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Rules Are Meant to Be Broken

READING THE DUNGEON MASTER'S GUIDE BE LIKE FOLLOW THESE RULES OR DON'T I'M A BOOK NOT A COP
READING THE DUNGEON MASTER'S GUIDE BE LIKE FOLLOW THESE RULES OR DON'T I'M A BOOK NOT A COP

Dungeons and Dragons
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Dumb Dumb Mister

Insomnia Adventures u/Oceanundertow Be me, sleep deprived DM, half an hour ago Get startled by phone ringing It's one of my players Me: "Dude, it's midnight, you good?" Friend: "Yeah yeah, sorry if I woke you. Could I ask for a favor?" OhGodHeKilledSomeone.gif Me: "Uh, sure? Shoot." Friend: "My daughter can't sleep, could you tell a quick story over speakerphone? She loves listening to the recordings of our sessions before bed, but I left my laptop at the office so I can't play them." NaniTheFuck.mp3 Me: "She listens to us to fall asleep?" Friend: "Yeah, but she really likes your plot and NPC acting bits. She calls you 'dumb dumb mister.' Guess Dungeon Master is a bit hard for a preschooler." Me: "Wow..well, if it will help her sleep, then sure." %3D Friend: "Thank you! Okay, give me a sec to head back to her room." (pause) "Okay, you're on speaker." Me: "Hey, [daughters name], it's uncle Anon." Daughter: (Happy gasp) "Dumb dumb Mister!" I'veNeverBeenHappierToBeCalledADumbDumb.jpg Me: "You ready for a story about..(DM IMPROV SKILLS ENGAGE)..the time your daddy and his friends went deep into a cursed temple to save a frost dragon egg?" Daughter: (Incomprehensible happy squealing noises) I then proceed to spend nearly 20 min spitballing a story over the phone for the most fascinated little girl until she eventually fell asleep. Friend thanks me for the help and says he'll see me on game night. Lay down in bed, actually feel content and comfortable for once. I should have thanked him. I am the dumb dumb mister.
Insomnia Adventures u/Oceanundertow Be me, sleep deprived DM, half an hour ago Get startled by phone ringing It's one of my players Me: "Dude, it's midnight, you good?" Friend: "Yeah yeah, sorry if I woke you. Could I ask for a favor?" OhGodHeKilledSomeone.gif Me: "Uh, sure? Shoot." Friend: "My daughter can't sleep, could you tell a quick story over speakerphone? She loves listening to the recordings of our sessions before bed, but I left my laptop at the office so I can't play them." NaniTheFuck.mp3 Me: "She listens to us to fall asleep?" Friend: "Yeah, but she really likes your plot and NPC acting bits. She calls you 'dumb dumb mister.' Guess Dungeon Master is a bit hard for a preschooler." Me: "Wow..well, if it will help her sleep, then sure." %3D Friend: "Thank you! Okay, give me a sec to head back to her room." (pause) "Okay, you're on speaker." Me: "Hey, [daughters name], it's uncle Anon." Daughter: (Happy gasp) "Dumb dumb Mister!" I'veNeverBeenHappierToBeCalledADumbDumb.jpg Me: "You ready for a story about..(DM IMPROV SKILLS ENGAGE)..the time your daddy and his friends went deep into a cursed temple to save a frost dragon egg?" Daughter: (Incomprehensible happy squealing noises) I then proceed to spend nearly 20 min spitballing a story over the phone for the most fascinated little girl until she eventually fell asleep. Friend thanks me for the help and says he'll see me on game night. Lay down in bed, actually feel content and comfortable for once. I should have thanked him. I am the dumb dumb mister.

Dungeons and Dragons
sleep

Chaos!? I'll Show You Chaos!

