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Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts the ONION
Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts the ONION

The Onion
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"FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In The United States: Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon"

ENthe ONION FIFA Frantically Annof aIN THIS SECTION + FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon ARTICLE May 27, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 21 Sports World Womens Sports And Soccer Fifa FIFA ZURICH-After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer's governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer's 2015 World Cup. "We are thrilled to reveal that, for the first time in 21 years, the World Cup will finally return to America, with matches set to kick off today at 5 p.m. local time in Los Angeles," said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, smiling broadly before unveiling the tournament's official logo, a hand-drawn stick figure kicking a soccer ball with “USA 2015!" hastily scribbled in black marker above its head. “with world-class venues in cities across the country and a rapidly growing passion for the sport, the U.S. is the perfect choice-really the only choice-for this summer's tournament. Everyone at FIFA is certain that the 2015 World Cup in America will be a tremendous success, and billions of fans from around the world will, in justa few hours, come together to enjoy this wonderful display of soccer over the coming weeks." At press time, the U.S. national team was leading defending champions Germany in the World Cup's opening match after being awarded 12 penalties in the game's first three minutes.
ENthe ONION FIFA Frantically Annof aIN THIS SECTION + FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon ARTICLE May 27, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 21 Sports World Womens Sports And Soccer Fifa FIFA ZURICH-After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer's governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer's 2015 World Cup. "We are thrilled to reveal that, for the first time in 21 years, the World Cup will finally return to America, with matches set to kick off today at 5 p.m. local time in Los Angeles," said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, smiling broadly before unveiling the tournament's official logo, a hand-drawn stick figure kicking a soccer ball with “USA 2015!" hastily scribbled in black marker above its head. “with world-class venues in cities across the country and a rapidly growing passion for the sport, the U.S. is the perfect choice-really the only choice-for this summer's tournament. Everyone at FIFA is certain that the 2015 World Cup in America will be a tremendous success, and billions of fans from around the world will, in justa few hours, come together to enjoy this wonderful display of soccer over the coming weeks." At press time, the U.S. national team was leading defending champions Germany in the World Cup's opening match after being awarded 12 penalties in the game's first three minutes.

The Onion
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The Onion delivers.

Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total F------ Bitch NEWS IN BRIEF Local Education Human Interest Kids ISSUE 51-09-Mar 2, 2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter 8' randomfandomteacher: theonion MERIDIAN, ID Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. T f------ hate her, 14 year-old Scaret Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up wel past midhight providing individual feeaback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can't afford them. "Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? hope she dies. Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doean't really give a s--- about his job and shows up hungover most momings, is super popular and very cool. Oh my God YESSSSSSSSSSS This what I hear when you all post s--- about your teachers
Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total F------ Bitch NEWS IN BRIEF Local Education Human Interest Kids ISSUE 51-09-Mar 2, 2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter 8' randomfandomteacher: theonion MERIDIAN, ID Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. T f------ hate her, 14 year-old Scaret Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up wel past midhight providing individual feeaback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can't afford them. "Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? hope she dies. Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doean't really give a s--- about his job and shows up hungover most momings, is super popular and very cool. Oh my God YESSSSSSSSSSS This what I hear when you all post s--- about your teachers

The Onion
tumblr the onion teacher school

U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters

U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters NEWS IN PHOTOS Government Money News ISSUE 51-05 Feb 5,2015 UNITED STATES MINT
U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters NEWS IN PHOTOS Government Money News ISSUE 51-05 Feb 5,2015 UNITED STATES MINT

The Onion
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It's... The Onion...

via Jay James 7 hrs. I say b------- Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children's Biological Parents Own Mansions THEONION.COM Share It's...The Onion Jay 7 hrs Sande 1 hr Jay 1 hr James 1 hr 1 Jay 1 hr Jay 56 mins Total BS!!! Again...it's The Onion Jay I am afraid their research may be flawed My god...it's The Onion. Hello...earth to Starke County LOL!! www.theonion.com
via Jay James 7 hrs. I say b------- Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children's Biological Parents Own Mansions THEONION.COM Share It's...The Onion Jay 7 hrs Sande 1 hr Jay 1 hr James 1 hr 1 Jay 1 hr Jay 56 mins Total BS!!! Again...it's The Onion Jay I am afraid their research may be flawed My god...it's The Onion. Hello...earth to Starke County LOL!! www.theonion.com

