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No funnel cakes or monkey bread. Any kind of bread you tear apart. / Only regular Cheerios. / No music with saxophone. / No temperatures above sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit. /No duets featuring Michael MacDonald. / No cinnamon. Its aroma is too primal. / No takeout boxes with clear plastic tops. / Male n------ must remained covered at all times. / No Gil- lette Venus razors. / No putting greens, leafy greens, or punk rock teens. / Absolutely no aquariums. / None of those clown scarves you can keep pullin' on forever. / No references to sassy black comediennes, up to and including Mo'nique. / No white gardenia scented candles. / No grand openings or grand re-openings of any kind. /Don't let her see any very old or very new cars. / No stemless wine glasses. / No skewered foods. / No goatees, no soul patches, no fu manchus. / No yard sales run by fat people. /No operational oil derricks. / No yuzu or hamachi, especially in conjunction with one another. / No Israeli couscous, and I mean zero. / No old-timey hand painted signs. / No buffets that serve Alaskan king crab legs. / No tunnels! / No Sam Elliot! / No saganaki or any other food that is served flaming or sizzling. / No Jeff Dunham puppets except for the old man one. Actually no, just no Jeff Dunham puppets. / No talk of times gone by or days of yore. / No rhyming. / No roughhousing around pools. / No radio stations that play music from the '80s, '90s, and even today. / No Fiji water, no Fugee music. / No bass solos that start like, "Bum bumbum boom bambabamba boom boom."/ No provocative textures like corduroy/ Under no circumstances is she to see the naked haunches of a horse / No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals that drive their mascots insane. /No bulging carrots. You know the kind. / Steer discussion away from the Lamba- da. / No free skate at the roller rink. / No soft cheeses. / No BeeGees except for Maurice. /No chicken fries! / No breaded meat. / No discussion of what the Noid is up to now. / No photographing rabbits. / Allowed to handle Post-Its but one at a /No snapping into Slim Jims. / No darker shade of pale (actual shades, not the song). / No backsies. / No black Ye tennis in cold climates. / Pre-approved foods: unbuttered wheat bread. / No adult braces. / No embraces. / No erotic. / No parking meters. Francine sees them as silver d----/ No polka dots, Francine sees them as d---- \t at her. Head-on d----. / No thick stripes. /No plaid./ Pickles are okay. / No looking at the sun. /No joysticks. anses, talk of menses or loose endses./ Foods must have at least three ingredients that were previously fro- htion of the docks episodes of The Wire./No kissing on the mouth/ No skin to skin contact with humans or hals./ Nothing over 5.1 surround sound. /No sweetbreads. And no telling Francine what sweetbreads are ways fast-forward through the flaming bull scenes in The Last Unicorn./ No hailstones! / No butterflies or hetamorphosis. / Approved Crayon colors: Winter Beige, Docker's Brown, Dorian Gray. /Fluorescent lighting the buzz of neon. / No tentacled mollusks. / No Vore P---. / No gabled roofs./ No cellular signal bars longer an 3mm./ No Darker Shade of Pale (Yes, the song)./ No gamey meats. / No Vulcanized rubber. / No Stetsons. / Medium cheddar only. /No Shannon Sharpe highlights./ Absolutely no mention of D--- Butkus.

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Uploaded Jan 23, 2022 at 10:23PM EST

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