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The Onion has been assimilated into the rest of the Fusion Media Group websites, and ClickHole is no...

THE ONIONTHE AV. CLUB DEADSPIN EARTHER GIZMODO JALOPNIK JEZEBEL KOTAKU LIFEHACKER SPLINTER THE ROOT the ONION POLITICS SPORTS LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT VIDEO CLICKHOLE the ONION Nauseous From Constant Scrolling Area Article New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles Scientists Discover 99% of NFL Plavers' Brains Slimv SEATTLE-In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players' brains are slimy. "After conducting an exhaustive, years-long.. Continue Reading 1-800-EAT-S--- Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrollingscier CHICAGO-Sources confirmed Wednesday that an online article is feeling nauseous from constantly scrolling. “Oh God, I don't feel so good," the 75 word news piece reportedly thought as it was violently and repeatedly sent flying up and then back down the website's homepage. "Please, please make it 1-800-EAT-S--- Finallv Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data Continue Reading
THE ONIONTHE AV. CLUB DEADSPIN EARTHER GIZMODO JALOPNIK JEZEBEL KOTAKU LIFEHACKER SPLINTER THE ROOT the ONION POLITICS SPORTS LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT VIDEO CLICKHOLE the ONION Nauseous From Constant Scrolling Area Article New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles Scientists Discover 99% of NFL Plavers' Brains Slimv SEATTLE-In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players' brains are slimy. "After conducting an exhaustive, years-long.. Continue Reading 1-800-EAT-S--- Area Article Nauseous From Constant Scrollingscier CHICAGO-Sources confirmed Wednesday that an online article is feeling nauseous from constantly scrolling. “Oh God, I don't feel so good," the 75 word news piece reportedly thought as it was violently and repeatedly sent flying up and then back down the website's homepage. "Please, please make it 1-800-EAT-S--- Finallv Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data Continue Reading

The Onion
the onion website the a.v. club fusion clickhole

Now everybody wish real hard

Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason POLICE
Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason POLICE

The Onion
onion las vegas shooting

Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate

Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate
Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate

The Onion
donald trump donald trump's transgender military ban

Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biolo...

Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex WASHINGTON-Saying the government was committed to helping military personnel reinforce their existing outward identity, Pentagon officials announced a plan Wednesday that would cover the cost of hormone treatment for servicemembers doubling down on their biological sex. "Effective immediately, the Defense Department will begin financing the hormone therapy of armed forces members who wish to recommit to the sex they were assigned at birth," said Defense Secretary James Mattis, adding that it was only right to provide assistance to soldiers who made the difficult decision to intensify the characteristics of the body they currently possess with a protocol of testosterone injections. "U.S. military health plans will now fully compensate any serviceman who would feel more comfortable-indeed, feel truly themselves-if his body hair was twice as thick and his voice was twice as deep as it is currently." Mattis went on to say that female soldiers, meanwhile, were ineligible for the plan but could occasionally take a dose of testosterone if they wanted. C
Pentagon Announces Plan To Cover Cost Of Hormone Treatment For Servicemembers Doubling Down On Biological Sex WASHINGTON-Saying the government was committed to helping military personnel reinforce their existing outward identity, Pentagon officials announced a plan Wednesday that would cover the cost of hormone treatment for servicemembers doubling down on their biological sex. "Effective immediately, the Defense Department will begin financing the hormone therapy of armed forces members who wish to recommit to the sex they were assigned at birth," said Defense Secretary James Mattis, adding that it was only right to provide assistance to soldiers who made the difficult decision to intensify the characteristics of the body they currently possess with a protocol of testosterone injections. "U.S. military health plans will now fully compensate any serviceman who would feel more comfortable-indeed, feel truly themselves-if his body hair was twice as thick and his voice was twice as deep as it is currently." Mattis went on to say that female soldiers, meanwhile, were ineligible for the plan but could occasionally take a dose of testosterone if they wanted. C

