Captain, dead ahead! I know. ice- berg!!! Sorry Captain, we're in tropical waters! It looks like some sort of giant sea monster! Too bad! Icebergs are big money these days! If we could make 1/50th of the money Titanic made, we'd be rich! If it's not an iceberg. what did we strike? Hokey Japanese monster? It was interesting at first, We struck a rehash That Captain, of a 30-year-old sounds then it got B-movie, hokey Japanese monster! vaguely interesting! then tedious, stupid, then it just plain... IT WAS THE BEAST OF TIMES...DEPT. GOTSILLY WRITER D--- DEBARTOLO ARTIST ANGELO TORRES No, I'm No girl- single! friend! Great! Do you Boy- friend? Nineties or not. there's definitely no This is the '90s... boy- friend! I'm Dr. Neck Tattoo, a biologist! I've been doing a three-year scientific study of Chernobyl earthworms! Because of radio- active contamination, these earthworms are much bigger than they were before! But don't worry, they taste about the same! I've earned the nickname "worm boy"! Oddly enough, it has nothing to do with my studying worms! It's the way I crawl in front of my boss! Hey, there's not much call for my line of work, so I do what I have to do to keep my job! I'm Elsea Chapstick, a paleon- tologist and head of research at the National Institute of Paleontology and Advanced Sexual Positiontology! I'm also big flirt who's attracted to a big firt who Dr. Tattoo, the "worm boy"! I hope to go out with him soon so I can find out if the radioactive soil he works with has made anything else grow bigger! I'm Tawdry Timmids, and I want to be a TV news reporter! I I came to New York because it's an ideal training ground! Then, when I'm good, I'll go to some place important, like Lawton, Nevada or Secaucus, New Jersey! Some of my accomplishments can already be seen on the air! I polished the shoes our anchorman, Charles Caveman, is wearing! We brought you here to see these gigantic footprints, doctor! Any thoughts? Yeah, if Dr. Scholl could sell the guy who made these prints I told the Colonel just one pair of insoles, he could retire! Man, what large feet! He must use a hedge trimmer to cut his toe nails! this wasn't your field, Dr. Tattoo! I'm Elsea, the hot-to-trot paleontologist! Does your wife work with you? have a girlfriend? tones I'm Charles Caveman, self- important news anchor! News anchors are always portrayed as being vain and pompous in a very artificial way! But not me! I'm vain and pompous in a very real way! My assistant Tawdry says I'm a male chauvinist! But who would listen to her? She's only a woman, for God's sake! I'm Manimal, a TV cameraman who'll risk anything to get a story on video- tape! I've run into burning buildings, climbed into erupting volcanoes, and taken my equipment out into howling tornadoes! All of which has gotten me into the Guiness Book of World Records! Not for the footage I shot, but for destroying more video equip- ment than anyone else in the world! I'm Phillipe Roach, a member of the French Secret Service! As my cover, I'm pretending to be a Frenchman who likes Americans! Boy, talk about your tough assign- ments! Of course, fooling the Americans should be easy! They're so stupid! I'm Colonel Hicky! I make stupid decisions and don't listen to experts who really know what they're talking about! In other words, I'm your typical "movie" military officer, which, unfortun- ately, is typical of most real military officers! The monster This is New York City! is prob- ably hungry for fish! You can't get last minute reservations at a good seafood restaurant! We're dumping tons of fish into Flatiron Square! The monster has burrowed underground, so we'll open the manholes and let the stink of the fish waft down! This foot- It's typical of French age Cinemal was Pretentious, just released no plot, terrible by directing. the bad special French! effects! You can try it, but I'm warning you: the stink The Chrysler Building Gotsilly has done of the subway has hundreds is only gonna now waft up and over- been come the stink of the fish! destroyed too! of millions of dollars worth of damage! NO WAY 13. 85 If we follow those X's on the map, we see that a huge, strange creature is heading to Australia! Australia? Great! None of us live down there, so what's the big deal? The big deal? You boneheads have the map upside down! It's heading straight for New York City! My God! We must save the city! I have seats for Paul Simon's play. The Capeman, next week! The Capeman? Maybe you'll luck out and the creature will destroy the theater before then! VARIE Look at this, Elsea! Slivers of No thanks, radioactive reptile that washed I've had my up on shore! lunch already! They're from a Theropoda Xeroxus a duplicate of the reptile which was thought to have died when the Japanese stopped making black and white horror films! Elsea, suppose we work on stalking what made these footprints first! You can work on stalking Dr. Tattoo after hours! Run! Run for your lives! It's a 300-foot tall monster from under the sea! A 300 foot monster! Perfect! I thought I used every