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Sire, this man hath not lain with a maiden for 27 harvests | /r/Greentext


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Anon has no girlfriend | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous [•1 10/25/17(Wed)18:23:22 No.81016259 1507072835073.png 559 KB PNG >There are infinite universes where I have a gf >This isn't one of them
: Anonymous [•1 10/25/17(Wed)18:23:22 No.81016259 1507072835073.png 559 KB PNG >There are infinite universes where I have a gf >This isn't one of them

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More than likely a repost, can't not share it though | /r/Greentext


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Anon buys groceries | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/14/21(Fri)22:30:03 No.854416103 >be me manlet 5'6 >riding train with a s--- load of groceries and a 10 kg cat litter bag >tall girl with raspy voice stands next to me >looked 20-22 at least 4 ears 525 KB PNG younger than me would you like some help with that? >instant boner
: Anonymous 05/14/21(Fri)22:30:03 No.854416103 >be me manlet 5'6 >riding train with a s--- load of groceries and a 10 kg cat litter bag >tall girl with raspy voice stands next to me >looked 20-22 at least 4 ears 525 KB PNG younger than me would you like some help with that? >instant boner

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Anon shows you something cool | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)21:14:00 No.66824739 Yo you wanna see something cool? go to google and type "do a barrel roll" 24 KB PNG 5 Replies / 3 Images View Thread : Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)21:19:09 No.66824796 >>66824739 (OP) # How old are you OP? Just curious. >>66824847 # >>66824957 # : Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)21:22:18 No.66824847 >>66824796 # 29 years of age how old are you n-----? cco0 4071 H
: Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)21:14:00 No.66824739 Yo you wanna see something cool? go to google and type "do a barrel roll" 24 KB PNG 5 Replies / 3 Images View Thread : Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)21:19:09 No.66824796 >>66824739 (OP) # How old are you OP? Just curious. >>66824847 # >>66824957 # : Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)21:22:18 No.66824847 >>66824796 # 29 years of age how old are you n-----? cco0 4071 H

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Anon has a pet cougar | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:41:45 No.60562398 Help, I bought a pet cougar from my friend who moved away from our state (texas) to north carolina and I have no idea what to do with it, I feed it large amounts of cat food and meat and I let it roam free at night. Recently it brought a dog home that it killed and the dog had a collar. I had to burn the dog multiple times to erase evidence of it and now I need help getting rid of larry. Larry the couger is huge and it can probably kill a human if provoked. How do I get 81 KB JPG rid of him. Please help : Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:43:55 No.60562418 get a f------ gun and shoot it : Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:44:12 No.60562419 : Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:46:15 No.60562444 that sounds like a very nice friend you made there anon. take good care of him and he will protect you from all your enemies
: Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:41:45 No.60562398 Help, I bought a pet cougar from my friend who moved away from our state (texas) to north carolina and I have no idea what to do with it, I feed it large amounts of cat food and meat and I let it roam free at night. Recently it brought a dog home that it killed and the dog had a collar. I had to burn the dog multiple times to erase evidence of it and now I need help getting rid of larry. Larry the couger is huge and it can probably kill a human if provoked. How do I get 81 KB JPG rid of him. Please help : Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:43:55 No.60562418 get a f------ gun and shoot it : Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:44:12 No.60562419 : Anonymous 10/21/20(Wed)04:46:15 No.60562444 that sounds like a very nice friend you made there anon. take good care of him and he will protect you from all your enemies

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Anon regrets his decisions | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/01/22(Sat)23:21:09 No.66807627 >be me >huge weeb >out of anime to watch and bored out of my mind >youtube recomened meThe Cll of Chtulu's audiobook >it has a slow start but I decided to keep listening to it because I 17 KB PNG have nothing better to do >wft halfway through it and it has a better mystery than any anime >story end >litteraly coolest s--- ever >suddenly I start crying >tfw i realized that not only is anime is garbage and the normies were right but I have wasted half of my life being addicted to it
: Anonymous 01/01/22(Sat)23:21:09 No.66807627 >be me >huge weeb >out of anime to watch and bored out of my mind >youtube recomened meThe Cll of Chtulu's audiobook >it has a slow start but I decided to keep listening to it because I 17 KB PNG have nothing better to do >wft halfway through it and it has a better mystery than any anime >story end >litteraly coolest s--- ever >suddenly I start crying >tfw i realized that not only is anime is garbage and the normies were right but I have wasted half of my life being addicted to it