The Onion
the pentagon hormone treatment donald trump's transgender military ban

The old joke

MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik's Cube Complete r. 2 CAMBRIDGE Mass.-A "This represents a major turn. team of MIT physicists breakthrough," said exhaust- "It was the classic example of announced Sunday that it has ed, red-knuckled project being too close to a problem to completed the vital third side leader Dr. Cedric Stephens. see the solution," Barstow of the Rubik's Cube, bringing "With this critical triad com- said. "Only by stepping back it ever closer to solving the pleted, there is reason to and rethinking our whole way believe we can complete the of looking at the cube could we 3 puzzle. final sides by perhaps even ultimately move forward." December of this year." 1000 0100 R=r, r 56=[ 0011 Barstow said it is "too soon to The scientists credited the tell" if this strategic shift breakthrough to a shift in their could be applied to other approach to the multi-colored hand-held twist puzzles, cube. Previously, they had including the Snake, Pyraminx focused their efforts on the and Missing Link. center-most square on each If the MIT team completes the tormula. nsI 4 The cube, pictured with the MIT team's theoretical completion Nation's Asylums Privatized; Millions of side of the puzzle. But team Rubik's Cube, its members will Rubik Institute officials, it w was University of Tokyo similarly be the first people in the world discovered that the German claimed to have solved the ever to do so. A team of scientists had illegally puzzle last month, but he, too, Berlin physicists removed the stickers and reap- was exposed as a fraud when plied them in their proper he was found to have pulled the cube apart and snapped it member Dr. Jim Barstow sug- Lunatics Set Free to Fend for Selves restebether Tiu Banatow FLg ested the group on the four outer corners while closely monitoring the position ity of Univers reported solving the puzzle PAGE 11D of each square on the reverse last November, but, upon close places. side of the cube during each examination of the cube by J Japanese scientist at the back together correctly.
MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik's Cube Complete r. 2 CAMBRIDGE Mass.-A "This represents a major turn. team of MIT physicists breakthrough," said exhaust- "It was the classic example of announced Sunday that it has ed, red-knuckled project being too close to a problem to completed the vital third side leader Dr. Cedric Stephens. see the solution," Barstow of the Rubik's Cube, bringing "With this critical triad com- said. "Only by stepping back it ever closer to solving the pleted, there is reason to and rethinking our whole way believe we can complete the of looking at the cube could we 3 puzzle. final sides by perhaps even ultimately move forward." December of this year." 1000 0100 R=r, r 56=[ 0011 Barstow said it is "too soon to The scientists credited the tell" if this strategic shift breakthrough to a shift in their could be applied to other approach to the multi-colored hand-held twist puzzles, cube. Previously, they had including the Snake, Pyraminx focused their efforts on the and Missing Link. center-most square on each If the MIT team completes the tormula. nsI 4 The cube, pictured with the MIT team's theoretical completion Nation's Asylums Privatized; Millions of side of the puzzle. But team Rubik's Cube, its members will Rubik Institute officials, it w was University of Tokyo similarly be the first people in the world discovered that the German claimed to have solved the ever to do so. A team of scientists had illegally puzzle last month, but he, too, Berlin physicists removed the stickers and reap- was exposed as a fraud when plied them in their proper he was found to have pulled the cube apart and snapped it member Dr. Jim Barstow sug- Lunatics Set Free to Fend for Selves restebether Tiu Banatow FLg ested the group on the four outer corners while closely monitoring the position ity of Univers reported solving the puzzle PAGE 11D of each square on the reverse last November, but, upon close places. side of the cube during each examination of the cube by J Japanese scientist at the back together correctly.

The Onion
rubik's cube scientist mit formula

Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump

ELECTION 2016 ★ MORE ELECTION COVERAGE Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald 'Truump NEWS IN BRIEF November 10, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 44 Politics Election 2016 Donald Trump
ELECTION 2016 ★ MORE ELECTION COVERAGE Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald 'Truump NEWS IN BRIEF November 10, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 44 Politics Election 2016 Donald Trump

The Onion
donald trump the onion 2016 us presidential election

Unfortunately, this isn't satire. Yes, Hillary did just buy The Onion.

