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This is advertising, nobody is this authleft JAN (TOYOTA) An overly-enthusiastic Toyota sales lady who's had quite a bit of surgery Her entire countenance feels incredibly fake She would kill me in a fight, feed my body to pigs, and then lie about it ERNIE KEEBLER (KEEBLER SNACKS) Hardworking elf who gives out cookies to children Definite gay overtones I'd be able to beat him up, and he'd smile about it MISS BROWN (M&Ms) Brown anthropomorphic M&M that's coded as a sassy black lady There are strong feminist overtones Always speaking truth to power in the commercials Could beat her in a fight but even saying that seems racist AUNT JEMIMA (AUNT JEMIMA) Homely, warm, inviting black lady who serves people breakfast She'd whoop my ass with a rolling pin if I get out of line, she's "ma'am" to me Definitely on drugs Would beat me with his meth strength PUNCHY CLYDESDALES (BUDWEISER) Big, honorable horses who deliver Budweiser beer An American icon (HAWAIIAN PUNCH) Seems like a Californian stoner; we can't see his feet but he's definitely shoeless If we had to fight he'd probably just offer me a joint Would trample me in a fight GORTON'S FISHERMAN (GORTON'S) Seems like a working- class mariner and a salt-of-the-earth fellow Would beat the salt out of me THE COWS (CHICK-FIL-A) group of cows urging people to eat more chicken (so they don't die) Creative and funny concept COOKY BIRD (COCOA PUFFS) AFLAC DUCK (AFLAC) Mentally-ill bird who assaults children for cereal Total wildcard in a fight, probably wouldn't even go for it BUZZ THE BEE (CHEERIO'S) Cheeky little f-----, flies around and tells people that bland cereal tastes good I'd put him in a sock and bash him against the walls Really annoying, canonically gay Not only would I beat him in a fight, I'd wring his neck and roast him for dinner GRIMACE (MCDONALDS) Purple monster coded as a fat black man who steals milkshakes Was quietly removed from McDonald's marketing in 2012 but relaunched this year with a much more positive image I reckon in a fight, he's much stronger than he looks THE PROGRESSIVE GANG (PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE) Group of diverse and overly- enthusiastic insurance salespeople: the cult leader; the soyboy comic relief; the Debbie Downer; and the token black man Always came off as creepy to me Osl In a fight they would skin me alive and sacrifice my flesh to their gods F Бугааяаояч THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY (PILLSBURY) Affable doughboy who teaches people to bake I had nightmares about him as a kid Definitely not as strong as me, but would beat me in a fight THE GEICO GECKO (GEICO) Smooth-talking Australian gecko who never seems to explain *why* Geico is good, just set up cutaway gags Looks like the kind of guy who has a stable family life Would probably talk me out of the fight before it starts LILY (AT&T) Big-t---- momma who helps people use their phones I don't remember a single thing in those commercials, she's eye candy I would never fight her, she's too adorable DEEP-VOICED BLACK MAN (ARBY'S) Just shouts about meats while displaying oversized sandwiches I don't like the way he pronounces Arby's "Ahbeee's" From the way his voice sounds he seems obese and I wouldn't fw him in a fight Hot Hispanic chick with fruits on her head Seems like she'd be a good dancer In a fight would whoop my ass like Aunt Jemima CINNAMON (APPLE JACKS) Lanky, easygoing Jamaican cinnamon stick Would be friends with Punchy IRL BIBENDUM (MICHELIN TIRES) A friendly giant made of tires Wouldn't hurt me and I wouldn't hurt him Of course he'd beat me in a fight, he's a tire demon I'm afraid THE VLASIC STORK (VLASIC PICKLES) A Jewish- coded stork who delivers pickles to the elderly Reminds me of my grandparents Wouldn't beat me in a fight but while I'm beating him, he would complain of antisemitism JACK (CRACKER JACK) A sailor (???) who represents a mid snack you only eat if you're desperate and there's nothing else in the pantry RATNA MORNAR He's got that WWI body, he'd beat me and he'd do it in one punch TONY THE TIGER (FROSTED FLAKES) Anthropomorphic sexy tiger who's very athletic His Wikipedia article is amazing and hilarious He'd beat the s--- out of me but I wouldn't mind a lick SNUGGLE BEAR (SNUGGLE FABRIC SOFTENER) A loving, cuddly bear whose dead doll eyes stare into your soul and threaten you with every blink Would slit my throat in my sleep the night before the fight Seems like