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Anon has a dog | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/24/18(Wed)22:50:16 No.48900416 >dog keeps mauling the neighbourhood children >have to dye his fur a different colour every time, so he doesn't get put down >s--- still keeps happening, though >probably spent half my income on 1.68 MB GIF dyes >honestly don't plan on doing much else about it >mainly because I think the snot noises deserve it >but still >for each mauling, I panic >for fear of the police, parents, or mass hysteria, etc >been going on for nearly a year now >yet still somehow don't suspect me >and the worst part is, they legitimately believe there's a pack of neon-coloured malamutes hiding out nearby F------ kill me.
: Anonymous 10/24/18(Wed)22:50:16 No.48900416 >dog keeps mauling the neighbourhood children >have to dye his fur a different colour every time, so he doesn't get put down >s--- still keeps happening, though >probably spent half my income on 1.68 MB GIF dyes >honestly don't plan on doing much else about it >mainly because I think the snot noises deserve it >but still >for each mauling, I panic >for fear of the police, parents, or mass hysteria, etc >been going on for nearly a year now >yet still somehow don't suspect me >and the worst part is, they legitimately believe there's a pack of neon-coloured malamutes hiding out nearby F------ kill me.

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Anon sings | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)17:06:15 No.49245722 >**Tap tap tap tap** >Excuse me everyone >Girls go to college to get more knowledge! >Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider! 34 KB JPG : Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)17:07:51 No.49245751 >>49245722 (OP) # >Testing one two testing one two >**Sniff sniff** >N------ go to mars to get behind bars! 14 KB JPG >>49245763 # >>49248606 # >>49249276 # >>49249311 # : Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)17:08:39 No.49245763 >>49245751 # >>49245722 (OP) # >Thank you everyone! >You have been a wonderful audience. 33 KB JPG >>49245875 # >>49248606 # >>49249311 #
: Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)17:06:15 No.49245722 >**Tap tap tap tap** >Excuse me everyone >Girls go to college to get more knowledge! >Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider! 34 KB JPG : Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)17:07:51 No.49245751 >>49245722 (OP) # >Testing one two testing one two >**Sniff sniff** >N------ go to mars to get behind bars! 14 KB JPG >>49245763 # >>49248606 # >>49249276 # >>49249311 # : Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)17:08:39 No.49245763 >>49245751 # >>49245722 (OP) # >Thank you everyone! >You have been a wonderful audience. 33 KB JPG >>49245875 # >>49248606 # >>49249311 #

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Anon hits a car | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)07:10:54 No.784688427 >>784681673 Damn kids and the internet. >find a car parked in some urban sidewalk >hit said car 22 KB PNG >sideswipe it real good >drive away >buy movie tickets to newest 'marvel' or sheeple blockbuster >write a letter telling them you felt so bad about hitting their car >bought them a gift to make up for it >put tickets in envelope with letter >return to scene of crime >leave letter under windshield wiper >wait for them to take it >wait for them to go to the movie >rob their house >gg ez
: Anonymous 11/12/18(Mon)07:10:54 No.784688427 >>784681673 Damn kids and the internet. >find a car parked in some urban sidewalk >hit said car 22 KB PNG >sideswipe it real good >drive away >buy movie tickets to newest 'marvel' or sheeple blockbuster >write a letter telling them you felt so bad about hitting their car >bought them a gift to make up for it >put tickets in envelope with letter >return to scene of crime >leave letter under windshield wiper >wait for them to take it >wait for them to go to the movie >rob their house >gg ez

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Anon does art | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous Anon is artistic 01/09/19(Wed)09:46:03 No.50327214 >be me >be today >parents want to talk with me >okay whatever.mp3 >tell me l'm artistic R >be happy >say I always liked drawing >fulltardmode.mp3 50 KB JPG >they start crying >go play vidya >mfw pic slightly related
: Anonymous Anon is artistic 01/09/19(Wed)09:46:03 No.50327214 >be me >be today >parents want to talk with me >okay whatever.mp3 >tell me l'm artistic R >be happy >say I always liked drawing >fulltardmode.mp3 50 KB JPG >they start crying >go play vidya >mfw pic slightly related