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Anon wants to wrestle too | /r/Greentext

I Anonymous 11/21/18(Wed)23:32:49 No.49421089 >wake up >lick salt lamp >time to f--- bitches up >get on computer and open tf2 >i'm bouncing up and down 77 KB JPG with excitement >hear moaning from another room >sneak into mums room and see her wrestling with new daddy >decide to join and do a big body slam next to them >"Who the f--- is this?" new daddy says >"Anon GET OUT" mum says >instinctively slap her for raising her voice to me when i didn't violate any of the rules >new daddy slaps me and we slap fight >he begins to cheat and use his fists >CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER >swiftly break his neck and jump off the bed
I Anonymous 11/21/18(Wed)23:32:49 No.49421089 >wake up >lick salt lamp >time to f--- bitches up >get on computer and open tf2 >i'm bouncing up and down 77 KB JPG with excitement >hear moaning from another room >sneak into mums room and see her wrestling with new daddy >decide to join and do a big body slam next to them >"Who the f--- is this?" new daddy says >"Anon GET OUT" mum says >instinctively slap her for raising her voice to me when i didn't violate any of the rules >new daddy slaps me and we slap fight >he begins to cheat and use his fists >CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER >swiftly break his neck and jump off the bed

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Anon job hunts | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/16/21(Mon)09:56:42 No.65002817 >Your interview went quite well anon, I have to say! >But... I can't offer you the position. 56 KB JPG >See, we want the general public to feel 'safe' when shopping here, and unfortunately for you, you have that particular 'look' which makes people uncomfortable... I think it's the weak jawline. >l hope this experience hasn't discouraged you since I wish you the best of luck :) 2 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 08/16/21(Mon)09:57:47 No.65002826 You've made a powerful enemy today Bethany.
: Anonymous 08/16/21(Mon)09:56:42 No.65002817 >Your interview went quite well anon, I have to say! >But... I can't offer you the position. 56 KB JPG >See, we want the general public to feel 'safe' when shopping here, and unfortunately for you, you have that particular 'look' which makes people uncomfortable... I think it's the weak jawline. >l hope this experience hasn't discouraged you since I wish you the best of luck :) 2 Replies View Thread : Anonymous 08/16/21(Mon)09:57:47 No.65002826 You've made a powerful enemy today Bethany.

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Anon wins the divorce | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 11 hours ago 769969141 Sorry I suck at Greentext. >Catch my now ex-wife cheating on me. >Pretend nothing is wrong but turn into a manipulative sociopath. >Break gas gauge in her car. Siphon gas out randomly so she's always running out. >Get a nanny cam that's hidden in a lamp. Get video of her f------ around. >Find out everything I can about the guy she's f------. >lol dance instructor. >Find out he's looking for work, get ahold of his resume. >Rework it so it's not retarded, impersonate him, and get him an interview at a studio 2 states away. Dream job, if you're a f--. >He bites. Takes the job and after some mushy b------- ghosts my wife. >Meanwhile I start siphoning money out of our accounts slowly and keep the cash hidden away in my truck in a lockbox. Put away $10k. >lt's time. >Wait for her to be dead asleep, unlock her phone and turn off alarms on days that the coin I flip turns up heads. >She gets fired. Calls me bawling her eyes out. >When she gets home my wedding ring is on the table with her laptop playing the video of them f------. Next to that is a copy of the divorce petition. 10 REPLIES
Anonymous 11 hours ago 769969141 Sorry I suck at Greentext. >Catch my now ex-wife cheating on me. >Pretend nothing is wrong but turn into a manipulative sociopath. >Break gas gauge in her car. Siphon gas out randomly so she's always running out. >Get a nanny cam that's hidden in a lamp. Get video of her f------ around. >Find out everything I can about the guy she's f------. >lol dance instructor. >Find out he's looking for work, get ahold of his resume. >Rework it so it's not retarded, impersonate him, and get him an interview at a studio 2 states away. Dream job, if you're a f--. >He bites. Takes the job and after some mushy b------- ghosts my wife. >Meanwhile I start siphoning money out of our accounts slowly and keep the cash hidden away in my truck in a lockbox. Put away $10k. >lt's time. >Wait for her to be dead asleep, unlock her phone and turn off alarms on days that the coin I flip turns up heads. >She gets fired. Calls me bawling her eyes out. >When she gets home my wedding ring is on the table with her laptop playing the video of them f------. Next to that is a copy of the divorce petition. 10 REPLIES