excuse for being late for work, but this one I know my boss has never heard! Do you think nuclear contamination caused that thing to grow so big? It was either nuclear contamination He looks SO mean Okay. throw in a and angry! smoke! Maybe both! case of jock itch! or second-hand a carried away! This is news footage, Doctor! It shows a Japanese ship that was attacked yesterday! It's the second ship to sink mysteriously in two days! Sometimes those overzealous Greenpeace volunteers get little I believe the giant footprints have something This may not be make footprints! Hmmm, he's right about Nude that! But look And what beach- es! my field at this map- do 1 of expertise, the X's mark you put to do but ships all the boats think those with do not that have these recently sunk! ships! these on the hearts indicate? map! SKULL + LONG 24 PASS ON THE LEFT You must Hey! realize the That's Give it what it Great idea! Call Hey! the Bronx Zoo That's beast is an just needs and see if they just untamed like and it credit for get- ting rid of it! animal with needs! me, Dr. Tattoo! will come to us! I have a 100-foot female monster! With nice legs and like me, Dr. a great personality! Tattoo! This is the city! Potholes 15 feet deep! Crushed cars! People screaming, running in panic! Sidewalks littered with the wounded and dying! Imagine how much worse it will be when the monster comes to this block! MAX KORN I want this beast out of New York City! And I want it done in a way that I can take MEN No, he's only done a fraction of the damage! It's our own "smart bombs" that are leveling every- thing in sight! It's like the Gulf War all over again! I've heard of hostile people, but these New Yorkers are unbeliev- able! Every time I stop, cars park on my tail! I've got two tickets for jaywalking!! I lost $50 playing three card monte! I'm going back into the Hudson River where it's safe, even WITH all the raw sewage! Look at all these eggs he laid here in Madison Square Garden! If these creatures multiply, there'll be more of them! I know a lot about the monster! Allow me to help! I'm Phillippe Roach, from the French Secret Service! Here's my badge! It's blank! Your badge has nothing on it! That's how secret my service is! I would have helped sooner, but being French, I was drinking wine while preparing a seven course snack! I'll order an attack! THE RANGERS LAID THIS EGG... Now we also have eggs! He can lay up to We better lure the monster into Great idea! It's an open area, and a dozen at a time! Central Park! you won't injure people as you shoot at him! Actually, I was thinking if we can get him into the park, he'll be mugged! Then we can capture him! I'm reporting from outside Madison Square Garden! Listen to the destruction inside! Seats are being ripped out, walls are crumbling and the entire suspended ceiling is about to crash down! Then again, who can blame the fans for trashing the place with the way the Knicks and Rangers are playing these days! I don't believe it! Gotsilly is climbing back out of the Hudson River! Will NOTHING stop this monster? Worse yet, will NOTHING end this movie? Gotsilly doesn't give up easily! We've got to lure him to a bridge! So we can get him trapped in the cables? No, so we can wreck some- thing other than buildings! That was done to death in In- dependence Day! I have more bad news! My tests indicate he's pregnant! If he's one of a kind, and he's a he, how can he be pregnant? We think he's asexual! He can reproduce all by himself! Impos- sible! Even Madonna couldn't do that! Let's book Gotsilly on Letterman! Repro- ducing himself would be the greatest Stupid Pet Trick ever - but Leno would probably still beat Dave in the ratings! to worry about his MAYOR RABBIT TEST He's using his power breath to blow things apart! And he's been eating fish! YECCH! I hope the military can rustle up a Tic Tac the size of a Chevy Blazer! RABBIT MEGLIN HALITOSIS the HOT DOG MAN # YECH! WIDE LOAD TT ENT I can't believe it! Gotsilly stepped down and almost crushed me! Luckily, I fit right in between his toes!! Boy, this guy's in sad shape! Not only does he have jock itch, he's got athlete's foot too! He'll need a tube of Tinactin the size of a bus to cure that! Luring Gotsilly to a bridge worked! He's trapped in the cables! He's a goner! So's this bridge! Hmmm, if I don't repair it and cars keep falling into the East River, I can take credit for alleviating our over- crowded roadways! Now we've got to blow up all the eggs in his nest so the city is safe again! Or at least as safe as New York City can be! We destroyed all the eggs, but that one!! Look, it's hatching! ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN MAD #370, JUN 1998 Good grief! It looks like Bill Clinton! What does that mean?!? It means the monster must have worked as a White House intern before he came to New York City! Well, Clinton does have a history of going after beastly things! Remember Paula Jones! Uh-oh! Did Some- one say Special Pros- ecutor? порт 26 25

