The dog days of summer are upon us, and the internet this week turned its attention to several ridiculous news stories. The most viral was arguably the Bagel Boss Fight, in which a short man went on an absolutely bonkers misogynist rant inside a bagel shop before being tackled to the ground. In other news, over 400,000 people have signed up to storm Area 51, and the Pokémon company stirred their fans into a frenzy yet again with a new trailer that introduced some saucy new characters.

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Bagel Boss Fight

On July 10th, a very angry man named Chris Morgan blew a gasket in a Long Island Bagel Boss, dropping some extremely memorable quotes in a misogynistic rant, railing against women on dating apps and complaining that they wouldn't date him because he's short before getting tackled to the ground. In one moment, he provided a very memeable lesson in comedic de-escalation when he screamed at the irritated patrons, "You're not God. You're not my father. You're not my boss!" The Bagel Boss went on to get interviewed by The Daily Mail, in which he compared himself to a modern-day Martin Luther King Jr. For as Dr. King once said, "I have a one dream that one day women will fuck men regardless of their height, personality, or general unpleasantness."

so in bagel boss this morning, the misogynistic douchebag seen in the video was degrading almost all of the female staff as well as other patrons. fuck this guy. pic.twitter.com/LZh1Uk4UXZ

— olivia shea 🏳️‍🌈 (@oliviabradley88) July 10, 2019

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Storm Area 51

Towards the end of June, the brilliantly named shitposters "Shitposting cuz im in shambles" and "Smyleekun" created a gag Facebook event called "Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us." Their "idea" was to get a bunch of people to rush Area 51 by Naruto running at the government's top-secret base long-rumored to hold evidence of extra-terrestrials. One user even put forth a plan, which involved putting all the Kyles in the front of the raid to take the brunt of the fire while the Naruto runners followed. What started as a dumb ploy to get likes later turned into a viral sensation, as over 400,000 people have indicated they're "attending" the raid, scheduled to happen September 20th. It'll be interesting to see if anyone will be dumb enough to try the stunt and get completely massacred by the United States government, but of course, if enough people show up and Naruto run, the US government can't stop all of them.

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Alcremie, Bea and Allister

Every Pokémon Sword and Shield trailer so far has caused a wave of fan art and memes, but Monday's trailer, which introduced some new Pokémon and gym leaders, was an unexpectedly rich source of content for fans and memers of the series. The stars were a new Pokémon named Alcremie, a strawberry/whipped cream concoction who evidently produces "sweeter cream when it's happy," Bea, a Fighting-type gym leader with a bare human feet (!!!), and her counterpart Allister, her Ghost-type counterpart who looks like he listened to Attack! Attack! in 2007. The characters all inspired tons of fan art, which was enough to distract the fans from the ongoing Bring Back National Dex controversy (for a little while, at least).