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Anon met a modern girl | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/17/22(Thu)00:15:28 No.872810688 >in club >meet girl >has mask on bc covid >it's dark but shes cute from what I can tell >dance for a bit 73 KB JPG >go to bathroom >she takes down her mask to kiss me >notice she had a light mustache >it was a cross dresser I was wondered why her d--- was bigger than mine
: Anonymous 02/17/22(Thu)00:15:28 No.872810688 >in club >meet girl >has mask on bc covid >it's dark but shes cute from what I can tell >dance for a bit 73 KB JPG >go to bathroom >she takes down her mask to kiss me >notice she had a light mustache >it was a cross dresser I was wondered why her d--- was bigger than mine

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Anon needs fitness plans!! | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/02/17(Sun)11:57:40 No.737628777 >be me. 5'11" 260 pounds. Yes I'm fat. >my life consists of cleaning out the trashcans and wiping s--- off of hospital floors >know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks 61 KB PNG now. >he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently >"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that f------ weight so you don't die a fat slob" >he died today I don't know how to feel : Anonymous 07/02/17(Sun)11:59:10 No.737628906 Lose the weight fgt >>737630720 #
: Anonymous 07/02/17(Sun)11:57:40 No.737628777 >be me. 5'11" 260 pounds. Yes I'm fat. >my life consists of cleaning out the trashcans and wiping s--- off of hospital floors >know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks 61 KB PNG now. >he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently >"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that f------ weight so you don't die a fat slob" >he died today I don't know how to feel : Anonymous 07/02/17(Sun)11:59:10 No.737628906 Lose the weight fgt >>737630720 #

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Anon plays with slow motion | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/16/16(Tue)12:38:16 No.699741454 >>699735884 (OP) # >get iPhone 5s >play with slow motion video >wanted to see my d--- hit something in slow motion. >hit erect d--- on dresser >watched replay >f------ sweet >thought gf would like to see. >video doesn't send in slow motion >normal paced video of me beating the f--- out of my dresser with my c---. >gf thinks I'm a psycho. >breaks up with me. >If it wasn't so funny, I would have cared. >>699741592 # >>699741696 # >>699741789 # >>699741902 # >>699741980 #
: Anonymous 08/16/16(Tue)12:38:16 No.699741454 >>699735884 (OP) # >get iPhone 5s >play with slow motion video >wanted to see my d--- hit something in slow motion. >hit erect d--- on dresser >watched replay >f------ sweet >thought gf would like to see. >video doesn't send in slow motion >normal paced video of me beating the f--- out of my dresser with my c---. >gf thinks I'm a psycho. >breaks up with me. >If it wasn't so funny, I would have cared. >>699741592 # >>699741696 # >>699741789 # >>699741902 # >>699741980 #

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Anon hits a girl | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 11/17/18(Sat)18:17:01 No.49343343 >3rd grade >grew up with dad, had an absentee mom >Told me to hit people back if they hit me first, didn't tell me it doesn't here we go apply to girls >in class, a roastie talks s--- to me 34 KB JPG for no reason >politely told her to stop, kept talking s---. >she eventually shoves me >whothefuckisthisbitch >slam one on her face >flies across the room, knocked unconscious with her skull cracked and starting to bleed >class runs away in fear of me >principal comes down >screams at me and calls the cops >got fired later that day >f---
: Anonymous 11/17/18(Sat)18:17:01 No.49343343 >3rd grade >grew up with dad, had an absentee mom >Told me to hit people back if they hit me first, didn't tell me it doesn't here we go apply to girls >in class, a roastie talks s--- to me 34 KB JPG for no reason >politely told her to stop, kept talking s---. >she eventually shoves me >whothefuckisthisbitch >slam one on her face >flies across the room, knocked unconscious with her skull cracked and starting to bleed >class runs away in fear of me >principal comes down >screams at me and calls the cops >got fired later that day >f---

