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4chan - shit happens

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>> □ 09/27/06(Wed)06:53 17 No 13457437 All in all, it hadn't been a good day Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with si cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden hanch at Taco Bell As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rambles and the emussion of the occasional tiny fart that Big Thangs would be happering soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my fiancee. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car Inoticed a large sale sign proclamng. 'Everything Must Gol" This was prophetic, for my colon nformed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the ive stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I wnite a lot of software) for your convenience >> □ 09/27/06(Wed)06:53 28 No. 13457445 0.Occupied 1 Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one 2 Poo on seat 3 Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unadentfiable liquid splattered on seat 4 No todet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of todet Clearly, it had to be Stall #1 I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down I'm normally a faurly Shameful Sh Iter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbing, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shamefil habit, my sphincter slammed shut The inane conversation went on and on Mr. Shltter wars blathemg to Mrs Shltter about the sh1tty day he had I sat there, cramp㎎ and miserable, waitng for him to firash As the loud comersation dragged on, I became angrier and angier, thnking that I too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertam terms that f1adn't get crapp㎎ soon, my day would be getting even crappser. >>口09/27/06(Wed)06:53:39 No.13457447 Fnally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefuness. I no longer cared I gipped the todet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnatude - a cross between the sound of someone nipping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not untke someone fining up a Harley. I managed to ht the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently Once my ass cheeks stopped lapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:)1) The nest-door conversation had ceased, (2) my colon's continued seizng indcated that there was more to come, and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a homible, eldritch stench It was as if a gateway to Hel had been opened The foul maasma quckly made way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This inutial herald' fart had ended has conversation in mad-sentence >> □ 09/27/06(Wed)06:53:53 No. 1 3457455 Oh my God,"I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag. you could hear that (gag)?n Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually Lfted sightly off the pot The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed agamst the bowl with tremendous force. Later 11 surveying the damage, rd see that liqud poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now all I could do was hang on for the nide Next door I could hear him fuumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselbres heard over my a--- symphony "Gotta go. homble. throw up n my mouthnot. make it.. tell the kids. love them. oh God followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retchang Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from neat door, followed by string of swear words and gags My poop-mate had dropped has phone into the todet There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision hin standng there, wondering what to do. A final a--- arnouncement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisly nto the water. That must have been the last straw I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard ham running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind hin >> □ 09/27/06(Wed)0654 07 No. 13457460 After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with thas, but I knew that flushing was not an option No tolet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a Boor Blooded with ith As I left, I glanced into the neat-door stall Nothing remained in the bow Had he flushed has phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know I exated the bathroom, momentarly proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimanation has managed to transfer my he can bring himself to poop in public andI doubt he'l ever again answer has cell phone in the loo And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in thebathroom s to my anotymous poop-mate. I think i'll be a S--- HAPPENS And when it does, post it on /b/

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