Home Terms and Conditions Disclaimer LIVE STREAM Subscribe to Our Newsletter Privacy Policy About Us Contact Us The Free Thought Projeot.com Free Minds, Free People 18 HOME #SOLUTIONS POLICE BRUTALITY FOREIGN AFFAIRS CHECK BACKGROUND RECORDS GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION FILMING COPS Feb ABOUT US CONTACT US DISCLAIMER LIVE STREAM PRVACY POLICY SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER Search Free Thought Project <> niversity of Texas Announces They Will Allow Students to Carry Handguns into Classrooms Hillary's Top Donor Just Bought The Onion- Started Publishing Propaganda Immediately By Claire Bernish on February 18, 2016e e Paid Content: 169 125 43 56 8-1 init Reddit Tweet Email Share Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring Natural Trick For Restoring Hair Color Stops Grey Hair New Multi-Vitamin NEWS IN BRIEF February 16, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 06 Politics Politicians Hillary Clinton Election 2016 A Seduction Technique Women Can't Resist Simple Trick To Make Anyone Your Girlfriend the ONIO 3 Simple Steps To Fat Hormone Get Any Woman To Stops Women From Obsess Over You Losing Weight
Home Terms and Conditions Disclaimer LIVE STREAM Subscribe to Our Newsletter Privacy Policy About Us Contact Us The Free Thought Projeot.com Free Minds, Free People 18 HOME #SOLUTIONS POLICE BRUTALITY FOREIGN AFFAIRS CHECK BACKGROUND RECORDS GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION FILMING COPS Feb ABOUT US CONTACT US DISCLAIMER LIVE STREAM PRVACY POLICY SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER Search Free Thought Project <> niversity of Texas Announces They Will Allow Students to Carry Handguns into Classrooms Hillary's Top Donor Just Bought The Onion- Started Publishing Propaganda Immediately By Claire Bernish on February 18, 2016e e Paid Content: 169 125 43 56 8-1 init Reddit Tweet Email Share Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring Natural Trick For Restoring Hair Color Stops Grey Hair New Multi-Vitamin NEWS IN BRIEF February 16, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 06 Politics Politicians Hillary Clinton Election 2016 A Seduction Technique Women Can't Resist Simple Trick To Make Anyone Your Girlfriend the ONIO 3 Simple Steps To Fat Hormone Get Any Woman To Stops Women From Obsess Over You Losing Weight

The Onion
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The Onion Has Got It Right

Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now
Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now

The Onion
recall toyota camry

It's OP

Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F--- Up Every Time MARCH 7, 2011 1ISSUE 47-10 I MORE NEWS
Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F--- Up Every Time MARCH 7, 2011 1ISSUE 47-10 I MORE NEWS

The Onion
the onion reaction:disappoint scientist

Be sure to poke holes so they can breath

MENU dthe ONION SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks SEARCH a TOP HEADLINES SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks NEWS IN PHOTOS November 10, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 45 News Business Animals MORE FROM ONION, INC. New iPhone Geared Towards College- Aged Girls Comes With Pre-Shattered S... The Onion Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares The Onion Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts The Onion Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old P-------- The Onion
MENU dthe ONION SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks SEARCH a TOP HEADLINES SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks NEWS IN PHOTOS November 10, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 45 News Business Animals MORE FROM ONION, INC. New iPhone Geared Towards College- Aged Girls Comes With Pre-Shattered S... The Onion Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares The Onion Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts The Onion Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old P-------- The Onion

The Onion
shamu orcas seaworld fish tanks whale tanks plastic bags baggies goldfish cleaning san diejo onion article this actually made me laugh at my phone but if anyone can do that it's the onion

Government to confiscate one person's guns

Government To Confiscate One Person's Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm Tllns AT GENT The ATFsaysfinding outjust how apoplectic the nation's gun owners become will be well worth the raid's$19 million price tag. WASHINGTON-Saying they can't wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation's most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.
Government To Confiscate One Person's Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm Tllns AT GENT The ATFsaysfinding outjust how apoplectic the nation's gun owners become will be well worth the raid's$19 million price tag. WASHINGTON-Saying they can't wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation's most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.