Have you guys ever noticed how suspiciously organised the forces of Chaotic Evil are? Like, there are set categories of demons with specific jobs and they all work under a hierarchy. Has there ever been a case where a Quasit has taken a nap and woken up as a Barlgura or a Jovoc? Hell, they even stay in the same shape for long periods of time, if not permanently. Meanwhile a hop, jump and a skip away into the that marvellous dungeon dimension known as the Far Realms everything is truly chaotically bonkers. Effects of Far Realm exposure includes, but is not limited to: * Mutating into a creature composed entirely of elbows and tongues. * Having every curve in your body being replaced with right angles. * Turning into a cloud of sentient static. * Being possessed by a sentient shade of blue. * Vomiting up a tumour which rapidly grows into a clone of yourself. * Your eyes being able to perceive every colour in existence. All of them. * Certain parts of the male anatomy sprouting wings and flying away. And that’s just what happens when a normal creature of the realms enters the Far Realm. You should see what comes out of the Far Realms. . N̜͓̩̥̓̓ͩo̙̙̰͈ͮ̄͐̓ẗ̹̟̰̦̐ ̭͍̙̱̺ͣ́̑̌͆ͤ̀ť̞̗̳̜̂̃h̻̟̻a̪͙̹͓ͥ́̉t̼̏̑͒͌ y̺̽̈́ͬͤ͒̏o͋̄ǘ̻̲̯̟̫̹̘̀͛̉ ̺̙̦̀̂h̝͗ͥ͒̾ḁ͉͍v̱͂ͧͩeͭͥ̊̊ͥ ̪̭̄ͬ̾̑ͅa͕͖̠̩̰͓̾̒ͥ̃̎ͅ ̺͓̩̩̳̞ͣͩͪ̉̓ċ͈̳̮̠̌̃̂̐ͅh̗̜̗̤͎͇o̙̭̠͉̤i̳̍ͤč̠̪͖̣̦ͩͧ́̐̅͌ě̪̎ . . . . . T̟̳̫̙̺͙͈̺̿h̺̼͛̈́̒̄ͫ̊ͭe̠̻ͫͩͥ̎ͭý̰̣̪̝̪̗ͤ ̞̞̩͚̽ͣ̚ͅC̲ͪ̊͐͛ͥͮ͋ͅo͖̺̲̬̪̐̄ͣͭ͑m̗̗̤̙̜̳̯̩̪ͫ͐̿ͣͫ̇́e̜̳̎͊ͫͣ̒ͥ͌ͅ!̩̳̓ͣ̑͑ . . . . . . . T̡̡ͫ̄ͦ̉̄͐͊ͣͤ͒̋̀ͭͨ͌͝͏̩̪͈̼͉͓̥̩̖͍Ḩ̨͇̣̟͇̮͂ͩͥ̆͊̕͢͟E̡̨̻͉̖̯̰̼͉͇̪̥̺͖͙̝̣̟̋̀ͯ̉̐̓̍̎̈́̆ͫ̈ͅY̢͐ͪ̌̐̾ͥ̉̉ͫ̋̔̓̇ͮͥ̓̒͜͞҉̵̲͎͔̺͕̙̥͚͉̙̖ ̧̤̘̖͓̫̱̆ͦ̒ͦ̽̉ͣ̈́̃ͥ̀̚̚C̸̑ͬͮ͛́ͧ҉̫̘̝̗̝̺͉͕̼͚̺̻̻O̊̎ͮͧ͂ͫ̆̈́̀͋̎͑ͤ̎̔̃̋̿̀͏̵̟̺͉͙̞̮̰̲̪M̨ͤ̏ͮ͒ͦ̑ͯͮ̾ͪ̀͡͞͏̙̦̰̞͖E̵̩̪̯̳̞̦̜̯͉̔̽͗̅̀̀̒̈́́͟͝ͅ!̌̓̃ͭ̌͊́̉͐͆̽̍҉͏̡͎̤͔̺͈̙͔̬̖̹͚̜̲͎̕͡ͅ
