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Anon get out of a speeding ticket | /r/Greentext

Share the most retarded thing you've ever done. I'l go first. >be me 138 KB PNG >23 days ago >driving drunk as f---, run a red light, ram into a f------ cop car al 20 mph >cars are not too damaged >drunk mind is scared as s--- >unable to think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes over >hide knife in glove box >say, "I had been stabbed officer" >cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital mfw crisis avoided
Share the most retarded thing you've ever done. I'l go first. >be me 138 KB PNG >23 days ago >driving drunk as f---, run a red light, ram into a f------ cop car al 20 mph >cars are not too damaged >drunk mind is scared as s--- >unable to think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes over >hide knife in glove box >say, "I had been stabbed officer" >cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital mfw crisis avoided

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Anon lifts | /r/Greentext

1620573052056.jpg 226 KB JPG >>61657418 (OP) # >The only woman I lift for is my mother, so l can help her when she gets old.
1620573052056.jpg 226 KB JPG >>61657418 (OP) # >The only woman I lift for is my mother, so l can help her when she gets old.

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Anon eats grape | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 03/07/21(Sun)01:56:21 No.848996983 >be me >eating grape and watching tv >grape tasty grape 8 KB JPG 5 Replies /3 Images View Thread
: Anonymous 03/07/21(Sun)01:56:21 No.848996983 >be me >eating grape and watching tv >grape tasty grape 8 KB JPG 5 Replies /3 Images View Thread

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Anon falls down stairs | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)12:20:36 No.858546889 >l fell down the stairs when I was 16 >Broke my nose and hurt my wrist pretty bad >Dad takes me to the hospital >Nurses are doing some nurse s--- to me and asks me what happened >When I tell her that I fell down the stairs she stops what she's doing and goes into another room >after 10 minutes of watching Gumball on the TV all 10 KB JPG alone a cop walks into the room with the nurse >I remember that "fell down the stairs" is the cover up for "my dad hit me" >nurse cleans my nose and puts some toilet paper or whatever in it >Cop takes me to the Sheriffs Department and starts asking me questions >Two more cops walk in and bring my dad and gf to different interrogation rooms >First cop brings me into a room with a couch and some plants >Talked to me for a few hours while I tried to explain that i'm just a retard who somehow fell down stairs >He walks out and leaves the door open >Hear one of the officers tell the first one that they let my gf go, but they're still questioning my dad >Apparently my dad got a temporary lawyer which made them more suspicious of him >Anyways the brings in a therapist who also tried to get me to say that my dad hit me >Obviously I don't, but he's clearly not buying that i'm retarded enough to fall down the stairs >The cops searched our house and found blood at the end of the railing on the stairs and more blood on the floor by the last stair >Another cop drives me to the hospital where a pretty hot nurse made me take off my shirt >Thank god that at this point in my life I was pretty fit and could bench more than twice my body weight >She looks at my back for awhile and occasionally rubs it or some s--- like that >Her and the cop talk for awhile outside the room >She tells him that there's nothing showing I was pushed >Dad picks me up and we go home >He tells me they were gonna charge him with assault and battery and some other stuff too >Mfw my dad almost went to prison because i'm too f------ dumb to walk down stairs
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)12:20:36 No.858546889 >l fell down the stairs when I was 16 >Broke my nose and hurt my wrist pretty bad >Dad takes me to the hospital >Nurses are doing some nurse s--- to me and asks me what happened >When I tell her that I fell down the stairs she stops what she's doing and goes into another room >after 10 minutes of watching Gumball on the TV all 10 KB JPG alone a cop walks into the room with the nurse >I remember that "fell down the stairs" is the cover up for "my dad hit me" >nurse cleans my nose and puts some toilet paper or whatever in it >Cop takes me to the Sheriffs Department and starts asking me questions >Two more cops walk in and bring my dad and gf to different interrogation rooms >First cop brings me into a room with a couch and some plants >Talked to me for a few hours while I tried to explain that i'm just a retard who somehow fell down stairs >He walks out and leaves the door open >Hear one of the officers tell the first one that they let my gf go, but they're still questioning my dad >Apparently my dad got a temporary lawyer which made them more suspicious of him >Anyways the brings in a therapist who also tried to get me to say that my dad hit me >Obviously I don't, but he's clearly not buying that i'm retarded enough to fall down the stairs >The cops searched our house and found blood at the end of the railing on the stairs and more blood on the floor by the last stair >Another cop drives me to the hospital where a pretty hot nurse made me take off my shirt >Thank god that at this point in my life I was pretty fit and could bench more than twice my body weight >She looks at my back for awhile and occasionally rubs it or some s--- like that >Her and the cop talk for awhile outside the room >She tells him that there's nothing showing I was pushed >Dad picks me up and we go home >He tells me they were gonna charge him with assault and battery and some other stuff too >Mfw my dad almost went to prison because i'm too f------ dumb to walk down stairs