The Onion
gun guns gun control government

Security Hacks

Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It NEWS IN PHOTOS Local Technology Internet ISSUE 50 31 Aug 7, 2014 Share on Twitter gt Share on Facebook 27.1K 885 242
Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It NEWS IN PHOTOS Local Technology Internet ISSUE 50 31 Aug 7, 2014 Share on Twitter gt Share on Facebook 27.1K 885 242

The Onion
satire security hacks computer post-it password

A important life lesson

HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling Revenge' In Blood In Conference Room NEWS IN BRIEF September 12, 2014 VOL 50 ISSUE 36 Local Mental Health Workplace ONION VIDE JEFFREYP TOP NEWS 6-Year-Old Dat:a Entertaining Off Agencies SPOKANE, WA-After the eighth such incident this year, Vista Consulting Partners human resources director Beth Shumaker sent out a company-wide email Thursday reminding employees not to scrawl the word "revenge" in blood across any surface in the conference room. "Most of you are already familiar with this rule, but just as a refresher, it's directly against company policy for an employee to use blood to write revenge' on the conference room walls, door, or table," wrote Shumaker, emphasizing that it did not matter if the word was rendered in human or animal blood. "Remember that we all use this room, and it's inconsiderate to force your colleagues to delay their meeting to scrub revenge' off the whiteboard or windows." Shumaker added that any employee who wanted revenge should simply carve the word into the forehead of his or her supervisor.
HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling Revenge' In Blood In Conference Room NEWS IN BRIEF September 12, 2014 VOL 50 ISSUE 36 Local Mental Health Workplace ONION VIDE JEFFREYP TOP NEWS 6-Year-Old Dat:a Entertaining Off Agencies SPOKANE, WA-After the eighth such incident this year, Vista Consulting Partners human resources director Beth Shumaker sent out a company-wide email Thursday reminding employees not to scrawl the word "revenge" in blood across any surface in the conference room. "Most of you are already familiar with this rule, but just as a refresher, it's directly against company policy for an employee to use blood to write revenge' on the conference room walls, door, or table," wrote Shumaker, emphasizing that it did not matter if the word was rendered in human or animal blood. "Remember that we all use this room, and it's inconsiderate to force your colleagues to delay their meeting to scrub revenge' off the whiteboard or windows." Shumaker added that any employee who wanted revenge should simply carve the word into the forehead of his or her supervisor.

The Onion
the onion

The Onion is two for two.

Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don't You? theonion.com
Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don't You? theonion.com

The Onion
donald trump politics

I dunno, some title

Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts the ONION
Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts the ONION

The Onion
tape onion two million hours study tape roll

"FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In The United States: Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon"

ENthe ONION FIFA Frantically Annof aIN THIS SECTION + FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon ARTICLE May 27, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 21 Sports World Womens Sports And Soccer Fifa FIFA ZURICH-After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer's governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer's 2015 World Cup. "We are thrilled to reveal that, for the first time in 21 years, the World Cup will finally return to America, with matches set to kick off today at 5 p.m. local time in Los Angeles," said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, smiling broadly before unveiling the tournament's official logo, a hand-drawn stick figure kicking a soccer ball with “USA 2015!" hastily scribbled in black marker above its head. “with world-class venues in cities across the country and a rapidly growing passion for the sport, the U.S. is the perfect choice-really the only choice-for this summer's tournament. Everyone at FIFA is certain that the 2015 World Cup in America will be a tremendous success, and billions of fans from around the world will, in justa few hours, come together to enjoy this wonderful display of soccer over the coming weeks." At press time, the U.S. national team was leading defending champions Germany in the World Cup's opening match after being awarded 12 penalties in the game's first three minutes.
ENthe ONION FIFA Frantically Annof aIN THIS SECTION + FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon ARTICLE May 27, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 21 Sports World Womens Sports And Soccer Fifa FIFA ZURICH-After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer's governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer's 2015 World Cup. "We are thrilled to reveal that, for the first time in 21 years, the World Cup will finally return to America, with matches set to kick off today at 5 p.m. local time in Los Angeles," said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, smiling broadly before unveiling the tournament's official logo, a hand-drawn stick figure kicking a soccer ball with “USA 2015!" hastily scribbled in black marker above its head. “with world-class venues in cities across the country and a rapidly growing passion for the sport, the U.S. is the perfect choice-really the only choice-for this summer's tournament. Everyone at FIFA is certain that the 2015 World Cup in America will be a tremendous success, and billions of fans from around the world will, in justa few hours, come together to enjoy this wonderful display of soccer over the coming weeks." At press time, the U.S. national team was leading defending champions Germany in the World Cup's opening match after being awarded 12 penalties in the game's first three minutes.