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Anon is raging | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/22/18(Mon)11:36:28 No.782965732 Spotify mobile app is GARBAGE > Get ad > Ok > Search one song i want to play > No play button, just "shuffle play > Press it in the hope that it'll play the song i want first or at least stuff related to the 65 KB JPG artist > Nope, purely random s--- > Add to playlist instead > Go to playlist > Press song > Plays preview instead of whole song > F------ raging at this point > Press "play playlist" > Only have like 3 songs in list > Plays a song I didn't even add > Skip to next song > "You only have 6 skips per 30 minutes!" > Fuckingwannadie.jpg > Only plays s--- that's not even in my playlist but spotify decided to add > Spotify says "MAYBE INSTEAD OF SKIPPING EDIT PLAYLIST?" > Smashingphone.gif > Edit playlist, remove songs spotify added > SPOTIFY KEEPS ADDING SONGS > Go to settings, can I disable this? > no > F------ uninstalled
: Anonymous 10/22/18(Mon)11:36:28 No.782965732 Spotify mobile app is GARBAGE > Get ad > Ok > Search one song i want to play > No play button, just "shuffle play > Press it in the hope that it'll play the song i want first or at least stuff related to the 65 KB JPG artist > Nope, purely random s--- > Add to playlist instead > Go to playlist > Press song > Plays preview instead of whole song > F------ raging at this point > Press "play playlist" > Only have like 3 songs in list > Plays a song I didn't even add > Skip to next song > "You only have 6 skips per 30 minutes!" > Fuckingwannadie.jpg > Only plays s--- that's not even in my playlist but spotify decided to add > Spotify says "MAYBE INSTEAD OF SKIPPING EDIT PLAYLIST?" > Smashingphone.gif > Edit playlist, remove songs spotify added > SPOTIFY KEEPS ADDING SONGS > Go to settings, can I disable this? > no > F------ uninstalled

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anons don't ask questions | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)21:46:00 No.872826705 Years ago, an image was posted here of dismembered body parts in a freezer. I submitted an anonymous tip to the FBI and spoke to them during legal proceedings, and now, a few weeks ago, I learned they finally caught the guy. AMA 35 KB JPG : Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)21:47:58 No.872826803 >>872826705 (OP) # Just a heads up, I will not disclose the name of the agent in charge of the investigation. : Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)21:48:28 No.872826823 >>872826705 (OP) # Snitch. ANGERY 35 KB JPG
: Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)21:46:00 No.872826705 Years ago, an image was posted here of dismembered body parts in a freezer. I submitted an anonymous tip to the FBI and spoke to them during legal proceedings, and now, a few weeks ago, I learned they finally caught the guy. AMA 35 KB JPG : Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)21:47:58 No.872826803 >>872826705 (OP) # Just a heads up, I will not disclose the name of the agent in charge of the investigation. : Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)21:48:28 No.872826823 >>872826705 (OP) # Snitch. ANGERY 35 KB JPG

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Anon needs fitness plans!! | /r/Greentext


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British spy | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous (ID: fvgOASRK 05/02/18(Wed)05:24:49 No.170173465 >be top tier british spy >need a licence to kill 59 KB JPG
: Anonymous (ID: fvgOASRK 05/02/18(Wed)05:24:49 No.170173465 >be top tier british spy >need a licence to kill 59 KB JPG

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Anon invents a new phrase | /r/Greentext


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Anon is a gentleman | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/16/21(Tue)11:58:35 No.849733154 >be me >a good boy >eating tendies >a wendys worker cutie girl delivers my dewy >mom tells me to thank her 24 KB JPG >this girl is waifu material >thank you m'lady >she starts yelling that she does not identify as a lady and that her pronouns are them/they >sorry, m'theydy >they gift me a box of tendies >life is good
: Anonymous 03/16/21(Tue)11:58:35 No.849733154 >be me >a good boy >eating tendies >a wendys worker cutie girl delivers my dewy >mom tells me to thank her 24 KB JPG >this girl is waifu material >thank you m'lady >she starts yelling that she does not identify as a lady and that her pronouns are them/they >sorry, m'theydy >they gift me a box of tendies >life is good