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Friend in need | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/06/21(Tue)13:51:22 No.64466824 can i just have one normal friend or something holy f--- >only know one person my age thats 3-4 miles down the road 83 KB JPG >would be totally easy to just hang out >we used to hang out in school >it was normal we just hung out played video games smoked a little bit walked around >he goes crazy >hes just an ass hole to everyone >always sarcastic, snapping on people, arguing, being an ass hole about everything for no reason >im alone with no friends and he lives 4 minutes away so i try hanging out with him >just go there smoke, do some kratom, a couple drinks, hanging out >just there being nice and half the time hes just an ass hole for no reason >i asked him why hes being an ass hole and he just sounds retarded and gives h--------- apologies >just say f--- it and stop hanging out >now i just sit alone all day >the only other people i know are ridiculously far away my quality of life would improve like 1000% if i had a friend close even if it was an acquaintance but im stuck with the lunatic
: Anonymous 07/06/21(Tue)13:51:22 No.64466824 can i just have one normal friend or something holy f--- >only know one person my age thats 3-4 miles down the road 83 KB JPG >would be totally easy to just hang out >we used to hang out in school >it was normal we just hung out played video games smoked a little bit walked around >he goes crazy >hes just an ass hole to everyone >always sarcastic, snapping on people, arguing, being an ass hole about everything for no reason >im alone with no friends and he lives 4 minutes away so i try hanging out with him >just go there smoke, do some kratom, a couple drinks, hanging out >just there being nice and half the time hes just an ass hole for no reason >i asked him why hes being an ass hole and he just sounds retarded and gives h--------- apologies >just say f--- it and stop hanging out >now i just sit alone all day >the only other people i know are ridiculously far away my quality of life would improve like 1000% if i had a friend close even if it was an acquaintance but im stuck with the lunatic

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Anon is transforming | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)15:40:40 No.64474134 >brush teeth twice a day (from brushing once a month) >cold shower daily (used to shower once a month if that) >day 5 of nofap >keeping room tidy (almost got kicked out because of how dirty i 139 KB JPG kept it) >eating well >job interview in an hour 30 im crawling out, boys
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)15:40:40 No.64474134 >brush teeth twice a day (from brushing once a month) >cold shower daily (used to shower once a month if that) >day 5 of nofap >keeping room tidy (almost got kicked out because of how dirty i 139 KB JPG kept it) >eating well >job interview in an hour 30 im crawling out, boys

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Anon is just a centrist | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21 (Wed)18:40:29 No.64474293 >be me, white, 21 >have cancer, get it treated with chemo at the hospital >it's abosulte hell, but I manage to survive it >leave the hospital 31 KB JPG >few days later, I'm in the urban area to buy groceries >it's really busy & theres angry people walking through the streets with signs up, can't be bothered to even read it. >hear some guy screaming 'SKINHEAD' >group of people wearing black clothes starts beating me up and kicking me for no reason, manage to pull through >now I'm in the hospital again >Didn't see any of their faces because they were wearing masks, so the police can't arrest anyone Just kill me already. I'm not a skinhead, nazi, whatever. I'm not even a right winger. Just a centrist
: Anonymous 07/07/21 (Wed)18:40:29 No.64474293 >be me, white, 21 >have cancer, get it treated with chemo at the hospital >it's abosulte hell, but I manage to survive it >leave the hospital 31 KB JPG >few days later, I'm in the urban area to buy groceries >it's really busy & theres angry people walking through the streets with signs up, can't be bothered to even read it. >hear some guy screaming 'SKINHEAD' >group of people wearing black clothes starts beating me up and kicking me for no reason, manage to pull through >now I'm in the hospital again >Didn't see any of their faces because they were wearing masks, so the police can't arrest anyone Just kill me already. I'm not a skinhead, nazi, whatever. I'm not even a right winger. Just a centrist

