Forums / Fun! / Riff-Raff

Okay, please hear me out on this, because I really need help.

So like, I was walking around Know Your Meme, minding my own business when suddenly I noticed this guy passed out on the ground in a Riff Raff thread. Me wanting to make myself look good being a Good Samaritan immediately rushed towards his side. I noticed he was wearing white robes, and he had long flowing brown hair and a beard. And I was thinking:
"Holy shit man, this nigga looks like Jesus".

Of course, he couldn't possibly be Jesus right?

Turns out it was Jesus!

After rousing him awake, he told me was, in fact, Jesus, and that he turned a little too much water into wine, if I knew what he meant.

He was suffering a pretty bad hangover, so I decided to take him back to my Wall so he could recuperate. I thought once he got over the hangover he would just leave and go back to Heaven, right?

It's been a week, and he still hasn't left.

Jesus has completely taken over my daily routine.

Dragging me to church everyday, riding his punk ass dinosaur through my living room everyday, watching that punk ass dinosaur SHIT in my living room everyday, having him micromanage me and never letting me do something "unholy" everyday, having to watch shitty Christian programs every day. Also, he keeps making all the water into wine without even trying. I've been living off grape juice.

Even when he's gone (taking a drive in MY car), I can't get any peace. I get complaints from all the forums and comment sections saying that he keeps blasting his Gospel music everywhere.

Even when it's night time I can't get any peace, because that's when he watches his nun porn- WITH THE VOLUME ON HIGH.

It's a miracle I could even make this thread. Jesus is taking a drive right now. How do I get rid of him?!

Crucify him. It worked the first time.

Wow, man……. Just wow.

Only way is to an hero yourself, you won't have to deal with Jeebus again I promise.

Are you sure that you didn't just run into JONY (Jesus of New York)? Somehow I doubt that the real Jesus would be here of all places. Anyway, just hail Satan and drink some blood in the name of him. That'll probably get him off your back.

Buy a fedora, m'lady

inb4 this somehow turns into a callout for a novelty Jesus account

Definitely not JONY. It was heterosexual nun porn.

You must embrace Jesus.
You must let Jesus inside of you.
You must become one with Jesus.
You must let Jesus fill you up.
You must please Jesus.

…What?

You need to start flexing and screaming like a DBZ character building up power to concentrate your euphoria. Hit Jesus with a Kamehameha wave of pure euphoria to stun him. You must then make toast, and then press the toast against Jesus's forehead. He will become sealed inside the toast. You will know if you've done it correctly, as his face appears in the toast. This is the only reliable way of sealing off Jesus, as his only weakness is that he will be sealed within any toast encounters. This is why he is often seen in toast.

Don't work. He will resurrect in three days.

He asked how to get rid of him, not how to get rid of him permanently.

"He"

You are like, the third person to refer to me as a male. What is it about me that's so masculine?! DX

Probably the fact that you're on the internet.

Easy, just pray to a different deity and it will do the work for you!

What isn't masculine about your profile? Your avatar is mega-buff. Your name is almost as gruff as He-Man.

And on your profile is says you are a girl. So you are not.

Go to the back cover of your standard-issue Compendium of Bible Stories and hold the reset button down for 3 seconds. You'll receive a confirmation email asking you if you want to reset your faith. If you don't get the email, it's because Jesus doesn't like people who lie about their genders. Repent by signing up for the weekly newsletter.

I highly recommend sticking with Jesus, however. The stats he gives will be useful later when you need to fight RM to win Loli's love.

Please change your avatar to something pink and girly, and end all your sentences with "~". This should help you to avoid these situations in future.

Buh….But isn't my avatar girly enough?! I mean…. Look at teh moe slime gril!

Are you sure? He's buff as fuck.

Girlie right now:

Replace him with about six leprechauns. I heard from a reliable source that it will work.

Nah dude, he came back 3 days later, despite the DDOS efforts of the Sanhedrin and Romans.

kill yourself and reroll a rogue
he can't find you, if you stealth.