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Doggie doggie what now?! Two of Mr Peanutbutter’s ex wife’s. Jessica Biel and Diane Nguyen | /r/BoJackHorseman
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![So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, "Hyal Are you having an awesome dey Not, "How are you doing today? No "Are you having an awesome dey Which is pretty... shtty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, ike f im not having an "awesome day suddenly I'm the negative one Usually when people ack how Im doing, the real answer is I'm doing shtty, but I can't say I'm doing shvtty because I don't even have a good reason to be doing s----- So fi say, "Im doing s-----," then they say, "Why? What's wrong And I have to be Bke, "I don't know, all of it So Instead, when people ask how I'm doing, I usually say, "I am doing so great" But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an wesome day, I thought, "Wel, today I'm actually allowed to feel s-----" Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, "Well, my mom died," and she immediately burst into tears So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there's a Ine of people forming behind me who are al giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry And she's bawing and she's sayirg, "Im sorry, I'm so sorry," and I'm ike, "It's fne t's fine" I mean, it's not fine but, you know, it's... fne And I would lke to order a Double Jack Meal, and Ive kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? (nhales) And the girl apologtzes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal And as I'm leaving, I think, "I just got a free churro because my mom died" No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro. Anyway, I'm sorry, that's not part of the... (clears throat) All right Okay, here we gp Let's do this Here I am, BoJack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let's go Hey, piano man, can I get a, lke an organ flourish? (organ plays) Nicely done You know, I was a tle worried I wouldn't have the right accompaniment today I guess it's a good thing my mom was an organ donor (rimshot plays] What happened to the organ? (horn 'oogahs] Okay, why just ieave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my mother Can you show a Iittle respect? (trumpet whines] i take it Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse Uh, she was born in R38 She died in 2018 One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire c-------- in one long inhale I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman Lived a full ife, that bdy Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Lfe, right? Goes by, stuff happens Then you die Okay, wel that's my time, you've been great! Tp your watress No, I'm just kidding around, there's no waitress But seribusly, that's all I have to say about my mother, No point beating a dead horse, right? 5o Now what? I don't know Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once If you're proud of me. Can I just say how amezing it is to be in a room with my mother, and i can just taik and talk without her telng me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Mom, knock once if you think I should shut up No? You sure? I mean, I don't want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a meogy, 6o, serously, f you wanted me to sit down and let someone else tak, just knock. I will not be offended No? Your funeral. Sorry about the closed casket, by the way She wanted an open casket, but uh you know, she's dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I'm sorry H think that f she could've seen what she looked like dead, she'd agree it's better this way She looked ke this (groaning) Kinda ike a p------off toy dinosaur The coroner couldn't get her eyes closed, so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish Or as my mom caled it, Tuesday! Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke? You lke thet? You never did care for my comedy Here's a story When I was a teeneger, I performed a oomedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket But when Ifinally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and i told my mother, and she said, "Let thot be a lesson That's the good that comes from wanting things" She was realy good at dispensing ife lessons that always seemed to crcle back to everything being my fault But then, on the day of the talert show, my mother had a surprise for me She had bought me the jacket Even though she didn't know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me Now that's a good story about my mother t's not true, but it's a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks abOut her father. Iremember when i saw it, thinking, "That's the kind of story i want to tel about my parents when they die" But I don't have eny stories lke that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showng people they care with these surprising grand gestures And I think that part of me still beleves that's what love is. But in real Ife, the big gesture isn't enough You need to be consistent, you need to be dependebly good You can't just screw everything up and then take a boat out Into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas You need to do it every day, which is so... herd When you're a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough, that even though your parents aren't what you need them to be over and over and over agan at any monent, they might surprise you with something.. wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her fe a ittle bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting. Hey, Mom, knock once f you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your ife a Rtle bit brighter. My mother did not go gentle Into that good night She went clawing and fighting and thrashing, hence the face [groaning] f you'd seen her, I swear to God the only thing you'd be thinking about right now is that I am naling this impression. I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, ful of nonsencial screams and cries, but there was ths moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, "I see you" That's the lest thing she said to me "l see you" Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, ust acceptance and the simple recognition af another person in a room "Hello there You are a person. And I see you" Let me tel you, it's a welrd thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the frst time in your if e your mother sees you It's an odd realzation that that's the thing you've been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn't feel lke a relef, to fraly be seen t feels mean, like, "Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me." I was prepared for more cruelty i was sure that she would get n one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid and too tell to be an effective Lindy-hopper, How I was needy and a burden and an embarrasament-all that I was ready for I was not ready for "I see you" Only my mother would be lousy enough to swpe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I'm givng her too much credt Maybe t wasn't about connection Maybe it was a. maybe it was an "I see you," Ike, uh, "I see you." Like, "You might have the rest of the word fooled, but I know exactly who you are" That's more my mom's speed Or maybe she just iteraly meant "I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision" She was pretty out af it at the end, so maybe it's dumb to try to attrbute t to anything Backin the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show caled Horsin' Around. Please hold your applause And I remember one time, a fan asked me, "Hey, um, you know that epiiode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dence because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? h al the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup's missing Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of nemory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?" And I didn't have the heart to be, ike, "No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee oup in the shot" So nstead, I was, ike.. "Yeah" And maybe this is lke that coffee cup. Maybe we're dumb to try to pin significance onto every ittle thing Maybe when someone says, "I see you," it just means, "I see you" Then again, it's possible she wasn't evern talking to me because, if I'm being honest, she wasn't realy looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to thnk she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeng? Who were you talking to, Mom? (sighs] Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I'm payıng you, it's too much. Maybe she saw my dad My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel When your father dies, you ask yoursel a lot of questions Questions ike, "Wait, did you say he died in a duel" and "Who dies in a due" The whole thing was so stupid Ded spent his entire ife writing this book, but he couldn't get any etores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor He claimed the critic didn't understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn't like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He'd even pay for airfare to Sen Francisco and a night in a hotel Wel, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batsht as he was and took him up on the offer They met et Golden Gate Park and agreed ten pacies, then shoot But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy f he'd actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock I wish 'd known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro t would've been nice to have something to show for beng the son of Butterscotch Horseman My daring mother gave the eulogy My entire ife I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, "My husband is dead, and everything is worse now" "My husband is dead, and everything is worse now" I don't know why she said that. Maybe she fet lke that's the kind of thing you're supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now." Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her Inheritance, and replaced it with cripping debt, which is a pretty s----- thing to leave your widow with "Bad news, you lost a husband, but don't worry, you also lost the house" Maybe Mom knew she'd have to sel al her fancy jewery and move Into a home. Maybe that's what she meant by "everything is worse now." Is that what you meant, Mom? I gotta say, I'm really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks. Hey, pano man, when I say something funny to my mom, how about you gve me one of those rimshots? (rimshot plays] Yeah, but not now When I say something funny Like, okay What's the dfference between my mother and a disruptive expulsion of germs? One's a coughin' fit and the other fits a coffn! That's an exampla of a funny thing (rimshot plays) Thank you Let's try again. Hey, Mom What's the difference between my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs? One gets carried in a basket, the other gets burled in a casket! (rimshot plays] Ready for one more? Last one Whets the difference between a first-year it major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One is decently read, and the other's a huge bitch! Yeah, might have gone a lttle too far with thet one. That one might ve been a ittle too "my mom's a huge bitch" for the room. I'm sorry, Mother. You're not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch... and now you're dead You know, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience, it actually was, uh, with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the Iving room and she used to make.. (nhales] She used to make me sing The Lolipop Song" Those parties, they were really something There were skits and magio acts, and ethnicaly insensiLve vaudeville routines, and the big finale was aways a dance my mother did She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad Dad hated the parties He'd lock himsef n the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance He'd inger in the doorway, sootch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married. took fight And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something We understood each other in a way Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other My mother, she knew what it's ike to feal your entire ife lke you're drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddeny remember... you can swim But then again, mostly not Mostly you're drowning She understood that, too And she recognzed that I understood it And Dad All three of us were drowning, and we didn't know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together And I would ke to think that that's what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, "I see you" You know, the woird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you're