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Anon is fitness | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/15/18(Sun)09:38:15 No.46816647 >>46816493 (OP) # >always tired >always weak, shaky and nauseous >constantly chainsmoke to stay 30 KB PNG sane >eat 1 (one) small peasant meal every day because poor >lost 50 pounds in a few months >loose skin everywhere on my stomach >"wow anon you look really good! keep it up!"
: Anonymous 07/15/18(Sun)09:38:15 No.46816647 >>46816493 (OP) # >always tired >always weak, shaky and nauseous >constantly chainsmoke to stay 30 KB PNG sane >eat 1 (one) small peasant meal every day because poor >lost 50 pounds in a few months >loose skin everywhere on my stomach >"wow anon you look really good! keep it up!"

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Anon is a WW2 enthusiast | /r/Greentext

>working in a high end restaurant >chef is hard ass german >decide to f--- with him >bartender brings up case of apple juice in cans, and leaves it in the kitchen >snag 3 cans from the case, and crank the oven to 500 >service starts >it's time >place cans of apple juice in the oven >they start to melt and contort, leaking apple juice into the inferno of an oven >chef walks into the kitchen >"VAT IS ZAT HISSING" >try to contain my laughter as k---- chef opens the oven door to see melting cans of juice >k---- chef starts yelling "WHY IZ ZE JEWZ IN ZE OVEN, TAKE ZE JEWZ OUT OF ZE OVEN >entire dining room can hear him >k---- chef never found out that it was me
>working in a high end restaurant >chef is hard ass german >decide to f--- with him >bartender brings up case of apple juice in cans, and leaves it in the kitchen >snag 3 cans from the case, and crank the oven to 500 >service starts >it's time >place cans of apple juice in the oven >they start to melt and contort, leaking apple juice into the inferno of an oven >chef walks into the kitchen >"VAT IS ZAT HISSING" >try to contain my laughter as k---- chef opens the oven door to see melting cans of juice >k---- chef starts yelling "WHY IZ ZE JEWZ IN ZE OVEN, TAKE ZE JEWZ OUT OF ZE OVEN >entire dining room can hear him >k---- chef never found out that it was me

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Anon likes Reddit | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:29:29 No.874599450 ITT: we pretend we're on reddit [removed] 9 KB JPG : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:30:37 No.874599497 >>874599450 (OP) # I'm going to be heavily downvoted for this, but... does anyone else thing OP is a f-----? EDIT: WOW Thanks for the upvotes guys! : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:30:46 No.874599505 If I caught Zelensky with my gf in bed, I'd ask him how many sugars he took in his cofee >>874599809 # : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:35:24 No.874599694 12.8k r/nextfuckinglevel This forward thinking Californian start up is using biodegradable plastic for its dildos 83 KB JPG : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:36:56 No.874599760 Big chungus 420 amogus 69 sus je"sus" transphobia bad homophobia bad racism bad small chungus pewdiepie biggest crossover ever bigger than the mcu black people are always good I have 500 funko pops updoots and downdoots r/pics soyboy r/dankmemes r/memes thanks for the gold kind stranger
: Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:29:29 No.874599450 ITT: we pretend we're on reddit [removed] 9 KB JPG : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:30:37 No.874599497 >>874599450 (OP) # I'm going to be heavily downvoted for this, but... does anyone else thing OP is a f-----? EDIT: WOW Thanks for the upvotes guys! : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:30:46 No.874599505 If I caught Zelensky with my gf in bed, I'd ask him how many sugars he took in his cofee >>874599809 # : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:35:24 No.874599694 12.8k r/nextfuckinglevel This forward thinking Californian start up is using biodegradable plastic for its dildos 83 KB JPG : Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)18:36:56 No.874599760 Big chungus 420 amogus 69 sus je"sus" transphobia bad homophobia bad racism bad small chungus pewdiepie biggest crossover ever bigger than the mcu black people are always good I have 500 funko pops updoots and downdoots r/pics soyboy r/dankmemes r/memes thanks for the gold kind stranger

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Anon plays rust | /r/Greentext

