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God fears penguins

Kellen @captainkalvis me: how come penguins can't fly zookeeper: their bodies are too heav- me: is it because god fears them zookeeper: what? me: did god make them heavy birds because they're his only weakness zookeeper: [whispering] shut your f------ mouth if you know what's good for u 7:14 PM · 2019-06-04 · Twitter Web Client

Kellen @captainkalvis me: how come penguins can't fly zookeeper: their bodies are too heav- me: is it because god fears them zookeeper: what? me: did god make them heavy birds because they're his only weakness zookeeper: [whispering] shut your f------ mouth if you know what's good for u 7:14 PM · 2019-06-04 · Twitter Web Client

penguins god zoo zookeeper white people twitter

Virgo Moment

gonna stop telling ppl im autistic, it just alienates me more! now ill say “im overwhelmed & leaving this party where everyone is drunk, it smells like febreeze + cat litter... because im a Virgo" theyd be like “YESSS EARTH SIGN!!! Go Home and alphabetize something, Queen!" 1:21 PM · 2021-08-14 · Twitter for iPhone

gonna stop telling ppl im autistic, it just alienates me more! now ill say “im overwhelmed & leaving this party where everyone is drunk, it smells like febreeze + cat litter... because im a Virgo" theyd be like “YESSS EARTH SIGN!!! Go Home and alphabetize something, Queen!" 1:21 PM · 2021-08-14 · Twitter for iPhone

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We All Have Those Neighbors

The older hippy couple next door who invite you over for reiki and vegan food, but just feed you psytrance and ketamine and ask if you'll be their unicorn.

The older hippy couple next door who invite you over for reiki and vegan food, but just feed you psytrance and ketamine and ask if you'll be their unicorn.

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What Kind of Study Was This?

GUFF OFACTS facts by Guff A study showed that sober rats prefer silence, but rats on cocaine prefer Jazz music.

GUFF OFACTS facts by Guff A study showed that sober rats prefer silence, but rats on cocaine prefer Jazz music.

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Feetus

harley * @persephonetic can u imagine being pregnant and doing an ultrasound and you ask the doctor if its a boy or a girl and he says idk bro and shows you the sonogram and its just a large human foot with an umbilical cord attached to the sole and then your husband just laughs and says haha feetus 3:52 PM 24 Feb 19 · Twitter for Android

harley * @persephonetic can u imagine being pregnant and doing an ultrasound and you ask the doctor if its a boy or a girl and he says idk bro and shows you the sonogram and its just a large human foot with an umbilical cord attached to the sole and then your husband just laughs and says haha feetus 3:52 PM 24 Feb 19 · Twitter for Android

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Can Confirm

ben mekler O @benmekler Gen Z will never understand growing up with parents who basically poured a gallon of milk into your body with a funnel every day because Big Milk told them that if we didn't drink enough our bones would go soft and we'd turn into pudding people and get kidnapped at the mall 1:15 PM · 22 May 21 · Twitter for iPhone

ben mekler O @benmekler Gen Z will never understand growing up with parents who basically poured a gallon of milk into your body with a funnel every day because Big Milk told them that if we didn't drink enough our bones would go soft and we'd turn into pudding people and get kidnapped at the mall 1:15 PM · 22 May 21 · Twitter for iPhone

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Don't We All Though

Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden retriever in an upper class white family somewhere in Maine.

Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden retriever in an upper class white family somewhere in Maine.

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The I-Want-to-Mate Dance

Bro is my professor ok Quiz: Practico tor Exam 3 Prezygotic Sympatric Semipatric Postzygotic Homeotic Question 52 1 pts You're at a club, doing your best "I-want-to-mate" dance, but nobody wants to dance with you because they don't understand what your dance is supposed to mean. Instead of mating. you go home depressed, eat a half-gallon of ice cream and wash it down with a fifth of vodka. This is a small-scale example of: O Behavioral isolation O Mechanical isolation O Temporal isolation

Bro is my professor ok Quiz: Practico tor Exam 3 Prezygotic Sympatric Semipatric Postzygotic Homeotic Question 52 1 pts You're at a club, doing your best "I-want-to-mate" dance, but nobody wants to dance with you because they don't understand what your dance is supposed to mean. Instead of mating. you go home depressed, eat a half-gallon of ice cream and wash it down with a fifth of vodka. This is a small-scale example of: O Behavioral isolation O Mechanical isolation O Temporal isolation

