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Always blame the kids

online moose @tiemoose science teacher: now does anyone know why the water and oil separated me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me 4:05 PM · 2019-03-11 · Twitter for Android 12.5K Retweets 157 Quote Tweets 104K Likes
online moose @tiemoose science teacher: now does anyone know why the water and oil separated me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me 4:05 PM · 2019-03-11 · Twitter for Android 12.5K Retweets 157 Quote Tweets 104K Likes

Twitter / X
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Block @low? Block @overhead?

Ultima | #StopAsianHate ... @UltimaShadowX Flawless Defense Block @low? Block @overhead? will not be able to follow you or 'will not be able to follow you or Tweets, and you will not see Twe Tweets, and you will not see Twe or notifications from @low. r notifications from @overhead. @mid @high Account suspended Account suspended Twitter suspends accounts which violate the Twitter Rules Twitter suspends accounts which violate the Twitter Rules 7:50 PM Mar 15, 2021 · Twitter Web App
Ultima | #StopAsianHate ... @UltimaShadowX Flawless Defense Block @low? Block @overhead? will not be able to follow you or 'will not be able to follow you or Tweets, and you will not see Twe Tweets, and you will not see Twe or notifications from @low. r notifications from @overhead. @mid @high Account suspended Account suspended Twitter suspends accounts which violate the Twitter Rules Twitter suspends accounts which violate the Twitter Rules 7:50 PM Mar 15, 2021 · Twitter Web App

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The 3 little pigs vs OSHA

lil wayne lighter flick @braag_ hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
lil wayne lighter flick @braag_ hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials

Twitter / X
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Ah, pockets, nature's banks

the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby Hoping to find money in last year's winter coat is the closest thing I have to a savings account >
the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby Hoping to find money in last year's winter coat is the closest thing I have to a savings account >

Twitter / X
funny tweet money bank savings

I know my limits

AparnaRC @Wordesse I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once. 8:14 PM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for Android
AparnaRC @Wordesse I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once. 8:14 PM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for Android

Twitter / X
funny tweet password getting old

How job hunting worked in the 60s

sio ... @bestinsio why can't a cover letter be "I want to work here soo bad. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please" 10:13 AM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for iPhone
sio ... @bestinsio why can't a cover letter be "I want to work here soo bad. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please" 10:13 AM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
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I don't know if we're compatible

annika, your close family friend @subtleferret >it's real Ash (Suicide promoter) @HITWOM4N Today 11:39 AM what animal do you think you could take in a fight If you ever want to kill an hour with a Delivered guy ask him what animals he thinks he could take in a fight Oh my god How much time do you have 12:35 AM - 3/3/21 - Twitter for iPhone
annika, your close family friend @subtleferret >it's real Ash (Suicide promoter) @HITWOM4N Today 11:39 AM what animal do you think you could take in a fight If you ever want to kill an hour with a Delivered guy ask him what animals he thinks he could take in a fight Oh my god How much time do you have 12:35 AM - 3/3/21 - Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
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Try driving between two opposite lanes then get back to me

mark normand O @marknorm Weird that 'middle of the road' means you're bland or boring, it's literally the most dangerous & exciting place you can be. 9:17 AM · 3/9/21 · Twitter for iPhone
mark normand O @marknorm Weird that 'middle of the road' means you're bland or boring, it's literally the most dangerous & exciting place you can be. 9:17 AM · 3/9/21 · Twitter for iPhone

Twitter / X
funny tweet middle of the road

Next Halloween's best sellers

French Fry Crusted Corn Dogs @Blacknmild T really thought this was two people in French fry costumes
French Fry Crusted Corn Dogs @Blacknmild T really thought this was two people in French fry costumes

Twitter / X
costumes funny tweet french fries corn dogs

They depend on me for the vibes

kristofer thomas @itskristofer turbotax: do you have any dependants? me: i am the backbone of several groupchats 11:07 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter Web App 87 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 968 Likes
kristofer thomas @itskristofer turbotax: do you have any dependants? me: i am the backbone of several groupchats 11:07 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter Web App 87 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 968 Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet turbotax tax group chat

Still thinking about that stupid thing I said in third grade

shira has OCD and ADHD @shiraisinspired "ur so quiet" if I talk I will spend years ruminating on what I said 8:06 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for iPhone 88 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 609 Likes
shira has OCD and ADHD @shiraisinspired "ur so quiet" if I talk I will spend years ruminating on what I said 8:06 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for iPhone 88 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 609 Likes

Twitter / X
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Goals tbh

sweetheart of the rodeo @clownesvanzandt Rasputin had the ideal job which is being a weird guy who just kind of hangs around 5:37 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for Android 1,227 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 10.9K Likes
sweetheart of the rodeo @clownesvanzandt Rasputin had the ideal job which is being a weird guy who just kind of hangs around 5:37 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for Android 1,227 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 10.9K Likes

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Luck of the IRS

Hormone Monstress. @bexx402 Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS. 9:13 AM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 16.6K Retweets 1,092 Quote Tweets 84.4K Likes
Hormone Monstress. @bexx402 Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS. 9:13 AM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 16.6K Retweets 1,092 Quote Tweets 84.4K Likes

Twitter / X
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Riddle me this: how do you file taxes?

Austin @adoptedhighway bouncers at nightclubs should ask riddles instead of going by appearance 10:09 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 269 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 4,081 Likes
Austin @adoptedhighway bouncers at nightclubs should ask riddles instead of going by appearance 10:09 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 269 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 4,081 Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet bouncer adults adulting

We live in unprecedented times

Matt Roller @rolldiggity Fifty years ago, if you wanted to see a picture of a raccoon, you either had to already have it or drive to a library. And raccoon in a funny hat? Forget about it. 3:02 AM · 2021-03-15 · Twitter Web App 22.7K Retweets 473 Quote Tweets 205K Likes
Matt Roller @rolldiggity Fifty years ago, if you wanted to see a picture of a raccoon, you either had to already have it or drive to a library. And raccoon in a funny hat? Forget about it. 3:02 AM · 2021-03-15 · Twitter Web App 22.7K Retweets 473 Quote Tweets 205K Likes

Twitter / X
raccoon funny tweet library nostalgia the past

Hola España

subdaio @subdaio Spain legalized weed and starting 32 hour work weeks. The "American dream" is now to move out the country lol 12:44 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 21.6K Retweets 1,644 Quote Tweets 122K Likes
subdaio @subdaio Spain legalized weed and starting 32 hour work weeks. The "American dream" is now to move out the country lol 12:44 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 21.6K Retweets 1,644 Quote Tweets 122K Likes

Twitter / X
funny tweet american dream spain