>be me >play rust >meet a deaf guy >tells me he gets bullied in school too >become friends and play ever day >we share loot and play together >one day he kills me calls me f----- and tells me he isnt deaf and im a p---- for getting bullied >mfw my only friend lied to me and stole everything 24 KB JPG View Thread
>be me >play rust >meet a deaf guy >tells me he gets bullied in school too >become friends and play ever day >we share loot and play together >one day he kills me calls me f----- and tells me he isnt deaf and im a p---- for getting bullied >mfw my only friend lied to me and stole everything 24 KB JPG View Thread

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Anon has a mutant jaw | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)10:57:58 No.874600798 Anyone else got a mutant f------ jaw? I got a mutant f------ jaw story >be me, 11yo >getting braces for f----- up teeth >dad had donkey teeth and mom had a small jaw so none of my s--- fits >dentist gives me retainer cause too 16 KB JPG f----- up >says crank one notch every week >okie_dokie.nds >do this for four months, retainer breaks >dentist yells at me for cranking too hard >gives me another one >breaks in one week >gives me a third one >cranks it into my mouth six times >it breaks in front of him >puts me to surgery for braces >i wake up with no braces >"Okay Anon, all done. You can tell your parents we're not doing braces anymore" >think nothing of it and go home Thirteen years later >got a new dentist because of work insurance >he's looking at my file >"What happened with your old dentist" >"Nothing" >shows me the file >the entire last page is one sentence >I GIVE UP, F--- THIS KID >he wrote it across the entire page, print letters >mfw
: Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)10:57:58 No.874600798 Anyone else got a mutant f------ jaw? I got a mutant f------ jaw story >be me, 11yo >getting braces for f----- up teeth >dad had donkey teeth and mom had a small jaw so none of my s--- fits >dentist gives me retainer cause too 16 KB JPG f----- up >says crank one notch every week >okie_dokie.nds >do this for four months, retainer breaks >dentist yells at me for cranking too hard >gives me another one >breaks in one week >gives me a third one >cranks it into my mouth six times >it breaks in front of him >puts me to surgery for braces >i wake up with no braces >"Okay Anon, all done. You can tell your parents we're not doing braces anymore" >think nothing of it and go home Thirteen years later >got a new dentist because of work insurance >he's looking at my file >"What happened with your old dentist" >"Nothing" >shows me the file >the entire last page is one sentence >I GIVE UP, F--- THIS KID >he wrote it across the entire page, print letters >mfw

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Do not take the hololive pill | /r/Greentext

>you're f------ Ame's raw and unwashed s--- hole >her sphincter grips tight and stretches deliciously around your d--- and her insides are slimy >she's grunting softly with every thrust and her BO has filled the 1.01 MB JPG room >suddenly she clenches down >you feel a lumpy yet mushy object hit the tip of your d--- >you both stare at each other in horror >she was too embarrassed to tell you that her tummy hurt earlier and that she's been holding it in >it's a thick one and she won't be able to tell the difference between your d--- sliding out of her a------ and her log accidentally sliding out if you continue >she feels your d--- getting even harder from her explanation and scowls while blushing >with an embarrassed voice, she begs you not to carry on and especially not to c-- inside What do?
>you're f------ Ame's raw and unwashed s--- hole >her sphincter grips tight and stretches deliciously around your d--- and her insides are slimy >she's grunting softly with every thrust and her BO has filled the 1.01 MB JPG room >suddenly she clenches down >you feel a lumpy yet mushy object hit the tip of your d--- >you both stare at each other in horror >she was too embarrassed to tell you that her tummy hurt earlier and that she's been holding it in >it's a thick one and she won't be able to tell the difference between your d--- sliding out of her a------ and her log accidentally sliding out if you continue >she feels your d--- getting even harder from her explanation and scowls while blushing >with an embarrassed voice, she begs you not to carry on and especially not to c-- inside What do?