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This Pizza Order

THO Mediums 1st Pizza: Pepperoni 1st Pizza: Sausage 2nd Pizza: Canadian Bacon 2nd Pizza: Pineapple Qustomer Request: Crust a little crisper than normal. But not too crispy.. if thats not vague enough- nake it like youre taking revenge on a cheat ing boyfriend, BUT you still Hant to reconcile in the not so distant future. 17.99 Qustomer Request: The gate is tricky, please don't break it. & the spider on the porch is called Frank. Be nice to Frank, he guards the tomatoes, Subtotal: 17.99 Tax: 1.73 Deliyery Chg: 2.55

THO Mediums 1st Pizza: Pepperoni 1st Pizza: Sausage 2nd Pizza: Canadian Bacon 2nd Pizza: Pineapple Qustomer Request: Crust a little crisper than normal. But not too crispy.. if thats not vague enough- nake it like youre taking revenge on a cheat ing boyfriend, BUT you still Hant to reconcile in the not so distant future. 17.99 Qustomer Request: The gate is tricky, please don't break it. & the spider on the porch is called Frank. Be nice to Frank, he guards the tomatoes, Subtotal: 17.99 Tax: 1.73 Deliyery Chg: 2.55

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Wyoming

KB @kbnoswag People from Wyoming are in my mentions insulting me for dissing their state yesterday and I'm just imagining them furiously riding a horse to a McDonald's in Utah just so they could get wifi and tweet at me 12:17 PM · 1/11/19 · Twitter for iPhone 7,000 Retweets 98.9K Likes >

KB @kbnoswag People from Wyoming are in my mentions insulting me for dissing their state yesterday and I'm just imagining them furiously riding a horse to a McDonald's in Utah just so they could get wifi and tweet at me 12:17 PM · 1/11/19 · Twitter for iPhone 7,000 Retweets 98.9K Likes >

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British Cooking Shows

soul nate @MNateShyamalan british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely american cooking shows: we've replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

soul nate @MNateShyamalan british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely american cooking shows: we've replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

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We Have Some Questions

Piano (free, not haunted, pickup only) - $1 (Lutz) image 1 of 4 Free piano (you pick it up). Lester circa 1966. Lutz area. Not possessed or haunted in any way. Tuned less than 24 months ago; played by human hands -6 minutes since. Not a player piano - does not play by itself. Comes with bench. Has wheels. Please take this out of my home.

Piano (free, not haunted, pickup only) - $1 (Lutz) image 1 of 4 Free piano (you pick it up). Lester circa 1966. Lutz area. Not possessed or haunted in any way. Tuned less than 24 months ago; played by human hands -6 minutes since. Not a player piano - does not play by itself. Comes with bench. Has wheels. Please take this out of my home.

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Cookies

Sooz @CruisinSoozan I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven. 10:31 PM : 15 Jul 19 · Twitter for iPhone

Sooz @CruisinSoozan I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven. 10:31 PM : 15 Jul 19 · Twitter for iPhone

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Don't Let Your Kids Eat It

Check your kids Halloween candy carefully. Someone tried to hide The S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald, pride of the great lakes fleet.

Check your kids Halloween candy carefully. Someone tried to hide The S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald, pride of the great lakes fleet.

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Vegas Ain't Ready

Arslan ... @thega1nz Dudes be like "Vegas ain't ready for us" like Vegas ain't ever seen 4 dudes in a Macy's button down split a room at Golden Nugget & wait 3 hours in the club line just to drink a bud light, post a story and then lose $35 on a BlackJack table on the way back to the room

Arslan ... @thega1nz Dudes be like "Vegas ain't ready for us" like Vegas ain't ever seen 4 dudes in a Macy's button down split a room at Golden Nugget & wait 3 hours in the club line just to drink a bud light, post a story and then lose $35 on a BlackJack table on the way back to the room

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Wii Sports Was the Best

nataleigh @natisnotlame it's so sad that's kids will never know the simple pleasure of playing Wii Sports tennis on a Saturday afternoon in 2006 while you parents yell about getting a divorce in the other room

nataleigh @natisnotlame it's so sad that's kids will never know the simple pleasure of playing Wii Sports tennis on a Saturday afternoon in 2006 while you parents yell about getting a divorce in the other room

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Valid Argument

Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with the weirdo/goth letters

Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with the weirdo/goth letters

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High-Pressure Situation

Michael @ogpnxl What is a random thing that gives you anxiety? 10-Click Shawty @Just_Cardo Trying to put my change in my wallet at the cash register while people in line put pressure on me by just standing lol

Michael @ogpnxl What is a random thing that gives you anxiety? 10-Click Shawty @Just_Cardo Trying to put my change in my wallet at the cash register while people in line put pressure on me by just standing lol

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You Guys Fold Your Clothes?

Daniel Munro @dk_munro Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Daniel Munro @dk_munro Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

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