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HUEY LONG Walks up to me, I stutter 'n-no" and he lights a cigar, and starts shouting at me and flips over a table says "you gonna do anything about the sex and gambling in here?" Eventually calms down and goes into the kitchen with Zhukov, where he spends the rest of the night In the morning I find a revolver and some shell casings on the table, but everything else looks untouched Filled with stories and political philosophies, but when anyone questions him he starts a loud argument JOHN STEINBECK NINA SIMONE In particular hates Kissinger, Hamilton, Bismarck, and D'Annunzio Tries to pull others to his side and fails, nonetheless parries multiple arguments at once JACK LONDON Wants in on the backyard wrestling match but gets caught in listening to Dahl's stories and misses it Tries to convince others at the party that Adam Smith is a hack and they need to join a union Hangs out with Marco Polo but thinks Ibn Battuta is a "smelly Arab" MARTIN LUTHER KING A mediator people actually listen to Wading through the crowd with a glazed expression, obviously fascinated by it all Successfully breaks up fights between multiple ideological aggressors, even puts himself between the fighting parties lan Fleming calls him the n word; he shakes his head and leaves the party in disappointment NELLY BLY Converses with as many people as she can while scribbling furiously in a notepad When she interviews Rasputin he takes her curiosity for affection and tries to grope her; she runs into the bathroom and Bismarck slaps him JAMES JOYCE Really enthusiastic to interact with Steinbeck and London although he f------ hates the right wing authors Churchill tries to make conversation with him and he shouts him down re: Ireland Asks to trip with Jünger and Thompson but everyone else convinces him that would be a very bad idea Really vibing to the music although she's entirely new to hip-hop She and Debussy gush about music, Gershwin is there but he's kinda a fifth wheel A lot of male figures hit on her but she rejects their advances GEORGY ZHUKOV In a vodka-drinking contest with Long; they sit at the kitchen table and eat cheese and sausage together Declares that he's God, exposes his erect penis, and tries to r--- multiple women Bismarck is horrified and they get in a public fight broken up by Mr. Rogers Rasputin ODs and passes out, then wakes up, steals a carton of eggs from my fridge, and walks out Considers everyone on the right side of the compass a Fascist and refuses to speak with them, although he hugs Eisenhower once and kisses his cheeks Disgusted that I "invited" Kissinger and MacArthur (I did not invite any of you people, you just showed up) Runs out of the bathroom screaming after Benjamin Rich tries to grope her Sings a duet with Josephine Baker although she's visibly uncomfortable FREDERICK DOUGLASS Hangs out with MLK; when Fleming calls King the n word he shoves him into a corner and says "you don't talk to friend that way Cries with happiness when he hears how race relations have improved overall He and Theodore Roosevelt have a spirited discussion and he even referees the wrestling match Discovers marijuana at this party and immediately enjoys it Yes this wojak is Karl Marx in blackface, I couldn't find a Frederick Douglass wojak FRED ROGERS Doesn't drink anything, mills around with his eyes down cleaning up trash. Later serves as DD for multiple strangers. When Rasputin and Bismarck are shouting at each other he gets in the middle. tries to make them compromise, but Rasputin just pulls his d--- out and waves it around He and Machiavelli strike up a conversation and speak for hours, they leave together ACHILLE-CLAUDE DEBUSSY Sits in the corner awkwardly smoking and tapping a few notes on a keyboard I ask him to play something for the party and he mutters "no, no, my work is not that good" Actually succeeds in talking to lbn Battuta for a little while before he goes into the closet Joins Joyce in berating Churchill in public, but he's cool with Garibaldi for some reason Swaps WWI stories with Hemingway GEORGE ORWELL Sits in a chair and says nothing except to argue a little political philosophy with Machiavelli Fleming comes by to pay tribute and Orwell punches him in the face then leaves the party Is busy painting the wrestling match until someone pulls him aside and tells him Vincent is in trouble He makes Van Gogh tea and brings him a mug, and they sit together discussing philosophy for the rest of the night Then Eisenhower approaches and he suddenly turns positive; Eisenhower invites DeGaulle to golf tomorrow but he shouts "no thank you, I decline" so the whole party can hear CHARLES DE GAULLE NICCOLÒ MACHIAVELLI Sits in the corner drinking