Notes:

"Gonna need ya to turn it down to at least about a '4'. 'kay, thanks."

A sassmometer – or sassmograph – is used to measure the sassitude of sassquakes on the internet.

You can determine the distance from the sass source by measuring the time between the P-waves – the passive waves (the time when the first signs of disturbance can be detected, but the subject is still passive) – and the S-waves – the sassive waves (when the sass starts to show itself).

Depending on the sassitude of the sass, measured according to the Being-A-Dichter scale, the effect can vary greatly. Low sassitudes are mostly harmless and can still remain subtle. The mid-range sassitudes can really catch people's attention, and it can start to have an affect on their sass; at this point the source of the sass can be considered as "being a d---" albeit a clever one. Additionally, they might be asked to turn down the sass a bit in a playful or even precautionary manner. However, the high-end sassitudes are not as clever and well-received as the rest; sassitude 9.0 sassquakes can totally disrupt a conversation or comment section and devolve into a sass warzone; the sass source is now considered a "total d---" on the Being-A-Dichter scale and might be demanded they turn down the sass.

What the f-- am I even doing?-