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Anon and the cockatoo | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 12/28/17(Thu)02:04:18 No.755100053 >be me >have a dream about sentient cockatoo >tells me that i have to be careful >ask why 173 KB JPG >all he says is 'soon' >dissappears for a while >comes back >i get hit by car >lose leg, have to use crutches anx prosthetics for the rest of my life >sentient cockatoo comes back >tells me to pet his underfluffies >i do >mfw i woke up rock hard
: Anonymous 12/28/17(Thu)02:04:18 No.755100053 >be me >have a dream about sentient cockatoo >tells me that i have to be careful >ask why 173 KB JPG >all he says is 'soon' >dissappears for a while >comes back >i get hit by car >lose leg, have to use crutches anx prosthetics for the rest of my life >sentient cockatoo comes back >tells me to pet his underfluffies >i do >mfw i woke up rock hard

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McDonald’s | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)00:01:21 No.858519812 >Litterally 600,000+ die slow painful deaths >Every part of society proves to be somewhat of a loose social construct and starts to dissolve > Least paid most educated populace ever >They have the nerve to get on the news and ask me why we don't want to work at McDonald's 137 KB JPG Mfw
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)00:01:21 No.858519812 >Litterally 600,000+ die slow painful deaths >Every part of society proves to be somewhat of a loose social construct and starts to dissolve > Least paid most educated populace ever >They have the nerve to get on the news and ask me why we don't want to work at McDonald's 137 KB JPG Mfw

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Anon gets too lazy | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)11:22:24 No.858532950 >be me >Wake up middle of the night >So cold >Need to pee >To lazy >Pee in bottle >2 hours later wake up again >Thirsty 24 KB JPG >too lazy >Drink own pee Simple as
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)11:22:24 No.858532950 >be me >Wake up middle of the night >So cold >Need to pee >To lazy >Pee in bottle >2 hours later wake up again >Thirsty 24 KB JPG >too lazy >Drink own pee Simple as

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Anon makes a discovery | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)00:03:29 No.16390959 >they are called donut holes >they are clearly balls 42 KB JPG : Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)02:40:09 No.16391422 >>16390959 (OP) # >made with dough and sugar >called doughnuts what the f--- >>16391433 #
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)00:03:29 No.16390959 >they are called donut holes >they are clearly balls 42 KB JPG : Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)02:40:09 No.16391422 >>16390959 (OP) # >made with dough and sugar >called doughnuts what the f--- >>16391433 #

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Anon visits France | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 52818309 4 min. ago .. >visit france >they use "le" unironically 416.0 kB PNG
Anonymous | 52818309 4 min. ago .. >visit france >they use "le" unironically 416.0 kB PNG

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Anon goes to japan | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)15:42:39 No.64473284 >go to japan >girl at a bar bought me a(n expensive) drink >asked to see my passport >took a pic of it >said she was going to the bathroom and never came back 141 KB PNG >see same girl at another bar >she pretended not to know me >tell her i recognize her tattoo >she suddenly doesn't speak english anymore >bartender tells me to leave This was 3 years ago. What's going to happen to me?
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)15:42:39 No.64473284 >go to japan >girl at a bar bought me a(n expensive) drink >asked to see my passport >took a pic of it >said she was going to the bathroom and never came back 141 KB PNG >see same girl at another bar >she pretended not to know me >tell her i recognize her tattoo >she suddenly doesn't speak english anymore >bartender tells me to leave This was 3 years ago. What's going to happen to me?

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Canada saves lives | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous (ID: VIBryUs ) [•] Prenup 07/07/21(Wed)11:37:38 No.329063944 >Be me 20 year old retard >Marry w---- bitch I thought was my soul mate >I read about prenups and decided to get one >Made her sign a prenup waiving her right to alimony and other things with us both having a trd Tropeive PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT Beknown that ustiand and Respective Rights & Relevant Exceptions wided, Prospective Hunband and Prospective 106 KB JPG lawyer present >Fast forward 2 years she cheats on me and divorces me >Tries to spin a yarn about how I was abusive and other b------- >She gets nothing because of the prenup >l think about it and realize I probably would have been divorce r---- and had my life ruined if not for the prenup Always get a prenup it could save your life
: Anonymous (ID: VIBryUs ) [•] Prenup 07/07/21(Wed)11:37:38 No.329063944 >Be me 20 year old retard >Marry w---- bitch I thought was my soul mate >I read about prenups and decided to get one >Made her sign a prenup waiving her right to alimony and other things with us both having a trd Tropeive PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT Beknown that ustiand and Respective Rights & Relevant Exceptions wided, Prospective Hunband and Prospective 106 KB JPG lawyer present >Fast forward 2 years she cheats on me and divorces me >Tries to spin a yarn about how I was abusive and other b------- >She gets nothing because of the prenup >l think about it and realize I probably would have been divorce r---- and had my life ruined if not for the prenup Always get a prenup it could save your life