from a bottle of wine and muttering about how this place is dominated by Anglos POPE FRANCIS He says almost nothing and silently shakes the hands of those who approach him When fights break out he whispers something in Latin but doesn't intervene otherwise Kennedy cries with happiness when he sees him but doesn't dare approach ROALD DAHL His RAF stories are a hit and he's the life of the party. He and Kennedy hug each other as if they've been friends for years. He's a charismatic storyteller and at one point all the i authors at the party are gathered around him, although Hemingway drunkenly calls him out on the more fantastical elements Dahl lowkey asks Thompson for some drugs but doesn't make a thing out of it The existence of smartphones wows him; he calls over his contemporaries to have a look I find him at 4 AM passed out in the bathtub with a bottle of wine and a Playboy mag IBN BATTUTA Immediately hotboxes a closet with Marco Polo using some dank hashish he has on him Tries to buy one of the college girls from me and doesn't understand when he can't GREGORY RASPUTIN CLAUDE MONET VINCENT VAN GOGH Steals pills from Thompson's suitcase, throws them around the room, then takes a handful Cries when he sees my spice rack, drapes a sweaty arm around my shoulder, and says "you must be the richest king on earth" Friends with everyone here but mostly sticks by Hadrian, he shakes his head when Hadrian disappears upstairs with me. CHIANG KAI-SHEK Stays the f--- away from Simone, Steinbeck, and London, and compares them to animals Hangs out *near* Debussy with his hands wrapped around his knees, staring into the carpet Spends most of the night absorbed in his own mind, angrily repels everyone except Monet Takes a shot with MacArthur then goes into the basement and turns on Fox News; falls asleep in a recliner The two of them drink tea and speak French and Dutch in quiet tones Sits in the corner with a complacent smile, doesn't move until he realizes Hadrian and Marcus Aurelius are here, at which time he springs up to talk to them When he realizes they don't want to talk to him, he goes to Freud. They stand against the wall and psychoanalyze the others. By the end of the night they're great friends. JOHN ADAMS Doesn't drink anything, scowls, walks alongside Mr. Rogers and tells him that he's disappointed at the state of youth today He and Bismarck actually get along pretty well, but he actively tries to avoid Kennedy, who he condemns as a showboater Leaves the party muttering to himself NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON Drinks six beers then gets offended when I tell him to save some for the rest of the party SID Tries to explain astrophysics to Ben Franklin even though he's just trying to dance Jünger and Thompson. find him in the middle of their acid trip and get freaked out Avoids Kissinger Whenever a fight starts he goes into another room SIGMUND FREUD BEN FRANKLIN | JIMMY CARTER| JOE ROGAN WERNER VON BRAUN WERNER VON Is giddy with Competing with happiness, thinks he's having a dream and desperately tries to analyze what's going Bly to be the most intrusive one at the party Is mildly amused by the situation, mills around with his hands in his pockets asking people what they're doing but not prying Has an anxious demeanor, I can tell he's not much of a party guy. Helps Mr. Rogers clean. Stands in the kitchen drinking a white claw, occasionally talks with Roald Dahl or Kissinger but nobody else When college students ask who he is he answers "uhh Oskar Schindler" on Watches the wrestling match with crossed arms then sits in the grass near the competitors afterward, staring at the stars ROMAN VON UNGERN GIUSEPPE GARIBALDI DOUGLAS MACARTHUR DANTE ALIGHERI STERNBERG The only person he can relate to is Machiavelli, but all the other Italians had might as well be Chinese to him Everyone kinda forgets about him but then at 2 AM he rides a horse into the backyard, fully naked, and tries to force a beer into Dante's mouth He asks to come upstairs with me and of f------ course I oblige Circulating among the party but not making any friends, he kinda creeps everyone out When he learns Zhukov is here he pulls a knife from his boot and rushes through the crowd to try to murder him Immediately jumps for the opportunity to do drugs Has an excellent and philosophical acid/molly trip with Thompson and sobers up in time for the wrestling match Cops are called and he gets hauled away screaming. this busts the party HENRY KISSINGER LEWIS AND CLARK Wears a hat and sunglasses, lowkey having a good time talking with Churchill and MacArthur but doesn't want to be seen by anyone else When I greet him he shushes me, a college girl notices and tells Nina Simone, who tries to get him kicked out He