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I was shooting heroin and reading "The Fountainhead" in the front seat of my privatcly owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chicf. "Bad news, detective. We got a situation." What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?" Worsc. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars' worth of bitcoins. The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true cconomic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?" "What kind of monster would Not yet. But mark my words: we're going to figure out who did this and we're going to take them down... provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do SO. Easy, chief," I said. "Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair He laughed. That's why you're the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins. Don't worry," I said. m on it." I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went insidc. -Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®"I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. "Nobody move unless you want to!" They didn't. "Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?" No one spoke up. hat the protection of private Come on, "I said. "Don't you all understand t property is the foundation of all It didn't seem like they did. Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I'm just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters. Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost scemed like they didn't care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing. I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it. SubwayTM Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!" I yelled. Too late. He was alrcady out the front door. I went after him. Stop right there!" I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country necds a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never h I was losing him."Listen, I'Il pa y you to stop!" I yelled. "What would you an appropriate price point for stopping? I'll offer you a thirteenth of an consi ounce of gold and a gently worn Bob Barr '08 extra-large long-sleeved men's T- hirt!" He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purposc. All right, all right!" the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. "I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins." Why'd you do it?" I asked, as I slapped a pair of OikosTM Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs on the guy. Because I was afraid." "Afraid? Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers," he said. "I'm a central banker. I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed Instead, I shook my head. my partner. a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street," I said. Let this be No matter how many bitcoins you stcal, you'll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom. He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

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The Ancap Police Officer


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Uploaded Jun 14, 2018 at 07:34AM EDT

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