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I promise I am having a good time

andy sibbs @sibbsbutemo sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. its not you, it's just past 10pm
andy sibbs @sibbsbutemo sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. its not you, it's just past 10pm

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Ugh...

when u realize u messed up ur sleeping pattern and now u gotta do the 24h challenge ExtremeBlitz
when u realize u messed up ur sleeping pattern and now u gotta do the 24h challenge ExtremeBlitz

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My biggest fumble

Yem @Big_Yem You wake up tomorrow and the year is 2002. What do you do? Chalant @OnlyHanz Buy a house with my lunch money
Yem @Big_Yem You wake up tomorrow and the year is 2002. What do you do? Chalant @OnlyHanz Buy a house with my lunch money

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Sometimes they like the slaps

Erin Maher @ErinMaherWrites Okay but why does every man pet a dog like he's slapping the hull of an old wooden ship?
Erin Maher @ErinMaherWrites Okay but why does every man pet a dog like he's slapping the hull of an old wooden ship?

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SHUT up

JINSEOP @YAHHHJINSEOPP today marks the 10 year anniversary of the time i fell off the swings at a park and some baskid said "what season is it?? fall?" i pray that he's dead every single day
JINSEOP @YAHHHJINSEOPP today marks the 10 year anniversary of the time i fell off the swings at a park and some baskid said "what season is it?? fall?" i pray that he's dead every single day

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Real

Jonathan t @Lowkey NerdyOG i can't explain how jealous i am of people who have a genuine group of friends who go out and do stuff together and talk everyday, sounds really sad but i actually don't speak to anyone anymore
Jonathan t @Lowkey NerdyOG i can't explain how jealous i am of people who have a genuine group of friends who go out and do stuff together and talk everyday, sounds really sad but i actually don't speak to anyone anymore

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Like, it makes sense...

534 *** @rambonsaturn ratatouille is hilarious cause the villain wasn't even evil he just didn't want food cooked by rats?!?
534 *** @rambonsaturn ratatouille is hilarious cause the villain wasn't even evil he just didn't want food cooked by rats?!?

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That's what it means?

yamini nambimadom @showmetheyamz when i was a kid i didn't realize that the song "i saw mommy kissing santa claus" meant that daddy was santa claus. i was like "holy s….. mommy's an adulterer"
yamini nambimadom @showmetheyamz when i was a kid i didn't realize that the song "i saw mommy kissing santa claus" meant that daddy was santa claus. i was like "holy s….. mommy's an adulterer"

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The abyss

@dad_hard @kunkelcomedy Car designer: "Okay I left a gap between the front seat and the console, big enough to lose your phone but too small to reach your hand in and pull out a french fry, anything else?" Boss: "Put some sharp stuff down there and call it a day"
@dad_hard @kunkelcomedy Car designer: "Okay I left a gap between the front seat and the console, big enough to lose your phone but too small to reach your hand in and pull out a french fry, anything else?" Boss: "Put some sharp stuff down there and call it a day"

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It's not fair

Icona @lconawrites. www While I go through the trouble of putting on makeup, the rose-finch just wakes up in the morning and looks like this.
Icona @lconawrites. www While I go through the trouble of putting on makeup, the rose-finch just wakes up in the morning and looks like this.

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My dreams be like

Alex Hirsch >> @_AlexHirsch Last night I dreamed I met spongebob in person and from his breath I could tell he was a heavy smoker but he was clearly insecure about it so I didn't bring it up
Alex Hirsch >> @_AlexHirsch Last night I dreamed I met spongebob in person and from his breath I could tell he was a heavy smoker but he was clearly insecure about it so I didn't bring it up

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They do or they don't

Ace-tyra @FloraAcetyra Follow Men will get fired, divorced, be in debt and the only thing they'll say is "I'll figure it out". 12:00 PM - 21 Nov 24 5.6M Views • 16.5K Reposts 5,588 Quotes 161K Likes 8,564 Bookmarks
Ace-tyra @FloraAcetyra Follow Men will get fired, divorced, be in debt and the only thing they'll say is "I'll figure it out". 12:00 PM - 21 Nov 24 5.6M Views • 16.5K Reposts 5,588 Quotes 161K Likes 8,564 Bookmarks

