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Political Compass - I've just returned from a three-week trip of wandering around the tiny Balkan nation of Slovenia. He...

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LUNCHLADY I kinda snuck into a brewery in Ljubljana and ate in the employee cafeteria A lunchlady called me out and yelled at me Security escorted me out POLISH BOHINJ TOURISTS Watched and laughed as a guy in my group fell into the lake I had a bag of loose Zloty in my backpack and begged them to exchange it with me, they thought it was counterfeit and refused GENEROUS BAKER Had a three-minute conversation with him in Slovenian and he gave me a loaf of bread I was so proud of myself, I ended up getting a lot of free things just by speaking Slovenian BREXIT CRITIC British woman from Bled with whom I regrettably went on a hike She spent the whole time railing against Boris Johnson and UKIP Can't you just enjoy the trees, man? DUTCH PARENTS Two old parents I met on a bus, they were coming to visit their son who lived here Kept showing me pictures of him and telling me how proud they were of him, I just wanted to sleep FRENCH COUPLE French couple staying in our room in the Mojstrana hostel The woman was in her 20s and the guy in his 50s They constantly cuddled and baby-talked but they also made the whole hostel dinner one night which was chill Irish Catholic Would NOT from Belfast who was proud of his heritage answer questions about the Troubles and had slurs about the English Was here on an unannounced hiatus from work DRAFT DODGERSI I learned they fled Belarus last summer to avoid getting drafted into Two Belarusians in our Mojstrana hostel who didn't want to open up and got scared when I spoke Russian to them ALJAŽEV MATRON The lady running a remote hut in the Slovenian mountains where I stayed the night Upset that I didn't bring slippers and made me wear hers the Ukraine War and have been living on the road since Fed me constantly and wouldn't take no for an answer NEUROTIC BELGIAN U Staying at my hostel in Kobarid Was really jumpy and finicky and when I started making instant coffee, she got upset I was doing it that way Mf yelled at me for how I made my coffee His backpack was covered in Alpine cover trails GAY DANE The only other guest in my 10-bed hostel room in Kobarid Was in his late 40s and definitely flirting with me Masturbated when he thought I was asleep ADVICE-GIVER Gay Slovenian man I matched with on tinder but didn't meet up with BELFAHST SINGLE MOTHER Woman who gave me a ride on the road to Tolmin Nevertheless he gave me tons of valuable advice about the country AUSTRIAN ALPINIST ITALIAN REFUGE The first human I met in two hours on the trail, I tried to engage him in conversation and he merely grunted, smiled uncomfortably at me, and went the other direction Went on multiple hikes together and talked about our feelings, it was like therapy Her taking the risk to pick up an exhausted hitchhiker when she was alone with her two babies in the DUTCH LESBIAN DISAPPROVAL The owner of a mountain hut halfway up Hochstuhl back restored my faith in humanity COUPLE Staying in the party hostel in Bled, but never went out or talked to anyone else Was the life of the party every night Stayed in bed cuddling all the time and shut off the lights at precisely 11 PM; snapped at those who stayed up afterwards HARVARD LAW STUDENTS The only Americans I met in Bled I treated them like Gods, they treated me like a human I was simply revered that they were speaking to me WOMEN I got lost in the fog on the Caporetto battlefield and unwittingly wandered into Italy It began to rain and I found a remote house and an older Italian woman invited me inside and gave me coffee and a panino and showed me a map WWI HISTORIAN Longtime Twitter friend, now I asked him to confirm the veracity of the relics I'd found He did, and he was glad I'd found them Amazing moment of validation WHANAUNGATANGA Kiwi I met in Bled and went on a long hike with The Australians made fun of his accent CHEEKY ÅLANDER DUTCHESS British/South African Jew in my room in the Bled hostel, ended up becoming the best friend I made on the trip Swedish/Finnish girl from the Aland Islands, which has the best flag of any European place She found it funny when I said so and said "you must spend a lot of time on Reddit" completely unsolicited German swears are intimidating VACUUM REPAIR Had all German couple I met deep in sorts of the woods on the fourth hour cool Māori of my hike into the Alps They were excited to talk to an phrases he American and they told me all kept pulling about how they sold vacuum out cleaners to Americans. ULPT Argentine in my Mojstrana hostel who worked for a travel magazine and lived on the road Drank mate constantly Gave me tons of advice about hitchhiking, drinking rainwater, and