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Anon lives in Hawaii | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous (ID: OUNXejco ) 01/13/18(Sat)19:25:35 No.3724530 >live in Hawaii 8:08 >spend 5 years and over $100,000 on making a doomsday shelter >everyone makes fun of you because of making a doomsday shelter and spending so much on it >iwillshowthemoneday.mov >wake up because of loud noise coming from Saturday, January 13 A er axts Enereny Aet BALUSTIC MStAE HeAT OOUND TO HA MIK RATE LTEN TH NOTA ORLL 180 KB JPG phone >look at phone >ballistic missile coming straight towards Hawaii >H-------- THIS IS IT >drive 10 minutes to shelter >people begging to get in >"YOU ALL LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS, WHOS LAUGHING NOW?" >enough food and water for over 2 years >hellyeah.jpg >news is going around everywhere >see video about mokes taking shelter in storm drains >peasants >get alert from phone >false. alarm. >ARE YOU F------ KIDDING ME
: Anonymous (ID: OUNXejco ) 01/13/18(Sat)19:25:35 No.3724530 >live in Hawaii 8:08 >spend 5 years and over $100,000 on making a doomsday shelter >everyone makes fun of you because of making a doomsday shelter and spending so much on it >iwillshowthemoneday.mov >wake up because of loud noise coming from Saturday, January 13 A er axts Enereny Aet BALUSTIC MStAE HeAT OOUND TO HA MIK RATE LTEN TH NOTA ORLL 180 KB JPG phone >look at phone >ballistic missile coming straight towards Hawaii >H-------- THIS IS IT >drive 10 minutes to shelter >people begging to get in >"YOU ALL LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS, WHOS LAUGHING NOW?" >enough food and water for over 2 years >hellyeah.jpg >news is going around everywhere >see video about mokes taking shelter in storm drains >peasants >get alert from phone >false. alarm. >ARE YOU F------ KIDDING ME

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Anon works | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/15/21(Mon)15:11:46 No.849659169 >be me >work as a phone salesman >95% of calls are old peope >nobody ever actually buys anything >get paid per time spent in calls >most old people are lonely and 110 KB PNG just want to talk >talk to old people about how they water their plants for hours >basically everyone at my job just talks to old people for 12 hours a day >even have regular callers that know us by names >supposed to advertise products but i actually just talk to grandma Lauren every day for 8 hours about how she used to live back in the day >she appears to forget what she said, repeats the same thing 10s of times. >my job is basically to register when Lauren made a pause in her speech and say "Very interesting, keep going"
: Anonymous 03/15/21(Mon)15:11:46 No.849659169 >be me >work as a phone salesman >95% of calls are old peope >nobody ever actually buys anything >get paid per time spent in calls >most old people are lonely and 110 KB PNG just want to talk >talk to old people about how they water their plants for hours >basically everyone at my job just talks to old people for 12 hours a day >even have regular callers that know us by names >supposed to advertise products but i actually just talk to grandma Lauren every day for 8 hours about how she used to live back in the day >she appears to forget what she said, repeats the same thing 10s of times. >my job is basically to register when Lauren made a pause in her speech and say "Very interesting, keep going"

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anon blazes it | /r/Greentext

Blaze it >Be me >17 year old betafag >High school dropout with no job >Blaze it >Me and my friends drive around in a goddamn hippie van all day >Jock, nerd, and a hot girl >super.generic(af)// >Might as well blaze it >Parents named me friggin Norville >NoChancelnHellWithAGril.exe 30.1 kB JPG >Everyone knows the jock and the hot girl are bangin >"solvingmysteries://html >Why not blaze it >High as balls >Swear to god the dog just said my name >mfw
Blaze it >Be me >17 year old betafag >High school dropout with no job >Blaze it >Me and my friends drive around in a goddamn hippie van all day >Jock, nerd, and a hot girl >super.generic(af)// >Might as well blaze it >Parents named me friggin Norville >NoChancelnHellWithAGril.exe 30.1 kB JPG >Everyone knows the jock and the hot girl are bangin >"solvingmysteries://html >Why not blaze it >High as balls >Swear to god the dog just said my name >mfw