Have you guys ever noticed how suspiciously organised the forces of Chaotic Evil are? Like, there are set categories of demons with specific jobs and they all work under a hierarchy. Has there ever been a case where a Quasit has taken a nap and woken up as a Barlgura or a Jovoc? Hell, they even stay in the same shape for long periods of time, if not permanently. Meanwhile a hop, jump and a skip away into the that marvellous dungeon dimension known as the Far Realms everything is truly chaotically bonkers. Effects of Far Realm exposure includes, but is not limited to: * Mutating into a creature composed entirely of elbows and tongues. * Having every curve in your body being replaced with right angles. * Turning into a cloud of sentient static. * Being possessed by a sentient shade of blue. * Vomiting up a tumour which rapidly grows into a clone of yourself. * Your eyes being able to perceive every colour in existence. All of them. * Certain parts of the male anatomy sprouting wings and flying away. And that’s just what happens when a normal creature of the realms enters the Far Realm. You should see what comes out of the Far Realms. . N̜͓̩̥̓̓ͩo̙̙̰͈ͮ̄͐̓ẗ̹̟̰̦̐ ̭͍̙̱̺ͣ́̑̌͆ͤ̀ť̞̗̳̜̂̃h̻̟̻a̪͙̹͓ͥ́̉t̼̏̑͒͌ y̺̽̈́ͬͤ͒̏o͋̄ǘ̻̲̯̟̫̹̘̀͛̉ ̺̙̦̀̂h̝͗ͥ͒̾ḁ͉͍v̱͂ͧͩeͭͥ̊̊ͥ ̪̭̄ͬ̾̑ͅa͕͖̠̩̰͓̾̒ͥ̃̎ͅ ̺͓̩̩̳̞ͣͩͪ̉̓ċ͈̳̮̠̌̃̂̐ͅh̗̜̗̤͎͇o̙̭̠͉̤i̳̍ͤč̠̪͖̣̦ͩͧ́̐̅͌ě̪̎ . . . . . T̟̳̫̙̺͙͈̺̿h̺̼͛̈́̒̄ͫ̊ͭe̠̻ͫͩͥ̎ͭý̰̣̪̝̪̗ͤ ̞̞̩͚̽ͣ̚ͅC̲ͪ̊͐͛ͥͮ͋ͅo͖̺̲̬̪̐̄ͣͭ͑m̗̗̤̙̜̳̯̩̪ͫ͐̿ͣͫ̇́e̜̳̎͊ͫͣ̒ͥ͌ͅ!̩̳̓ͣ̑͑ . . . . . . . T̡̡ͫ̄ͦ̉̄͐͊ͣͤ͒̋̀ͭͨ͌͝͏̩̪͈̼͉͓̥̩̖͍Ḩ̨͇̣̟͇̮͂ͩͥ̆͊̕͢͟E̡̨̻͉̖̯̰̼͉͇̪̥̺͖͙̝̣̟̋̀ͯ̉̐̓̍̎̈́̆ͫ̈ͅY̢͐ͪ̌̐̾ͥ̉̉ͫ̋̔̓̇ͮͥ̓̒͜͞҉̵̲͎͔̺͕̙̥͚͉̙̖ ̧̤̘̖͓̫̱̆ͦ̒ͦ̽̉ͣ̈́̃ͥ̀̚̚C̸̑ͬͮ͛́ͧ҉̫̘̝̗̝̺͉͕̼͚̺̻̻O̊̎ͮͧ͂ͫ̆̈́̀͋̎͑ͤ̎̔̃̋̿̀͏̵̟̺͉͙̞̮̰̲̪M̨ͤ̏ͮ͒ͦ̑ͯͮ̾ͪ̀͡͞͏̙̦̰̞͖E̵̩̪̯̳̞̦̜̯͉̔̽͗̅̀̀̒̈́́͟͝ͅ!̌̓̃ͭ̌͊́̉͐͆̽̍҉͏̡͎̤͔̺͈̙͔̬̖̹͚̜̲͎̕͡ͅ