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OP is most likely dead. | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)21:46:03 No.15780209 I'm a hardcore hololive fan, so many times I would even try to escape reality with lucid dreaming, I would be with all the other EN girls where I would often play with Amelia in her streaming room and help Calliope with her songs, but one day as I was talking to Gura, we went to my dormitory for a private talk. She immediately said, "You know you could live with us forever." I gave her a confused look and she continued, "We understand that you live on earth and you REALLY wish to live here". I then said "How..How did you know?" She then giggled and said "Because we've been watching 21 KB JPG you, silly!" This was a dream come true and I almost cried right there. She then said, "I talked with Yagoo and he agreed that you would be PERFECT for Holostars EN, you just have to do...one thing". She then held my hand and looked deep into my eyes and said "...You have to kill yourself for the transfer to work correctly." I then gave her some questions, "How long do I have before the deal expires?" She then said "Yagoo said 3 months.." I added by saying "What's the most painless way?..." She giggled again, "Suicide will require pain buuut...if you want it quick...Get a gun and a nice shot to the head works. I then agreed and she gave me a kiss on the forehead, "I know this will be tough but once it's over and done, you'll get to live here!" I then woke up and this was last week and i purchased a gun. I might actually kill myself because that dream just felt too real to be fake and my life isn't doing so grand. 15780330 # >15780427 #
Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)21:46:03 No.15780209 I'm a hardcore hololive fan, so many times I would even try to escape reality with lucid dreaming, I would be with all the other EN girls where I would often play with Amelia in her streaming room and help Calliope with her songs, but one day as I was talking to Gura, we went to my dormitory for a private talk. She immediately said, "You know you could live with us forever." I gave her a confused look and she continued, "We understand that you live on earth and you REALLY wish to live here". I then said "How..How did you know?" She then giggled and said "Because we've been watching 21 KB JPG you, silly!" This was a dream come true and I almost cried right there. She then said, "I talked with Yagoo and he agreed that you would be PERFECT for Holostars EN, you just have to do...one thing". She then held my hand and looked deep into my eyes and said "...You have to kill yourself for the transfer to work correctly." I then gave her some questions, "How long do I have before the deal expires?" She then said "Yagoo said 3 months.." I added by saying "What's the most painless way?..." She giggled again, "Suicide will require pain buuut...if you want it quick...Get a gun and a nice shot to the head works. I then agreed and she gave me a kiss on the forehead, "I know this will be tough but once it's over and done, you'll get to live here!" I then woke up and this was last week and i purchased a gun. I might actually kill myself because that dream just felt too real to be fake and my life isn't doing so grand. 15780330 # >15780427 #

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Anon the cool kid | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/17/22(Mon)18:11:42 No.870858186 I got a good one for y'all >be me >4th grade >new class so we're all introducing ourselves >Teacher says to think up an 16 KB PNG adjective that describes us and starts with the first letter of our name >hear my classmates think of stuff like "Strong Shawn" and "Kind Kelly" >can't think of anything >imfreakingout.png >it's my turn now >now or never >"uh..r-r-retarded richard" >whole class laughs >teachers gets mad and sends me to the principal >suspended for a week for ableist language >mfw when i return and the whole class likes me Being a retard has it's perks
: Anonymous 01/17/22(Mon)18:11:42 No.870858186 I got a good one for y'all >be me >4th grade >new class so we're all introducing ourselves >Teacher says to think up an 16 KB PNG adjective that describes us and starts with the first letter of our name >hear my classmates think of stuff like "Strong Shawn" and "Kind Kelly" >can't think of anything >imfreakingout.png >it's my turn now >now or never >"uh..r-r-retarded richard" >whole class laughs >teachers gets mad and sends me to the principal >suspended for a week for ableist language >mfw when i return and the whole class likes me Being a retard has it's perks

