, normal for you to just want to lay around not producing anything. You're a mammal. Stop judging yourself for not being a hive insect. 5:08 AM Oct 12, 2020 Twitter for iPhone

Spookybritches Jules @SQLPI Reminder that you are an omnivore, a predator, and a pretty big one at that. You are not a bee or an ant. It is, in fact, normal for you to just want to lay around not producing anything. You're a mammal. Stop judging yourself for not being a hive insect. 5:08 AM Oct 12, 2020 Twitter for iPhone

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