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Anon has a work shit | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)00:40:26 No.858521814 >be me >taking a s--- at work >usually the first one there, so don't have to worry about my fecal insecurities >blowing up the toilet with the nastiest, most liquidy s--- the world 9 KB JPG has ever seen >finish and leave >work as normal >a few odd stares and people avoiding me, think nothing of it >go home >get out of my clothes and put on some shorts to relax but I >that's when I see it, and everything suddenly makes sense >there's a huge yellow-brown streak going down the ass of my pants >a little bit of the back of my shirt as well >I was walking around covered in s--- and f------ nobody felt the need to tell me >can never look my coworkers in the eyes again
: Anonymous 07/07/21(Wed)00:40:26 No.858521814 >be me >taking a s--- at work >usually the first one there, so don't have to worry about my fecal insecurities >blowing up the toilet with the nastiest, most liquidy s--- the world 9 KB JPG has ever seen >finish and leave >work as normal >a few odd stares and people avoiding me, think nothing of it >go home >get out of my clothes and put on some shorts to relax but I >that's when I see it, and everything suddenly makes sense >there's a huge yellow-brown streak going down the ass of my pants >a little bit of the back of my shirt as well >I was walking around covered in s--- and f------ nobody felt the need to tell me >can never look my coworkers in the eyes again

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Anon is a loser | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 01/21/20(Tue)21:13:24 No.56 >be indian >get my designated wife by 25 despite being a loser 124 KB PNG
Anonymous 01/21/20(Tue)21:13:24 No.56 >be indian >get my designated wife by 25 despite being a loser 124 KB PNG

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Anon made it | /r/Greentext

: 142618CE-A426-4717-932D-7(...).jpg (28 KB, 446x399) O Anonymous (ID: 2YYJ-bp ) 07/06/21(Tue)20:09:05 No.38584577 >finally make it with DeFi this year >finally meet a nice girl >she eventually becomes my gf >get to the point of sex after 9 dates >her t--- are uneven >about to take her from behind >her a------ is really really brown >massive roastflaps >smells bad >cant get hard I excused myself and I'm hiding in the bathroom now what do I do?
: 142618CE-A426-4717-932D-7(...).jpg (28 KB, 446x399) O Anonymous (ID: 2YYJ-bp ) 07/06/21(Tue)20:09:05 No.38584577 >finally make it with DeFi this year >finally meet a nice girl >she eventually becomes my gf >get to the point of sex after 9 dates >her t--- are uneven >about to take her from behind >her a------ is really really brown >massive roastflaps >smells bad >cant get hard I excused myself and I'm hiding in the bathroom now what do I do?

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Anon has a good father | /r/Greentext