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Anon has been lied to | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/13/21(Mon)14:42:31 No.868542367 You'RE A F------ UGLY BITCH. I WANT TO STAB YOU TO DEATH, AND THEN PLAY AROUND WITH YOUR BLOOD. 26113543-00C9-4626-B74A-6E39C3433F7F.gif 510 KB GIF >holiday party for GF's work >cash bar >walk up and order a nignog >"a what?" >"a nignog. You know, hennessy and eggnog." My uncle lied to me, it's not something you can order anywhere
: Anonymous 12/13/21(Mon)14:42:31 No.868542367 You'RE A F------ UGLY BITCH. I WANT TO STAB YOU TO DEATH, AND THEN PLAY AROUND WITH YOUR BLOOD. 26113543-00C9-4626-B74A-6E39C3433F7F.gif 510 KB GIF >holiday party for GF's work >cash bar >walk up and order a nignog >"a what?" >"a nignog. You know, hennessy and eggnog." My uncle lied to me, it's not something you can order anywhere

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Anon gets in trouble | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/19/19(Tue)15:05:02 No.795373028 >Be me >Be 24 year old Czech >See new about NZ shooting on facebook, >write in comment "Justice, was just a matter of time before they get the same treatmet as they have been giving to the world for last couple 140 KB JPG decades" >Get visited by police 2 days later informing me that i have commited a crime of "approoving of a terrorist attack" which carries sentence up to 12 years. >What do i do? I got 12 days before i need to show up in court
: Anonymous 03/19/19(Tue)15:05:02 No.795373028 >Be me >Be 24 year old Czech >See new about NZ shooting on facebook, >write in comment "Justice, was just a matter of time before they get the same treatmet as they have been giving to the world for last couple 140 KB JPG decades" >Get visited by police 2 days later informing me that i have commited a crime of "approoving of a terrorist attack" which carries sentence up to 12 years. >What do i do? I got 12 days before i need to show up in court

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Anon is American | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Born In the USA 06/22/18(Fri)17:34:29 No.6826333 >Be Me >American >Internet's down >Bored >Go Outside >Don't get shot because most gun owners are completely cautious and safe people and 68 KB JPG exceptions are rare >Go back inside >Get stabbed by wife
: Anonymous Born In the USA 06/22/18(Fri)17:34:29 No.6826333 >Be Me >American >Internet's down >Bored >Go Outside >Don't get shot because most gun owners are completely cautious and safe people and 68 KB JPG exceptions are rare >Go back inside >Get stabbed by wife

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Anon loses his virginity | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/28/21(Sun)21:07:25 No.62950365 The Virgin Chad >hire a h----- >tell her I'm a virgin >not actually a virgin, have had plenty of sex >but when she thinks it's my first time, she's very gentle and sensual, and I get to act nervous and submissive, which really turns 34 KB JPG me on >when I act all amazed when I touch boobs "for the first time", it actually feels more special to me >I love how caring she is and how she takes the lead if she thinks she's deflowering me >when I finish, she cuddles with me and calls me a good boy I've done this with about 20 different hookers now and I can't stop.
: Anonymous 03/28/21(Sun)21:07:25 No.62950365 The Virgin Chad >hire a h----- >tell her I'm a virgin >not actually a virgin, have had plenty of sex >but when she thinks it's my first time, she's very gentle and sensual, and I get to act nervous and submissive, which really turns 34 KB JPG me on >when I act all amazed when I touch boobs "for the first time", it actually feels more special to me >I love how caring she is and how she takes the lead if she thinks she's deflowering me >when I finish, she cuddles with me and calls me a good boy I've done this with about 20 different hookers now and I can't stop.

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Anon in wedding ceremony | /r/Greentext

