I don't trust anyone who ends a sentence with the word friend, like "how are you, friend?"

That's too… friendly.

When I heard you were talking to someone on tumblr, I thought I'd witness special snowflakes get melted by Jack the Dipper.

Instead, I read your discussion with an actual Nazi online and how he enjoys Gravity Falls.

Add "Had an online conversation with a dead serious Nazi" to your list of achievements, right between "got noticed by Alex Hirsch himself" and "released a flurry of 'delivery' expanded dongs".