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What kind of monkey flies?
a hot air baboon

You have 5 dollars, I have a gun, who has more money?

You have 5 dollars, chuck norris has 5 dollars, who has more money?

Why did the Spy Cross the road?

He never really was on your side.

What's 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the night?

Cot death.

Screwing is boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
Incest is relatively boring.

A zoophile, a pedophile and an extremal end up in one jail cell.

One hour later:

Zoophile: "Wish there was a cat…"
Pedophile: "A kitten, better even…"
Extremal: "Well… like… meow…?"
.
.
.
Don't ask where I come up with this stuff.

A man walks in to the psychiatrists office
wearing shorts made of plastic wrap.
He asks to see the doctor,
and the doctor says….
"well I can clearly see your nuts"

An 18 year old boy loses his virginity for the first time. He tells his dad about it, and his dad is so proud of his son that he takes him out on the town. The dad says "So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me about your first time?" The boy answers "Yeah, when does my butt stop hurting?"

(I don't remember the exact words, but it was something like that n_n)

That's what my first time would be like if I were to lose it today.

Hey guys, I have a really good Knock-knock joke, but you need to start it off.

Knock knock.

Knock-knock, it's me!

YOUR FACE!

^You can't make a trollface THAT good, you're just jealous!

I read somewhere that this was the funniest joke ever as voted by some people in a survey or something: (Paraphrased because I don't remember it exactly)

Two guys are hunting in a forest. Suddenly, a tree branch falls on one of the guys' heads and is knocked out. The other one gets scared and quickly calls 911. The operator there says, "911. What is your emergency?" The conscious hunter says, "Hi, I think my friend is dead." The operator replies, "Okay, first, I need you to guarantee that your friend has passed away." The hunter says, "Okay. Hold on a second," and puts down the phone. After a few seconds, the operator hears a gun shot. The hunter picks up the phone again and says, "Okay, now what?"

A rabbi, a priest, an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman, three blondes, a dog, a cat, two ducks, a bear, a vampire and frankenstein's monster all walk into a bar.

The barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

A pirate goes into a bar.
The bartender says to him, “Did you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?”
The pirate replies, “Arrrrr, It's driving me nuts!”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

A guy walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Get the fuck out, we're closed."

A White Horse walks into a bar, the barman says: "We've got a Whiskey named after you!", the horse replies: "What? Eric?".

A woman walks into a bar.

(it's funny because she's out of the kitchen)

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?
A pilot you racist prick

Imagine your in a wheelchair. Why did the chicken cross the road? ……………………………………………………………………………………..
Cause they can walk.

What does the guy say after walking into a bar?

"Ow."

Ok guys, I dont mean to go back into my old racist days but ive got one for ya if I can remember it correctly.

Michelle Obama, Barrack Obama, and Oprah are all sitting in a plane.

Michelle says, "I can throw a dollar out the window and make somebody happy"

Barrack says, "I can throw a hundred dollars out the window and make 100 people happy"

Oprah says, "I can throw a million dollars out the window and make one million people happy"

Then the pilot says, "I can throw three niggers off this mother fucker and make everybody happy!!!"

Also I dont want any shit about being racist, being partially black comes with benefits so get over it.

@Jeane

OMFG I remember that one!!!! I heard it from my friend Tyler, but he didn't say it as well. I guess its true what they say…… You really are the Nigger Queen amirite? I heard you once shoved an entire watermellon into a man's mouth……….. JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD….. And once made a homeless man choke on your KFC…. JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD…. And one time even got killed, but still managed to make slight appearances in No More Heroes 2….. Just because…..

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits a car windshield?

…

Its butt.

^

How many Oregonians are needed to change a lightbulb?

All of them – one changes the bulb, while the rest of the population holds off Californians who would come to help.

What do Michael Jackson's penis and a diaper have in common?
…… They are both white, plastic, and have baby shit all over them.

(dont take it personal I like M.J… I just found this funny as hell XD)

^gross, not funny

Two soldiers hear a baby girl crying in the Korean war.

They ask her, "Why are you crying sweet heart?"

To which she replies, "I just found out I'm Korean."

DOH!!! I did it again! (Racism)

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

How many scientologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
2,one to put it in,the other to tell tom it costs 20,000 dollars