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Anon is genius | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/22/20(Wed)02:16:13 No.819003901 I just got released from prison. Four years. I robbed a f------ bank but plead down to aggravated assault. Money's gone. F------ dye packs. Oh well, could have been 20 so no complaints. Now what do? Drive a truck? >>819004027 # >>819004077 # >>819004321 # >>819014798 # : Anonymous 01/22/20(Wed)02:26:13 No.819004321 >>819003901 # Here's what you do >start youtube channel >your very first video is going to be you sitting in front of a high quality camera looking presentable >half the screen is going to show a videogame >title of the youtube video: "REAL Bank Robber Critiques GTA5 Bank Heist Mission" >you're gonna commentate over the gta5 intro and say s--- like "yeah thats pretty realistic they'd have alarms like that" >pause the cutscene every now and then and say some s--- like "back when i hit the bank, the cops were on us much quicker than this, so im not sure this is entirely accurate" >your next videos are going to be you critiquing similar scenes from other games or movies >then your videos are going to be QandA about prison life >before you know it you're at 350k subs and growing and all you do is talk into a camera about prison >enjoy making more money than all of us
: Anonymous 01/22/20(Wed)02:16:13 No.819003901 I just got released from prison. Four years. I robbed a f------ bank but plead down to aggravated assault. Money's gone. F------ dye packs. Oh well, could have been 20 so no complaints. Now what do? Drive a truck? >>819004027 # >>819004077 # >>819004321 # >>819014798 # : Anonymous 01/22/20(Wed)02:26:13 No.819004321 >>819003901 # Here's what you do >start youtube channel >your very first video is going to be you sitting in front of a high quality camera looking presentable >half the screen is going to show a videogame >title of the youtube video: "REAL Bank Robber Critiques GTA5 Bank Heist Mission" >you're gonna commentate over the gta5 intro and say s--- like "yeah thats pretty realistic they'd have alarms like that" >pause the cutscene every now and then and say some s--- like "back when i hit the bank, the cops were on us much quicker than this, so im not sure this is entirely accurate" >your next videos are going to be you critiquing similar scenes from other games or movies >then your videos are going to be QandA about prison life >before you know it you're at 350k subs and growing and all you do is talk into a camera about prison >enjoy making more money than all of us

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Anon is fed up with rent increase | /r/Greentext

ID: 4lluW5XE #1, No. 45092796 1/3/22 2:54:38 PM IMG 2345_1545432793374_ 65653521_ver1.0 JPG 4032x3024 2.2 MB >Last day of moving out of rental unit >flush bag after bag of ready-mix concrete down toilet >upperdecker that bitch with a fat chipotle s--- >snap key off in lock, walk away not my problem My phone is blowing up right now from my angry chinese landlord, guess it was a mistake to raise my rent by $100 heh nothing personell also >all my information I gave them is fake (paystubs, social, references, even name is slightly different) 20 replies
ID: 4lluW5XE #1, No. 45092796 1/3/22 2:54:38 PM IMG 2345_1545432793374_ 65653521_ver1.0 JPG 4032x3024 2.2 MB >Last day of moving out of rental unit >flush bag after bag of ready-mix concrete down toilet >upperdecker that bitch with a fat chipotle s--- >snap key off in lock, walk away not my problem My phone is blowing up right now from my angry chinese landlord, guess it was a mistake to raise my rent by $100 heh nothing personell also >all my information I gave them is fake (paystubs, social, references, even name is slightly different) 20 replies