getting into places I shouldn't GAY OZZIE ROAD-TRIPPING=/ Flamboyantly gay Australian in our Bled Hostel who organized a lot of outings for us, very sociable A Polish/ I ende up Turkish couple spending the who picked me whole day road- tripping with up when I was them, going to hitchhiking various random sites and just dicking around in general BOY ASS Radical centrist: 21-year-old Serbian student had a portrait of hooked up with Tito on his wall; railed against libs and Biden and trans people; said he wanted zero taxes; and was proudly gay and against US intervention in Europe They jumped off a cliff into a gorge with all their clothes on, it was wild I asked how many hours to the summit and she looked me over, shook her head with disappointment, and walked away TYPE A British woman I met in Mojstrana who was absolutely determined to climb Triglav even though it was almost impossible. What Her uncle was killed in an avalanche in Antarctica and she wanted to avenge him CHESS GERMAN German in my Kobarid hostel with whom I played chess Beat him most of the time, he swore under his breath whenever he blundered During her attempt she got stuck in a snowstorm, became hypothermic, and had to get helicoptered out Dutch ornithologist in my Mojstrana hostel, hiked up to the international tripoint and bonded well with her Constantly funny, clever, and knowledgeable After I left she sent me a message: "look me up if you're ever in Amsterdam , would love to have you over" Wait, I could've scored?? CHAINSMOKE Brit in the Bled hostel who smoked constantly He had done every drug imaginable and we discussed it at length Drinks are on him if I ever visit Southampton SLOVENE GOPNIKS On my last night in Slovenia, two gopniks checked into the hostel 15 minutes later I walked in on them railing lines of coke in the I was afraid room of reprisal so I closed. the door and went out for a couple hours THE EMIRATIC Half the passengers were Indians coming from Delhi and I asked if he was too Sat next to me on the flight home Owner of my hostel in Bled Big mistake, he exclaimed "f--- no, I'm not one of those" Kind, outgoing, charismatic British lad I met in Bled Spent the flight lecturing me on the superiority of the Arab world Had contacts everywhere in the country, I asked him about a super obscure place and he immediately called a friend there BLED HOSTELIER CHILDLIKE RABBI Sat next to me on the transatlantic flight to Europe Prioritized everyone's safety and would make sure we didn't do anything dumb RIZZ Asked me a lot of questions about US culture and asked if "Chads" were really a thing Made me realize that there really are too many school shootings here MED SCHOOL Friend from home in the middle of med school who messaged me on instagram and told me he wished he'd never gone to grad school and he wished he could disappear into Slovenia like me Made me feel really f------ scared about going to law school this fall KOBARID KOUPLE Couple that ran our hostel Genuinely kind people but kept trying to sell everyone additional packages Met them on my ascent of Hochstuhl, they had spent all morning trying to break through and eventually turned back in exhaustion Treated the hostel like it was their own home. and we were guests CROATS They offered me a beer and I declined, citing the need to stay strong for my ascent They warned me about the snow; I should have listened BIKE RENTAL LADY Rented me a bike for €15 in Bled, which really isn't bad I got hit by a car and returned the bike with a bent handlebar but she laughed it off and didn't charge me extra Based entrepreneur lady HOSTEL CAT The Kobarid hostel had a cat, an affectionate Maine C--- She nipped at everyone's legs when she was hungry and begged for table scraps Universally-loved except by Neurotic Belgian, who got mad that it wasn't in the description of the place CURATOR Curator of the Kobarid Great War Museum I asked her which period of Slovenian history is most fondly remembered and she answered, without a second of doubt, "Austria- Hungary." Told me that young people don't realize how good it was under Franz Josef TO Took off his shoes *and* socks and bit his fingernails half off Spent the flight watching children's movies and loudly cackling FINDING NEMO Californian marine biologist staying in my Mojstrana hostel CROSSFIRE I'm Jewish and this s--- made me realize why people hate Jews ATHLETIC STOL COUPLE Couple I met during the final ascent of Hochstuhl; they had made the summit but they had crampons and ice axes I asked for advice and they laughed Appeared super uncomfortable and wouldn't talk to anyone, spent his time reading silently IDAHOANS On top of a mountain, the only other people there was a rich Idahoan couple I've never met a person from Idaho and the idea that they'd leave a state with such natural beauty to come here was puzzling