Dungeons and Dragons
warlock star pact warlock great old one lovecraftian the abyss demons tanar'ri summoning unsettled tom far realm

Raising the Dead is Raising the Dead

After giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that the reason why people don't approve of Necromancers is not because they raise the dead, but because they are terrible at it.
After giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that the reason why people don't approve of Necromancers is not because they raise the dead, but because they are terrible at it.

Dungeons and Dragons
necromancer cleric sanctioned approved tuxedo winnie the pooh winnie the pooh acceptable

Running Laps Around the Alignment Chart

Some of you may be wondering if followers of Elistraee will be spared from destruction in our ongoing campaign against the Drow. Unfortunately, there will be collateral damage in our righteous crusade to rid the world of a terrible evil. But fear not, for the gods will literally sort out the good from the evil in the afterlife. I mean, really, they should be thanking us for guaranteeing their entrance to heaven.
Some of you may be wondering if followers of Elistraee will be spared from destruction in our ongoing campaign against the Drow. Unfortunately, there will be collateral damage in our righteous crusade to rid the world of a terrible evil. But fear not, for the gods will literally sort out the good from the evil in the afterlife. I mean, really, they should be thanking us for guaranteeing their entrance to heaven.

Dungeons and Dragons
drow dark elf slaughter genocide metronome crusade purge morality

Nothing is a cliché when it is happening to you.

<i>The thief raced across the rooftops in the howling rain. He didn’t know about angels, but it was fear that gave men wings…</i> <i>Upon seeing the party enter the room, the tiefling at the desk threw her arms wide and declared: “Ah, dearest of all my friends, welcome!”…</i> <i>It was at this point that the party realised they should have probably started asking more questions a few hundred fireballs back…</i> <i>As she stood over the body slowly cooling in the bedroom, she wondered if she had the chance to do it again, she’d stop and do it differently. Of course, she wouldn’t. Call it fate or destiny or whatever, but the truth is there was no choice. If you chose a different option, then you would not be you. You’d be someone else…</i> <i>The Hill Giants stormed the front gate. It was a dumb move, but these were dumb move guys…</i> <i>The Blackguard snorted and spat “Well isn’t it the great Ilmaterian saviours of the poor”…</i> <i>In a maddening scrawl across the alley’s walls were the words “The Flesh of Fallen Angels” and “Mirrors are more fun than scrying”…</i> <i>The pleasure palace reeked of stale wine, body oil and greed…</i> <i>Firing a bow is a binary choice. You either do, or you don’t…</i> If you ever need help setting a gritty mood or are running a Noir-themed game and get stuck on how to describe things, I'd highly recommend adapting Max Payne's writing style. It just works so well.
<i>The thief raced across the rooftops in the howling rain. He didn’t know about angels, but it was fear that gave men wings…</i> <i>Upon seeing the party enter the room, the tiefling at the desk threw her arms wide and declared: “Ah, dearest of all my friends, welcome!”…</i> <i>It was at this point that the party realised they should have probably started asking more questions a few hundred fireballs back…</i> <i>As she stood over the body slowly cooling in the bedroom, she wondered if she had the chance to do it again, she’d stop and do it differently. Of course, she wouldn’t. Call it fate or destiny or whatever, but the truth is there was no choice. If you chose a different option, then you would not be you. You’d be someone else…</i> <i>The Hill Giants stormed the front gate. It was a dumb move, but these were dumb move guys…</i> <i>The Blackguard snorted and spat “Well isn’t it the great Ilmaterian saviours of the poor”…</i> <i>In a maddening scrawl across the alley’s walls were the words “The Flesh of Fallen Angels” and “Mirrors are more fun than scrying”…</i> <i>The pleasure palace reeked of stale wine, body oil and greed…</i> <i>Firing a bow is a binary choice. You either do, or you don’t…</i> If you ever need help setting a gritty mood or are running a Noir-themed game and get stuck on how to describe things, I'd highly recommend adapting Max Payne's writing style. It just works so well.

Dungeons and Dragons
max payne quotes references all three are going to lie to you

Bag of Bees

So I've actually worked out the math for this and it is f------ terrifying. Details in the comment section as it is far to much to put in the note section. . . . And, er, I may have accidently got Rouge and Rogue mixed-up. Soz.
So I've actually worked out the math for this and it is f------ terrifying. Details in the comment section as it is far to much to put in the note section. . . . And, er, I may have accidently got Rouge and Rogue mixed-up. Soz.

Dungeons and Dragons
concealed weapons bees beeeessssss!!! harry and ron screaming bag of holding tom dnd biological warfare rogue assassin druid

Campaigns and Cats?