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Captain, dead ahead! I know. ice- berg!!! Sorry Captain, we're in tropical waters! It looks like some sort of giant sea monster! Too bad! Icebergs are big money these days! If we could make 1/50th of the money Titanic made, we'd be rich! If it's not an iceberg. what did we strike? Hokey Japanese monster? It was interesting at first, We struck a rehash That Captain, of a 30-year-old sounds then it got B-movie, hokey Japanese monster! vaguely interesting! then tedious, stupid, then it just plain... IT WAS THE BEAST OF TIMES...DEPT. GOTSILLY WRITER D--- DEBARTOLO ARTIST ANGELO TORRES No, I'm No girl- single! friend! Great! Do you Boy- friend? Nineties or not. there's definitely no This is the '90s... boy- friend! I'm Dr. Neck Tattoo, a biologist! I've been doing a three-year scientific study of Chernobyl earthworms! Because of radio- active contamination, these earthworms are much bigger than they were before! But don't worry, they taste about the same! I've earned the nickname "worm boy"! Oddly enough, it has nothing to do with my studying worms! It's the way I crawl in front of my boss! Hey, there's not much call for my line of work, so I do what I have to do to keep my job! I'm Elsea Chapstick, a paleon- tologist and head of research at the National Institute of Paleontology and Advanced Sexual Positiontology! I'm also big flirt who's attracted to a big firt who Dr. Tattoo, the "worm boy"! I hope to go out with him soon so I can find out if the radioactive soil he works with has made anything else grow bigger! I'm Tawdry Timmids, and I want to be a TV news reporter! I I came to New York because it's an ideal training ground! Then, when I'm good, I'll go to some place important, like Lawton, Nevada or Secaucus, New Jersey! Some of my accomplishments can already be seen on the air! I polished the shoes our anchorman, Charles Caveman, is wearing! We brought you here to see these gigantic footprints, doctor! Any thoughts? Yeah, if Dr. Scholl could sell the guy who made these prints I told the Colonel just one pair of insoles, he could retire! Man, what large feet! He must use a hedge trimmer to cut his toe nails! this wasn't your field, Dr. Tattoo! I'm Elsea, the hot-to-trot paleontologist! Does your wife work with you? have a girlfriend? tones I'm Charles Caveman, self- important news anchor! News anchors are always portrayed as being vain and pompous in a very artificial way! But not me! I'm vain and pompous in a very real way! My assistant Tawdry says I'm a male chauvinist! But who would listen to her? She's only a woman, for God's sake! I'm Manimal, a TV cameraman who'll risk anything to get a story on video- tape! I've run into burning buildings, climbed into erupting volcanoes, and taken my equipment out into howling tornadoes! All of which has gotten me into the Guiness Book of World Records! Not for the footage I shot, but for destroying more video equip- ment than anyone else in the world! I'm Phillipe Roach, a member of the French Secret Service! As my cover, I'm pretending to be a Frenchman who likes Americans! Boy, talk about your tough assign- ments! Of course, fooling the Americans should be easy! They're so stupid! I'm Colonel Hicky! I make stupid decisions and don't listen to experts who really know what they're talking about! In other words, I'm your typical "movie" military officer, which, unfortun- ately, is typical of most real military officers! The monster This is New York City! is prob- ably hungry for fish! You can't get last minute reservations at a good seafood restaurant! We're dumping tons of fish into Flatiron Square! The monster has burrowed underground, so we'll open the manholes and let the stink of the fish waft down! This foot- It's typical of French age Cinemal was Pretentious, just released no plot, terrible by directing. the bad special French! effects! You can try it, but I'm warning you: the stink The Chrysler Building Gotsilly has done of the subway has hundreds is only gonna now waft up and over- been come the stink of the fish! destroyed too! of millions of dollars worth of damage! NO WAY 13. 85 If we follow those X's on the map, we see that a huge, strange creature is heading to Australia! Australia? Great! None of us live down there, so what's the big deal? The big deal? You boneheads have the map upside down! It's heading straight for New York City! My God! We must save the city! I have seats for Paul Simon's play. The Capeman, next week! The Capeman? Maybe you'll luck out and the creature will destroy the theater before then! VARIE Look at this, Elsea! Slivers of No thanks, radioactive reptile that washed I've had my up on shore! lunch already! They're from a Theropoda Xeroxus a duplicate of the reptile which was thought to have died when the Japanese stopped making black and white horror films! Elsea, suppose we work on stalking what made these footprints first! You can work on stalking Dr. Tattoo after hours! Run! Run for your lives! It's a 300-foot tall monster from under the sea! A 300 foot monster! Perfect! I thought I used every