a bro who's cool to hang out with, there's no way we'd fight THE CHARMIN BEARS (CHARMIN) A family of bears who love s------- and telling everyone about it MAC TONIGHT (MCDONALD'S) Short-lived moon- headed piano player mascot They seem like total pushovers and I'd beat them easy Was iconic and very popular, but today has become a symbol of white supremacists (seriously, look this up) Would beat me in a fight MARLBORO MAN (MARLBORO CIGARETTES) Tough western cowboy who puts a masculine image on smoking O MISS CHIQUITA DUKE THE DOG CHUCK-E-CHEESE (CHIQUITA BANANA) (BUSH'S BAKED BEANS) (CHUCK-E-CHEESE) A rad kid, just like you Golden retriever who teases about releasing the secret recipe of Bush's Baked Beans Fun fact: literally every actor who portrayed him died of lung cancer He'd beat me pretty handily in a fight and look cool doing it CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (HOTELS.COM) Guy wearing a colonial-style captain's suit who makes snarky comments Would beat him in a fight with extreme prejudice CHARLIE THE TUNA (STARKIST) A wisecracking, Italian- American tuna from New Jersey (I know this isn't explicitly said, but it's my head canon) Probably has COPD and would get out of breath early in the fight HELPING HAND (HAMBURGER HELPER) Mischievous anthropomorphic hand with a creepy laugh There's definitely a sexual element to it Seems like the kind of guy who'd stick a finger in your butthole when he's losing the fight The face of a dying business Not sure if I'd beat him in a fight, but it would be fun ENERGIZER BUNNY (ENERGIZER) Just seems like he's on cocaine, and I can't explain why He'd hit me with that drug strength and it'd be lights out COLONEL SANDERS (KFC) Slick Kentuckian gentleman who sells you chicken Definitely descended from slaveowners Is a huge hit in Japan for some reason Seems like the kind of guy to send a proxy to a fight COLUMBIA (COLUMBIA PICTURES) Lady in the dress who holds up the torch at the beginning of movies Would definitely beat me in a fight, she's got those hard A---- features CAP'N CRUNCH (CAP'N CRUNCH) A naval officer who advertises children's breakfast cereal Fun fact: his sleeve insignia indicates the rank of Commander, not Captain He really should be court-martialed for false assumption of rank Anyway, I could beat him in a fight but we'd both be leaving with bruises NICOLE KIDMAN (AMC THEATRES) Classy lady who wears a suit and lots of makeup to the movies for some f------ reason Can't stand the commercials Could beat her in a fight, but wouldn't feel great about it LIMU EMU AND DOUG (LIBERTY MUTUAL INSURANCE) Two mustached cop-like characters who are the face of the most-annoying ad campaign of all time Seriously, f--- these ads I would bring a gun to a fistfight on this one THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD (DOS EQUIS) Sexy Hispanic Chuck Norris who buys nice things and sleeps around Would probably put me to sleep using some judo trick within 30 seconds (CHEETOS) Smooth-talking feline who markets gamer chips The sunglasses and smirk make it seem like he's into some shady s--- BUD KNIGHT (BUD LIGHT) A medieval The character knight who would be goes around infuriated at the route the brand handing out took after he was discontinued Bud Light He'd probably pull a switchblade in a fistfight I wouldn't make it five seconds in a fight before I get impaled TROJAN MAN (TROJAN CONDOMS) A Trojan warrior who tells you you're inadequate at sex Would beat me and laugh doing it THE BURGER KING (BURGER KING) Blinged-out king who sells burgers and hands out crowns to kids time In a fight he's probably much stronger than he looks, I'm afraid to imagine his ring hand careening into my face MR. PEANUT (PLANTER'S) Aristocratic peanut character who's way too smug Talks s--- but probably can't back it up in a fight THE MINIONS (ILLUMINATION) The single most annoying IP ever created A bunch of chattery Chinese jellybeans who want to destroy society and serve evil CHESTER CHEETAH JARED (SUBWAY) Creepy-looking kid diddler who's proven to be the most embarrassing ad mascot of all What were THEY doing between 1939 and 1945?? MAYHEM (ALLSTATE) Chaotic, amoral, insane, will wreck your s--- and not care Would destroy me in a fight then spit on my corpse Would touch me in my no- no square during the fight

American advertising mascots and whether or not I could beat them in a fight 7x7 wojak compass | /r/PoliticalCompassMemes


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