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THE VENUE Had a billion rules and made it clear that if we broke any of them, we would be charged egregiously Made us hire security and came to check on us throughout the event MY MOM Horribly anxious that something would go wrong all weekend Wanted to follow every rule and every point on the itinerary and got scared whenever anyone didn't; started a lot of arguments I'm surprised she didn't cry during the ceremony MY UNCLE'S GIRLFRIEND She was a hippie in the 70s and she's now a librarian First time I ever met her, I asked about her life She spent a lot of the day talking to the trans girl MOM'S FRIEND 1 She and her husband were family friends of ours but last year she cheated on him, divorced him, and took his kids and house I disrespect her for this reason, but my family sided with her for some reason She tried to give me life advice and I blew her off TRANS GIRL One of groom's friends, both her parents were killed in a car crash when she was in college and she was so traumatized that she transitioned sexes Appeared sad and lonely throughout the evening, spoke only to the groom and my uncle's gf CRYING BABY My sister explicitly prohibited children from the wedding but the groom's sister insisted on bringing her two- year-old daughter No f------ surprise, she began to cry when my sister was walking down the aisle Totally drowned out the music and tarnished a very special moment MY AUNT Ex-sorority girl who married into money, openly complained about minor imperfections in the day After the wedding she messaged our family Facebook group and told us not to post any photos with her in them MY GRANDMA Got a nosejob two months before the wedding and wore a $1,000 dress literally just to spite my grandpa Even though it was my sister's special day, she brought every point of conversation back to herself May her death be quick and merciful MY GRANDPA'S GIRLFRIEND 89-year-old Fragile and Holocaust survivor constantly beset by health problems Refused to eat anything but tea and bread and made calls to her Israeli family in Hebrew I have never seen him angry and I'm sure I never will THE GROOM'S SISTER Left to teach English in Germany when she was 20 and only returned 12 years later for the wedding She's been abroad so long that she speaks English with a German accent We spoke to each other in this language throughout the weekend; it was like a secret code between us HOTEL LIMPADORA My Dad clogged the Instead she hotel toilet and I went handed me the out into the hall to plunger and request that the cleaning lady plunge it some gloves and I did it GATEKEEPING NEIGHBOR Looked like she was having a bad day so I didn't mind During the rehearsal dinner he came from a nearby house to ask we were allowed to be here "Yes, we booked the place." "Ok. Keep it down or I'll call the police." MY SISTER Spent weeks and weeks making a detailed itinerary that we all had to follow down to the minute Surprisingly everything went smoothly and she executed the day with poise Really a textbook wedding Brought moonshine for us all, we took shots before the ceremony One of the manliest men I've ever met Groom's friend from college, now climbing the ladder in investment Latched onto Uncle 2 and had a great conversation with banking THE GROOM GROOM'S COUSINS UNCLE 2 Quiet, agreeable, docile fellow whose friends are somehow all muscular veterans was a band geek in school and this is very much reflected in his personality today Two college-aged football players who showed up to the rehearsal dinner in shorts and t-shirts, spoke to nobody, swiped some food, then dipped At the wedding they spoke to nobody but their parents him GROOMSMAN 1 UNCLE 1 Professional wrestler, still has a healing scar on his forehead from when he got his head bashed open three weeks ago I think they went golfing together the next day SECURITY THE MINISTER Wore robes with crosses on them and said "Praise Jesus!" every other sentence ME I love my sister but given that my Dad was single-handedly making the rehearsal dinner, I knew the weekend would be all unpaid labor on my part We were required to hire him as part of the venue contract although it was clear there wouldn't be any issues And indeed, it was! I tried to take a break and kick back and celebrate as much as possible, but I kept having to do s--- He just hung around and flirted with girls in their 20s although he was close to 60 and balding I think I saw him take an upskirt photo but I can't be certain GROOM'S PARENTS MY GRANDPA Very religious Anglo-Saxon Midwesterners who loved Miller Lite and fried foods Morbidly obese, never saw them drink water and only lots and lots of soda and alcohol (1) Did not offer to help with the manual labor Second smartest person I've ever met, went to Harvard then was in the Air Force for 14 years then has a blank spot on his resume for 10 years where he was doing some unknown thing and now he works in the airline industry I think? Seemed visibly uncomfortable and like he wanted to be somewhere else Whenever I spoke to him he made a clever remark back Wealthy Wall Street investment banker who was wearing an expensive suit and appeared to be above us all I asked him for life advice and he gave me a sheltered answer Took a business call during the reception although it was a Sunday at 7 PM Came up from South Texas, wore a Hawaiian shirt to the rehearsal dinner and spoke with a loud and boisterous southern accent UNCLE 3 At 92, the oldest person at the wedding. Close to death and needed help going up stairs. Exclusively drank Coca-Cola and asked if there were any shooting ranges nearby The sous-chef was almost certainly high miles from civilization on benzos Told me I needed to move down to Texas, where "everything is big and the p---- is free" Ex-Marine, now a charismatic family man with two kids FINANCE BRO THE CATERERS MOM'S FRIEND 2 Redpilled antivaxxer My Dad tried to talk Got paid $100/ with the head chef guest, plus tip, and got snapped at for what was a mediocre dinner who lives in a farmhouse Inserted an unauthorized sentence ("and we pray for the bride's sexual fertility") in his sermon and the congregation laughed Extremely conservative and kept trying to bring up politics GROOMSMAN 2 We whispered Holocaust jokes to each other throughout the day Cornered me and told me I needed to find a woman to be happy. I told him I'm happy as is and he scoffed and said "no you're not." Blatantly asked if I was g----------- in front of my extended family, it was humiliating. An eccentric guy, was getting paid $2,500 literally to switch songs on a playlist for six hours We got in a push- up competition in our tuxedoes MY DAD Fiercely-independent chef who insisted on single-handedly doing the rehearsal dinner, and was consequently very stressed and overworked One of the most based people I've ever met Broke tons of venue rules and yelled back when people tried to correct him Slept maybe six hours the whole weekend The groom's grandma wore a mask and my mom's friend told me she was "Biden brainwashed" Also tried to give me life advice, but I don't really respect her THE DJ Got two girls' numbers and at one point encouraged my aunt to "get her ass on the dance floor" At the end of the night my Dad reluctantly tipped I him and he asked for more

This past weekend, my sister got married. Here's a 6x5 wojak compass of how the wedding weekend went. | /r/PoliticalCompassMemes


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Political Compass - This past weekend, my sister got married. Here's a 6x5 wojak compass of how the wedding weekend went. | /r/PoliticalCompassMemes

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