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I haven't seen Chris Brown in a while | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 49141130 1 órával ezelőtt •.. >Walk into biology class >Teacher has a bruise on her arm >Autistic spaz ask teacher how she got it >autism.mp4 >l scream out >"she got Chris Browned" >mfw when everyone is laughing >mfw I don't get into trouble 25,7 kB JPG 1 REPLY O IMAGES Anonymous | 49141950 25 perccel ezelőtt •.. >>49141130 (OP) The teacher didn't punish you because she felt sorry for you and took pity on you, because you are retarded. I was once a teacher and I would ignore the retards because I genuinely couldn't bring myself to make their life any worse than it was.
Anonymous | 49141130 1 órával ezelőtt •.. >Walk into biology class >Teacher has a bruise on her arm >Autistic spaz ask teacher how she got it >autism.mp4 >l scream out >"she got Chris Browned" >mfw when everyone is laughing >mfw I don't get into trouble 25,7 kB JPG 1 REPLY O IMAGES Anonymous | 49141950 25 perccel ezelőtt •.. >>49141130 (OP) The teacher didn't punish you because she felt sorry for you and took pity on you, because you are retarded. I was once a teacher and I would ignore the retards because I genuinely couldn't bring myself to make their life any worse than it was.

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Anon comes out to his parents | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)16:10:20 No.869893287 >be me >be 10 >decide I want to be the cleanest a human has ever been >take 3 showers >l wash everywhere thoroughly >I have been in the bathroom for about 2 8 KB JPG hours now >my parents are getting worried and start banging on the door >realise I haven't washed my ass >I need to find a solution quick >I look at the sink >lightbulb.jpeg >I see mom's perfume >decide to spray my mom's perfume in my anus >perfumes have a lot of alcohol in it >ass starts burning like crazy >I start screaming of pain >my parents panic and break the door >they see me on the floor and naked, shouting "it burns!" while holding my butt, with the bottle of perfume next to me and its scent in the room And this is the day my parents realised I was a retard. Can Stock Photo
: Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)16:10:20 No.869893287 >be me >be 10 >decide I want to be the cleanest a human has ever been >take 3 showers >l wash everywhere thoroughly >I have been in the bathroom for about 2 8 KB JPG hours now >my parents are getting worried and start banging on the door >realise I haven't washed my ass >I need to find a solution quick >I look at the sink >lightbulb.jpeg >I see mom's perfume >decide to spray my mom's perfume in my anus >perfumes have a lot of alcohol in it >ass starts burning like crazy >I start screaming of pain >my parents panic and break the door >they see me on the floor and naked, shouting "it burns!" while holding my butt, with the bottle of perfume next to me and its scent in the room And this is the day my parents realised I was a retard. Can Stock Photo

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anon works | /r/Greentext

ITT: Work Success stories >get angry call from woman >says he copier has been broken for days CAT >l've been ignoring her emails all week because minecraft on switch 39 KB JPG >s---.png >tell her I called it in to xerox >f------ didn't >sneak over to her office >the plan was to impersonate the Xerox guy I told her I called because she only knows my voice not my face >as l'm walking in, some one else from her office catches me >"hey xerox guy!" >l don't lie I just say "I'm here to fix the copier" >think the things f----- and that I really will have to call it in and I'm gonna get chewed out for waiting so long >I walk behind the machine and plug it in >office becomes visibly excited >get call from lady apologizing for being harsh and blames Xerox for being late All according to plan.
ITT: Work Success stories >get angry call from woman >says he copier has been broken for days CAT >l've been ignoring her emails all week because minecraft on switch 39 KB JPG >s---.png >tell her I called it in to xerox >f------ didn't >sneak over to her office >the plan was to impersonate the Xerox guy I told her I called because she only knows my voice not my face >as l'm walking in, some one else from her office catches me >"hey xerox guy!" >l don't lie I just say "I'm here to fix the copier" >think the things f----- and that I really will have to call it in and I'm gonna get chewed out for waiting so long >I walk behind the machine and plug it in >office becomes visibly excited >get call from lady apologizing for being harsh and blames Xerox for being late All according to plan.

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B A S E DVery useful advice | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/06/21(Tue)18:58:16 No.858512914 >roommate asks me to drive him to his dealer >sure, I have nothing going on >get in, start the car, put on seatbelt >notice roommate doesn't have his 8 KB JPG seatbelt on >ask him to put it on >"Why? Aren't you a good driver?" >tell him it's my car andI want him to have his seatbelt on >"lol f--- you man just drive" >okay >get on the road, accelerate to 40mph >slam on the brakes >roommate flies out of his seat, his face hits the windshield >oh s---, sorry bro. Maybe you should put your f------ seatbelt on >he does >I turn the car around and drive us back home F------ f----- can walk to his dealer's now. Wear your seatbelts.
: Anonymous 07/06/21(Tue)18:58:16 No.858512914 >roommate asks me to drive him to his dealer >sure, I have nothing going on >get in, start the car, put on seatbelt >notice roommate doesn't have his 8 KB JPG seatbelt on >ask him to put it on >"Why? Aren't you a good driver?" >tell him it's my car andI want him to have his seatbelt on >"lol f--- you man just drive" >okay >get on the road, accelerate to 40mph >slam on the brakes >roommate flies out of his seat, his face hits the windshield >oh s---, sorry bro. Maybe you should put your f------ seatbelt on >he does >I turn the car around and drive us back home F------ f----- can walk to his dealer's now. Wear your seatbelts.