The Onion
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Health experts

Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back NEWS IN BRIEF Health Fitness Lifestyle ISSUE 51.05 Feb 6,2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back NEWS IN BRIEF Health Fitness Lifestyle ISSUE 51.05 Feb 6,2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

The Onion
health work

Majority of God's blessings burn up on entry into atmosphere

ew Up On Entry Into Atmosphere NEWS IN BRIEF Science&Technology Religion God ISSUE 51.05 Feb 5, 2015 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
ew Up On Entry Into Atmosphere NEWS IN BRIEF Science&Technology Religion God ISSUE 51.05 Feb 5, 2015 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

The Onion
god atmosphere blessings

Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims' Rights Necessary To Feel Safe NEWS IN BRIEF Local Religion Civil Rights ISSUE 51.02.Jan 15, 2015 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims' Rights Necessary To Feel Safe NEWS IN BRIEF Local Religion Civil Rights ISSUE 51.02.Jan 15, 2015 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

The Onion
islam rights muslim

Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He's Already Heard NEWS IN BRIEF Local Friends ISSUE 51.01 Jan 9,2015 13 g* Share on Facebook 14 Share on Twitter
Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He's Already Heard NEWS IN BRIEF Local Friends ISSUE 51.01 Jan 9,2015 13 g* Share on Facebook 14 Share on Twitter

The Onion
man friend story

World's Oldest Woman Tust Pleased Everv Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead NEWS IN BRIEF Human Interest Senior Citizens. Lifestyle ISSUE 50.49 Dec 8, 2014 Share on Twitter Share on Facebook
World's Oldest Woman Tust Pleased Everv Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead NEWS IN BRIEF Human Interest Senior Citizens. Lifestyle ISSUE 50.49 Dec 8, 2014 Share on Twitter Share on Facebook

The Onion

Folded Clothes NEWS IN BRIEF Family Local Teenagers ISSUE 50.49 Dec 10, 2014 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter g-
Folded Clothes NEWS IN BRIEF Family Local Teenagers ISSUE 50.49 Dec 10, 2014 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter g-

The Onion
room mom clothes teen

Obama Calls For Turret-Mounted Video Cameras On All Police Tanks NEWS IN BRIEF Police Violence Barack Obama . News ISSUE 50.48 Dec 3, 2014 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter SWAT
Obama Calls For Turret-Mounted Video Cameras On All Police Tanks NEWS IN BRIEF Police Violence Barack Obama . News ISSUE 50.48 Dec 3, 2014 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter SWAT

The Onion
obama camera tanks turret

Father-In-Law Think Tank Issues Comprehensive One-Sentence Solution To Immigration, Unemployment, Crime Problems NEWS IN BRIEF News. ISSUE 50.48 Dec 2, 2014 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter RADO ick
Father-In-Law Think Tank Issues Comprehensive One-Sentence Solution To Immigration, Unemployment, Crime Problems NEWS IN BRIEF News. ISSUE 50.48 Dec 2, 2014 Share on Facebook Share on Twitter RADO ick

The Onion
crime unemployment immigration politics father-in-law

Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It's Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski's In Love NEWS Weather Local Love ISSUE 49-30 Jul 25, 2013 386 70 39
Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It's Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski's In Love NEWS Weather Local Love ISSUE 49-30 Jul 25, 2013 386 70 39

The Onion
doug

COMMENTARY No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them BY AMY FOSTER
COMMENTARY No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them BY AMY FOSTER

The Onion
euthanasia god dark humor

te ONION America's Finest News Source F--- Everything, Nation Reports Just F--- It All To Hell NEWS News ISSUE 48.50 Dec 14, 2012
te ONION America's Finest News Source F--- Everything, Nation Reports Just F--- It All To Hell NEWS News ISSUE 48.50 Dec 14, 2012

The Onion
giving up usa

Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders to Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch of Hallway

Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway NEWS IN BRIEF Science & Technology Video Games Technology ISSUE 50 41 Oct 14, 2014 Share on Facebook 13 Share on Twitter
Guard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of Hallway NEWS IN BRIEF Science & Technology Video Games Technology ISSUE 50 41 Oct 14, 2014 Share on Facebook 13 Share on Twitter

The Onion
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Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed NEWS IN BRIEF Local Crime Police Violence ISSUE 50.41 Oct 14,2014 Share on Facebook 29.7K Share on Twitter 4.4K 367 LEXINGTON, KY- Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sources confirmed. "Well, what do you know-he really was carrying a gun," said officer Dustin Hayes, smiling upon finding a 9mm pistol on the body of the 23-year-old individual shortly after the policeman and his partner discharged their firearms a total of 19 times. "l honestly had no idea if he had a handgun, so it's pretty great to find one right there tucked into his waistband. This makes the rest of our week a whole lot easier." Officers said they were further relieved after discovering the man had a petty theft charge on his record, ensuring they were 100 percent off the hook. i
Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed NEWS IN BRIEF Local Crime Police Violence ISSUE 50.41 Oct 14,2014 Share on Facebook 29.7K Share on Twitter 4.4K 367 LEXINGTON, KY- Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sources confirmed. "Well, what do you know-he really was carrying a gun," said officer Dustin Hayes, smiling upon finding a 9mm pistol on the body of the 23-year-old individual shortly after the policeman and his partner discharged their firearms a total of 19 times. "l honestly had no idea if he had a handgun, so it's pretty great to find one right there tucked into his waistband. This makes the rest of our week a whole lot easier." Officers said they were further relieved after discovering the man had a petty theft charge on his record, ensuring they were 100 percent off the hook. i

The Onion
gun police the onion onion police brutality handgun

It's true.

Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be F------ Delusional NEWS IN BRIEF Local. Friends Social Media ISSUE 49.20 May 15, 2013 4.1K 1.2K SALEM, OR-Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently experiencing some kind of psychotic break that left him deluded enough to believe people would want to watch the whole goddamned thing 1s he out of his f------ mind? link recipient Stephen Dunstable said after reading the email's instruction to "be sure to watch all the way to the end." "Because he'd have to be be crazy enough-but eight? And the a------ doesn't even tell us what point we should cue it up to if we just want to watch the best part. I honestly don't know what planet this guy is living on. Later on, while procrastinating at work, Dunstable reportedly watched the video in its entirety and admitted it was "actually kind of good."
Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be F------ Delusional NEWS IN BRIEF Local. Friends Social Media ISSUE 49.20 May 15, 2013 4.1K 1.2K SALEM, OR-Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently experiencing some kind of psychotic break that left him deluded enough to believe people would want to watch the whole goddamned thing 1s he out of his f------ mind? link recipient Stephen Dunstable said after reading the email's instruction to "be sure to watch all the way to the end." "Because he'd have to be be crazy enough-but eight? And the a------ doesn't even tell us what point we should cue it up to if we just want to watch the best part. I honestly don't know what planet this guy is living on. Later on, while procrastinating at work, Dunstable reportedly watched the video in its entirety and admitted it was "actually kind of good."

The Onion
youtube the onion delusional 8 minute video

CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years NEWS Politics. Government Scandal WikiLeaks. ISSUE 41.48 Nov 30, 2005 LANGLEY, VA-A report released Tuesday by the CIA's Office of the Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters 回 CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation Why did it go on for this long, and this far?" said Goss in a press conference called shortly after the report's release. "T'm as frustrated as anyone. You can't read a single thing that's been highlighted. Had I been there to advise [former CIA director] Allen Dulles, I would have suggested the traditional yellow color-or pink." Goss added: "There was probably some really, really important information in these documents."
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years NEWS Politics. Government Scandal WikiLeaks. ISSUE 41.48 Nov 30, 2005 LANGLEY, VA-A report released Tuesday by the CIA's Office of the Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters 回 CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation Why did it go on for this long, and this far?" said Goss in a press conference called shortly after the report's release. "T'm as frustrated as anyone. You can't read a single thing that's been highlighted. Had I been there to advise [former CIA director] Allen Dulles, I would have suggested the traditional yellow color-or pink." Goss added: "There was probably some really, really important information in these documents."

The Onion
cia censorship confidential documents