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NEWS IN BRIEF Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed Wednesday 4:28pm SEE MORE: GUNS DeliaR

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the ONION America's Finest News Source Breaking News: The Onion on the verge of collapse after not being able to make up s that is more idiotic than current reality.

NEWS IN BRIEF Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything Published October 10, 2022 | Alerts

me DOOM! www. "A.I. TECHNOLOGY" WILL DECIMATE OUR LIVELIHOODS! GLOOM! O S *LATEST FAD CHICKEN LITTLES * NATIONAL CARTOONIST LEAGUE 2023 CONFERENCE, intimoanis. THE END IS NEAR! 규 000000 SEASONED 4))) PROS DISCREET FLASKS COMPUTER, DRAW ME A CARTOON ABOUT TODAY'S LAZY TEENS WHO REFUSE TO WORK. AND BE SURE TO SIGN IT "KELLY"! PAYCHECK$ $ WHIRRRR "RENDERED" OBSOL-SWEET! BEEP! I WILL OBEY. BOOP! PROGRESS PRINTER O DELIVER TO EDITOR DOO Kelly 2023 ONION SYNDICATE 333 ATUU

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Dollar Tree To Stop Selling Assault Weapons

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Onion can't even anymore because reality too messed up

Funny boldomatic style "<em>meme</em>":/memes/memes about how The Onion is going to go out of business because the reality has gotten so messed up that their satire is no longer that ridiculous anymore.

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Funny Onion Article about BMW getting stuck in snow

Funny screen shot of "article from 2015 in The Onion":https://local.theonion.com/neighbors-come-together-to-watch-bmw-owner-struggle-in-1819577441 joking about how people don't like BMW owners very much and would enjoy watching them suffer while being stuck in the snow.

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RNC: ‘We Warned You Gay Marriage Would Be A Slippery Slope Toward Accepting Pedophilia’

theonion RNC: 'We Warned You Gay Marriage Would Be A Slippery Slope Toward Accepting P---------"

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The Onion has been assimilated into the rest of the Fusion Media Group websites, and ClickHole is not far behind.

THE ONIONTHE AV. CLUB DEADSPIN EARTHER GIZMODO JALOPNIK JEZEBEL KOTAKU LIFEHACKER SPLINTER THE ROOT the ONION POLITICS SPORTS LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT VIDEO CLICKHOLE the ONION Nauseous From Constant Scrolling Area Article New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles Scientists Discover 99% of NFL Plavers' Brains Slimv SEATTLE-In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players' brains are slimy. "After conducting an exhaustive, years-long.. Continue Reading 1-800-EAT-S--- Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrollingscier CHICAGO-Sources confirmed Wednesday that an online article is feeling nauseous from constantly scrolling. “Oh God, I don't feel so good," the 75 word news piece reportedly thought as it was violently and repeatedly sent flying up and then back down the website's homepage. "Please, please make it 1-800-EAT-S--- Finallv Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data Continue Reading

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Now everybody wish real hard

Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason POLICE

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Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex

Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex WASHINGTON-Saying the government was committed to helping military personnel reinforce their existing outward identity, Pentagon officials announced a plan Wednesday that would cover the cost of hormone treatment for servicemembers doubling down on their biological sex. "Effective immediately, the Defense Department will begin financing the hormone therapy of armed forces members who wish to recommit to the sex they were assigned at birth," said Defense Secretary James Mattis, adding that it was only right to provide assistance to soldiers who made the difficult decision to intensify the characteristics of the body they currently possess with a protocol of testosterone injections. "U.S. military health plans will now fully compensate any serviceman who would feel more comfortable-indeed, feel truly themselves-if his body hair was twice as thick and his voice was twice as deep as it is currently." Mattis went on to say that female soldiers, meanwhile, were ineligible for the plan but could occasionally take a dose of testosterone if they wanted. C

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The old joke

MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik's Cube Complete r. 2 CAMBRIDGE Mass.-A "This represents a major turn. team of MIT physicists breakthrough," said exhaust- "It was the classic example of announced Sunday that it has ed, red-knuckled project being too close to a problem to completed the vital third side leader Dr. Cedric Stephens. see the solution," Barstow of the Rubik's Cube, bringing "With this critical triad com- said. "Only by stepping back it ever closer to solving the pleted, there is reason to and rethinking our whole way believe we can complete the of looking at the cube could we 3 puzzle. final sides by perhaps even ultimately move forward." December of this year." 1000 0100 R=r, r 56=[ 0011 Barstow said it is "too soon to The scientists credited the tell" if this strategic shift breakthrough to a shift in their could be applied to other approach to the multi-colored hand-held twist puzzles, cube. Previously, they had including the Snake, Pyraminx focused their efforts on the and Missing Link. center-most square on each If the MIT team completes the tormula. nsI 4 The cube, pictured with the MIT team's theoretical completion Nation's Asylums Privatized; Millions of side of the puzzle. But team Rubik's Cube, its members will Rubik Institute officials, it w was University of Tokyo similarly be the first people in the world discovered that the German claimed to have solved the ever to do so. A team of scientists had illegally puzzle last month, but he, too, Berlin physicists removed the stickers and reap- was exposed as a fraud when plied them in their proper he was found to have pulled the cube apart and snapped it member Dr. Jim Barstow sug- Lunatics Set Free to Fend for Selves restebether Tiu Banatow FLg ested the group on the four outer corners while closely monitoring the position ity of Univers reported solving the puzzle PAGE 11D of each square on the reverse last November, but, upon close places. side of the cube during each examination of the cube by J Japanese scientist at the back together correctly.

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Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump

ELECTION 2016 ★ MORE ELECTION COVERAGE Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald 'Truump NEWS IN BRIEF November 10, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 44 Politics Election 2016 Donald Trump

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The Onion - Delta Pilot Refuses To Land Until Gun Control Legislation Passed

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