leaves with Dostoyevsky Has a wholesome sense of humor; makes plans to play golf with Ron Paul and Buzz Aldrin tomorrow morning, then ducks out at 11 PM JEAN-BAPTISTE CHARBONNEAU Almost immediately heads out to the backyard and starts surveying the land Whenever he's asked what he's doing, he just grunts in response The Roosevelt/Hemingway/ Phillip wrestling match knocks over the telescope he was using and he's upset DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER ALEXANDER HAMILTON Takes a beer and hangs out in the corner blithely drinking, popularity comes to him without his intending it and he patiently receives fans Really giddy about everything, has great hourlong conversations with a couple historical figures When the wrestling match starts he pulls out his phone and starts filming and commentating JOSEPHINE BAKER| T.E. LAWRENCE MARCUS AURELIUS EMPEROR HADRIAN GEORGE GERSHWIN WOLFGANG AMADEUS Feels infinitely blessed for this opportunity, when people dote on him he says simply "I have everything I need" with a complacent smile Has a fervent conversation with Marco Polo about the future of the known world, has a lot of fun looking at the internet I keep getting him more wine and tell him, falsely, that I deliberately brought him here When Debussy loses interest in the keyboard he takes it and begins charismatically playing tunes for everyone A couple hours later I find him and Samuel Colt trying to William Tell a shotglass off a college guy's head Leaves almost as soon as he arrives Just then Gabriele D'Annunzio pops up and says "I'M AN ACTOR," but Caine scoffs and walks away Where did he get a horse Just drinking and talking with each other, don't make much of an effort to assimilate Even the college kids are into it, Josephine Baker starts dancing on the piano and it's lit Briefly join Charbonneau out back, say some hushed words then make sure they're back inside before the wrestling match Makes quick friends with Jünger and fends off all other potential partners; the two drop acid and molly together, strip, paint themselves like Indians, and run around the house in at state of Euphoria Leave together, walk into the woods out back rather than the street Has a great time and drinks a lot, whispers to his friends that he thinks Josephine Baker is hot but doesn't approach her Sticks close to Benjamin Franklin and John Adams because they're at least familiar to him Hot-tempered; he and John Steinbeck get in a political argument and Hamilton almost impulsively challenges him to a fight Really awkward, laughs at inappropriate times and can't hold a conversation During one of these times Buzz Aldrin comes and slaps him on the back and says "what's up Werner!?" and the students are horrified reason they start laughing, arm-wrestling, and jostling each other. out back to do actual wrestling Hemingway wins and he and Roosevelt, shirtless, shake hands and smoke together, staring at the stars and discussing literature MOZART Moons the older people to get a reaction out of them Calls Bismarck "Bis- fart" and runs away giggling He and Fleming lean against the wall matching each other shot for shot and having a slur-filled conversation Found in the bathroom. eating his own poop Tries to convince the Founding Fathers present that they need to build nuclear weapons ASAP and they're horrified Disappears and is found 15 minutes later in my bedroom, wearing a woman's dress WINSTON CHURCHILL Sipping a glass of brandy he somehow brought here. JOHN F. KENNEDY | BUZZ ALDRIN PRINCE PHILLIP Star of the party and he knows it, every historical figure from after his time rushes to speak with him Talks louder than almost anyone else, tells a string of jokes but only half of them hit Makes an off-color joke to a college girl already at the party and she gets p----- at him but he laughs it off Has an infectiously- positive attitude and sings karaoke F---- a college girl in the bathroom When Rasputin comes to honk him, she's well able to handle herself in a fight He and Eisenhower talk often, "just like the old days" Gets along well with the older 20th century men but isn't fond of Jack London Dante crosses himself when he sees her and says a prayer for her soul Joyce bumps into him and mutters something about Ireland; Churchill scoffs and gives a witty insult ARAM Doesn't even mind the time travel thing, he's having a great time Leaves without saying goodbye HEINRICH HARRER MICHAEL CAINE THEODORE ROOSEVELT MARCO POLO | IAN FLEMING Then for no apparent Tries to join Marco Polo and Ibn Battuta in Scowls, picks a book off my shelf, and begins reading. Yells at anyone who approaches him. Cracking jokes about everything; these hit much better than Buzz Aldrin's, making him resentful Kind of concerned that