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A script for a short play by me.

(Diogenes sits at rest as Alexander enters stage with a fanfare of kazoos)

ALEXANDER: Behold! It is I, Alexander!

DIOGENES: I'd rather not.

ALEXANDER: As ruler of the civilized world, it is within my power to grant you anything you desire…

DIOGENES: Then you can start by ge-

ALEXANDER: …for but a small cost! For you see, I can teach you the secrets of Alexander's greatness and masculinity such that you too can be so great and masculine. We can start with a down payment of your cloak, your staff, and the produce of your most recent begging. You'll continue to pay off your debt to me from the abundant wealth my teachings will bring you, but a sliver of what you'll earn. For you see, once I've taught you what you need to know to be a real man, you will be able to sell my teachings to others, who will in turn become teachers selling teachings. This way, all might become true men and prosper together. (Illustrating this by slowly raising his hands over head so as to form a triangle)
What say you?

DIOGENES: … I had been content to ask you for the return of my stolen sunlight, but now I think I'll ask you for a single olive. Specifically the one named "Alexander", which rightly should hang from that tree over yonder. (Gestures upward through the fourth wall) For such a fruit is the only thing you have to offer that a good man should desire.

ALEXANDER: (fighting back tears, voice gradually rising to a shrill pitch) You WISH you were Alexander! You WISH you were rich! You WISH you had everything I have! How sad you are, how pitiful your life must be that you'd spend all your time hating a rich, successful entrep- er… EMPEROR like me instead of improving your life! While you're being a hater I'm making jobs. While you're jacking off I'm fucking 50 bitches every night, and they all say my cock is the best they've ever felt! Stay mad, you little soyboybetacuckfaggot!
Lambo, to me!

(Man enters stage costumed homoerotically as a horse)

LAMBO: (flatly) Neigh.

(Alexander mounts Lambo, riding him offstage)

ALEXANDER: Enjoy being forever POOR, Diogenes!

DIOGENES: I was and I will!
(Towards audience) To buy masculinity from such a wretch as he, one may as well pay for a night with a celibate whore.

(Close curtain)

While you're jacking off I'm fucking 50 bitches every night, and they all say my cock is the best they've ever felt! Stay mad, you little soyboybetacuckfaggot!

if this line isn't in that new-fangled dah-cuu-men-tear-ee, i am going to commit self-arson