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Anon wants a gore thread | /r/Greentext

38m (2/16 20:56) · 872827246 2 Re · 0 Img · PNG 8KB (227 × 222) 1 Reply I DONT SEE ANY GORE THREADS TONIGHT INEEDGORE 10m (2/16 21:25) · 872828770 you are mentally deranged 8m (2/16 21:26) · 872828858 >>872827246 (OP) Cut your d--- off. Film it. Watch the video. >There's your gore. >Now f--- off, retard. •..
38m (2/16 20:56) · 872827246 2 Re · 0 Img · PNG 8KB (227 × 222) 1 Reply I DONT SEE ANY GORE THREADS TONIGHT INEEDGORE 10m (2/16 21:25) · 872828770 you are mentally deranged 8m (2/16 21:26) · 872828858 >>872827246 (OP) Cut your d--- off. Film it. Watch the video. >There's your gore. >Now f--- off, retard. •..

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wholesome momkey | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)15:31:30 No.67454105 >be me, 6 years old >mom brings me to zoo >autistic obsession with monkes, spend the whole time at the primate exhibit >on the way out, see a stand selling picrelated 23 KB JPG >beg, scream, and cry until my mom finally caves in >euphoric.png >tfw now have the coolest most based f------ hat in the entire planet >happiest day of my entire life, never forget 12 years later she's dead and i still have the monke hat somewhere in a box out in my garage. i don't have the heart to get rid of it and if i ever have kids im going to give it to them. i love you and i miss you mom, im so sorry for everything
: Anonymous 02/16/22(Wed)15:31:30 No.67454105 >be me, 6 years old >mom brings me to zoo >autistic obsession with monkes, spend the whole time at the primate exhibit >on the way out, see a stand selling picrelated 23 KB JPG >beg, scream, and cry until my mom finally caves in >euphoric.png >tfw now have the coolest most based f------ hat in the entire planet >happiest day of my entire life, never forget 12 years later she's dead and i still have the monke hat somewhere in a box out in my garage. i don't have the heart to get rid of it and if i ever have kids im going to give it to them. i love you and i miss you mom, im so sorry for everything

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Goldfish pond | /r/Greentext

>be me >in college >talking to qt3.14 >run out of topics >panicensues.gif >decide to lie to keep FEEL TEAM SIX 46 KB JPG conversation going >tell her I have a goldfish pond in my backyard >wutdafuqm8.jpg >"That's so cool, you think I could come see it sometime?" >howdidthatwork.png >exchange numbers, realize what I've done >go home and promptly dig a goldfish pond and fill it with water >get necessary items from pet store (filter, plants, goldfish, etc.) >pond is f------ amazing >go to contact girl >girl never responds to my calls/texts >3 years later I'm still taking care of 14 goldfish in my back yard >one has had babies and two more are pregnant >mfw the goldfish are having more sex than me
>be me >in college >talking to qt3.14 >run out of topics >panicensues.gif >decide to lie to keep FEEL TEAM SIX 46 KB JPG conversation going >tell her I have a goldfish pond in my backyard >wutdafuqm8.jpg >"That's so cool, you think I could come see it sometime?" >howdidthatwork.png >exchange numbers, realize what I've done >go home and promptly dig a goldfish pond and fill it with water >get necessary items from pet store (filter, plants, goldfish, etc.) >pond is f------ amazing >go to contact girl >girl never responds to my calls/texts >3 years later I'm still taking care of 14 goldfish in my back yard >one has had babies and two more are pregnant >mfw the goldfish are having more sex than me

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