he's the only actor at the party, approaches me and asks in a barely-intelligible accent why I didn't invite more He and Hemingway enter a drinking contest and stare deadlocked at one another across the table as they down shots of whiskey the closet, but is rejected Gets along with MacArthur and wishes he could've been in WWII BRAUN RON PAUL SAMUEL COLT Fangirls over Adam Smith, follows him the whole night although Smith is a little creeped out Gets drunk on two wine coolers and tries to start an argument with Huey Long, but fails JOHN PAUL JONES FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY Gets way too drunk early in the night and jumps off the A modern girl at the party calls him an incel and he shouts a string of insults at her then goes into the corner and cries roof into a pool Simps for Eisenhower and is really pleased that they're going golfing together tomorrow Tries to get with Sophia Loren but she rejects him Watches Fox News with Chiang Kai Shrek and falls asleep in the basement He and Ibn Battuta hotbox a closet; I pull it open to find them trying to figure out Google Maps Walks around with a solo cup of warm water, pours it on couples while shouting in Vulgar Latin I shoo them out; Marco immediately rushes to Marcus Aurelius and Hadrian to brag, but they're too occupied with trying to ward off Machiavelli ERNEST HEMINGWAY Captivates the crowd with his WWI stories, makes quick friends with Lawrence, Roosevelt, Phillip, and Jünger Drinks way too much. whiskey in a contest with Roosevelt and wins a highly-publicized three-way backyard wrestling match commentated by Joe Rogan and refereed by Frederick Douglass Slaps me on the back and says "great party. let's do it again sometime," then leaves with two girls When he sees D'Annunzio he's disappointed in what has happened to his country, begs me to send him back although I have no power to do so OTTO VON BISMARCK Stands in the corner Slaps Rasputin and drinking beer from shouts "you are a a stein, horrified at man of god, behave the degeneracy yourself!" and they the youth begin an impassioned argument Vese Laughs and says "it is within man's nature" Sorta kinda gets along with Garibaldi but nobody else, abhors the leftists and stays far away Proceeds to have a pleasant philosophical conversation with Freud as Ron Paul clamors for his attention Steinbeck comes by to pay his respects and Dostoyevsky shouts "get away from me you. dirty Jew," then leaves the party in tears He, Hemingway. and Theodore Roosevelt have a friendly wrestling match in the backyard He loses but declares himself the winner Comes loaded up and instantly makes friends with Joe Rogan T ERNST JÜNGER HUNTER S. THOMPSON SOPHIA LOREN ADAM SMITH BENJAMIN RICH a Fascinated with Swipes a handle from my Is in a group with Lawrence and Hemingway telling WWI stories when Thompson finds personal bar and is just always carries one) and after a brief conversation about journalism with Nelly Bly, immediately starts looking for a trip partner Gets all the men to bring her drinks and coke, shows off her voluptuous t--- the number of products available in the 21st century, examines all the beer labels caught trying to resell it for a 700% markup Immediately starts filming and tries to talk with Marco Polo and Ibn Battuta, but they totally ignore him So he gets s-------- and corners Nina Simone in a bathroom, slurring "you look about 16, darling" him Will only show his guns to a select few people, isn't afraid to be crass to the others A college girl walks up to him and asks about gun reform and he threatens to shoot her Smokes profusely the whole night and blows smoke in everyone's faces Hangs out with Roald Dahl although he's not exactly wanted, especially after he gets buzzed and starts calling every ethnic person, including Chiang Kai Shek, the n word GABRIELE D'ANNUNZIO Tries hard to impress the other Italians at the party but they're creeped out by him Does a ton of coke and has an "accidental" wardrobe malfunction Found an hour later trying to slip a pill into a girl's drink She runs out screaming and I kick him out of the party

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Oh no! I'm hosting a regular party but 64 of my favorite historical figures magically appear in my h...


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Authoritarian The immortal science of materialist Christianity made the master race dialectics is the only permitted world view. weak. Islam in particular must be destroyed. Economic- Left Imagine caring about anything. Economic- Right Sorry, but religion is, like, the patriarchy, sweetie. Slaves of the Archons Wanna buy a brain chip? Or at least a bottle of corn syrup? Libertarian Servants of the Aeons I hate the antichrist!