excuse for being late for work, but this one I know my boss has never heard! Do you think nuclear contamination caused that thing to grow so big? It was either nuclear contamination He looks SO mean Okay. throw in a and angry! smoke! Maybe both! case of jock itch! or second-hand a carried away! This is news footage, Doctor! It shows a Japanese ship that was attacked yesterday! It's the second ship to sink mysteriously in two days! Sometimes those overzealous Greenpeace volunteers get little I believe the giant footprints have something This may not be make footprints! Hmmm, he's right about Nude that! But look And what beach- es! my field at this map- do 1 of expertise, the X's mark you put to do but ships all the boats think those with do not that have these recently sunk! ships! these on the hearts indicate? map! SKULL + LONG 24 PASS ON THE LEFT You must Hey! realize the That's Give it what it Great idea! Call Hey! the Bronx Zoo That's beast is an just needs and see if they just untamed like and it credit for get- ting rid of it! animal with needs! me, Dr. Tattoo! will come to us! I have a 100-foot female monster! With nice legs and like me, Dr. a great personality! Tattoo! This is the city! Potholes 15 feet deep! Crushed cars! People screaming, running in panic! Sidewalks littered with the wounded and dying! Imagine how much worse it will be when the monster comes to this block! MAX KORN I want this beast out of New York City! And I want it done in a way that I can take MEN No, he's only done a fraction of the damage! It's our own "smart bombs" that are leveling every- thing in sight! It's like the Gulf War all over again! I've heard of hostile people, but these New Yorkers are unbeliev- able! Every time I stop, cars park on my tail! I've got two tickets for jaywalking!! I lost $50 playing three card monte! I'm going back into the Hudson River where it's safe, even WITH all the raw sewage! Look at all these eggs he laid here in Madison Square Garden! If these creatures multiply, there'll be more of them! I know a lot about the monster! Allow me to help! I'm Phillippe Roach, from the French Secret Service! Here's my badge! It's blank! Your badge has nothing on it! That's how secret my service is! I would have helped sooner, but being French, I was drinking wine while preparing a seven course snack! I'll order an attack! THE RANGERS LAID THIS EGG... Now we also have eggs! He can lay up to We better lure the monster into Great idea! It's an open area, and a dozen at a time! Central Park! you won't injure people as you shoot at him! Actually, I was thinking if we can get him into the park, he'll be mugged! Then we can capture him! I'm reporting from outside Madison Square Garden! Listen to the destruction inside! Seats are being ripped out, walls are crumbling and the entire suspended ceiling is about to crash down! Then again, who can blame the fans for trashing the place with the way the Knicks and Rangers are playing these days! I don't believe it! Gotsilly is climbing back out of the Hudson River! Will NOTHING stop this monster? Worse yet, will NOTHING end this movie? Gotsilly doesn't give up easily! We've got to lure him to a bridge! So we can get him trapped in the cables? No, so we can wreck some- thing other than buildings! That was done to death in In- dependence Day! I have more bad news! My tests indicate he's pregnant! If he's one of a kind, and he's a he, how can he be pregnant? We think he's asexual! He can reproduce all by himself! Impos- sible! Even Madonna couldn't do that! Let's book Gotsilly on Letterman! Repro- ducing himself would be the greatest Stupid Pet Trick ever - but Leno would probably still beat Dave in the ratings! to worry about his MAYOR RABBIT TEST He's using his power breath to blow things apart! And he's been eating fish! YECCH! I hope the military can rustle up a Tic Tac the size of a Chevy Blazer! RABBIT MEGLIN HALITOSIS the HOT DOG MAN # YECH! WIDE LOAD TT ENT I can't believe it! Gotsilly stepped down and almost crushed me! Luckily, I fit right in between his toes!! Boy, this guy's in sad shape! Not only does he have jock itch, he's got athlete's foot too! He'll need a tube of Tinactin the size of a bus to cure that! Luring Gotsilly to a bridge worked! He's trapped in the cables! He's a goner! So's this bridge! Hmmm, if I don't repair it and cars keep falling into the East River, I can take credit for alleviating our over- crowded roadways! Now we've got to blow up all the eggs in his nest so the city is safe again! Or at least as safe as New York City can be! We destroyed all the eggs, but that one!! Look, it's hatching! ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN MAD #370, JUN 1998 Good grief! It looks like Bill Clinton! What does that mean?!? It means the monster must have worked as a White House intern before he came to New York City! Well, Clinton does have a history of going after beastly things! Remember Paula Jones! Uh-oh! Did Some- one say Special Pros- ecutor? порт 26 25

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