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Anon plays WoW | /r/Greentext

>be me, playing WoW >play on asian servers because NA servers are too easy >2 Chinese players bully me >type "June 4th 1989, Tian an Men Square Massacre" >Both disconnect 22 KB JPG >mfw I just sent two inncoent children to a Chinese Labor Camp and got their whole family executed
>be me, playing WoW >play on asian servers because NA servers are too easy >2 Chinese players bully me >type "June 4th 1989, Tian an Men Square Massacre" >Both disconnect 22 KB JPG >mfw I just sent two inncoent children to a Chinese Labor Camp and got their whole family executed

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Ticking time bomb | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)03:55:00 No.66828660 >resigned to the fact I'll be alone forever as a loser neet >okay with it and enjoy being a hermit >turning 28 >sudden urge to have wife and kids becomes overwhelming 13 KB PNG w-- is there some sort of biological clock at play here
: Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)03:55:00 No.66828660 >resigned to the fact I'll be alone forever as a loser neet >okay with it and enjoy being a hermit >turning 28 >sudden urge to have wife and kids becomes overwhelming 13 KB PNG w-- is there some sort of biological clock at play here

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Anon is a new wagecuck | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)09:33:53 No.869900306 New wagecuck here. How do normies have any time for hobbies? >wake up at 5:30am >leave house by 6:15am >get to work by 7:15am (start at 7:30am) >leave work at 4:30pm >because of rush hour get home by 138 KB JPG 5:30pm >eat a rushed dinner and get to gym by 6:00pm >work out until 7:15pm >get home by 7:40pm >s--- and shower until 8:00pm >have to be in bed by 9:15pm so I can fall asleep by 9:30 and get my 8 hours of sleep >rinse, repeat I get an hour to myself each day. I usually just lay in bed and stare at my phone until it's time to go to sleep. How do normies do it? 53 Replies / 2 Images View Thread
: Anonymous 01/03/22(Mon)09:33:53 No.869900306 New wagecuck here. How do normies have any time for hobbies? >wake up at 5:30am >leave house by 6:15am >get to work by 7:15am (start at 7:30am) >leave work at 4:30pm >because of rush hour get home by 138 KB JPG 5:30pm >eat a rushed dinner and get to gym by 6:00pm >work out until 7:15pm >get home by 7:40pm >s--- and shower until 8:00pm >have to be in bed by 9:15pm so I can fall asleep by 9:30 and get my 8 hours of sleep >rinse, repeat I get an hour to myself each day. I usually just lay in bed and stare at my phone until it's time to go to sleep. How do normies do it? 53 Replies / 2 Images View Thread

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Anon has a fatal illness | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 08/20/18(Mon)14:48:55 No.47635074 > Be me > On a date with a girl I met from a dating site > We're talking and having a good time > Everything is going well until she says she has something she 17 KB JPG needs to tell me > Says that she has a fatal illness > Is it the big C? Anon, I don't know how to tell you this > I look deep into her eyes, preparing myself for the worst I have ligma... > There's a brief moment of silence between us >I hold my head in my hands and start crying Are you okay, Anon? > I look up at her and say > I'm sorry, I can't date someone with autism
: Anonymous 08/20/18(Mon)14:48:55 No.47635074 > Be me > On a date with a girl I met from a dating site > We're talking and having a good time > Everything is going well until she says she has something she 17 KB JPG needs to tell me > Says that she has a fatal illness > Is it the big C? Anon, I don't know how to tell you this > I look deep into her eyes, preparing myself for the worst I have ligma... > There's a brief moment of silence between us >I hold my head in my hands and start crying Are you okay, Anon? > I look up at her and say > I'm sorry, I can't date someone with autism

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