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Sorry

morgue @biopsybimbo. Follow X sorry i cant come in today theres a cat in my house. oh no it's my cat. yeah he's fine. but like he's just there and i want to hang out with him 10:44 PM Nov 18, 2024 ப் 31.5K Reply Copy link to post
morgue @biopsybimbo. Follow X sorry i cant come in today theres a cat in my house. oh no it's my cat. yeah he's fine. but like he's just there and i want to hang out with him 10:44 PM Nov 18, 2024 ப் 31.5K Reply Copy link to post

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Bro...

Voldemort @ib 2cute Follow My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying "mmmm it's so good." She said, "You didn't take it out the box" 6:42 PM - Oct 8, 2023 3M Views 415 11K 130K 1.5K go
Voldemort @ib 2cute Follow My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying "mmmm it's so good." She said, "You didn't take it out the box" 6:42 PM - Oct 8, 2023 3M Views 415 11K 130K 1.5K go

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Whoops

Amy Colleen @sewistwrites Follow Whenever my 3yo says, "Mommy WUVS to have drinks for GROWN-UPS" I feel a mild stab of regret that we chose this term to discourage him from constantly asking to try my seltzer 6:48 PM · Oct 24, 2023 · 117.4K Views 54 17 87 4.5K ☐ 45 80
Amy Colleen @sewistwrites Follow Whenever my 3yo says, "Mommy WUVS to have drinks for GROWN-UPS" I feel a mild stab of regret that we chose this term to discourage him from constantly asking to try my seltzer 6:48 PM · Oct 24, 2023 · 117.4K Views 54 17 87 4.5K ☐ 45 80

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Very memorable

Lucy Huber @clhubes Follow Made one of those cute white board signs for my sons first day of preschool. Left the room and came back and he'd erased it and drawn "a big building that's on fire" instead. 4:39 AM Sep 8, 2023 249.3K Views n 75 162 7.6K 44 go
Lucy Huber @clhubes Follow Made one of those cute white board signs for my sons first day of preschool. Left the room and came back and he'd erased it and drawn "a big building that's on fire" instead. 4:39 AM Sep 8, 2023 249.3K Views n 75 162 7.6K 44 go

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How will he come back from this?

Kristen Howerton @kristenhowerton I had to walk behind my teenager ... during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He's obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Kristen Howerton @kristenhowerton I had to walk behind my teenager ... during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He's obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

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Oh... thanks...

Whattsserrname @whattsserrname Follow When I clean the house, I involve my 2 year old and he loves it. Yesterday, my the little guy came to me and proudly said "I cleandy up for you!” (I cleaned up for you) GUYS, He "cleaned" the tv with a sanding sponge
Whattsserrname @whattsserrname Follow When I clean the house, I involve my 2 year old and he loves it. Yesterday, my the little guy came to me and proudly said "I cleandy up for you!” (I cleaned up for you) GUYS, He "cleaned" the tv with a sanding sponge

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So confusing

Lucy Huber @clhubes Follow I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes "I'll tell the other Elliots" and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said "ill tell the other diesels" which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3 5:05 AM Oct 3, 2023 1.7M Views 101 tz 2.2K 69K ☐ 1K go
Lucy Huber @clhubes Follow I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes "I'll tell the other Elliots" and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said "ill tell the other diesels" which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3 5:05 AM Oct 3, 2023 1.7M Views 101 tz 2.2K 69K ☐ 1K go

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It was self defence

When I was 5 my mom got an elf on the shelf and told me it was watching to see if I was bad. I was so scared I decided to kill it and I snuck out, stole the elf on the shelf, and then ripped it's arms up and hid it in the grass under my window. Then lied about it when questioned. 10:14 PM • 7/6/21 Twitter Web App
When I was 5 my mom got an elf on the shelf and told me it was watching to see if I was bad. I was so scared I decided to kill it and I snuck out, stole the elf on the shelf, and then ripped it's arms up and hid it in the grass under my window. Then lied about it when questioned. 10:14 PM • 7/6/21 Twitter Web App

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