How is order maintained and the issue of economic scarcity dealt with? Authoritarian Government & Government Property Rights Economic- Left Economic- Right IDK (It's going to be a government) Property Rights Libertarian
LIBERTE EGALITE FRATERNITE FRATERNITE EGALITE LIBERTE
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Political Compass - Oh no! I'm hosting a regular party but 64 of my favorite historical figures magically appear in my h...

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HUEY LONG Walks up to me, I stutter 'n-no" and he lights a cigar, and starts shouting at me and flips over a table says "you gonna do anything about the sex and gambling in here?" Eventually calms down and goes into the kitchen with Zhukov, where he spends the rest of the night In the morning I find a revolver and some shell casings on the table, but everything else looks untouched Filled with stories and political philosophies, but when anyone questions him he starts a loud argument JOHN STEINBECK NINA SIMONE In particular hates Kissinger, Hamilton, Bismarck, and D'Annunzio Tries to pull others to his side and fails, nonetheless parries multiple arguments at once JACK LONDON Wants in on the backyard wrestling match but gets caught in listening to Dahl's stories and misses it Tries to convince others at the party that Adam Smith is a hack and they need to join a union Hangs out with Marco Polo but thinks Ibn Battuta is a "smelly Arab" MARTIN LUTHER KING A mediator people actually listen to Wading through the crowd with a glazed expression, obviously fascinated by it all Successfully breaks up fights between multiple ideological aggressors, even puts himself between the fighting parties lan Fleming calls him the n word; he shakes his head and leaves the party in disappointment NELLY BLY Converses with as many people as she can while scribbling furiously in a notepad When she interviews Rasputin he takes her curiosity for affection and tries to grope her; she runs into the bathroom and Bismarck slaps him JAMES JOYCE Really enthusiastic to interact with Steinbeck and London although he f------ hates the right wing authors Churchill tries to make conversation with him and he shouts him down re: Ireland Asks to trip with Jünger and Thompson but everyone else convinces him that would be a very bad idea Really vibing to the music although she's entirely new to hip-hop She and Debussy gush about music, Gershwin is there but he's kinda a fifth wheel A lot of male figures hit on her but she rejects their advances GEORGY ZHUKOV In a vodka-drinking contest with Long; they sit at the kitchen table and eat cheese and sausage together Declares that he's God, exposes his erect penis, and tries to r--- multiple women Bismarck is horrified and they get in a public fight broken up by Mr. Rogers Rasputin ODs and passes out, then wakes up, steals a carton of eggs from my fridge, and walks out Considers everyone on the right side of the compass a Fascist and refuses to speak with them, although he hugs Eisenhower once and kisses his cheeks Disgusted that I "invited" Kissinger and MacArthur (I did not invite any of you people, you just showed up) Runs out of the bathroom screaming after Benjamin Rich tries to grope her Sings a duet with Josephine Baker although she's visibly uncomfortable FREDERICK DOUGLASS Hangs out with MLK; when Fleming calls King the n word he shoves him into a corner and says "you don't talk to friend that way Cries with happiness when he hears how race relations have improved overall He and Theodore Roosevelt have a spirited discussion and he even referees the wrestling match Discovers marijuana at this party and immediately enjoys it Yes this wojak is Karl Marx in blackface, I couldn't find a Frederick Douglass wojak FRED ROGERS Doesn't drink anything, mills around with his eyes down cleaning up trash. Later serves as DD for multiple strangers. When Rasputin and Bismarck are shouting at each other he gets in the middle. tries to make them compromise, but Rasputin just pulls his d--- out and waves it around He and Machiavelli strike up a conversation and speak for hours, they leave together ACHILLE-CLAUDE DEBUSSY Sits in the corner awkwardly smoking and tapping a few notes on a keyboard I ask him to play something for the party and he mutters "no, no, my work is not that good" Actually succeeds in talking to lbn Battuta for a little while before he goes into the closet Joins Joyce in berating Churchill in public, but he's cool with Garibaldi for some reason Swaps WWI stories with Hemingway GEORGE ORWELL Sits in a chair and says nothing except to argue a little political philosophy with Machiavelli Fleming comes by to pay tribute and Orwell punches him in the face then leaves the party Is busy