Anonymous (ID: 1oSt+IU7 ) 03/16/22(Wed)22:19:59 No.47296825 >>47296901 >>47296948 >>47297617 File: 361A47B6-E07E-4F8C-ACED-D(...).jpg (282 KB, 1125x1412) >I SEE YOUVE BROUGHT YOUR CHILDREN TO OUR WEDDING! AS YOU'LL NOTE ONT HE INVITATION, THIS WAS NOT ADDRESSED TO THE SMITH FAMILY, BUT RATHER MR. AND MRS. SMITH ONLY! >PLEASE REMOVE YOUR LITTLE SNOT NOSED CROTCH DEMON FROM OUR WEDDING IMMEDIATELY! >WE ARE GETTING MARRIED AND WE MAKE THE RULES! THIS CEREMONY WILL BE CHILD FREE, UNPLUGGED, AND COVID SAFE! Anonymous (ID: wYjK9Aq ) 03/16/22(Wed)22:25:51 No.47296948 File: img.png (527 KB, 882x1153) >>47297420 >>47296825 >NO00O!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT AT A PRIVATE VENUE!! THIS IS COMMUNISM!!!! >HOW DARE YOU DENY ENTRY TO MY SELF-STYLED REASON FOR EXISTENCE!!!!!! >MY 85 IQ TRAILERPARK OFFSPRING MUST BE ADMITTED!!! >NO00000!!!!!!|
Anonymous (ID: 1oSt+IU7 ) 03/16/22(Wed)22:19:59 No.47296825 >>47296901 >>47296948 >>47297617 File: 361A47B6-E07E-4F8C-ACED-D(...).jpg (282 KB, 1125x1412) >I SEE YOUVE BROUGHT YOUR CHILDREN TO OUR WEDDING! AS YOU'LL NOTE ONT HE INVITATION, THIS WAS NOT ADDRESSED TO THE SMITH FAMILY, BUT RATHER MR. AND MRS. SMITH ONLY! >PLEASE REMOVE YOUR LITTLE SNOT NOSED CROTCH DEMON FROM OUR WEDDING IMMEDIATELY! >WE ARE GETTING MARRIED AND WE MAKE THE RULES! THIS CEREMONY WILL BE CHILD FREE, UNPLUGGED, AND COVID SAFE! Anonymous (ID: wYjK9Aq ) 03/16/22(Wed)22:25:51 No.47296948 File: img.png (527 KB, 882x1153) >>47297420 >>47296825 >NO00O!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT AT A PRIVATE VENUE!! THIS IS COMMUNISM!!!! >HOW DARE YOU DENY ENTRY TO MY SELF-STYLED REASON FOR EXISTENCE!!!!!! >MY 85 IQ TRAILERPARK OFFSPRING MUST BE ADMITTED!!! >NO00000!!!!!!|

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anon writes sad poem about dog | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 796561859 4 hr. ago >13 years >ever since I got you you were always with me >as a pup you would run around while tripping over everything >you would sneak under the table to catch the ball I threw you >you would always be happy and wag your tail smacking it all over the place >you would go into my room to steal my stuff just so you could get a treat by bringing it to me >you would make me mad by jumping on the counter and eating the big stake I made for myself >you would make me happy by cuddling with me on the couch >you would make me sad by getting old >13 years since I got you, and now you 65.0 kB JPG go away
Anonymous | 796561859 4 hr. ago >13 years >ever since I got you you were always with me >as a pup you would run around while tripping over everything >you would sneak under the table to catch the ball I threw you >you would always be happy and wag your tail smacking it all over the place >you would go into my room to steal my stuff just so you could get a treat by bringing it to me >you would make me mad by jumping on the counter and eating the big stake I made for myself >you would make me happy by cuddling with me on the couch >you would make me sad by getting old >13 years since I got you, and now you 65.0 kB JPG go away

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Anon makes a friend | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 09/01/18(Sat)21:45:41 No.47881800 >walk out of restaurant >see cat >it walks towards me >pet cat >happy thank you parking lot kitty 10 KB JPG
: Anonymous 09/01/18(Sat)21:45:41 No.47881800 >walk out of restaurant >see cat >it walks towards me >pet cat >happy thank you parking lot kitty 10 KB JPG

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See you later virgins | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/19/22(Sat)23:38:26 No.67501076 >be me 5 years ago >buying a bed at store >store owner asks whats wrong with the old one >told her I was jumping on the bed 40 KB JPG >she gets flustered and changes the subject >just now realised "jumping on the bed" is a euphemism for sex >she thought i was having sex >was actually just jumping on the bed
: Anonymous 02/19/22(Sat)23:38:26 No.67501076 >be me 5 years ago >buying a bed at store >store owner asks whats wrong with the old one >told her I was jumping on the bed 40 KB JPG >she gets flustered and changes the subject >just now realised "jumping on the bed" is a euphemism for sex >she thought i was having sex >was actually just jumping on the bed