E sandersstudies Follow My husband is playing DnD with some friends and told me to come look at the cat who is sitting in a chair like a person. My husband handed him a d20 and said "sir you have to roll a stealth check to convince the other party members you are a human" and the cat immediately batted the d20 and rolled a 14. The party cheered for him. sandersstudies Follow The final human player joined the table and they brought out a whole extra chair so the cat could remain at the table. He's now the party's official Druid and just canonically in wildshape all the time and therefore unable to speak Common.
E sandersstudies Follow My husband is playing DnD with some friends and told me to come look at the cat who is sitting in a chair like a person. My husband handed him a d20 and said "sir you have to roll a stealth check to convince the other party members you are a human" and the cat immediately batted the d20 and rolled a 14. The party cheered for him. sandersstudies Follow The final human player joined the table and they brought out a whole extra chair so the cat could remain at the table. He's now the party's official Druid and just canonically in wildshape all the time and therefore unable to speak Common.

Dungeons and Dragons
cat druid

Alleycat Class Levels

A regular cat can attack for 1 point of damage The average commoner has 4 hp 4 housecats can kill a 4 housecats can kill a commoner in 6 seconds commoner in 6 seconds Let's not even talk about feral alleycats that have class levels necromancer wizard barbarian rogue
A regular cat can attack for 1 point of damage The average commoner has 4 hp 4 housecats can kill a 4 housecats can kill a commoner in 6 seconds commoner in 6 seconds Let's not even talk about feral alleycats that have class levels necromancer wizard barbarian rogue

Dungeons and Dragons
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True Horror Campaign

YOregon @OregonRolledA2O Y Rolled A 20 Paladin: I Stab the Succubus with 14 to hit! DM: It looks at you with 15 AC and asks "Is it in yet?"
YOregon @OregonRolledA2O Y Rolled A 20 Paladin: I Stab the Succubus with 14 to hit! DM: It looks at you with 15 AC and asks "Is it in yet?"

Dungeons and Dragons
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That's Not Fair

ALL LIFE IS PRECIOUS, LETS PUT YOU OUTSIDE, LIL GUY. If one of my-player's characters has immunity or resistance to something, I don't use enemies with that! Toxic DM OWLTURD.COM Coeniccat
ALL LIFE IS PRECIOUS, LETS PUT YOU OUTSIDE, LIL GUY. If one of my-player's characters has immunity or resistance to something, I don't use enemies with that! Toxic DM OWLTURD.COM Coeniccat

Dungeons and Dragons
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Happens Too Often

Ok this is your first DND session? OH MY Why don't GOD THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU GUYS MUST STRANGER THINGS, BE PLAYING THIS WRONG ITS NOT STRANGER THINGS SAID THIS WAS FUN LIKE STRANGER THINGS made with dematic
Ok this is your first DND session? OH MY Why don't GOD THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU GUYS MUST STRANGER THINGS, BE PLAYING THIS WRONG ITS NOT STRANGER THINGS SAID THIS WAS FUN LIKE STRANGER THINGS made with dematic

Dungeons and Dragons
dnd dnd memes dungeons and dragons

Think Again

You know, tortoises have pretty long life spans. Some live up to 150 years. Great! So, as a tortle, a D&D race based on the tortoise, I'll have a relatively long life span, right? TI have a relatively long life span, right?
You know, tortoises have pretty long life spans. Some live up to 150 years. Great! So, as a tortle, a D&D race based on the tortoise, I'll have a relatively long life span, right? TI have a relatively long life span, right?

Dungeons and Dragons
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How the Turn Tables

BBEG Rogue It seems the tables have turned again. Paladin Not really. Kill the little b rd see if i care.
BBEG Rogue It seems the tables have turned again. Paladin Not really. Kill the little b rd see if i care.

Dungeons and Dragons
dnd dnd memes dungeons and dragons

They Have to Be Red

rogue-lavellan me: there are no ʼrules’ for fantasy, and that’s the beautiful thing about it. sure there are staples of the genre, but a creator shouldn’t feel bound by them. the only limits are your imagination! fantasy game: the health potions aren't red. me: you lost me. Source: feeshies 9,227 notes
rogue-lavellan me: there are no ʼrules’ for fantasy, and that’s the beautiful thing about it. sure there are staples of the genre, but a creator shouldn’t feel bound by them. the only limits are your imagination! fantasy game: the health potions aren't red. me: you lost me. Source: feeshies 9,227 notes

Dungeons and Dragons
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