painting the wrestling match until someone pulls him aside and tells him Vincent is in trouble He makes Van Gogh tea and brings him a mug, and they sit together discussing philosophy for the rest of the night Then Eisenhower approaches and he suddenly turns positive; Eisenhower invites DeGaulle to golf tomorrow but he shouts "no thank you, I decline" so the whole party can hear CHARLES DE GAULLE NICCOLÒ MACHIAVELLI Sits in the corner drinking from a bottle of wine and muttering about how this place is dominated by Anglos POPE FRANCIS He says almost nothing and silently shakes the hands of those who approach him When fights break out he whispers something in Latin but doesn't intervene otherwise Kennedy cries with happiness when he sees him but doesn't dare approach ROALD DAHL His RAF stories are a hit and he's the life of the party. He and Kennedy hug each other as if they've been friends for years. He's a charismatic storyteller and at one point all the i authors at the party are gathered around him, although Hemingway drunkenly calls him out on the more fantastical elements Dahl lowkey asks Thompson for some drugs but doesn't make a thing out of it The existence of smartphones wows him; he calls over his contemporaries to have a look I find him at 4 AM passed out in the bathtub with a bottle of wine and a Playboy mag IBN BATTUTA Immediately hotboxes a closet with Marco Polo using some dank hashish he has on him Tries to buy one of the college girls from me and doesn't understand when he can't GREGORY RASPUTIN CLAUDE MONET VINCENT VAN GOGH Steals pills from Thompson's suitcase, throws them around the room, then takes a handful Cries when he sees my spice rack, drapes a sweaty arm around my shoulder, and says "you must be the richest king on earth" Friends with everyone here but mostly sticks by Hadrian, he shakes his head when Hadrian disappears upstairs with me. CHIANG KAI-SHEK Stays the f--- away from Simone, Steinbeck, and London, and compares them to animals Hangs out *near* Debussy with his hands wrapped around his knees, staring into the carpet Spends most of the night absorbed in his own mind, angrily repels everyone except Monet Takes a shot with MacArthur then goes into the basement and turns on Fox News; falls asleep in a recliner The two of them drink tea and speak French and Dutch in quiet tones Sits in the corner with a complacent smile, doesn't move until he realizes Hadrian and Marcus Aurelius are here, at which time he springs up to talk to them When he realizes they don't want to talk to him, he goes to Freud. They stand against the wall and psychoanalyze the others. By the end of the night they're great friends. JOHN ADAMS Doesn't drink anything, scowls, walks alongside Mr. Rogers and tells him that he's disappointed at the state of youth today He and Bismarck actually get along pretty well, but he actively tries to avoid Kennedy, who he condemns as a showboater Leaves the party muttering to himself NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON Drinks six beers then gets offended when I tell him to save some for the rest of the party SID Tries to explain astrophysics to Ben Franklin even though he's just trying to dance Jünger and Thompson. find him in the middle of their acid trip and get freaked out Avoids Kissinger Whenever a fight starts he goes into another room SIGMUND FREUD BEN FRANKLIN | JIMMY CARTER| JOE ROGAN WERNER VON BRAUN WERNER VON Is giddy with Competing with happiness, thinks he's having a dream and desperately tries to analyze what's going Bly to be the most intrusive one at the party Is mildly amused by the situation, mills around with his hands in his pockets asking people what they're doing but not prying Has an anxious demeanor, I can tell he's not much of a party guy. Helps Mr. Rogers clean. Stands in the kitchen drinking a white claw, occasionally talks with Roald Dahl or Kissinger but nobody else When college students ask who he is he answers "uhh Oskar Schindler" on Watches the wrestling match with crossed arms then sits in the grass near the competitors afterward, staring at the stars ROMAN VON UNGERN GIUSEPPE GARIBALDI DOUGLAS MACARTHUR DANTE ALIGHERI STERNBERG The only person he can relate to is Machiavelli, but all the other Italians had might as well be Chinese to him Everyone kinda forgets about him but then at 2 AM he rides a horse into the backyard, fully naked, and tries to force a beer into Dante's mouth He asks to come upstairs with me and of f------ course I oblige Circulating among the party but not making any friends, he kinda creeps everyone out When he learns Zhukov is here he pulls a knife from his boot and rushes through the crowd to try to murder him Immediately jumps for the opportunity to do drugs Has an excellent and