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"Do you know how long I’ve spent in the Guardian’s image archives to find a picture of a bog standard cake? Bloody ages! Thousands of images and not one thing that you’d recognise as a normal cake. This weird ice cream thing is the best I could do. Everything else has a sodding fried egg or a bunch of parsley obscuring it, or has been arranged to resemble a Picasso painting or a sculpture reflecting the futility of existence. When did this place become riddled with hipsters? God, I’m so tired… Photograph: Brian Hagiwara/Getty Images "