Anonymous 07/06/21(Tue)23:14:34 No.24328530 >>24328536 >>24324528 (OP) >be bank fishing with my dad >its fathers day >fishing at this new spot hes excited about >some guy in a brand new flashy boat pulls up to use forcing us to pull our lines in >40 ft away >20 ft away >15 ft away >"hey a------, yeah im talking to you" >dad stares in confusion >"what a p------------ father you must be, do you know your fishing next to a hatchery?" >"no I didnt" - dad >"hey kids, dont grow up to be like your dumbass father" >boat peels away >dad just stares >"okay kids lets move to another spot" >walk back to the parking lot >only two vehicles in the parking lot. ours and new truck with a boat trailer >"get in the car and wait" >watching him through the mirrors >he walks over to the truck/trailer >crouches behind the truck >truck sinks down a few inches in the front >he moves to the back >truck sinks down a few inches >proceeds to pop every single tire on the truck >calmly walks towards the river >comes back with a rock >smashes the drivers window >walks back to our car where Im waiting >"im sorry you had to see that" >"but nobody calls me a bad father" >"lets go fish somewhere else"
Anonymous 07/06/21(Tue)23:14:34 No.24328530 >>24328536 >>24324528 (OP) >be bank fishing with my dad >its fathers day >fishing at this new spot hes excited about >some guy in a brand new flashy boat pulls up to use forcing us to pull our lines in >40 ft away >20 ft away >15 ft away >"hey a------, yeah im talking to you" >dad stares in confusion >"what a p------------ father you must be, do you know your fishing next to a hatchery?" >"no I didnt" - dad >"hey kids, dont grow up to be like your dumbass father" >boat peels away >dad just stares >"okay kids lets move to another spot" >walk back to the parking lot >only two vehicles in the parking lot. ours and new truck with a boat trailer >"get in the car and wait" >watching him through the mirrors >he walks over to the truck/trailer >crouches behind the truck >truck sinks down a few inches in the front >he moves to the back >truck sinks down a few inches >proceeds to pop every single tire on the truck >calmly walks towards the river >comes back with a rock >smashes the drivers window >walks back to our car where Im waiting >"im sorry you had to see that" >"but nobody calls me a bad father" >"lets go fish somewhere else"

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Cream with the crop | /r/Greentext

: Couch !ncKvmqq0Bs 07/06/21(Tue)13:12:13 No.64466409 I'm a simple girl to please. It doesn't take much. But sometimes people do things that make me mad. 606 KB JPG >enjoying day >decide to go get a pudding from the fridge >open fridge and I see it >an empty pudding cardboard holder thingy >text dummy and see if he ate my pudding >"Ohh yeah I ate that last night." >.... >get in car and go to store >go to pudding spot >.... >no pudding only jello to include the boxes >puddingfamine >text him saying he's a dummy for eating my last one and he knows those are mine >he tells me I can have some of his jerky >....... >tell him he knows I hate jerky >he taunts me more about how good it was >get irritated and decide to just ignore the dummy for a bit >get a slice of cake from the bakery and go home I'm kinda over it but I'm still gonna ignore him until he gets home as punishment. I'll give him a hug then.
: Couch !ncKvmqq0Bs 07/06/21(Tue)13:12:13 No.64466409 I'm a simple girl to please. It doesn't take much. But sometimes people do things that make me mad. 606 KB JPG >enjoying day >decide to go get a pudding from the fridge >open fridge and I see it >an empty pudding cardboard holder thingy >text dummy and see if he ate my pudding >"Ohh yeah I ate that last night." >.... >get in car and go to store >go to pudding spot >.... >no pudding only jello to include the boxes >puddingfamine >text him saying he's a dummy for eating my last one and he knows those are mine >he tells me I can have some of his jerky >....... >tell him he knows I hate jerky >he taunts me more about how good it was >get irritated and decide to just ignore the dummy for a bit >get a slice of cake from the bakery and go home I'm kinda over it but I'm still gonna ignore him until he gets home as punishment. I'll give him a hug then.

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Anon meets a gaymer | /r/Greentext

Now that pride is over. What was your favourite experience bullying a gay? >playing WZ with friends >buddy invited his friend to play >warns us he is sus so don't use slurs >friend enters chat 10/10 flamer. 10 KB JPG Including accent. >weeks go by no slurs are used. Treated with respect as per squadron law. >always dropping bitchy comments >he is s--- at the game. >ffw a couple weeks. >bout to come first in a match >get winning kill >gamerfag says "wow, I guess being autistic isn't a disability" > a monster fuelled rage boils in my blood > scream I maybe autistic but at least l'm not a f-----. >gaymer f-- never returns > pic related.
Now that pride is over. What was your favourite experience bullying a gay? >playing WZ with friends >buddy invited his friend to play >warns us he is sus so don't use slurs >friend enters chat 10/10 flamer. 10 KB JPG Including accent. >weeks go by no slurs are used. Treated with respect as per squadron law. >always dropping bitchy comments >he is s--- at the game. >ffw a couple weeks. >bout to come first in a match >get winning kill >gamerfag says "wow, I guess being autistic isn't a disability" > a monster fuelled rage boils in my blood > scream I maybe autistic but at least l'm not a f-----. >gaymer f-- never returns > pic related.

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