philosophical acid/molly trip with Thompson and sobers up in time for the wrestling match Cops are called and he gets hauled away screaming. this busts the party HENRY KISSINGER LEWIS AND CLARK Wears a hat and sunglasses, lowkey having a good time talking with Churchill and MacArthur but doesn't want to be seen by anyone else When I greet him he shushes me, a college girl notices and tells Nina Simone, who tries to get him kicked out He leaves with Dostoyevsky Has a wholesome sense of humor; makes plans to play golf with Ron Paul and Buzz Aldrin tomorrow morning, then ducks out at 11 PM JEAN-BAPTISTE CHARBONNEAU Almost immediately heads out to the backyard and starts surveying the land Whenever he's asked what he's doing, he just grunts in response The Roosevelt/Hemingway/ Phillip wrestling match knocks over the telescope he was using and he's upset DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER ALEXANDER HAMILTON Takes a beer and hangs out in the corner blithely drinking, popularity comes to him without his intending it and he patiently receives fans Really giddy about everything, has great hourlong conversations with a couple historical figures When the wrestling match starts he pulls out his phone and starts filming and commentating JOSEPHINE BAKER| T.E. LAWRENCE MARCUS AURELIUS EMPEROR HADRIAN GEORGE GERSHWIN WOLFGANG AMADEUS Feels infinitely blessed for this opportunity, when people dote on him he says simply "I have everything I need" with a complacent smile Has a fervent conversation with Marco Polo about the future of the known world, has a lot of fun looking at the internet I keep getting him more wine and tell him, falsely, that I deliberately brought him here When Debussy loses interest in the keyboard he takes it and begins charismatically playing tunes for everyone A couple hours later I find him and Samuel Colt trying to William Tell a shotglass off a college guy's head Leaves almost as soon as he arrives Just then Gabriele D'Annunzio pops up and says "I'M AN ACTOR," but Caine scoffs and walks away Where did he get a horse Just drinking and talking with each other, don't make much of an effort to assimilate Even the college kids are into it, Josephine Baker starts dancing on the piano and it's lit Briefly join Charbonneau out back, say some hushed words then make sure they're back inside before the wrestling match Makes quick friends with Jünger and fends off all other potential partners; the two drop acid and molly together, strip, paint themselves like Indians, and run around the house in at state of Euphoria Leave together, walk into the woods out back rather than the street Has a great time and drinks a lot, whispers to his friends that he thinks Josephine Baker is hot but doesn't approach her Sticks close to Benjamin Franklin and John Adams because they're at least familiar to him Hot-tempered; he and John Steinbeck get in a political argument and Hamilton almost impulsively challenges him to a fight Really awkward, laughs at inappropriate times and can't hold a conversation During one of these times Buzz Aldrin comes and slaps him on the back and says "what's up Werner!?" and the students are horrified reason they start laughing, arm-wrestling, and jostling each other. out back to do actual wrestling Hemingway wins and he and Roosevelt, shirtless, shake hands and smoke together, staring at the stars and discussing literature MOZART Moons the older people to get a reaction out of them Calls Bismarck "Bis- fart" and runs away giggling He and Fleming lean against the wall matching each other shot for shot and having a slur-filled conversation Found in the bathroom. eating his own poop Tries to convince the Founding Fathers present that they need to build nuclear weapons ASAP and they're horrified Disappears and is found 15 minutes later in my bedroom, wearing a woman's dress WINSTON CHURCHILL Sipping a glass of brandy he somehow brought here. JOHN F. KENNEDY | BUZZ ALDRIN PRINCE PHILLIP Star of the party and he knows it, every historical figure from after his time rushes to speak with him Talks louder than almost anyone else, tells a string of jokes but only half of them hit Makes an off-color joke to a college girl already at the party and she gets p----- at him but he laughs it off Has an infectiously- positive attitude and sings karaoke F---- a college girl in the bathroom When Rasputin comes to honk him, she's well able to handle herself in a fight He and Eisenhower talk often, "just like the old days" Gets along well with the older 20th century men but isn't fond of Jack London Dante crosses himself when he sees her and says a prayer for her soul Joyce bumps into him and mutters something about Ireland; Churchill scoffs and gives a witty insult ARAM Doesn't even