to me They were beautiful but clueless UNICORN H Métis Labradorian; I couldn't get over how much of an ethnic anomaly he was because there are only 5,000 of his kind in the wild. Anyway, he was a suave, chill hockey player and everyone at the hostel was his friend K2 Belgian extreme sports athlete staying in my Bovec hostel Told me in detail how he planned to climb K2 or die trying I admire him CLIENT CALL Halfway through my trip, a Californian instagram follower messaged and asked if he could talk to me about paying to guide him on a Slovenia trip BLED BARMAID Barmaid at my hostel in Bled, I had coffee with her for three consecutive mornings Thinking this the opportunity of a lifetime I jumped right into a call but after an hour of talking, it didn't work out "What's a kilometer?" One day she told me about how she walked in on two lesbians having sex and how it was "unnatural and mutant" THE FUZZ On my last day in Slovenia two cops came to our hostel and started aggressively asking questions O would understand a man and a woman; that happens when traveling. But I had to wash the sheets extra hard after seeing this" HEERE The very first car I ever hitchhiked with: a German Army Land Rover They were really chill and we spent the drive discussing military history Guy in Bled hostel who lived on a cattle farm in the Netherlands AC Turns out someone who stayed there last week was now wanted by Interpol MASHAB I'm just glad they weren't there because of the brewery incident Their grandfathers killed my ancestors During a long hike I came to a part of the trail that was entirely blocked off by a logging operation: massive machines felled trees and wood splinters were everywhere him and he had a heavier accent than the others DUTCH REDNECK RETIREMENT The other Dutch people in the hostel didn't talk to Looked like an American farmer people in my Ljubljana hostel, we hung out for three days SUOMI I thought I'd have to turn back but the loggers simply stopped the machines and told me to walk on through the plane ride to Ljubljana Sat near me on Looked like a raggedy dude in his 20s but kept talking on the phone about the "business" and "when the deal was happening" Definitely drugs Definitely dangerous, would never happen in the US A Serbian shopkeeper who made excellent meats, I watched him grill them KARHU THE LOGGERS BUSINESSMEN/0 Swiss and Japanese businessmen who had just closed a major deal and were sitting next to me at a restaurant celebrating DEMOGRAPHIC NEAPOLITAN VALLEY GIRL Asked the host where she could go shopping and "dress like a little Slovenian" I asked what the best beer was and he pointed to the most expensive one, I'm not mad EXCHANGE BANKER I brought a bunch of USD to exchange for Euro, but the first bank I walked into told me to leave immediately CATHOLIC SCHOOL A girl from Ohio staying at my hostel in Bled, so we hit it off They were shocked there I asked why and the banker simply shook his head and said "go somewhere else. Leave." I were no saunas here Meanest man in Slovenia MANA SLURSE 19-year-old Brit and one of the most attractive humans I've ever met. Hooked up with lots of girls in the hostel. Anyway had coffee with him one morning and he told me about the "gypsy problem and taught me six slurs for Irish people Was wearing a giant crucifix and her phone lockscreen was the Virgin Mary It was Saturday night and she left at 11:30 PM so she could get up for Mass Guy I met on my plane to Ljubljana, American veteran who served 20 years and was coming here to retire Idiot Californian in our Ljubljana hostel ĆEVAPČIČI GROPEY INDIAN Half the flight back from Europe were Indians connecting from Delhi E DH Implied to be doing some sex tourism Bragged that he had $3 million and it would last him 50 years here; I was envious They ordered the most expensive things on the menu and drank tons of champagne, I watched with bitter sadness and wished I was them THE FINNS+ "ROCKSTARS" The only sociable I was in the middle of nowhere on the Slovenian/Italian They drank constantly and got way too excited about football and Eurovision border and had been hiking alone for two hours when a green Renault from the early 90s pulled up Refused to eat at any restaurant where English wasn't printed on the signs One kept ordering alcohol and for some reason they kept bringing it; he had at least 12 drinks By the time we reached Canada he was shouting randomly and he tried to grope a flight attendant, leading to a stern reprimand It was full of men with long hair in military fatigues drinking and driving. They called themselves "the rockstars" and I think they were a gang When they learned I was an American the only one who spoke English went on a rant about how COVID was a conspiracy to control the people. There was a gun in the car

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