The Onion
the onion fifa corruption scandal satire satirical news

The Onion delivers.

Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total F------ Bitch NEWS IN BRIEF Local Education Human Interest Kids ISSUE 51-09-Mar 2, 2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter 8' randomfandomteacher: theonion MERIDIAN, ID Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. T f------ hate her, 14 year-old Scaret Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up wel past midhight providing individual feeaback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can't afford them. "Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? hope she dies. Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doean't really give a s--- about his job and shows up hungover most momings, is super popular and very cool. Oh my God YESSSSSSSSSSS This what I hear when you all post s--- about your teachers
Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total F------ Bitch NEWS IN BRIEF Local Education Human Interest Kids ISSUE 51-09-Mar 2, 2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter 8' randomfandomteacher: theonion MERIDIAN, ID Students at Union Junior High School reported Monday that eighth-grade history teacher Evelyn Carmody, a tireless educator who has dedicated her whole life to the vocation of teaching, is a total goddamn bitch. T f------ hate her, 14 year-old Scaret Ramsey said of the woman who not only stays up wel past midhight providing individual feeaback on each paper she grades, but also sets aside nearly $1,000 of her income each year to buy books and basic supplies for students who can't afford them. "Give us homework over a three-day weekend? Who does that bitch think she is? hope she dies. Sources also stated that eighth-grade English teacher Mark Bradstone, who doean't really give a s--- about his job and shows up hungover most momings, is super popular and very cool. Oh my God YESSSSSSSSSSS This what I hear when you all post s--- about your teachers

The Onion
tumblr the onion teacher school

U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters

U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters NEWS IN PHOTOS Government Money News ISSUE 51-05 Feb 5,2015 UNITED STATES MINT
U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters NEWS IN PHOTOS Government Money News ISSUE 51-05 Feb 5,2015 UNITED STATES MINT

The Onion
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It's... The Onion...

via Jay James 7 hrs. I say b------- Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children's Biological Parents Own Mansions THEONION.COM Share It's...The Onion Jay 7 hrs Sande 1 hr Jay 1 hr James 1 hr 1 Jay 1 hr Jay 56 mins Total BS!!! Again...it's The Onion Jay I am afraid their research may be flawed My god...it's The Onion. Hello...earth to Starke County LOL!! www.theonion.com
via Jay James 7 hrs. I say b------- Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children's Biological Parents Own Mansions THEONION.COM Share It's...The Onion Jay 7 hrs Sande 1 hr Jay 1 hr James 1 hr 1 Jay 1 hr Jay 56 mins Total BS!!! Again...it's The Onion Jay I am afraid their research may be flawed My god...it's The Onion. Hello...earth to Starke County LOL!! www.theonion.com

The Onion
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Health experts

Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back NEWS IN BRIEF Health Fitness Lifestyle ISSUE 51.05 Feb 6,2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back NEWS IN BRIEF Health Fitness Lifestyle ISSUE 51.05 Feb 6,2015 f Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

The Onion
health work