mind the time travel thing, he's having a great time Leaves without saying goodbye HEINRICH HARRER MICHAEL CAINE THEODORE ROOSEVELT MARCO POLO | IAN FLEMING Then for no apparent Tries to join Marco Polo and Ibn Battuta in Scowls, picks a book off my shelf, and begins reading. Yells at anyone who approaches him. Cracking jokes about everything; these hit much better than Buzz Aldrin's, making him resentful Kind of concerned that he's the only actor at the party, approaches me and asks in a barely-intelligible accent why I didn't invite more He and Hemingway enter a drinking contest and stare deadlocked at one another across the table as they down shots of whiskey the closet, but is rejected Gets along with MacArthur and wishes he could've been in WWII BRAUN RON PAUL SAMUEL COLT Fangirls over Adam Smith, follows him the whole night although Smith is a little creeped out Gets drunk on two wine coolers and tries to start an argument with Huey Long, but fails JOHN PAUL JONES FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY Gets way too drunk early in the night and jumps off the A modern girl at the party calls him an incel and he shouts a string of insults at her then goes into the corner and cries roof into a pool Simps for Eisenhower and is really pleased that they're going golfing together tomorrow Tries to get with Sophia Loren but she rejects him Watches Fox News with Chiang Kai Shrek and falls asleep in the basement He and Ibn Battuta hotbox a closet; I pull it open to find them trying to figure out Google Maps Walks around with a solo cup of warm water, pours it on couples while shouting in Vulgar Latin I shoo them out; Marco immediately rushes to Marcus Aurelius and Hadrian to brag, but they're too occupied with trying to ward off Machiavelli ERNEST HEMINGWAY Captivates the crowd with his WWI stories, makes quick friends with Lawrence, Roosevelt, Phillip, and Jünger Drinks way too much. whiskey in a contest with Roosevelt and wins a highly-publicized three-way backyard wrestling match commentated by Joe Rogan and refereed by Frederick Douglass Slaps me on the back and says "great party. let's do it again sometime," then leaves with two girls When he sees D'Annunzio he's disappointed in what has happened to his country, begs me to send him back although I have no power to do so OTTO VON BISMARCK Stands in the corner Slaps Rasputin and drinking beer from shouts "you are a a stein, horrified at man of god, behave the degeneracy yourself!" and they the youth begin an impassioned argument Vese Laughs and says "it is within man's nature" Sorta kinda gets along with Garibaldi but nobody else, abhors the leftists and stays far away Proceeds to have a pleasant philosophical conversation with Freud as Ron Paul clamors for his attention Steinbeck comes by to pay his respects and Dostoyevsky shouts "get away from me you. dirty Jew," then leaves the party in tears He, Hemingway. and Theodore Roosevelt have a friendly wrestling match in the backyard He loses but declares himself the winner Comes loaded up and instantly makes friends with Joe Rogan T ERNST JÜNGER HUNTER S. THOMPSON SOPHIA LOREN ADAM SMITH BENJAMIN RICH a Fascinated with Swipes a handle from my Is in a group with Lawrence and Hemingway telling WWI stories when Thompson finds personal bar and is just always carries one) and after a brief conversation about journalism with Nelly Bly, immediately starts looking for a trip partner Gets all the men to bring her drinks and coke, shows off her voluptuous t--- the number of products available in the 21st century, examines all the beer labels caught trying to resell it for a 700% markup Immediately starts filming and tries to talk with Marco Polo and Ibn Battuta, but they totally ignore him So he gets s-------- and corners Nina Simone in a bathroom, slurring "you look about 16, darling" him Will only show his guns to a select few people, isn't afraid to be crass to the others A college girl walks up to him and asks about gun reform and he threatens to shoot her Smokes profusely the whole night and blows smoke in everyone's faces Hangs out with Roald Dahl although he's not exactly wanted, especially after he gets buzzed and starts calling every ethnic person, including Chiang Kai Shek, the n word GABRIELE D'ANNUNZIO Tries hard to impress the other Italians at the party but they're creeped out by him Does a ton of coke and has an "accidental" wardrobe malfunction Found an hour later trying to slip a pill into a girl's drink She runs out screaming and I kick him out of the party

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Uploaded Feb 22, 2023 at 11:23PM EST

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Political Compass

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