nextI mean, you know, obviously it's not like there's a waitlist for dyng Any one of us could get run over by a Snepchatting teen at any moment And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurou, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty lactually had a near death experience recently A stunt went bad and I fol off a bulding I'm an actor, I do my own stunts Im on this new show Philbert. I'm Philbert Ster of the show It hasn't come out yet, but R's already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buz (nhales] Inm supposed to take two of these every morring, but my days are so screwed up 'cause of the shooting schedule, I don't even know what morning means anymore There's a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who's been to 6o many funerals, he doesn't even know what mourning means anymore Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the bulding and i went into paric mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before i died? "Won't they be sorry" Cool thought, brain [rimshot plays) No, that wasn't. would you just. dial t back, all rght? don't even know what "theyr I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I waG And of courso, my dad's dead The last conversation I ever hed with him wan about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy Maybe he thought It would vindicate him for all the s----- things he ever did in his stupid worthless fe Maybe it did, I don't know I never read it, because why would I give him that? I used to be on this TV show called Horsin' Around, Seribusly, though, hold your applause. Wel held It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who's alio dead now, and it starred this ittle girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, "Maybe don't mention they're orphens so much, because audences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable" But I never thought that the orphans were sad H always thought they were lucky, because they could imeagine their parents to be anythrg they wanted They had something to long for Anyway, we did this one season finale, where OMa's birth mother comes to town And she was a junkie, but she's gotten hersel cleaned up, and she wanta to be in Olvia's ife again. And of course, she's like a perfect grown-up version of Olvia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears plerced Ike she's always wanted and-sorry, spoler alert for the season six finale of Horsin' Around, if you're still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warm her, "Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down" But Olva just thnks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she's moving to Calfornia, Olvia decides to go with her. And the network realy juiced the ciffhanger "is Olva gone for good?" But of course, because it's a TV show, she was not gone for good Of course, because it's a TV show, Olvia's mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olvia had to hitchhike al the way home, getting rides from Mr. T. AY, and the cast of Stomp Of course, that's what happened. Because, what are you gonna do, just not heve Olvia on the show? You can't have happy endings in sitcoms, not real, because, if everyone's heppy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show.. has to keep going There's always more show. And you can call Horsin' Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistico, but there is nothing more realstic than thet You never get a happy ending, 'cause there's always more show. I guess untl there isn't My mom would hate it f she knew that I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show. Or maybe she'd think it was funny that her idiot son couldn't even do this right. Who knows? She left no Instructions for what ahe wanted me to say AI I know is she wanted an open casket, and her idiot son couldn't even do that right. I'm not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that waman, even though so much of my fe has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to thet moment in the ICU when ahe looked at me, and,. "-C-U" "L se.. you" Jasus Christ, we were in the Intensive care unit She was just reading a sign. My mom died and al i got was this free churro. You know the s-------- thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn ife. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This women at the Jack h the Box didn't even know me. I'm your son! Al I had was you! [nhales] I have this friend And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actualy went with her to the funeral And months later, she told me that she didn't understand why she was still upset, because she never even iked her father it made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died And I'm golng through the same thing now You know what t's ike? t's ke that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping tthat it would get better, and it never did. It hed all the right pieces, but it just-t couldn't put them together. And whenk got canceled, I was realy bummed out, not because I lked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is ike It's ike Becker, Suddenly, you realze you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alve, even though you'd never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was stl holding on to that chance And you didn't even realze t until thet chance went away, My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, "Bolack Horseman, I see you" But I guess It's good to know It's good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it's good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on And I Inow that now and it's good t's good that I know that. So. it's good my mother is dead Wel No pont beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I heve no idea what she wanted Unless she just wanted what we all want. to be seen. is this Funeral Parlor B?](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/774/876/ee0.jpg "I made a poster out of a post I saw last month on the sub (link in the comments) | /r/BoJackHorseman")
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BoJack Horseman - Doggie doggie what now?! Two of Mr Peanutbutter’s ex wife’s. Jessica Biel and Diane Nguyen | /r/BoJackHorseman
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Uploaded Mar 07, 2020 at 09:18AM EST
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