The Lusty Argonian Maid
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About
The Lusty Argonian Maid is a romance book and stage play in The Elder Scrolls (TES) universe and series of video games written by a character named Crassius Curio. Two volumes of the novel can be found in The Elder Scrolls games Morrowind, Oblivion and Skyrim. Each volume, written in the style of a play, depicts a scene between a self-insert of Curio named Crantius Colto and his Argonian maid (a race of anthropomorphic lizard people), named Lifts-Her-Tail, as he seduces her. Online, the book has inspired a variety of memes and fan art throughout the 2000s, 2010s and 2020s, including fan art depicting the Argonian maid. According to The Elder Scrolls lore, the tale of the lusty Argonian maid was passed down by traveling bards, suggesting Curio's play is only one interpretation of the story.
Origin
A book consisting of volumes one and two of The Lusty Argonian Maid, written by Crassius Curio, first appeared in The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind, released on May 1st, 2002, where it can be found on Crassius Curio's body in Vivec City. The novel appeared again in Oblivion (2006) and again in Skyrim (2011) in which each volume is separated as its own book.[1] The book is written in the style of a stage production and focuses on a man, Crantius Colto, likely a self-insert of the author, who seduces his Argonian maid.
In The Elder Scrolls Online (released in 2014), there is notably a book titled The Argonian Maid—An Oral Tradition, which explains that the story of the lusty Argonian maid has been passed down by traveling bards, each telling the story with slight differences.[10] This suggests that Curio's play is only one telling of the tale.
Lifts-Her-Tail
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.
Crantius Colto
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?
Lifts-Her-Tail
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.
Crantius Colto
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.
Lifts-Her-Tail
You embarrass me, sir!
Crantius Colto
Fear not. You are safe here with me.
Lifts-Her-Tail
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!
Crantius Colto
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.
Lifts-Her-Tail
But it is huge! It could take me all night!
Crantius Colto
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
END OF ACT IV, SCENE III
Act VII, Scene II, Continued
Lifts-Her-Tail
My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?
Crantius Colto
This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.
Lifts-Her-Tail
If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?
Crantius Colto
Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.
Lifts-Her-Tail
You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?
Crantius Colto
Of course.
Lifts-Her-Tail
But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.
Crantius Colto
Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.
Lifts-Her-Tail
Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!
Crantius Colto
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
END OF ACT VII, SCENE II
On April 7th, 2008, FurAffinity[2] user Shadowcat posted a piece of artwork depicting the Lifts-Her-Tail getting ready to polish a spear, a reference to the first volume of The Lusty Argonian Maid, garnering over 700 views in 16 years. This is the earliest known piece of artwork based on the book.
Spread
Artwork and memes referencing the book became increasingly popularized online throughout the 2000s. For example, on April 29th, 2009, Fur Affinity[3][4][5] user Queblock posted a series of three pieces of artwork depicting the character Lifts-Her-Tail.
On May 19th, 2012, YouTuber[6] Roy Kelly posted a video reading through The Lusty Argonian Maid in Skyrim, garnering over 150,000 views in 12 years.
On September 14th, 2020, X[7] / Twitter artist @SAT_V12 posted a series of drawings of Lifts-Her-Tail, which was reposted to the subreddit /r/skyrim[8] on September 19th, garnering over 14,000 likes on the former and 17,000 upvotes on the latter in four years.
On March 21st, 2022, YouTuber[9] Noobnut125 posted a meme about reading the book for the first time, garnering over 110,000 views in two years.
On September 17th, 2024, X[11] user @themalaru posted, "The lusty argonian maid gains a really sinister subtext when you remember that the author, crassius curio, was a councelor for great house hlaalu, who make an incredible amount of wealth through argonian and khajiit slavery," garnering over 13,000 likes in a day.
Various Examples
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