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Anon is a massive tf2 fan | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)12:29:19 No.874585074 >be me >be fan of tf2 >love sniper >have figurine and body pillow >gotta smash >match with girl on tinder >whatasexysheila.mp3 >chat her up, eventually convince her to come to the 21 KB JPG sniper den >realizing on the way to my room >ohfuck.png >I left all my tf2 s--- out in the open >too late >she comes inside my room >sees my jarate >sees my body pillow I forgot to hide >sees my figurine >sees posters of commissioned art of sniper >sees hl2.exe open >looks at me with unbridled disgust >oh god what do >tard panick >flick her on the head with my finger >whisper under my breath >"boom headshawt" I haven't heard back from her since.
: Anonymous 03/17/22(Thu)12:29:19 No.874585074 >be me >be fan of tf2 >love sniper >have figurine and body pillow >gotta smash >match with girl on tinder >whatasexysheila.mp3 >chat her up, eventually convince her to come to the 21 KB JPG sniper den >realizing on the way to my room >ohfuck.png >I left all my tf2 s--- out in the open >too late >she comes inside my room >sees my jarate >sees my body pillow I forgot to hide >sees my figurine >sees posters of commissioned art of sniper >sees hl2.exe open >looks at me with unbridled disgust >oh god what do >tard panick >flick her on the head with my finger >whisper under my breath >"boom headshawt" I haven't heard back from her since.

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Looks like we're doing something right | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/18/19(Sun)18:57:58 No.807454171 >be me > bored loser looking on internet for funny memes > go on /b/ > cartoon trans squirrel s------- on cartoon trans horse >scroll down 59 KB PNG > ratemydick.jpg >scroll down > animaltorture.mp4 >f--- this > go on reddit >be redditfag > read funny greentexts >mfw r/greentexts is better than /b/
: Anonymous 08/18/19(Sun)18:57:58 No.807454171 >be me > bored loser looking on internet for funny memes > go on /b/ > cartoon trans squirrel s------- on cartoon trans horse >scroll down 59 KB PNG > ratemydick.jpg >scroll down > animaltorture.mp4 >f--- this > go on reddit >be redditfag > read funny greentexts >mfw r/greentexts is better than /b/

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czech chad pm | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/18(Sat)08:34:51 No.46624719 > be czech pm > head of government > send tweet after dinna > "LMAO, off with ma budz from Poland and Slovenia to see our boi Zelensky 131 KB JPG > goes AWOL for night > "this fake. cant be true" > morning > mfs show up in bombarded Kyiv without any security guarantees from Russian side > "we wanna show u that u not alone in this" > Zelenskyy happy af > Ukrainians happy af > leaves
: Anonymous 07/07/18(Sat)08:34:51 No.46624719 > be czech pm > head of government > send tweet after dinna > "LMAO, off with ma budz from Poland and Slovenia to see our boi Zelensky 131 KB JPG > goes AWOL for night > "this fake. cant be true" > morning > mfs show up in bombarded Kyiv without any security guarantees from Russian side > "we wanna show u that u not alone in this" > Zelenskyy happy af > Ukrainians happy af > leaves

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Anon is sarcastic | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/24/21(Sat)00:53:44 No.852792905 >be me >Tuesday at school >it's 5th period and l'm bored as s--- >turn to my friend and say "don't come to school on may 2nd lol >next day I get called into the 19 KB JPG guidance counselors office >start talking about how they think I'm dangerous and that l'm gonna shoot up the school >mfw May 2nd is a f------ sunday
: Anonymous 04/24/21(Sat)00:53:44 No.852792905 >be me >Tuesday at school >it's 5th period and l'm bored as s--- >turn to my friend and say "don't come to school on may 2nd lol >next day I get called into the 19 KB JPG guidance counselors office >start talking about how they think I'm dangerous and that l'm gonna shoot up the school >mfw May 2nd is a f------ sunday

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